Readers' Submissions

The Good Old Days

  • Written by Professor
  • January 21st, 2014
  • 5 min read


Ah, those were the good old days. I remember them well. Those were the days when it was good to be a man, when girls were plentiful and young and slim and beautiful. When barfines cost only a mere 5,000 baht, short time was only 10,000 baht, and a bottle of beer only 750. The great days way back when in 2016.

Thailand was even better a few years earlier, in 2014. Then the troubles began. First came the opposition demonstrators trying to overthrow the elected government. They succeeded, of course, and began to reform the system. They studied the original US Constitution, and read where only 3/5 of negroes were counted for voting purposes. Since the party the demonstrators supported could not win an election outright, they rewrote the Thai Constitution to say anyone voting from the North or Northeast would only be worth half a vote. The demonstrators won the next election in a landslide.

Then the other side demonstrated and wanted reform. Instead of shutting down the airports, or the stock exchange, or a shopping center, they shut down Nana, Cowboy, and Patpong. With the Thai economy then forced into a tailspin the new demonstrators overthrew the government made from the previous demonstrators, and planned their own reform. A law was passed saying people from the South were worth only 1/5 of a vote and so the government changed again.

The people from the North and Northeast were back in power, and determined to stay there. They passed a law mandating that the Thai minimum wage would be equal to that in the US, so salaries shot up overnight. Most of the bargirls in Bangkok, Pattaya and Phuket went back to Isaan to take jobs where they didn't have to talk to foreigners all night long, and so the price of barfines, beers, and sex also skyrocketed.

Looking back, those were the good times.

While Western men were busy working three jobs apiece to pay alimony and afford trips to Thailand, western women around the world united in an organization called Misandrists Under Feminazi Freedom (MUFF) and in simultaneous multiple elections in the US, UK, EU, and Australia took over the governments of most of the developed world. (In New Zealand sheep continued to win every election).

Newly elected MUFF officials passed laws codifying what had already become accepted practice in the west:

• Men had to do all the work.
• Women were allowed to go to spas all day.
• A man could not marry a woman unless he was 15 centimeters taller than her, and he had to deposit $100,000 in an account in her name.
• Women were allowed to put on 15 kilos of weight in the six months after marriage.
• Sex was legally allowed once every three months for the first 2 years of marriage, dropping to once every six months for the next three years. After 5 years of marriage sex was allowed only after each time the woman had put on an additional 5 kilos.

Western men by the millions started to flock to Thailand. Due to the scarcity of women in bars because of the high minimum wage, those ladies still in bars started to increase their demands. At first, men were required to buy either an iPhone or iPad for the girl prior to taking her for the night (long time only. Short time was an Android device). This purchase of course was in addition to the normal bar fine of 5,000 baht and payment to the girl of 10,000 baht.

Still the men came. So the demands increased. Soon one had to buy a baht of gold before the girl would leave the bar. Gold shops started to displace the bars and soon Nana Plaza was all gold shops on the ground floor, mobile phone sellers on the second floor, with bars on the third. Eventually, all girls had to be booked online since they were too lazy to climb the stairs to the 3rd floor to dance.

Ladyboys were not excepted from this madness. To take a ladyboy one had to first pay for the operation of her choice. Soon, plastic surgeons started taking over the space on the third floor where the bars used to be. Ladyboys had to be booked months in advance, as the operation had to take place before the katoey agreed to spend the night.

In a master stroke, the opposition party, dressed up as members of the government, occupied the office of Facebook Thailand and shut it down. Millions of Thais revolted and overthrew the government, publicly executing its leaders. (Photos were posted on Facebook after it had been reopened). A new election was declared.

As the opposition was gathering its forces to occupy all the massage parlours in the Kingdom, a compromise was reached. Instead of wasting money on elections only to have the government overthrown annually, it was decided to redefine "democracy" in Thailand to mean an absence of elections. Instead, the two parties agreed to alternate being in power every six months and in order to avoid wild swings in legislation it was also agreed that no new laws would be passed, ever.

But then things started to get weird. Officials from MUFF decided to reach out to their sisters in Isaan. Local girls were happy at the ideas that men would legally be required to take care of them for life, that they could get as fat as they wanted and didn't have to have sex just like their sisters in the west. But a splinter group called Isaan Dames In Outrageous Thai Systems decided to up the ante. They announced that, henceforth, all men would be required to first marry any girls they wished to spend the night with. Barfines and longtime payments were eliminated but a dowry of one million baht strictly enforced. Wedding chapels began to replace the phone shops on the second floor of Nana as all girls by now had at least 5 phones.

That's where things stand today. I'll be walking over to Nana in a few minutes. My marriage proposal has been accepted, my dowry transfer confirmed by the bank, and my beautiful 62 year old 75 kilo fiancée is waiting at Big Dog Chapel for the ceremony to begin. And all this for a blow job.

Oh, for the good old days.

Take care,

Professor