Readers' Submissions

Time To Spawn?

  • Written by Anonymous
  • January 22nd, 2014
  • 5 min read



I am writing this from my bedroom in a nameless suburb in metropolitan Adelaide, South Australia. It's 10:20 PM and I can't sleep because my immediate neighbours are having a party. Aussies love their back garden parties and don't seem to give two hoots for the noise and disruption it creates. I don't like such parties because I'm English and think it's wrong to disturb people's peace and quiet at this time of night…I guess I'm just a little bit old-fashioned like that…either that or I'm just another whinging POM.

Anyway, while I wait for the party to end I have time to write about a recent South-East Asian experience of mine.

I'm 44 years old and have never been married. I've been close a few times but when push has come to shove, I've always managed to wriggle free. I am not one of those brutally frank people who can tell a girl to piss off at the drop of a hat. Instead, I have always taken the more cowardly or, as I prefer to call it, the more humanitarian approach. I become less communicative, less intimate, more distant and more unreliable until the girl has had enough and leaves. It's not an exact science and requires both patience and guile but eventually most get the message and move on. I believe that in the workplace it would be called 'constructive dismissal' and make me liable to both fines and compensation orders, but this is not the workplace and so, as a method of extrication, it can work.

Anyway, it has recently occurred to me that I am not getting any younger and whereas in the past I would have baulked at the thought of having kids, it has begun to seem like quite an attractive thing for me to do. I now have the money and maturity to make it work. Before this time I was far too immature and selfish to start a family. However, like many readers, I acknowledge that at 44 years old I am going to have to look towards the developing world for a partner sufficiently young and fecund and with whom a breeding program might work. Yes, I figured that it was time for me to spawn.

Of course I considered Thailand but soon gave up on that once I started to read the wisdom and advice on this site. I accept that Thai culture and western culture are far too dissimilar to make for a happy union, especially one where kids are involved. I have visited Pattaya on a number of occasions as a monger and am happy to dip no further in to their culture or tradition. There are enough horror stories on this site to put a man off Thai women and I am one of them. Having said that, I once made a proposal (not seriously on my part, but offered seriously for effect) to a Thai bargirl. I offered to give her $400 per month if she bore me a child. She accepted without batting an eyelid…wanted HIV checks the next day and was ready to go. I was almost flattered but not stupid and was careful not to go back to that bar for the rest of my holiday.

No, a Thai girl was not for me. I decided to go where the girls sing from the same hymn sheet. I needed to go to the Philippines.

The Philippines, in my opinion, is superior to Thailand when it comes to mating. It is a Christian country so they share many of the values and morals of our western culture and many of the people speak good English. Furthermore, the girls are as gorgeous as any you might find in South-East Asia.

I signed on to a dating site and within a week I was having long chats with a nice young lady from Angeles City whose name is of no importance to my story. It was nice to talk with someone who could converse freely in English and understand nuance, understatement and other subtleties of the English language. It contrasted with the pidgin rubbish that masquerades as conversation with a Thai bargirl, reinforcing my conviction that a Thai was not for me. This lady and I got on very well, she was in her late twenties, slim, attractive and of the proto-middle class. She worked hard and had ambitions. I liked her and I liked her attitude. I booked some leave and was in the Philippines a few weeks later for a 2-week holiday. We had a nice time but it was very clear that this girl wanted me to get her pregnant ASAP. It was ridiculous really, I had only known her for a short while and this was our first meeting. But following the logic that condoms are for bargirls and not girlfriends, I made love without condoms. We relied on that old Catholic failsafe, the withdrawal method, as our means of contraception. Luckily no pregnancy resulted. The next time I visited, and on her insistence and my continued stupidity, I was giving it to her with both barrels. I was already in two minds about the future of our relationship and was getting cold feet. I returned home and there was an anxious 2 weeks for a delayed period. I was mightily relieved when her normal cycle resumed. Of course I commiserated with her but really I was secretly delighted. The episode confirmed for me that this girl was not for me. So here I was, once again, with a woman with whom I could not see a future. I needed to extricate myself.

As I explained at the start of this tale, I am a bit of a yellow-belly when it comes to calling time on a relationship and this one was no different. I can scarcely believe that we carried on for another 4 months before I finally found the courage to end it. I find it hard to believe that she could exert such an influence over me from the Philippines when 95% of the time I was in Australia. I don't think meeting her family and friends helped, subtle ploys to snare you, make you feel bad if you are thinking of a split. Her getting pregnant would have been the ultimate mantrap and mission accomplished. I bear her no ill will, she is a great girl but not for me. I will return to the Philippine dating site and try again. This time I will be more circumspect and careful. But, like a lot of the observations and advice on Stick's site, Asian women can be as predatory as men so just be careful.

Anyway, the next door's party has ended and peace has returned to the neighbourhood. Oh, one good thing about my single status is a welcome return to Pattaya in a few weeks. Maybe I'll look for that bargirl and offer her $450 this time.

Happy Holidays