Almost Scored An Own Goal
I’m both exhausted buy very happy to say that I damn near scored an own goal. Not with a bargirl though, this was with a mid / hi so Thai from Hua Hin.
Moved to Bangkok 3 years ago and met a 26-year Thai girl on TLL 10 years younger than me. She was nice and all that. She was finishing her Masters, living with her rich aunt who supports her whole family, with a wealthy land-owning divorced father. From this family she was coddled and cared for in a way that I was simply unfamiliar with. Being from another culture, I was soon to learn this painful lesson as she slowly moved herself into my apartment. It seemed fine though at the time. Scary part is the move to unprotected sex and how that very likely could have changed my life forever. Thank God, we came to our senses after a few weeks of this reckless behavior and I started wrapping it up.
Fast forward and 3 years later I’m living on my own again. She has her own little place. The moving her out was unbelievable though. I never knew someone could gather up everything of value in an apartment so quickly and deliver such an expertly executed Karate Kid kick to the stomach so effectively with their hands so full. To be fair though, as I lay on the floor from the kick, she soon realized she wasn't a thief, and unloaded what was not hers on my head and fetal positioned body.
4 months later from this I’m exhausted with her and hardly feel anything else but a very caring older brother to her. The thought of sex and romance with her just isn't there anymore. That ship sailed long ago after behaviors from her that I see as very impolite and inappropriate and not conducive in a healthy relationship.
The sobbing and crying over her exaggerated money problems, mixed with frantic and regretful Daddy credit card shopping on garbage, mixed with the fact that her (divorced) father and aunt have more money than my family will ever have – mixed with her constant requests and messiness … over time all the nonsense just broke my heart and now I see her like my cute crazy younger sister. She would go crazy on her Dad's credit card in like a feverish state and then get home with a sense of regret and post shopper's high and think how can I equalize what I have done? I would see her eyes go from the completely unnecessary giant Nepalese Gong and the marlin spear gun laying before her on the apartment floor and slowly turn her head towards me with a big sigh and expression of "help". It was unbelievable. I slowly became her doctor, not her lover.
She on the other hand does not share this feeling. She is still very much in love and attracted emotionally and physically with me and she is broken-hearted that I don’t feel the same. But I have never told her the sense of sister thing and that I don’t “love” her anymore. Not yet. I want to be careful with this because I don’t take hurting people lightly. She just started her new dream job in fashion and she needs all the confidence she can get for the next few weeks. However, she is aware that she has exhausted the love right outta me. In fact, she has admitted to a reputation of exhausting her previous Thai boyfriend as well. She told me herself, “He was like my slave”. That is what Thai hi-so culture is like … the girls see their boyfriends as slaves. Trust me, I see it every day. I work at a prestigious international school and I watch the Thai boys slave after their high school sweethearts all day. They work them to the bone. It’s definitely not like my culture.
I still spend some time with her when we aren't working our day jobs. But this time is getting less. I know (and have prayed to every God I have researched) – we will soon be finished. I know this and I think she knows it too, but has some denial issues. We haven’t had sex in months and she’s not allowed staying over on work nights or talking after 10 PM. But even last night she was trying to leave her excessive cosmetics and clothes in my apartment. She always tries to move back in. I have told her very clearly and lovingly that I just cannot bear to see you balling in tears anymore and that I can’t successfully make her happy. I’ve never seen so much water come outs two eyes in my life.
Background is this: her brother and mother have been “somewhat” separated from the family wealth from the childhood divorce and in-fighting amongst the family, and being the oldest sister / daughter she feels it is her job to “fix” this catastrophic unbearable and shameful economic disparity. Everyone in her family should have the new iPhone 5s. She cannot bear the idea of her mom and brother having to stick with the plain old iPhone 5 while everyone else enjoys their new iPhone5s.
Well … she saw my 6 digit monthly salary as a way to do try and address this and she wanted me to give her monthly money. I politely declined based on the position that I cannot support an already hi-so family to be more hi-so while I’m not a hi-so and neither is my family back home. I’ve explained to her that I’m not hi-so and maybe even considered lo-so by western standards and I’ve worked really hard to get where I’m at today through merit. This, and her family has more money than me or my family will ever have. I refuse to help her make sure her younger brother and mother live a hi-so Bangkok life. It’s nonsensical from my perspective. If I thought the money would just be for her I would compromise, but it’s not. She just gives it away to her family and to random poor people.
My money goes to my family first, which included her. In fact, I always paid for everything. I just did not become that guy who buys jewelry and elaborate gifts and gives monthly money to her. Fact is, she really wants to contribute back to her family, especially her younger brother and mother. Understandable, her father and aunt have spent a small fortune on her. Then there was also the whole issue of her first hotel job at the entry level 20,000 baht monthly salary and the complete abomination of it all. She thought she was doing it all for “us” and that she was attempting a life of merit as well. Alternatively, she could live outside Bangkok and work in the family business for more money but also under more family control and too far away from me. So, to her, she had a sense of sacrifice that is valid and should be compensated for and by me … Teeruk slavery was expected. She was sacrificing her whole hi-so lifestyle dynasty for me. She saw it like this and really felt she was living the unappreciated Cinderella story. I understand her though.
Big problem was, while living with her, she chose to address these issues with me right around 11 PM in bed, while I’m getting ready to sleep for a very hard day at work. Over the years, with this technique, I lost much sleep and eventually my stress and health went bad over time. Unbelievable now that I think about it. Picture being out on the balcony sucking back a few beers and smokes at midnight and shaking in frustration when you should have been sound asleep an hour ago to be up at 6 AM! And then when I would go back in, I would find her sound asleep with the most blissful and comfortable expression on her face all wrapped up in her blanky and pillow with her silk hello kitty pajamas. But 2 hours previous I just had to get away from it. Her pillow would become so saturated with tears that after 30 minutes the flood water would come to my side of the bed … I needed a snorkel. Sadly, I couldn't even comfort her with touch while she cried because I learned that the sense of touch triggered her childhood coddling psychologies in such a way that drove the tears out more into waterfalls. It went from snorkeling in tear water to a full on wet-suit and mask ocean Tsunami.
We are at the point now where I refuse to even use language and have suggested we just live a life of miming as I am irritated to hell with her use of language. It literally makes me want to smoke and drink beer and throw up and shake.
In addition to this mess, I’ve never seen one person use the words “Can you?” or “I want” so much in all my life. I've told her this… it’s not normal in any country,culture, planet, or solar system… and it’s simply not appropriate. Just now, I feel like throwing up after typing and looking at those words. Her past coddled family life mixed with her use of a second language mixed with how she perceives my foreigner status and how she believes a Thai women should be compensated for the beauty of their female existence and her perceived sacrifice she has made for our relationship has literally killed our relationship.
And messy. Holy Shit! I put garbage in the garbage right away, be it food, wrappers, whatever. She just leaves it where she used it with plans for it much much later. With these small apts it just drove me crazy and I found myself constantly cleaning up after her. It was like I was following her around all day in a 40sq/ft apt picking up after her. Towels and clothes and dishes were placed in places that boggled my mind. It was if she expected her cleaner that she always had following her around in her younger days to suddenly appear. It got to the point where I simply told her that if she doesn't start cleaning up after herself I simply will not physically be able to accomplish an erection as my cleaning up after her seems to have a direct correlation to the small amount of blood flow I've been having to my penis. The most ground breaking “deer in headlights” look followed and I managed to get her focus on addressing this for about a whole two days of over cleaning to the point of sterilization. Back to the same ol shit after a couple days later though – towels and clothes everywhere … except in the fridge.
But, I still love her to bits … she’s got an adorable big stupid heart, but it’s more like she is my funny loving bipolar sister now than anything else. I simply cannot relate to her as my lover and mate anymore.
I suspect many a Thai man would be able to relate well to her as a lover though. She’s educated, pretty, loves her family, and would never intentionally hurt anyone. To be fair, I also have to add that she would do absolutely anything for me. It’s just that I don’t ask for anything. In general, I don’t ask people for anything, like ever. Even as a kid. So no wonder were not balancing and matching up properly. Two years ago, I was sick from eating street food. She was coddling me like I was gonna die. She went to the drug store and spent like 100 dollars of her money on silly unrelated medicine. Then she just kept staring at me and soothing me with back rubs. I fell asleep and awoke 3 hours later to see that she had not moved and was still staring at me and rubbing my back. I doubt she blinked once that whole time. Very nice – but just so different from my culture and my upbringing. I simply don’t aspire to or desire care like this. We’re just very different. A lot of this is relative too. My previous Western lover was independent and strong enough to climb Everest … ALONE. And also, my Thai girl I speak of is considered the normal, stable, and independent one amongst her friends and family. Amazing (Thailand). I wish her the very best though and I want her to be happy with a compatible and loving companion she deserves.
The whole real point is … had I knocked her up, which I very could have been one microscopic sperm cell (wall) away from, I would have been in a state of high maintenance, strain, and incompatibility for the rest of my life. Even would've ended up a chain smoking alcoholic to boot. I just got a chill down my back and my hands are trembling on the keyboard now as I conclude with … I almost scored on my own goal – whew …that was a close one. Excuse me now while I step out and have a smoke and beer and throw up and thank the god, whichever one it was.