Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 371

  • Written by Dana
  • March 16th, 2013
  • 7 min read



Ok, kats and kittens; here is this week's gathering of missives and stories. First we start with a quote and then we will all cup our hands around our ears and listen. Hear that sound? That's right: that is the sound of the retirement train coming. Stick is going to host a retirement party at his house for me so if you want to get an invitation you need to let him know. And no, Caveman will not be invited because he will want to park his stupidass motorcycle in the living room and tell us about how he has applied for a U. S. patent for a new fuel made from tofu, mung beans, and atomized flip-flops.

and now today's blast from the past:

"It's been a great vacation: at 13,000 miles per hour and 60,000 feet you can cover some ground. Rio, Cuba, Cambodia, Angeles City, Vietnam, Dominican Republic, South Miami Beach, Tokyo, Recife, Amsterdam, Kuala Lumpur, Bali, Indonesia: and now Pattaya just over the curve of the Earth. Consorting with the women of the world is not only about sex and love; it is my right and obligation as the most superior man in the world. Millions of women fax and email and snail mail and eye mail me requesting my attention and my seed and my strong western arms. At headquarters in the poolside garden condos on the grounds of the 2nd Road Marriot hotel in Pattaya my staff enter incoming data and collate and file and schedule. Once a week I have my ground crew at the A. A. Hotel go over the plane and then I head out to spread more Dana vibes. Hang on girls. I'm doing my best. Dana is coming."

and now, here we go:

DANA ALERT:

Fa has notified me that from now on 'short times' will be 1000 baht instead of 500 baht. No Dante circle in Hell can describe this horror. Poor blind Milton after ten crystal cut glass tumblers of Ron Jeremy 94 proof rum could not come up with words to describe this terrible happening in my life. 1000 baht in this over-rated sleaze bucket metropolis to copulate with an over-the-hill Fa? Madness. The world has gone mad. It would not surprise me if quantum mechanics had taken over and basic laws of physics no longer applied. Up is down, in is out, and fair market value is now some kind of hopeless dream. So, Dana fans; I am sending out this supplication to you. If you have any ideas on how I can get Fa to forget this silly idea? Please help me. Send all emails, faxes, letters, and special deliveries c/o Stickman. He has volunteered to sort and categorize incoming ideas.

1000 baht for 'short time'? Madness. I have a 70 year old English expat friend in Pattaya who never pays more than 300 baht and the Pattaya ladies are knocking on his door. At 500 baht I am a philanthropist to Thai ladies of the commercial kind. Do I get any credit for this? No I do not get any credit for this. Instead, the love of my life, has suddenly started taking crazy pills. It isn't easy to be me. I give and I give and give and what do I get? A cobra snapping at my penis.

THAI LADIES NAMES REDUX

Many years ago I wrote an article for this website in which I somewhat perplexingly, happily, and detailedly looked at the subject of Thai female names. I love Thai female first names. In the article, Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 122, I enclosed a long list of names. Was it a complete list? No it was not a complete list. Enclosed are some more Thai lady first names:

Aung — Gee — Naughty — Bo — On — BamBam — Rung — Jiew — Ducang
— Nuch — Nee — Pupae — Fah — Minn — Tay — Goo — Take — Soem — Soonee — Tan — Yak — Pancake — Oay — Bua — Palm — Bank — Eatty
— Pad — Kann — Por — Cheer — Jippy — Jeep — Ploy — Buwa — Noo
— Namwan — Weaw — Gigie — Happy — Taan — Opo — Ice — Gluay — Neth.

I don't think there are any repeaters from the first list. Ok, more girls names. A fun thing, and of course we have to respect these names as legitimate names. I'm not really really sure we have to do this but it seems to be a social courtesy to respect peoples' names. Still though, as an educated foreigner; it is impossible not to wonder about some of these personal first name monikers (white people talkin'). Example: Pancake? Does she have two sisters named Waffle and Syrup?

And Thai lady twin names? What might they be like? Should we not be surprised to see:

Lug and Nut
Con and Dom
Test and Icles
Arm and Pit
Pen and Is

Kingdom of Thailand enthusiasts who like to posture that they are smarter and more sophisticated than I am smart and sophisticated like to say that these name speculations are silly. Really? Here in the States it is not hard to stumble across Crystal Chandelier, Jack and Peter and Bunny Rabbit, Moon Unit, Sincere, Atheist, Karma, Lust, and Zero. Idiocy respects no boundaries. Anyway, Thai lady names. I love them.

DESERT ISLAND

Question. What Asian music would you like if you were stranded on a desert island? Remember, you are going to hear this music for the rest of your life, or until you are rescued; and you can only choose one singer. I think it would be fun to write them up and send them in to Stickmanbangkok. com. Please God strand me with the haunting and personal and traditional and classical and rock sounds of Ros Sereysothea. Chilling, non-western, riveting, and womanly. God what a singer. God what a woman. Killed when she was young by the Khmer Rouge but fortunately some of her music remains. Pol Pot knew what he was doing when he had her eliminated. She was one of the best and the brightest. The Golden Voice of Cambodia. God knows we would not want any of those people around. Anyway, that is my choice. What is your choice?

There are many music videos of Ros Sereysothea on the Internet. She sang in many different styles and was prolific.

One of my favourites is Cambodia Rocks 02 Ros Sereysothea. Unfortunately it is now removed for copyright infringement. Two other examples in the rock category are:

Ros Sereysothea–Chnam Oun 16

and

Penh Jet Thai Bong Mouy (Ago Go)–Ros Sereysothea

If I owned a bar in Thailand her music would be the music I would play before the bar closed at night.

SHOPPING FOR LOVE

Some readers like to have fun at my expense and criticize me regarding shopping for love on Pattaya's boardwalk. I should consider other venues for gender mixing and open myself up to other possibilities.

Recently, while ensconced in the Mickey Mouse Underpants Bar, I was smiling and waving at the beautiful naked women on the stage and they were smiling and waving back at me. Then one of the 'other possibilities' sat down next to me. She was young, gorgeous, white, American, super educated, and really really smart. Conversation revealed that she had gone to a famous college in America where she had majored in Feminism and minored in Social Activism. Her four favourite college courses were:

1. I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar
2. One Parent Families, Men Are Obsolete
3. Sex Equals Rape, All Men Are Rapists

and my favourite . . .

4. I'd Rather Boom-Boom Myself

I immediately got up, left, and walked down to the boardwalk where I found Ting leaning against a palm tree.

GEOMETRIZATION

"Perhaps his greatest accomplishment in a lifetime of breakthroughs was his Geometrization conjecture, which postulated that all possible 3-D spaces are made up of eight types of geometric pieces."

Yeah baby: right on. Kind of embarrassing though. My greatest achievement is figuring out that the best time to cruise the boardwalk in Pattaya is 9 a. m.– 11:00 a. m., 4:30 p. m.– 6:00 p. m. and 11:00 p. m. to midnight. Ok, there isn't much Geometrization involved but there are a lot of numbers so this mathematician guy and I have something in common. Maybe. Consider this:

"To colleagues, Dr. Thurston's most unusual gift was his ability to visualize complex shapes and problems."

Hey, isn't that what I do on the boardwalk in Pattaya looking at the girls and speculating on best moves? Sure it is. I guess if you look at it that way I am a monger mathematician and physicist or something. Every girl is a complex shape with possible problems. It's a minefield requiring high intelligence and focus. It's like you have to be a scientist or something. I've been accused of just throwing mud against the wall: depending on numbers and luck to sometimes find a diamond in the sand. Not true. I'm a calculating machine taking in data, assigning categories and odds. reaching reasonable conclusions, conducting experiments, and recording results. Then there is follow through and risk taking. The boardwalk is my lab.

William Thurston and my monger self: boardwalk brothers. ______________________