Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 342

  • Written by Dana
  • August 25th, 2012
  • 6 min read


Today's thought:

Last Words of Carl Panzram (1891-1930), murderer. Executed after being convicted of murdering twenty-three people.

"I wish the human race had one neck and I had my hands around it."

I wonder how he felt about lying bargirls. Anyway . . .

Here is Dana Quote Contest Number 11:

"Wall top fast response by Russians will be by military camo green turbo charged tuktuks bristling with offensive weapons, communications antennae, and UN approved torture devices. The tuk tuk's roof and tire rim logos will be pictures of me with my foot on a feminist's neck."

Bye-the-way, I have gotten some feedback from Stickmanbangkok. com readers and Dana fans that some of them could think of or remember better quotes. Point taken. Actually, a special app applied to my writing came up with 1587 fabulous quotes. It was just too much work for the girls here in the office. So basically we just got drunk and threw dice. These are the quotes we came up with. You can do the same thing with Milton and Shakespeare. Just get drunk and throw the dice. You'll come up with something that is great. Myself and Milton and Willie-the-Shake. Friends for life. Three guys from the neighborhood who did good.

Milton-to-Dana: You're the man bro. Shakespeare: Ditto that Milty.

and now the bonus quote:

"Who pulled the switch? Hey, who's asking? Viagra don't fail me now, the bonking train has left the station. The big wheels are turning, the whistle is blowing, steam is venting, brown skinned men are throwing baggage off the top, and the sun hot rails are being crushed under the advancing sex machine. Dogs are barking, and birds are bursting from the trees as sun blackened rice paddy faces stare in envy and in awe. She heaves, and grunts, and slaps me in the face."

INTRODUCTION

"Tiffany's Theater, Pattaya — 4 May 2012 — Miss Tiffany's Universe 2012 by Tiffany Show Theater Pattaya is the 15th anniversary of the beauty pageant. This year, under the concept "FREEDOM AVANT-GARDE", looks for the beautiful lady who has perfect face, smooth skin, good appearance and cleverness."

Attn: Stickman readers and Dana fans: the above quote appeared in the Pattayamail newspaper on the tranny beauty contest. Check out the last word in the quote. I give up–what is 'cleverness'. If a tranny uses a tampon to stop rectal bleeding is that cleverness? How exactly would she demonstrate that to the judges? Tying your penis back with leftover squid tentacles. Is that cleverness and how exactly would you demonstrate that to the judges and to the audience? Just asking. I'm only a foreigner not in tune with the specialness of the Thai culture. A tranny duct taping plastic funnels to her chest to save on the cost of surgery. Is that cleverness and I want to be in the audience when she explains that one. How about a tranny explaining to the Thai government that she does not have to do time in the army because she 'does not recognize the reality of her penis'. Damned clever if you ask me and again I want to be in the audience of this beauty pageant when she offers this as an example of cleverness. Perhaps she drops her pants on stage, leans over and says:

"I do not recognize the reality of you. You do not exist."

She'd get my vote.

Thai tranny contests and cleverness. I love this country. But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about today is:

WHAT'S IN A WORD?

Sometimes we can be so close and not see what is on the other side of the mirror. Example:

"The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little bit above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy." — Steven Weinberg

Now substitute the word 'bargirl' for 'universe' and we have:

"The effort to understand the bargirl is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy." — (with apologies to Steven Weinberg)

Makes you think doesn't it? Only one word separates us from the world of cosmology and the world of the boardwalk. God, these two-straw Chinese scorpion bowl drinks here at the Mickey Mouse Underpants Bar in Pattaya are great. For a premium they will lay a pair of underpants in the bowl before they pour the drinks. And now to finish with a small essay:

STUPID

Sometimes people call me stupid. It doesn't bother me that much, at least they are talking to me. I can't remember my parents talking to me. I know they must have talked to me but I can't remember them talking to me. Wouldn't you think I would remember?

So I don't really get too worked up if people call me stupid, and I am kinda used to people not talking to me at all. Like Fa. When I run up to her on the boardwalk in the morning she never wants to talk to me. I'm given to understand by her that she doesn't want to be seen by the police talking to a farang. She doesn't want to be taken to the monkey house because she is a prostitute. Ok, this make perfect sense; except, there are not any police around at nine o'clock in the morning. Anyway, that's her story and she's sticking to it. No talking. To me. I am so happy to see her I am about to burst and I am wearing my T-shirt with her face photo laminated on it but there is no talking. To me.

Before, during, and after sex in my room at the A. A. Hotel she doesn't want to talk to me. For years I used to think she was just quiet. Deep water. At the end of our time together I always dress, and like a gentleman; I accompany her to the hotel lobby and the hotel door. I don't just pay her and then close the door behind her, I respect her too much for that. I like her. While we are dressing, and walking down the hallway on the sixth floor, and going down in the elevator, and walking across the lobby together; she doesn't say one word to me. Sometimes I wonder if she knew my parents.

Once, many years ago, she put her hand on my chest on the top step of the hotel entrance and smiled at me. I have been hanging on to that for years. Maybe she does care for me. Maybe not talking is just her way. Our way. I can't remember my parents touching me either. Prostitutes in Thailand. I have found a place and I have found a people that give me more than I got at home. Just lucky I guess.