I like to keep my private life for myself. I will do this in this article. My personal life and my exact story is not important. The purpose of this article is important.
I have communicated with Stickman several times during the past year. I never gave him my real name. After returning from my trip to Thailand, I am reluctant to take at face value anything that is related to Thailand. But I have to write this article because there are some people (men) who travel to Thailand who need to understand something that they would probably understand if Thailand was not so illusive.
I don’t know Stickman and I have no incentive to praise his website. So, bear with me and try to take at face value what I am writing here. I have been deeply impressed by my experience related to Thailand. I would like to share my story and hopefully some readers will benefit from what I have to say.
I think that every man (single or married) who travels to Thailand for any reason should read two things. One, everything on the website of Stickman. Two, the book “Private Dancer”. It is preferable to read the information in these two sources before traveling to Thailand. But I suspect that most men read this after going to Thailand and after getting bitten by the Thailand bug (I am talking about Thai women that Farangs usually meet). I also suspect that even men who read this website and “Private Dancer” may still be vulnerable. It is difficult to understand the extent of the deceit that some women in Thailand will go to. It is not anything like what we encounter in Farangland. I also suspect that even men, who found this website after going to Thailand, would still cling to the fantasy they found in Thailand. It is a powerful trap.
I did not have any information about what goes on in Thailand. It hit me out of nowhere.
You find “Private Dancer” online. I think that it should be mandatory for every man to read Stickman’s website and this book before going to Thailand. There is no guarantee that every man will be immune from what is waiting for him in Thailand. But every man will have a fair warning.
The book Private Dancer is amazing. It is totally irrelevant whether the story itself is based on real characters or not. The book describes reality as it is. Even every sentence that the Thai woman tells the Farang in the book is exactly the sentences that these women use. There is only one thing in this book with which I disagree. The author describes “The Pretty Woman Syndrome”. He says that the plot of the movie “Pretty Woman” is unrealistic because in real life it never happens that a man and a prostitute live happily ever after. I disagree not because I think that a man and a prostitute can live happily ever after. I disagree because it is not the Pretty Woman syndrome. It is worse than that.
In the movie, the man is not interested to get serious with the prostitute. But she wants a serious relationship with him. She wants to change her life. Indeed, she decides to get out of prostitution even when she thinks that she will never see him again.
This is not what happens between Farangs and Thai prostitutes. The Farang wants to change the Thai prostitute. He wants her to change her life. He wants a serious relationship with her. He begs her for love. Meanwhile, she does not love him. She does not want to change. She is unlikely to succeed even if she wanted to change. If you have any addiction then you will understand why she can not change even if she wanted (you may refer to my previous article from August 17, 2012: “ So you want to marry a Thai prostitute?”).
There is something baffling about so many men falling in love with Thai prostitutes (I don’t use the term bar girl. It is like gamblers who use the term “playing” when they gamble for their life savings), try to turn her into an honest woman, and try to marry her. Personally, I don’t even understand how anybody can take a chance to even have sex with a prostitute (with or without a condom). Anyway, how does this phenomenon take place? Many people who did not go through this experience will not understand it. Even people who go through this experience do not understand it.
I call it “The Boiling Frog Syndrome”. Here is a quote from Wikipedia: “The boiling frog story is a widespread anecdote describing a frog slowly being boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability of people to react to significant changes that occur gradually. According to contemporary biologists the premise of the story is not literally true; a frog submerged and gradually heated will jump out. However, some 19th-century experiments suggested that the underlying premise is true, provided the heating is sufficiently gradual.”
I am a single man in my 50’s. I still look good and I have energy. I never got married. I am 100% heterosexual. I never met the right woman. I traveled to Thailand alone. The last thing on my mind was women (at least for the purpose of this trip). I did not know anything about Thai culture and sex tourism. I had never heard the term bargirl. I went to travel alone (something that I have done a lot in my life). There are many advantages to traveling alone. You go wherever you want whenever you want. And you always meet people.
For the first two weeks in Thailand, I had a good time. It’s easy to enjoy Thailand. It is a fascinating country. I went to tourist places. I mingled with the locals in the markets. I met foreign travelers. Life was good. The part which I enjoyed the least was when two foreigners suggested that we go to a bar. I did once. I took one of those girls to my hotel room. I played with her but there was no contact of any fluids (No condom, no intercourse. Use your imagination). As I said, I would not take a chance of having sex with a prostitute. She was surprised when I gave her 2,000 baht anyway. But who cares. You could say that I had a good time. I would not consider it the highlight of my trip. I enjoyed much more going to the market in the morning, eating broiled fish and buying those exotic fruit. I have girlfriends in Farangland when I want sex. Why should I take a chance with a prostitute? I would not even enjoy having sex with a prostitute.
I tried to pick up local women. As a single man I know the score. I don’t expect most women to go to bed with me. In fact, I realized that Thai women are very traditional. Even women in their 40’s who were not good looking were not easy. <Probably women in that age group grew up in a more traditional Thailand and would be much more conservative than a woman half their age – Stick>
I met a Farang who looked like shit. I asked him for some directions. As we started talking, he told me that he came from Australia for the fifth birthday of his daughter. I asked him if he is married to a Thai woman. He said that his ex-wife is Thai and she is a bargirl. I already heard this term during the past two weeks. I asked him: “How could you marry a prostitute”? He just stared into space and looked like he did not understand my question.
On the third week of my trip, I was sitting on a bus in Bangkok. A beautiful young lady came to sit near me. She gave me a nice smile. She offered me water and we started to talk. She started telling me personal things. She lives with her aunt and uncle, etc. I was surprised that she showed interest in me. She was in her late 20’s. But who am I to argue about such a wonderful opportunity. I asked her out.
I don’t want to get into details of everything that happened with this woman. The details are not important. She came for a date with me. I took her to a restaurant. I felt like I have not felt since I was young. She came with me to the hotel. I had sex with her and yes, I used a condom. I assumed that this is a boyfriend-girlfriend situation. I have been doing this all my life so nothing here seemed to me unusual. She did not ask me for money. I did not meet her in a bar. I met her the same way that I met women all my life in Farangland.
There was something unusual about this situation. A beautiful girl of her age would not give me a second look in Farangland. But try to tell this to a man in his 50’s who is falling in love fast. I even asked her about the age difference. She assured me that age does not matter to her. I was surprised about this. Every time we met, her face would light up. She looked happy to see me. I felt that we clicked.
There were a few other little things that did not fall into place. I had to pay for everything. She even asked me for the taxi fare that she spent coming to see me. I did not give her the taxi fare. It did not sound right to me. Besides, why does she use taxis all the time?
Her knowledge of English was almost zero. So, we smiled a lot to each other. She left me messages with the hotel clerk telling me that she misses me. I want to stop here and say that if I knew what I know now then I would understand what is going on here. But I did not know what I know now about Thailand. But forget Thailand for a minute. If this happened to me anywhere in the world now I would suspect that something is terribly wrong. But this was the first time that I had this kind of experience, especially at my age. You see, I always knew that I am special. I always knew that the right woman would come along. Yes, I started giving up on this when I became 50 years old. But life is full of surprises. I went on a trip to Thailand and I met this beautiful, young exotic woman. She enjoys every moment with me, she does not care about the age difference, and I was falling in love with her fast and hard.
I saw other Farangs my age with their young “girlfriends” walking around Bangkok. But I knew that my situation was totally different. As I said, I had no reason to suspect that the woman of my dreams is a prostitute. There was nothing in my experience to prepare me for such a thing. As I mentioned, there were all kinds of little things that did not add up. But I was feeling high. It did not make sense to say to her goodbye based on little things. I became addicted to her smile, her body, and her company.
One day, she suddenly told me that she had to go away to her mother for two weeks. It did not make sense to me. It was so unpredictable. I consulted with a Farang who lives in Bangkok. He told me that there is no doubt in his mind that this woman is a prostitute. This is Thailand. I am a Farang. Based on everything that happened so far, she must be a prostitute. I took the plane back home. I did not tell her anything. I had to say goodbye to this situation forever.
When I got home I missed her. I looked at women on the street and I could not see any one as beautiful as she is. Never mind that most of these young women are not interested in me. Never mind that women in Farangland, in their 40’s and 50’s with fat asses think they are God’s gift. This is all irrelevant. I missed my Thai girlfriend. I missed everything about her. I started communicating with her.
She told me that she is in love with me too. She wants to get married with me and have a family with me. I asked her many times if she is a prostitute. I know how stupid this sounds. But what choice did I have? Of course, she denied anything regarding prostitution. She said to me words of love that a woman never told me before. I said her words of love that I never said to any woman. I fell in love with her and I was determined to marry her. I found the love of my life.
There were again many little things which did not jive. I could not speak with her on the phone in the evenings because her aunt and uncle would hear her speak English with a Farang. She would not always answer her cell phone during the day because she was busy at work. Am I supposed to say goodbye to the love of my life because of such things? I need to understand her culture. Our love is real and strong. We will not let misunderstandings of cultural difference come between us. When I spoke with her on the phone, things did not always make sense. For some reason, she always was in a taxi, out from work for lunch, or shopping. She did not have lunch at the same time every day. Sometimes, she would be in a car with a man. Of course, the man was only working with her and giving her a ride to the restaurant for lunch. Her email messages were not clear to me. She wrote in Thai. I used software to translate. But her messages seemed to ignore important things that I said in my messages. Well, you know, there is the language barrier. And we are not going to let this destroy our love. One day, we will be able to tell our children how we overcame our cultural and language barriers. This is a true love story.
I was working hard for her visa to bring her to Farangland. If she does not get the visa then I will go to Thailand, we will get married, and I will bring her to Farangland.
There were many other things that did not make sense. For example, she got a second cellphone. Now she has two cell phones. Why does she need two cellphones? For me one cellphone is more than enough. How could she afford to have two cellphones, use taxis, go to restaurants, buy clothes, etc. when her salary is only $250 a month?
I Googled “Thai women”. Oh, my God. I also found the website of Stickman. I read everything on Stick’s website. The bad feelings stated to become loud and they lingered. But my situation had to be different. She never asked me for money. I don’t have any proof that she is a prostitute. Yes, she asked me for taxi fare in Bangkok. Yes, she expected me to pay for every baht when she was with me in Bangkok. Yes, she had sex with me on the first date and she was good at it. Yes, she is kind of unpredictable. Yes, her daily and nightly schedule does not make sense to me. Yes, her email and phone messages did not allow smooth communication. But I need to understand the cultural and language barriers. I also need to understand her personality. She seemed to be a little absent minded and disorganized.
So, I accepted that she may be riding in a car with a man when I call her. I accepted that I can not call her in the evening. I accepted that she may be anywhere any time when I call her during the day. I accepted that she may not answer the phone sometimes. I accepted that our phone conversation got disconnected almost every time we spoke. She would always ask me if something is wrong with my telephone. I knew that my phone was ok. I assumed that this happens when you call Thailand.
When we started discussing her visa application, I realized that her work history was confusing for some reason. But I need to understand her because she is not educated and they do things differently in Thailand. So, we were together figuring out how to fill out gaps in her work history. Do you understand? She is a woman without education. Thailand is not nice to women and especially women without education. They also have certain ways of doing things in Thailand in a way that we don’t understand. For example, some of her jobs were off the books. Am I going to say goodbye to her for this? Or because she goes to lunch with a colleague? Or because her lunch is at a different time every day (usually when I call)? Or if she is in a public bathroom when I talk with her on the phone (because she does not want her colleagues to hear her talking to a Farang. She is a nice lady with good reputation)?
At this point I was helping her to lie on her visa application. Well, I was helping her to lie to me about her life. How crazy is that? It is not only that I accepted things which I would never accept from a woman before. It is not only that I had a lingering feeling that she is a prostitute. By now I read “Private Dancer”. It is not only obvious that she is giving me a script: “I love you too much”, “I can’t sleep because I think about you too much”, “You are my only love”, etc. I was actually helping her to lie to me. There was no “we”. There was no “us”. I was fighting for her visa while she was lying to me and manipulating me.
I already said that I don’t understand why anybody would marry a prostitute. At this point it was obvious to me that she was a prostitute. I also knew that she will never admit it and she will never be honest with me about anything. I wrote her long emails. I explained to her that I know that she is a prostitute. I told her that I understand her. I even understand that she can not be honest with me now. But I told her that I am offering her a chance for a new life. I will give her a normal life. All she has to do is stop being a prostitute, change her life, and be honest with me.
I don’t know how I got to this point. It is the boiling frog. It happened slowly, one step after another. Now I am chasing a prostitute to marry me. But it was like I was talking to the wall. First, her attitude was that I should accept everything she says as truth otherwise she will say goodbye to me. So, all the contradictions in her behavior and all the obvious signs that she is a prostitute will go unanswered. As far as she is concerned it is my problem, not hers. All I need to do is accept everything and not ask any questions. She does not see any problems and there is no reason for her to change anything.
I was devastated and at a loss about what to do. It was not easy for me to go back to a world before this fantasy. One day, she told me that she will be able to show to the embassy that she has money in her bank account so that she can get the visa. I asked her what she was talking about. Nothing anymore was going to surprise me about her behavior. She told me that she did a real good job at her work and she will be rewarded the amount of one month's salary almost every two weeks. Since the work that she is doing is really extraordinary, she will have the money put in her bank account by different men about every two weeks. BOOM!
I said: “Excuse me. I am tired now. I need to go to sleep”. It was late at night. There was nothing else for me to say. There was no more fantasy. No love. Nothing.
Six months have passed since the last time that I spoke to her. The way I look at it now is that it was an interesting experience. I was really in love. Never mind that I was in love with a fantasy. I learned a lot about what love is and is not. The fantasy was sweet and painful. I would not want to go through a similar thing again. Something more low profile and real would be fine. As for her, I have no bad feelings about her. She is not even relevant in this story. It was me. I am responsible for my life. She has her life. I went to travel in Southeast Asia and I met a woman. That woman has her life. I have my life.
Nicely put together and it's refreshing to enjoy a submission of the style that many were in the early days of this site.
And yeah, everyone should read Private Dancer!