Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 328

  • Written by Dana
  • May 19th, 2012
  • 5 min read



Hello Stick

Just a short note to tell you that the content for Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 500 is probably going to run about 80,000 words. It's title will be Reflections in the Mirror and will be a review of all of my journal notes over the last ten years regarding myself looking at myself in the mirror and then making journal observations about the 'looking-at-myself-in-the-mirror' experience. Naturally I will not be able to cover every instance of myself looking in the mirror at myself and then writing about it because there are thousands and thousands of instances and long detailed heartfelt journal entries. So to keep this submission down to 80,000 words will require ruthless slash-and-burn editing. Anyway, just a little update on Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 500 to come. And of course I need not remind you that you promised to fly me over first class when #500 goes up.

Now on to Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 328 and thank-you.

Dana
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Bitten By A Cobra

A little known and so little appreciated writing genre is post WWII (1946-1950, and the 60's) professional hunter and non-professional hunter anecdotes and stories of stuff that happened in Africa. Africa. Or AFRICA. A phenomenally dangerous world where sometimes it seems that everything with a beating heart can hurt you, maim you, terrify you, kill you, eat you. Most natives were not well armed if armed at all and many did not live long. Life was a crapshoot and most gamblers lose. Just going to the river for water was a duel with death. Example:

One native survived being attacked by a buffalo, horned twice in two separate rhinoceros attacks, bitten by a cobra, taken by a crocodile at the water's edge, bitten and constricted by an attacking python, and bitten by a lion. At night around the fire you can pretty much guess what the natives talked about. An elderly native might have had many skills, but he or she was also a lucky native. In addition to the above, natives died of thirst, starved to death, fell into their own pungy pit animal traps, fell from trees, and succumbed to many knife fights.

But all of the above is nothing compared to the attacks, miseries, surprises, acts of disrespect, maimings, and near death experiences suffered routinely by foreign men mixing with Thai females. To wit:

You come home to your lover and you find that she has smashed the aquarium and thrown all of the furniture off of the balcony. She explains that she found a picture of another woman in your wallet. It is a picture of your mother. At least you are not being bitten and constricted by an attacking python. Just go with it. Don't be such a baby.

You come home and your Thai lady meets you at the door with ketchup all over her face and the apartment is full of Thai police. She accuses you of beating her. The Thai police listen. Ok, this is not good but at least you are not being taken by a crocodile at the water's edge. Of course while this is happening to you it will seem as if being taken by a crocodile at the water's edge would be preferable to having any kind of contact with a Thai female but we live in a world of relativity. Or something. Just be a leaf on the wind. Stop complaining.

You come home and your girlfriend is there and a dead body is there. There is a dead Thai male on the bed. Ok, you could be forgiven for thinking that this looks much worse than being horned twice in two separate rhinoceros attacks. And you are right. It is worse, much worse. But what can you do? And let us not forget that her breasts are so high that they hit her under the chin. So act like a man. Heave the body out of the window and for Christ's sake stop whining. Don't be such a girlie about life. Sure having contact with a Thai female is more dangerous than anything that can happen in Africa but on the other hand; sweet Jesus on a cracker, what a body. You would never hear a native or a white man saying that about a rhinoceros.

One more. You wake up in the middle of the night because a part of your brain makes you wake up. She is trying to cut off your penis with a pair of scissors. Hilarity does not follow. Sure this is worse, much worse, than being bitten by a lion, or being attacked by a buffalo in a rice paddy. Under many circumstances the A.A. Hotel in Pattaya is more dangerous than Africa. I once pretended to pay Fa only fifty baht after we had spent some adult time together. Nothing in Africa was as frightening as her face. Anyway: you, like men before you, have fallen into the traps and the snares of the Thai female. But isn't it interesting that you are not leaving? You are not leaving Thailand. You are not packing to go to the airport. You almost had your penis cut off and your are not packing to go to the airport.

So don't complain. You caught her almost cutting off your penis and you are not leaving. Why? What difference does it make why? You are not leaving the Kingdom. In fact, you didn't even think of it. The idea did not even pop into your head. If you were attacked by a python and bitten by a lion on safari in Africa you would be headed for the airport immediately. You wouldn't even pack. Just grab your passport and haul ass to the place where the planes can get you the hell out of Africa. But you aren't doing that in Thailand. The place when combined with the Thai female is much more dangerous than Africa but instead you are carrying your furniture that she threw over the balcony back upstairs. You are going to the place that sells fish and aquariums to start over. You are getting rid of all of the scissors and the knives in the house. You are throwing out all of the ketchup bottles so that she can not pretend that you beat her up. And you are not complaining. You are actually smiling. Hey, maybe you are as crazy as she is. Maybe a place more dangerous than Africa is just what you need.

Somebody should write about this stuff.