Readers' Submissions

Thai Family Soap Opera




Names have been changed to protect the guilty… Aunty Sow the core of things, I think. I was never impolite enough to ask how she became the mistress of a Chinese merchant twenty years ago but just about everyone she knew seemed to be involved with the neon, Thai style, in her Korat home town. She had a kid with the Chinese guy before he disappeared and left her with a house down by the railway tracks that seemed to be sinking millimetre by millimetre back into the land. She was a typical Thai, expecting a magical incantation to transform her property rather than a bit of hard graft. It was perfectly situated to be flooded out on a bad day.

In the end, after a brief sojourn in Phuket, she ended up with a horned up French guy and persuaded him to transform another property that she had in the middle of nowhere, but at least it was on the top of a hill and unlikely to be flooded out — she was maybe learning some tricks along the line. It was accessed via a gravel track and only likely to be connected to the electrical grid if you had some personal connections with the electric company (which she did). She claimed that it had previously been a bakery but the barn-like structure looked ideally situated for more nefarious activities such as ya ba production, made more likely when it became plain that she had some connections to dodgy looking cops.

She displayed a disarming innocence when she admitted that she hadn't taken ten or twenty percent commission on the building materials she purchased to both build a new house and renovate the barn into a second house. Most farang constructions hugely inflated by any Thais involved ramping the costs and splitting the profits. Before she could get going she had to get the title deeds back from one of her nieces, Nix, who she had borrowed money from previously. Nix ran a beauty salon in Bangkok where she lived with her much younger Thai man… who she passed off as her brother to the elderly Australian expat who she was actually married to. As a farang was involved, as far as Aunty Sow was concerned this was free money that would never need to be paid back but Nix reckoned herself a business woman and it took extravagant promises of fiscal profit to get the title deeds back which were held for surety against the loan. As far as Aunty Sow was concerned, if she was stupid enough to give the deeds back the loan was now forgiven, the Australian could make up any deficit.

The French guy not entirely idiotic, insisted on an usufruct on the title deeds, overseen by a Bangkok lawyer who Aunty Sow couldn't bribe or coerce into conning the French guy… She soon cheered up when she realised that the deeds would revert to her immediately the French guy expired. Between the Chinese guy and French guy she had a long affair, and three kids, with a Thai man, claiming they had run some kind of business together when the going was good. The going went bad when Aunty Sow found another niece, Ham, was having an affair with her Thai man! Instant end to relationship with Thai man and Ham run out of town.

But Ham went to Pattaya, after an apprenticeship in a local brothel and then being a karaoke girl in Korat, got her claws into a few farang whilst living with a Thai man, Ling, she picked up along the way – as he came from the same village as her there was an instant attraction despite or because being possibly related. Aunty Sow soon forgave Ham, after picking clean the latter's bank account to the tune of 100,000 baht, money saved up from a year's being a star in a go-go bar. Ling, a good Thai man in the sense that he was a bit retarded, as local boyfriends go, happy to work as a caretaker in the apartment block where they lived and leave Ham to save her money for their future mansion back in Korat. Ling spent his nights on the whisky Lao and didn't even object to sloppy seconds when Ham came back from servicing farang.

Aunty Sow did good with the Frenchman's money, a luxury complex on a hill for about a million and half baht that even ran to a swimming pool. She even got the local mayor and other celebrities to turn up for the house warming party but she didn't tell anyone that it wasn't wholly in her name. The Frenchman thought he was doing well until he realised that much younger beauties were readily available in Korat so he tried to push Aunty Sow into group sex with his visiting friends, leaving her outraged at such a degenerate thought. Aunty Sow soon relegated to the second house, now just a good friend rather than wife whilst new women were paraded in front of her and her family.

Meanwhile niece Ham had ensnared her own farang, Tim, and brought him to Korat, whilst Ling had tagged along and moved into one of Aunty Sow's spare rooms. Tim had already had a few relationships with Thai women so wasn't going to be easy to pick clean but Ham was tired out servicing farang and wanted a bit of a rest from the neon. But Aunty Sow was also looking after Play, a Thai guy who was interested in Ham after it became apparent that she wanted to finish the bar — looking after as in enjoying sex with, that is. But Play didn't know about Ling who wasn't happy to have a rival in the house… and Tim didn't know about either of them and certainly couldn't get his head around Play having sex with Aunty Sow whilst he waited for Ham to rob him blind. Of all the Thai guys hanging around only Play actually looked like a human being, having a couple of regular jobs… poor old Ling was huge, bloated out as the consumption of local whisky slowly destroyed his inner organs.

Nix had a long lease on a shop-house in northern Bangkok and had arranged for Play to be there when Ham and Tim visited so that Play and Ham could have sex upstairs whilst Tim waited downstairs, thinking Ham was in the toilet and not knowing that Play was also there. Except that Ham was overheard hurrying Play along in Thai, which Tim spoke a smidgen of… but he acted as if he didn't understand and the girls in the shop were all giggles when Ham returned and told them that Play reckoned it was the best sex he had ever had. Some face made for the Thai nation anyway.

Nix was on a spending spree despite neither having any money nor making much profit from the beauty salon — the girls who worked there assumed she had an endless supply of Australian money and that they could palm off as much currency as they wanted when Nix wasn't around, with an almost communistic glee. She had signed up for a condominium over the other side of town, a hugely impressive development except it was in the middle of nowhere. She'd also borrowed money to buy land for her family in Korat and found another shop near the condo where she could start a beauty saloon — never mind that she still had to pay for the lease on the original shop-house which she promptly closed down. She got away with all this because she kept telling everyone she had a rich farang husband with an endless supply of money.

In the interests of fairness, when she had the house warming for the condo she squeezed Ling into a wardrobe in one room so that he could have sex with Ham whilst Tim was distracted in the other room… Tim had clamped down on Ham, insisting that they stayed together 24/7, causing much outrage from Ling and Play. Tim and Ham were living in a rented condo in Korat whilst a frustrated Ling would stand outside singing Thai love songs at the top of his voice… he nearly had a heart attack from the repressed violence when he heard Tim joining in by barking like a mad dog. He would spend the night drinking whisky with the moto boys outside the condo, complaining loudly that he was getting neither sex nor money — making him a laughing stock!

Ling was a lot happier when Tim bought Ham a house, it was only a small detached dwelling in a dilapidated state that they got for 400k from the bank. He was morally outraged when he found out Tim had only paid half, the rest emptying Ham's bank account. They were penniless in possession of a ruined house that wasn't even anywhere near the village they came from. Ling got a job with a nearby small factory where he did the rubbish, cleaned out the toilets and the simpler maintenance tasks — he tended to destroy more complicated jobs rather than fix them. Ham promised him all the building work on the house, at hugely inflated rates — at last some face — but Tim ended up doing it all himself, even getting Ham to do the painting!

The house next door rented out to a bunch of young lads who complained to Ling — taking the piss — that Ham made an awful amount of noise during sex with the farang, which went on for hours! At most Ling managed a quick five minutes with Ham whilst Tim was distracted with the building work. Ling made less than the minimum wage and all that went on whisky to get him through the night, the factory let him stay for free in a hut which he heard farang say was more like a dog kennel! Ham promised Ling that as soon as the house was finished she would get rid of Tim.

But Tim decided he didn't like Korat, so they would move to Chiang Mai and sell the house for 600k then buy another house there to renovate. Ham told Ling to stay close to the house to watch over it rather than follow them to Chiang Mai where he knew no-one nor had any work and that she would give him some money when the house was sold. Ling's complaints about the way he was being abused by the farang had gone from the moto guys he liked to drink with to one of the minor Mafia bosses who was stupefied at the loss of face for the Thai brotherhood from having a farang enjoying free sex with a bar girl and not letting her off on her own to appease Ling or any other Thai who happened to be hanging around and in need of sex. Ling told Ham that he could get a Mafia thug to kill Tim, no charge made but Ham reckoned there was still plenty of money to be made from Tim and handed over his credit card details so the Mafia could drain that account.

The Mafia guy so excited by the prospect of financially skinning Tim alive he bought Ling a motorcycle so he could run drugs back and forth between Korat and Chiang Mai — Ling wasn't known to the police so had his uses and if it all went wrong they could always get any money lost back from Ham who had rejected the easy solution to Ling's loss of face of putting a bullet in Tim. Aunty Sow almost had a fit when she realised the hole that Ham was digging for herself but she had her own problems as the French guy had cut back her monthly stipend and she could barely pay the finance on her new car. She was less than amused when Tim pointed out she had handed over the land for free as well as missing out on the commission from inflating building material prices.

Aunty Sow was busy trying to persuade the Frenchman and Tim to fund a resort on some land she happened to own, or part owned with other relatives… there wasn't an actual title deed but the family had occupied it for as long as could be recalled. She had already constructed a hut which she was sure that passing tourists would be happy to pay to stay in and envisaged a couple of rai filled with wooden structures that she could lord it over for the edification of all concerned. Death for Aunty Sow would be living alone. Tim thought that filling agricultural land with a holiday camp was likely to end in disaster unless all the profits were handed over to keep local officials happy and wanted nothing to do with it. The Frenchman was spending all his money on ever younger babes and had none left for investment.

The apartment block that Tim and Ham rented in Chiang Mai was run by the Chinese who wanted nothing to do with the Isarn Mafia and didn't want Ling to work as a doorman or even cleaner. The idea of paying rent made Ling want to throw up, he couldn't get his head around the idea of handing over his whisky money to a Chinese landlord and berated Ham for letting Tim chose such an apartment block. He made do with a bench in a nearby restaurant in return for doing a couple of hours heavy lifting a day for free. There were a lot of discontented dogs when they found out Ling was living off the scraps that were normally thrown at them. He did a weekly drug run between Chiang Mai and Korat to pay off the motorcycle but the Mafia boss was buzzing with anger when he found out that there wasn't any credit left on the credit card; people had had their maritals cut off for less.

Play gave up on Ham, he actually quite liked Tim who seemed almost Thai in his disinclination to cause trouble and had grown tired of Aunty Sow's sexual demands — he was too straight for such a mad family and yearned for his simple life in Bangkok. Ham didn't care as there wasn't much money to be had in marrying Play, he was still supporting his ex-wife and two kids but he looked kind of cute and had a hard rice-cutter's body. Tim caused general outrage in the family when he started sodomizing Ham, Ling nearly bit right through his tongue when he found out and rushed off to his Mafia mates to see what they could make of it. General consensus, unless there was an influx of quick money Tim had to die.

Ham's house in Korat sold to a civil servant but Tim made sure all the money went straight into Ham's bank account but they managed to syphon off a few thousand out of the tax money (house taxes so complex it was easy to add on a few thousand) for Ling which he blew in a night on whisky and brothel visits. The only cold evidence he had two days later when he woke up in a ditch was an itchy dick that sported a red rash. The f.. king farang had infected him! He turned up at Aunty Sow's ready to kill someone but Ham and Tim had already left. She got him cooled down with some whisky, ninety percent proof stuff that a relative brewed. It only seemed right that she should seduce Ling, what goes around comes around. Which it did as she was still sexually active with the Frenchman when there weren't any young girls around.

Tim was getting frightened of Ham, her eyes were looking just the same as previous Thai women who had tried to turn him over despite her having 600k in the bank from the house sale. The joy had gone out of her life, not so easy as she thought it would be to turn a farang over and her Thai soulmate had somehow transformed himself into a Mafia goon who she barely recognised but she realised that that if she gave up on him he would kill her. The fact that he had slept with Aunty Sow soon got back to her through the miracle of the mobile phone and she suggested that the best thing Tim and she could do was get married and go live in his country, which given the state of her eyes had Tim full of visions of being a quick route to either destitution or death. Perhaps a last throw of the dice for Ham.

Aunty Sow blamed the Frenchman for the infection and threatened him with death unless he undid the usufruct on the deeds and left Korat immediately. The Frenchman's cock looked like it was about to fall off and he decided retreat to free French medical care was in order but his passport had disappeared and Ling plus a couple of his Mafia mates were giving him death stares. A compliant Korat lawyer summoned and a visit to the land registry sorted things out and Ling even offered to take him to Bangkok on the back of his motorcycle but some guys from the French embassy belatedly arrived and took one look at the scene, reckoned he was lucky to get away with his life intact. Which given the state of his cock it probably wasn't.

Ling hurried back to Chiang Mai to make sure Ham hadn't done a disappearing act with all the money that was rightly his, determined to beat the shit out of Tim. He'd taken a couple of bottles of Aunty Sow's whisky to keep him going through the thunderstorms and was barely conscious when the bike skidded off the road under a foot of water but he was so drunk that his body floated over the tarmac and he woke up two days later in another ditch with nothing more worrying than a dose of gravel rash. All that could be found of the motorcycle was the seat and handlebars and he had the grand sum of five baht in his pocket, right in the middle of nowhere, a 350 kilometre walk to either Chiang Mai or Korat.

Meanwhile, the lovely Nix was deep in the shit with a queue of creditors forming an orderly line outside her door… she ended up slitting her wrists in the toilet when Khun Australia refused to sort the mess out… Aunty Sow turned up with some of her police chums to point out the error of his ways, and what was a couple of million baht compared to his freedom and health? The guy said he would sort it out but could only get the money if he went back to Australia. Of course, he was never heard from again and Nix had to go into hiding — in a Phuket go-go.

Ling eventually turned up in Chiang Mai looking like a meths swilling tramp but he couldn't get past the apartment's dogs who were trained to see off vagrants and nearly took a lump out of his groin, which the excess of whisky had miraculously cured or at least put into remission. He had begged food, drink and transport along the way, berating and threatening anyone who didn't acknowledge him as part of the Thai brotherhood. Ham had been warned by Aunty Sow that Ling was a walking health hazard and had persuaded Tim that a quick relocation to Bang Saen would be a good idea, where they could look for something to renovate and the Chonburi Mafia clan wanted nothing to do with the Isarn lot… but she would still have to give the moto boys some free sex to keep the Thai face up.

Adding it all up, Aunty Sow had a nice house on a hill in the middle of nowhere, filled now with mostly useless members of her extended family and no means to pay off the finance on her flash new car which she told everyone the Frenchman had bought for her. Except she had one daughter who was already doing the neon dance in Korat and another two who could soon join her — she was forty-something and still attractive and just hoped all the antibiotics worked!

Ham had a pile of dosh in her bank account and still had her claws into Tim who wasn't unaware of her proclivities but he was thirty years her senior and getting fantastical sex out of the deal and saving the 50,000 baht a month he normally spent on the bar scene.

The Mafia boss was still waiting for Tim's bank details and wondering where his drug mule Ling had gone with the motorcycle he hadn't yet paid for. He would have visited Aunty Sow but she had some past connections with high ranking cops who he didn't want to cross but a call to Immigration revealed where Tim was now residing…

All of this more or less true, related to me by another niece of the lovely Aunty Sow.



Stickman's thoughts:

The title of this submission is perfect and knowing the shenanigans that go on here, I don't doubt that this is true in its entirety!