Against My Own Rules

It’s been a long time since my last submission. A few years in fact. But, submissions or not, I kept coming to Thailand for the last 26 years, although admittedly in the last 2 – 3 without with the same initial enthusiasm. I am not trying to fool you. You have already guessed, it was not the temples, or the beaches or the spicy food. It was the winning combination of cheap accommodation and cheap, very easily available and attractive female company that nowhere else you can find in this miserable planet. Combined with the all year round tropical weather it was the only really all inclusive package you could get at a reasonable price.

As the years came by, I developed strategies, rules and behaviors that, combined with the knowledge of the local language, helped me to get the most of every trip. One of my cardinal rules was never stay with a woman you like very much more than a couple of days. The human brain has some very dangerous tendencies to develop strong emotions under such circumstances. Maybe not all the time but the danger is still there. You never know when it will strike and you must defend yourself. Stop for 2 – 3 days, play the field, replace her with some other gals you like and if you really do want her, go take her again at a later time. Let her know exactly what you do so she can understand that you’re not an easy to get newcomer.

Over the years I have become very selective who I spend my time with, and I look around a lot before choosing someone. I prefer to sit alone in a bar beer watching the crowds than go with a lady I like very little. Luckily most of the time I was getting more or less what I wanted, mainly due to the very wide availability.

I treat my ladies very well, with respect, and I feel most happy when they are happy too. I am generous, and I always ask them what their idea of fun is to see if I can please them in any way. To be called "na beua" is my worst nightmare. I want to leave good impressions behind and I have become friends with many of them. In response they usually give me a lot of fun and pleasure in reward.

I found that the knowledge of the Thai language is essential to get the most out of a "relationship" of this sort. Very rarely I developed any romantic emotion in the last 10 years and then I was able to suppress it at the beginning. I was amazed to find a large number of good-hearted and pleasing women in the most unlikely and seedy places. I followed my rules strictly for many years and was doing well, until recently. Bored after long walks with no suitable for my difficult taste woman in sight, suddenly I heard a voice calling me. I turned around, a pretty face sitting, and somehow reluctantly I walked towards her as I felt the urge for a cold drink and a little rest rather than sexual desire. As she came close by and got me the drink I suddenly realized what I have found in the most improbable place. "Oh, s.. t!", I exclaimed in astonishment and she asked me what she did wrong. "Oh, f.. k", I cried again. In front of my eyes was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, tall, with a body to die for, and a very bubbly personality. I showered her with a tsunami of compliments that I felt were all true. She called me a "paak waan" and she was good to go for a fraction of what others demanded and of what I was willing to give.

She was working the bars for 1 month (so she said), could not speak a word of English and was available for company 24/7. More even than her beauty, I enjoyed her personality. Although from the beginning I stated my intentions, I mentioned my numerous past relations and my extreme "butterfly" behavior, she did everything to please me, and I don't mean only sexually. After a while she acted as if she was madly in love with me and as if we had known each other for years. In this give me / I give you game, we seemed to match perfectly. After 2 days, when the time limit for my cardinal rule approached, my iron will was shattered. I was addicted to her in such a bad way that everything else seemed boring and unimportant. We stayed together for another 5 days and my passion for her was growing wild. I could pay good money only to watch her sleep, walk or talk. I was feeling jealous. I called friends and admitted I had f… ed up. I broke all my rules and now I was in deep s..t with this woman growing in my brain as a worm and I was out of control.

One week she did not leave me for a single minute although I urged her many times to go and have some time with her friends. Although my attraction was obvious I never said any love words to her and never made any promises. But I was crazy for her and have even done the unthinkable. I had unprotected sex with her a few times. Even my own life was getting unimportant. Finally in a moment of self preservation I decided to stop it all, realizing I was getting nuts and knowing very well where we were headed. Buy her out of the bar, pay a monthly allowance, promise not to see anyone else, romantic messages and e-mails, lots of "tirak" and " I miss you". All these thoughts I hated very much as I've been there a couple of times in the past and the results were not pretty. These images finally brought some sense to my turbulent mind. I asked her to stop for a few days as I wanted to rest for a while. I would go and see some friends and she could go back to her work. I would call her back when ready. She exploded in tears and cried loudly.

Wait I said, what do you think I am to you? OK I like you a lot but I am just a customer.

No, she said, you are my boyfriend!

Come on, how can I be your boyfriend? I pay you money every morning. Is this your idea of a boyfriend?!

(Actually I did pay very little and later found she was paying her barfine every day from the little money I was giving her). Oh well, I thought she was clever enough not to care for the small money. She's going for the jackpot. I drove her back to her place myself and promised to call her back. The first day the pain of separation was unbearable. I hadn't felt like that for many years. I was constantly thinking to go find her and never leave her again. I managed with difficulty to stay partially in control. In the next 3 days she bombarded me with messages and calls of love. She was constantly asking what I was doing and If I was happy with my new lady (who never even existed). She showed signs of extreme jealousy. I turned the phone off but that was worse. In one hour I found a hundred missed calls and I got a call within seconds of the phone being on the air again. She was drunk, expressing her love and at the same time threatening to kill me if she sees me with another woman. I never believe love statements from women of this profession, and as I am in my mid 40s I would laugh loudly at the ridiculous idea that I could provoke any romantic emotions to a woman in her mid 20s. Most probably she invested heavily in her mind in the idea of bail out through some "rich" farang and got upset when the dream shattered.

Or she's a terrific actress and I met quite a few of them already. But what if she really means it? Scenes from "Fatal Attraction" started to cross my mind. Am I in danger? As my trip is not over yet I would definitely like to see some other women.

I definitely do not want to see her again. Or not?

I changed hotel already. Hopefully I won't need to change city or leave the country altogether. I am seriously reviewing all my past actions.

In the unlikely chance of her telling me the truth I would be devastated that I have hurt her.

That was never my intention for the woman I love.

Yes, "I f.. ed up"