Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 288
Dana Update: Quotes, Notes, and Facts.
1. Yvonne from Isles Les Saintes, Caribbean: "Dana, if I have been turned down numerous times for membership in the Dana Fan Club does that mean I can no longer worship you?"
Me: "No, my vibes are available to all in every time, space, and dimension of the Universe. Someone had to wash the feet of Jesus. You can wash my feet. Feel the love. Feel the feet."
2. Rufus from Ibiza: "Dana, have you ever been a bullfighter? With your steel cable thighs, washboard stomach, rock hard rear, emerald green eyes, satin black hair, mahogany face, and huge veined hands the question just naturally occurred to me."
Me: "No, Rufus from Ibiza; I have never been a bullfighter. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Good question though."
3. Question received from many people all over the world: "Dana, if a post-op tranny is a colon, is a pre-op tranny a semi-colon?"
Me: "An interesting question that combines trannies and punctuation; two of my favorite subjects. Of course the answer is yes. A pre-op tranny is a semi-colon. Pretty obvious really but still a nice question. Honk if you love semi-colons."
4. The Special Acknowledgments division of the Nobel Prize for Literature is considering
" . . . my dog barks in Algonquin."
from Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 271 (Matters of Language and Language Learning) to one of the funniest lines in the Dana oeuvre. Join us at the awards ceremony to see if we win.
5. Sharice from Capetown:
"Dear Dana: I love to get naked, smear Noxzema creme all over my body, and let my cats lick it off. On the application for the Church of Dana there is a section called Hobbies and Interests. Do I put this Naked-Noxzema-Cat thing there?"
Me: "Yes, and a picture is optional. But remember Sharice, it is a church."
6. from model Ana Ivanovic (Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2010):
"I was surprised how tiring the poses were. That shot of me lying in the pool of tennis balls: I started to cramp up!"
And we marry these woman?
7. Marc Holt from Tanzanite, Australia writes:
"You're never going to come and visit me in Australia are you?"
Me: "You are on the list."
8. Marcus Clydefupt, Berlin: "Dana we all know that Fa hangs out on the South Pattaya boardwalk in the morning opposite the A. A. Hotel on Soi 13-0. Here is my question: can anyone talk to Fa?"
Me: "Look over your shoulder. Death is chasing you. Stay away from my Fa."
9. Barney Boogerhole, Glasgow: "Dana, are you the greatest living writer in the English language?"
Me: "Yes I am. Annie Proulx, as evidenced in her novel Postcards, is excellent; and England's T. C. Boyle amuses (see his Water Music); but I am number one."
However, that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is:
BEFORE THE BEGINNING
Ok, here's the thing. According to internationally accepted theories regarding how the universe started: the universe started with something called the Big Bang. In other words, everything we think of regarding today's universe; stars, planets, elements, matter, energy, gases, atoms, molecules, dark matter, dark energy, and the mystery of gravity are the children of a non-named non-understood singularity of infinitesimally small size that one day just blew up. Yup, just blew up. Hey, with all that gas the cosmic fart just had to come sooner or later. Know what I'm saying?
The disturbing thing about this childish, paleolithic brained nutter idea is that if you plot the ever increasing speed of inflation of the universe and then plot backwards, the theory is sort of confirmed (kinda). I call this math in service to 'nutterism'. Physicists, mathematicians, astronomers, and cosmologists call this the Big Bang theory.
Ok, I got your Big Bang theory right here Saturn breath: what was there before the Big Bang's point of singularity that held some unknown un-named combination of matter and energy that gave birth to the universe? The answer? The answer is always nothing. Nothing gave birth to something. This has to be the greatest trick in the history of . . . well, the universe.
I think I can help here. Nothing can not give birth to something; that idea would make a mockery of human evolution. We have traveled far from our first wet amphibious prints in the sands of human time and we now know from experience that nothing can not give birth to something. Ergo: something must have existed before the Big Fart, oh excuse me; the Big Bang. What was it?
I know. Yes, Stickmanites and Dana Fans: I, Dana, know what preceded the Big Bang. But I'm not tellin'. I don't have to tell so I'm not going to. So if you see me on the boardwalk in Pattaya some morning handing out breakfast treats to the girls, perhaps walking a little unsteadily, lips moving but not apparently talking to anyone, and staring off distractedly into the pale blue sky: well, I've got a lot on my mind. I know what there was before the point of singularity; but I'm not telling anyone. And yes, it does have something to do with the boardwalk. So the next time some jackass is putting down the boardwalk remind yourself of this: the boardwalk existed before the Beginning. Makes you think doesn't it?
12 more episodes to go.