9 Thai Inventions
I was thinking the other day about all the great stuff that was invented all over the world. And how each country had certain inventions that changed life for the better, for all of humanity. For instance, among Asian countries there seems to be quite
a list of important inventions. The Chinese invented paper, chopsticks and gun powder. The Japanese invented instant noodles, the compact disc, and video games. The Koreans invented the MP3 player, and rocket launchers.
I'm sure that the Thais have invented a lot of important stuff, but when I Googled the question, I couldn't find a specific Thai invention that really changed the world. I mean, they didn't invent the automobile, the airplane,
the light bulb, the telephone, the computer, the internet, or the Frisbee.
So I came up with a list of nine things that I think the Thais CAN invent. Things that would be beneficial to people living in Thailand. Who knows, this list of inventions might even benefit the world.
1. The first thing the Thais can invent is a tuktuk that can seat anyone taller than a pigmy. And it would be even better to invent a tuktuk that the passenger can actually see where the driver is taking him. I hate sitting in tuktuks that
turn me into Quasimodo, and I can't see a damn thing. Half the fun of traveling in an open air buggy is to feel the breeze on your face, and see the sights. To me, the only people who would benefit from traveling in a tuktuk now are blind
2. Thais can invent a pill that you take before your wife cooks with Thai hot sauce. As your house turns into a volcanic incubator, the pill instantaneously makes you smell cool jasmine flowers when you inhale. When my wife cooks, I have
to open all the windows in the house, and position a high intensity fan that points out the window towards the sea. I might as well use "Nair" on the inside of my nose. That's the woman's product that takes hair off your legs.
I've seen cargo ships make U turns in the ocean when my wife cooks. If Odysseus passed our house on his way home, he'd have to put wax in his nose, instead of in his ears.
3. Thais can invent a car wash for elephants. I love elephants, but the damn animal smells like shit.
4. Thais can invent a political system where each side has a Muay Thai boxer representing him. No more corrupt elections. No more coups. No more demonstrators closing down airports or taking over shopping centers. Two Thai boxers get in a
ring and kick the crap out of each other. The one standing at the end gets his party in power for 5 years. After that, another slugfest takes place. If one party always has the best fighter for a period of 20 years, the losing side gets to choose
a Thai bar girl who was jilted out of her short time fee, or a mamasan who was jilted out of a bar fine to fight for them, assuring that side of a victory.
5. Thais can invent a new jet ski made out of a titanium plastic alloy, that is guaranteed not to chip, scratch, or break. And a new renter's agreement, that says if the owner of the jet ski finds anything wrong at all when it is returned,
then the renter can tie a rope around said owner's neck and trail him behind the jet ski at no more than 40 knots per hour over a coral reef.
6. Thais can invent a driver's ed school where students who don't pass get electrocuted.
7. Thais can invent a toll booth on every highway leaving Bangkok, to benefit the police department. They can call it "Boys in Brown Benevolent Booth". or BBBB. 5 baht per car. The police will be billionaires in a couple months,
and that will end individual shake downs, and great guys like Stick can keep their cars. In fact, it might end police corruption altogether.
8. Thailand is known for having some of the best plastic surgeons in the world. They can turn your average guy into a stunningly beautiful woman in no time at all. So beautiful in fact that a lot of guys just can't tell if she's
a he, or he's a she. So the Thais need to invent some sort of radiation device that detects ladyboys coming out of a go go bar. Something like they have at the airport to detect bombs or weapons. You bar fine the most beautiful girl you've
ever laid eyes on, and when you go through the x-ray machine on the way out, and your she is a he, then a boom box on the machine breaks the sound barrier with "YMCA!!!!!!".
9. And a favorite of mine, because Songkran Festival is coming. And it seems that all Thais love to have a good time. They call it "Sanuk". I propose to have Thais invent "Bubble Wrap Toilet Paper". Thailand Tourism Authority's
new slogan "Land of Poop and Pop". And if you've just by chance had some Thai hot sauce, it might prevent your toilet from exploding. But I doubt it.
Nah, the Thais don't want to invent anything when they excel at copying most everything!