Readers' Submissions

Why Do We Seek an Asian Woman? – The Penny Drops!



March 16th, 2011:

Nobody could call me the smartest pebble on the beach – but I think a lot. My last few submissions have been mostly narrative – but let's get inside the head for a while and try to get to the root reason why I believe we have this drive to be with an Asian woman. Mostly, here I will reference it to Thai women in particular. Why do we do it? Since I can only get inside my own head, this will only be how I see things – and it may not interlock with how others see things. Of course all assessments will be based on personal spiritual beliefs, philosophies etc.

As stated in an earlier submission, I am a “casualty” of three failed marriages, although I don't regard myself as a “victim”. I walked away from the first two marriages with the feeling that the root cause could probably be sheeted home to me, since I was the common factor in both of them – logic suggested that. Of course, it is true that I was a common factor but is it really an accurate appraisal of why the wheels fell off the carts? Did something really go wrong – or is there some underlying, unidentified issue that was not factored in? To arrive at this point in my questions I needed to be brutally honest with myself – no lame excuses or justification.

I want to start with my last marriage – my time with Natalise, the Thai woman whom I still love – the most stressful of all the marriages, in some respects, yet the most fulfilling of all, in others. In many ways, although we are divorced and are not physically involved, it sometimes feels like we are still married. I believe we should grow with each marriage – because of the experiences that flow from them. The hope, the joy, the sorrow and the whole gamut of emotions that flow from these states should mould us into a better person. The way I see it is that each marriage or relationship builds and prepares each of us for the next marriage or relationship. If Nat and I had met 15 years prior, we would never have even got together – we wouldn't have liked each other – and maybe that would have been better for her, maybe not – I don't know. All I do know is, that without the experiences from the previous two marriages, I would have been totally unfit or ready to even try to undertake and survive a marriage with an Asian woman. The life skills or the knowledge would not have been there to enable that to happen. It is almost as if there is an inbuilt “fail-safe” there to prevent pre-empting something for which you are not ready but will happen regardless, at the right point in time. This statement is crucial to this hypothesis.

Seeing the horrors unfolding in Japan at this present time is causing me strong grief – it is as if this is happening to me and to my homeland – but I have never been to Japan in this life. What is even stranger is the fact that I have held strong empathy and a sense of wanting to rise to defend the Japanese long before this present catastrophe. When I was a child, very young, my family would talk about the war and the alleged “atrocities” that were committed on “our boys” by Japanese forces in the S.E. Asian and Pacific theatres. But I didn't want to hear those stories – didn't believe them – closed my ears to this. Even now, I always defend the Japanese people in conversation where they are criticised by others. So, why is it that I never went to Japan or married a Japanese girl? I'm not sure. The closest I came was to have a Japanese girlfriend for a short time.

From the analysis that I have done, based on my beliefs, it seems to me that there has been a predefined time-frame allowed for each marriage in our lifespan – and within that time-frame we are required to accomplish whatever it is that is required of us. I believe this is part of a sub-genetic encoding in all of us. This does not necessarily involve a life of bliss together – merely to stay together long enough to learn that which is necessary for each of the partners to be able to move on to the next stage of growth and to facilitate the completion of some task. My first marriage to an Australian girl lasted 15 years and we have two children – a son and a daughter. The second marriage was to a lady from Dundee, Scotland – a very capable health professional who had worked for most of her life in major hospitals in London. That marriage also lasted 15 years. What I find curious and the question I ask is “why 15 years in both cases?” In both of my first two marriages there had always been this attraction to Asian women – although I repressed it out of my commitment and duty to my wife in each marriage. So my reasons for choosing an Asian woman to marry the third time were not based upon bad experiences with Western women. The reality is that I was reasonably happy in both those marriages and, in general, I believe there are many beautiful and desirable Western women with whom I could be happy. It just so happens that I have always preferred Asian women. Guess I've been hard-wired that way.

Natalise and I fought virtually from the first day we were together – not physical, just disagreements – it was mostly a stormy relationship in which it seemed that she was the teacher and I was the student. Nat was often quite moody and capable of extremely angry outbursts in times where we did not agree on certain matters. Throughout it all, I retained the attitude that I was her support and protector and would always stand by her and stand up for her against all others. I still maintain that attitude, even today. To me, the teacher/student relationship was no problem because I accepted that there were so many things I needed to learn about Thailand in general, and Asian women in particular. There was never any anger from me about this arrangement. Of course there was frustration in accommodating some of what I saw as strange ideas she held – and the inflexible resistance to change and acceptance of advice or criticism. Boy, did I have a lot to learn – the things I was attempting to change just cannot be changed and should not be attempted. Acceptance was the first lesson I had to learn. There is this fine line between protection and control – and I needed to learn where that line lay – but I sometimes got it wrong.

What I'm trying to do here is to clarify what seems to me to be the underlying scheme of things that appears to have been laid out for us to follow. Of course, at that time, I was not even aware that there was a scheme laid out – neither would Nat have been aware. I really do believe that this predetermined scheme exists as a pattern within every person for what each of us is required to accomplish – sometimes in a short space of time and sometimes over the entire lifespan. I said earlier that this pattern may be part of our DNA encoding but it is probably not detectable by any known scientific means. I suspect this goes even deeper than that, where matter and energy are broken down into their component parts – beyond DNA and sitting on the level where the very soul resides – implanted into each of us at the time of conception. It could be that the evidence for this may be forthcoming from within the Giant Hadron Collider at CERN (Organisation Européenne pour la Recherche Nucléaire) in Switzerland, where we are exploring the sub-categories composing matter and energy. It seems that it is not binding for us to follow that pattern of which I write – and we may choose to go in some completely different direction – but I now believe, if that is our choice, then we are locking ourselves into another round of Samsara and merely ensuring that we will be faced with the same task and the same lesson once again.

When Natalise and I met, I had already been to Thailand previously with Thai Tina and knew several Thai girls in Australia as well so I was not a raw arrival who was green around the gills. I knew certain things about Thailand and Thai women as I had done research on the culture and history of Thailand and Vietnam – but meeting Natalise was like going to University in the education stakes. The funny thing was that I have no idea why I chose to come to Krungthep on that Saturday just before I met Nat – after all, I had stooged around my home town for a month before deciding on a departure date, out of the blue. Also, unbeknown to me (we hadn't even met), Nat had gone up to Surin to have a week with her children – but, on the Saturday when I arrived in Krungthep, she had felt this need to cut short her stay and return to Krungthep quickly. She jumped on a bus that Saturday evening and arrived in Krungthep in the early hours of Sunday morning – but she couldn't understand why she had returned early. We met that Sunday.

Nat was up front about her children and her ex-husband and I was always open to her in my desire to marry with a Thai woman. I have two adult children from my first marriage and am not what I would call model-parent material – never had that much interest in children and always seemed to be working, travelling and playing guitar with some band – yet I never hesitated at entering into a relationship and marriage with Nat – and would do it again if placed in the same circumstances. I didn't see it at the time – but I can now – that this whole scenario was prefaced around giving Nat's two children a chance at a better life than they would otherwise have had. Since they are both girls, my primary concern was to get them educated and remove them from any chance that they would end up in the bar scene in Thailand. That, having been accomplished and all of them now being Australian Citizens, has allowed both Nat and I to accept the end of the marriage as completion of the task required of us. But the end of the marriage does not mean the end of love for each other – that remains. We are very good friends and would do anything for each other.

So, what is the next step in the cycle? It's hard to say. However, one thing I have learned is to remember and listen, in an objective way, to what has passed before. Maybe there are no further tasks required of me in this life – in which case, perhaps, I should plan no further.

Like I said at the start, this appraisal is only how I see things for me – there may be others with similar experiences and beliefs who feel the same as I do – maybe not. Remember that I am looking at this subject from a base in Buddhist philosophy and a little esoteric psychology. I try to understand the motives and goals of the thousands of Farang men who visit LOS each year – some of whom come for a good-time holiday, some of whom come for the culture experience, some of whom come looking for a lasting love (and of course, some who just come to escape any number of circumstances) – and I ask myself how many understand the forces at work inside themselves, leading them in certain directions. The ones I feel for most are those who fall in love with a bar girl and do not know how to handle the relationship. I talk of the hidden forces at work of which we are mostly unaware unless attuned to them. Even so, having experienced those forces and being acutely aware of them from my last marriage and from the arcane studies I had done years earlier during my second marriage, I am still vulnerable to the same feelings and experiences of the Farang in love with a bar girl. Knowledge alone does not protect you.

My personal feelings toward bar girls may not mesh with those of some Farangs who feel they have been “burned” from one of these liaisons – particularly the hardened mongers. These girls have my respect at all times, without question, and I do not agree with those who look upon them as less than first-class women – to me they are normal people, just struggling to live life the best way they know how. I hear stories of how they often see Farangs as no more than buffalo (and some Farangs probably deserve that description) – or as walking ATM's. Well, I will admit that I have fuelled that reputation in the past by being stupid and allowing that to happen. Let's get over it – it's only filthy money when it's all said and done and quite inconsequential in the grand plan. The things that really matter are feelings and a desire to treat others well and with respect. Money is a token commodity that has never commanded my respect and never shall.

The next time we are in a bar, perhaps we should ask ourselves why we are really there, in all honesty. Is it just to get our rocks off or are we looking for something more? There's no need to go into the well-covered points in submissions already posted by others pertaining to the “dangers” (?) involved there. If raw sex is all you want then a bar is a fine place to be and there will always be a lovely little flower who can make you feel like a King for a short or a long time. However, I would like to point out that it is wrong to assume that, just because a lady is working in a bar, she is lower in class to a lady who works in a bank or in a highly-paid, salaried position with a large company. Value judgements are quite often erroneous. There are some ladies in well-paid, high-profile jobs and there are University graduates, both of whom also work as upper-end escorts who charge upwards of 12,000 baht for a brief dalliance – so there are no hard-and-fast rules.

But, as I wrote in a previous submission, if you want to cut down the failure rate in the relationship stakes and you are seeking lasting love, you run more chance of success if you choose to look for a “mainstream” lady – the maths point to that. The many other posts by other contributors support this view.

In Chiang Mai when I met Wan, I was not immune to falling into the same trap as others – I was not looking for a lasting (or any) relationship when I went to Chiang Mai that first time and was not even looking for sex. It just happened (or was it destined to?) because I forgot the basic rules that I learned from so long ago and got carried away in the moment of emotional vulnerability, putting myself on the red side of the ledger (see paragraph 1 – Consider wisely – regrets may follow Part 1). What we are dealing with here is not a game – we are dicing with human emotions and energy on a cosmic scale that may have repercussions for the rest of our lives and the lives of others who are innocent. We must know what it is that we want and think through how these actions will affect others – quite often those that we love the most. Now, having had a considerable span of time to reflect on everything that happened in Chiang Mai with Wan, I believe that what I failed to realise was that perhaps the reason Wan and I came together at that time was tied to this force called Samsara and we were given the chance to play out the pattern we failed to follow in a previous time – then, once again having been offered the chance, we failed yet again with the inexorable consequence of needing to face that same lesson again at another time and another place in the future (not necessarily in this life). Do I believe in soul-mates? I'm not sure – but I do suspect that the drive that forces us to need that physical union with a woman is tied to a desire for complete spiritual unification (at-one-ment) rather than just pleasurable sex or procreation. That one aspect, which is the wish to unite and “belong”, is only one expression in an equation far more complex than we could hope to understand at this time, in this place.