Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 260

  • Written by Dana
  • October 16th, 2010
  • 7 min read



ON TRANSLATIONS

Greetings Dana Fans and all the monger ships at sea:

I currently have four books in print and available for purchase. The titles are Snakeskulls and Silver Suited Teddy Bears, Fa Chronicles, Boardwalk Follies, and Mai Bagwan–Jai Dee.

Just to repeat:

1. Snakeskulls and Silver Suited Teddy Bears
2. Fa Chronicles
3. Boardwalk Follies
4. Mai Bagwan–Jai Dee

All are distributed by the Sons and Daughters of Beezlebub Publishing Co., an imprint (publisher industry talk) of Bend Over Writer Enterprises (BOWE); located in beautiful and literate Swampmuck, Florida.

These four titles (publisher industry talk–they sell titles and people buy books) are being distributed (more publishing talk–they mean sold)
in:

Canada
United States
Virgin Islands
Guam
All U.S. and United Kingdom military base PX's–the Queen of England ordered Boardwalk Follies.
England
Scotland
Bahamas
Ireland
Wales
Iceland
Singapore
Thailand
Bermuda
India
Costa Rica
South Africa
Australia
New Zealand
Tasmania (Sir–your taxidermist is here for the dead platypus)
Philippines
U.S. overseas possessions, protectorates, and territories
Barbados
Antigua
Puerto Rico
Falkland Islands
McMurdo Sound, Antarctica and Nana Plaza research bases
Kenya
Seychelles
Bali
Israel
Fiji
Tonga
Cayman Islands

. . . and various coralic bits and pieces in the Polynesian, Micronesian, and Melanesian wastelands of leprosy, elephantiasis, and broken dreams.

Looks like a big list doesn't it? Actually, it's not spit. Not counting the Vatican, there are approximately 188 countries. So, how come the Sons and Daughters of Beezlebub Publishing Co. is not selling (oh excuse me, distributing) my books in all the other countries? Standards.

That's right–I've got standards. I do not want my books sold in countries where a translation would be necessary. I only speak English so there would be no way for me to verify the accuracy of the translations. So my four books are only offered where the potential readers speak and read some kind of English and Englishese (New Zealand).

Oh, I know. I know. Believe me when I tell you–I know. I know how much money I am losing by not accessing the West Greenland Danish Eskimo market, and the Upper Amazonian Yana Indian book readers, and the Yammerschoonerites of the channels of Tierra Del Fuego, and the Muslim Malaysian terrorists of South Thailand; but I am adamantine on this subject: no translations. I am all about standards.

Except for one exception. To wit: due to my unique hipness, my United States urban black ghetto friends do not refer to my as Whitey but as a light-skinned black (LSB).

"Hey yo, LSB; what you be doin' man?"

Like that. Except, of course, that none of us super shaft black hipsters use punctuation. Anyway, I can moon dance between the toilet and the shower with my whippy dick and make my tub whale black mammy from Alabamy laugh with joy. I can do, think, write, speak, and read United States urban Blackese. Basically (and understandably) I spit on white people. Take your average white person and what have you got: someone who knows how to walk, and talk, and dress, and show up on time for appointments, and take a telephone message, and plan ahead, and think of others. Scum. And really, candidly; what have white people done for the world? Sure there is germ theory, and pain killing drugs, and nose hair clippers, and surgical techniques, and pornography, and electricity, and laws of physics, and planes that can fly to Bangkok, and the printing press, and non-stick pans and stuff: but my people figured out how to make peanuts into peanut butter. Like I said, I'm a light skinned black. Lesson learned? White people vs. Black people. Sure, a three hundred foot tall acetylene torch headed for the white peoples' moon makes the ground shake and the tourists gape–but it ain't no peanut butter sandwich bro.

So . . . I am open to translations of my four books Snakeskulls and Silver Suited Teddy Bears, Fa Chronicles, Boardwalk Follies, and Mai Bagwan–Jai Dee into the spearchuker muse (aka Eubonics). Naturally, I would do the translations myself. And of course the litmus test for translating is how sensitive you are to the culture. There are of course, in all languages, often many ways to say something. The best translations are keyed to the best interpretations of verbal and cultural context. First comes interpretation and sensitivity, next comes accurate translation. Below is an example of sensitive interpretation of the Buddha myth using urban United States Blackese:

"According to traditional folklore, Buddha once entered into a long period of meditation (he was sleeping, man) to discover the Truths of Life (the truth is he was going to be late for his motherfxxxing job man). During his arduous ordeal (more sleeping, man), he was subjected to a series of temptations (now he's dreaming dude) by an evil goddess named Mara (she be the mamasan, man) and her company of sensual dancing ladies (bargirls, dude). Buddha refused to submit to the onslaught of hedonistic temptations (he knew he was too drunk to get it up) and continued his meditations (bargirl groping). His trials and tribulations (who be complaining, man) were closely watched by an earth goddess known as Torani (bitch known in the Hood as ex-girlfriend), who was so impressed with his moral fortitude (white people talkin' now–got no idea) that she decided to honor his courageous acts (I hope this includes a BJ). Torani aided the Buddha by wringing out her long hair (what happened to the BJ, man) which unleashed a tidal wave (no idea) that destroyed Mara and her wicked cohorts (bitch ex-girlfriend wipes out perfectly good bar, mamasan, and bargirls). This extremely popular legend is retold endlessly (Thais have short memories) in murals and statues (bars too–who you be kiddin', man) throughout Thailand."

Like I said–Standards.

So, go on consumer alert for my four books titled Snakeskulls and Silver Suited Teddy Bears, Fa Chronicles, Boardwalk Follies, and Mai Bagwan–Jai Dee: and oh, sweet Jesus on a cracker, I almost forgot; right now myself and my people at Dana Enterprises are reviewing galley proofs for a fifth book titled Trannies. It is not out yet, but soon it will also be gracing the shelves of bookstores (oh excuse me, distribution points) worldwide. Trannies will be a book all about trannies. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry. An entertainment and infotainment book that will tell you things you did not know.

For instance, do you know what trannies' favorite colors are? It's in the book. How was this information gathered? Tranny underpants. It is a scientific fact that women always wear underpants in their favorite color. I did this research myself. People assume because Dana Enterprises is now a worldwide juggernaut that I am no longer on the front lines. Not true. When there is tranny underpant research to be done don't block the door. You knew that. My life is all about journalistic integrity. If I say that that trannies' favorite colors are Japanese flower blossom yellow, and bus undercarriage luggage bin grey–you can bank on it. You knew that.

Do you know what boy and girl names trannies would name their children if they could have children? It's all in the book Trannies. How was this information gathered? Cell phone nicknames. The Sons and Daughters of Beezlebub Publishing Co. of Swampmuck, Florida refused to accept the book Trannies. They said the content did not match their corporate vision statement. Apparently, sharing love and respecting people is not a big thing in Swampmuck. They are currently getting ready for the Hamburg, Germany book publisher's convention where they are going to feature their next coffee table sized book titled: The History of South Florida Strip Mall Lapdancers 1989-2009, but my next book Trannies was too challenging. Go figure. Anyway, I managed to find the We'll Do Anything For Money Publishing Co., an imprint of Murder Inc. in Bayonne, New Jersey and they are going to publish my book titled Trannies. One door closes and another door opens.

So that's it for now Dana Fans and all the monger ships at sea: books, and standards, and interesting bits on the subject of translating. Keep an eye out for my books Snakeskulls and Silver Suited Teddy Bears, Fa Chronicles, Boardwalk Follies, and Mai Bagwan–Jai Dee in English or translated into Blackese. And never forget:

Who Translates You Baby?
Dana Does

Stickman's thoughts:

Dana and a tranny? What a thought.