Fun With a “Guy” in Chiang Mai

I'm sure that the title has given you enough morbid curiosity to read the rest of the story. No, this is not a tale of my homosexual exploits in Thailand. "Guy" is in fact very much a female, and not the surgically concocted variety.

I had finished work for the night, and as usual went looking for a game of pool before heading home. I didn't get my game of pool, but I ended up having an interesting conversation with a German tourist who was new in town. The bar was closing, and he expressed an interest in getting something to eat. I was a bit hungry myself, and offered to show him where the late night food stands were down the street. We stopped at my usual 25 baht stand and had some soup. Before long, he started asking me where the "late night" clubs were, and I again offered my local expertise. He asked me to show him where the closest place was, and we took a walk to the dance club that is usually open till 4 AM or later. Any trip to that side of town at that hour is usually fraught with disaster, but I thought I would tag along and make sure my new friend stayed out of trouble.

We entered the club and started having a look around. The music was deafening as always, and the place was packed with drunken farangs and bar girls who had recently gotten off work. This place is known as "freelance hell" by some of the local expats. The girls are all off work from the bars and looking for one last job. The mamasans and "pimps" are always close by keeping an eye on their investments, but there are always a few true freelancers hanging about.

My new friend and I took up residence in a fairly vacant corner of the club, and just started watching the chaos. It wasn't long before I noticed a couple of ladies dancing near our table. One of them caught me looking, and I gave her a quick smile and nod of acknowledgement. I thought it would end there, but it didn't. She came right over and asked me to dance. She already had a drink in hand, so I figured "what the heck". We danced for a while, and then I motioned that I wanted to go out for some air. She followed me and that was where I learned her name.

"Guy" is in her mid thirties, maybe 80 lbs soaking wet, and all of about 4 feet tall. What she lacked in "classic" good looks, she made up for with an infectious smile and an overall exuberance. I tried talking to her in Thai, but she kept shaking her head saying "Thai nit noi". This peaked my curiosity. Her English was not very good and her Thai was even worse! I still do not know exactly what dialect she was speaking, but my guess is one of the nearby northern hill tribe dialects or possibly Burmese. I'm no expert, but I'm leaning towards Burmese due to her appearance and mannerisms. I also have met quite a few Burmese people in and around the same club.

We had some more dancing, and I managed to get my new German friend in on the action and dancing with her friend. After an hour or so, the four of us decided to leave together and move down the road. "Guy" mentioned that her apartment was close by and that we could just get some drinks from the 7/11 and go back there to save money. My "danger" radar was going off a little at this point, but I figured that there was enough of a safety net with not being alone and still close to home.

The house party was on, and we all went back to her place. There was some laughing and joking, and before long my German friend disappeared with "Guy's" friend to the apartment next door. I made my usual disclaimer / reminder to "Guy" that I don't have any money left and that maybe I should go home. She already knew that I just work here and lead a pretty simple life from our earlier limited conversations. "Guy" was not about to have it and suggested that I take a shower and relax. As always, I weighed my options and then agreed. I was admittedly getting a bit "ripe" as the weather has been quite warm recently. Little did I know that I was going to be in for a "full service" shower. She scrubbed me from my toes to the top of my head, and then treated me to a full body massage followed by a "roll in the hay". As always in this kind of situation I try to be as physically giving and considerate in return as possible, and was rewarded with many a "thank you". Not once did she ever mention money, but she did ask me to massage her lower back where she expressed some pain. Something to do with a motorbike accident, but nothing that looked recent by any means.

We both crashed out for a few hours before getting awakened by her friend at the door. It seems that her friend had tried to hit up my new German friend for 1000 baht "short time" but he had walked out prior to closing the deal. "Guy" just laughed at her and sent her away before giving me a full repeat performance of the night before. She seemed to thoroughly enjoy the whole thing, and after two full service showers I'm about as squeaky clean as I can be. She sent me packing by mid afternoon, and I actually had to ask for her phone number on the way out. She told me that she would be back at the same club in a couple of nights and sent me off to work with a big hug, a peck on the cheek and a smile.

Will I see here again? Maybe, and maybe not. I try not to press my luck, but this one might be worth a second try. All in all, I'm still a pretty lucky SOB. I did the math in my head today on what a "customer" would have shelled out for that same 16 hours of fun and companionship. I must admit that being flat broke most of the time living in Thailand is far from an ideal situation, but every dog has his day.

So, there you have it. Another thing I can cross off my list.

Get a freebie from a freelancer while the tourist next door gets nothing and goes home empty handed…..CHECK!!! This one gives me a serious grin.