Readers' Submissions

Brokenman And The Search For A Totally Inappropriate Girlfriend

  • Written by Phet
  • May 21st, 2007
  • 26 min read


China Hotel Guide
• Holiday Inn Vista
• JC Mandarin Hotel Shanghai
• Jing An Hotel
• Portman Ritz-Carlton Shanghai Hotel

There are some wonderfully gifted writers who contribute to the readers' submissions and the individual motivation for writing must be as diverse as the number of writers who contribute.

I know I submit my own modest scribblings for a variety of motives.

My “Brokenman is repaired” series are simply field reports of my observations and experiences during my biannual despunking trips to the kingdom. They are essentially detailed sex reports without the details of the sex being too detailed. I have joked that I write these stories so that when I eventually meet my maker the executors of my estate, by reading them, will get some inkling of where all my money went. But my real motive is far more self- indulgent in that the process of submitting my exploits to paper extends the pleasure and memory of my trip for a further month or so.

From subsequent correspondence it would appear that although my tongue in cheek humour is not always fully appreciated, my self deprecating honesty is well received more often than not.

In an attempt to further satisfy my craving for the pleasures of the pen, I have occasionally written short fiction; but probably the least said about these the better.

In between my Brokenman missives I write long meandering essays, which are fundamentally misogynist rants about the excesses of western women. I do recognise I am a modern day Don Quixote tilting against the windmills of feminism. It is like pissing oneself in a dark suit where you get a warm feeling but no one notices and nobody cares.

From perusing the excellent Shoochers forum I gather it is at this point in my ramblings that a certain eminent contributor gets bored and quite sensibly quits reading. So it is only fair to warn my other reader to prepare a flask of coffee and a packed lunch before continuing as this essay falls firmly into the category of long, pointless and meandering.

Whenever I hear of an acquaintance that has got divorced or his wife has left him, I am in the habit of sending them one of my misogynist submissions, usually Obsessions, Snow White or the Emperor’s new clothes. I do this in an attempt to help them rationalise the anguish they feel. I also hope they can avoid the trauma of internet dating, clubbing, pubs and personal ads in the pursuit of English women. My intention is they should learn from the mistakes I made until I discovered the pleasures of Thailand. My advice is generally well received, in fact a couple of chaps have suggested that even though my essays are crap they should be prescribed as compulsory reading for divorced men and issued to them as they leave the divorce courts. But as not one of the six guys I have given this counselling to have subsequently been to Thailand, I feel I am probably casting pearls amongst the gaderene swine.

What is an appropriate companion for a 50 something man from a professional or managerial background?

When you are first divorced the initial urge is to replace the lost wife with an enhanced version of her (hopefully one who will give you sex more often). You are programmed by the expectations of western society and middle class culture. You want a nice woman aged 45 – 48 who looks acceptable and dresses well. With a reasonable education she follows world events and can hold her own in intellectual discussion. She has integrity, is not extravagant and wasteful. You want her to have social skills, be able to use a knife and fork and drink without losing control. She should share your values and aspirations and can fit in with your social circles. Hopefully she can also contribute a few quid to living expenses.

The first shock you receive is these women do not exist. More accurately they are not available to you. They are living in a three bedroom semi with the money they got in the divorce settlement from their previous husband. They no longer want the unpleasantness and inconvenience of a relationship with a man. If they do, they are actually seeking a man 10 years younger than themselves. The second shock is that at 50 the only western women you can interest are 60 year olds who are looking for a man 10 years younger than themselves.

I have written ad nauseum in previous essays about the unrealistic aspirations and expectations of western women but there is a further dimension to western women I find disconcerting. I was in the casino in my home town a few months ago. Now this may sound impressive but the casino acts as a sort of working men’s club for my circle of degenerate friends who like to ogle the Polish girls who work there. However, I will declare that my winnings on the roulette table paid for my last flight to Bangkok.

I was sitting in the bar area drinking with a pal when we espy two quite attractive, if slightly overblown middle aged white women standing at the bar. My pal brings to my attention that these two women are looking over at us “What do you think they want?” he enquires of me. I quickly reply “The one on the left has a big garden that she wants digging over and the one on the right wants her bathroom redecorating”. Despite being admonished for my cynicism, I call them over to join us and after only a desultory conversation my observation is confirmed.

I have previously referred to this as the “power drill syndrome” after an experience with a divorced woman some years ago. I had hardly withdrawn my member from her before she asked me if I had a power drill. It would appear that through the carnal proceedings (all three and a half minutes of it) she was thinking of the jobs around her house that needed doing! I am sure it was not a reflection on my performance.

I never fail to be amused by post menopausal western women, who still perceive their fanny is lined with precious metals; when in fact they could not give it away (and would need to pay someone from the council to cart it away). Yet they retain the misconception that their moth eaten old orifice is still of such value that a sane man would invest hours of back breaking hard labour decorating bathrooms or digging over gardens in pursuit of it.

Or am I just lazy? (That’s merely rhetorical please do not reply)

For some time now, I have written off, or to be more accurate, appear to have been written off by, English women. Having experienced the alternative that exists 5000 mile away in the Kingdom of Thailand I find myself in somewhat of a predicament. For two weeks every six months I am not perceived as a worthless old tosser. For two weeks every six months I am alive, I see that feminine women do exist and surprisingly they are not revolted by my existence. For two weeks every six months, whilst I predominantly cavort with bar girls, I also occasionally entertain educated intelligent Thai women who appear charmed and mildly amused by my company particularly if I am paying for dinner.

Unfortunately it is only for two weeks every six months, what do I do with the remaining 330 days? Alas I have already opened Pandora’s Box and can not replace the lid. After having tasted the childish vitality and pleasure of Thai girls half my age and half my weight, the dubious delights of blowing the cobwebs off a lard arsed 60 year old white woman holds no attraction. Having also spent time with charming graceful and educated Thai ladies two thirds my age I can not envisage dancing attendance on some sour faced uncouth product of our failed education system.

After years of being a beast of burden to an ungrateful but socially acceptable English woman, I now find myself desiring of a companion who wants to please me. Who gives love because she is feminine and wishes to be loved in return. Who will return a smile and accept my minor flaws. Who is happy I will take care of her. Who will let loose a “whoooo” when something amuses her. Who will cause a raising of eyebrows from the embittered wife’s of colleagues and evoke disapproving comments from my aged female relatives. I want a woman from another race from mine, from a totally alien culture and value system, who is considerably younger with soft dark satin skin.

In short, I want a totally inappropriate girlfriend.

I commend it to the house that Thai women are probably the most inappropriate girlfriends a western man can envisage other than a Kalahari bush lady or a Tibetan Yak drover. If we are to believe the information distilled from thousands of submissions Thai girls are only interested in the current transaction, they care nothing for the past or future and they have the attention span of a goldfish. The family thing, the cultural thing and the face thing are almost insurmountable barriers to a rational relationship. They have an inability to tell the truth and fail to understand the concept. Their irrational mood swings and tendency to violent overreaction can come as quite a shock. They are likely to leave you if a better offer comes along.

But other than this aren’t Thai girls wonderful!

It will come as no surprise that I am getting quite a reputation as an embittered old tosspot. But in addition to countless rebuffs from English women in the past 4 years I have also dated and been rejected by Iranian, Jamaican, Indian, Hong Kong Chinese, Polish, Vietnamese and African women. I hit my most painful low when I was recently discarded by a 40 year old Thai woman living in the East Midlands. The common denominator is they had all been thoroughly westernised and adopted the dubious values of their western sisters. Unfortunately this process of westernisation can take less than a year to occur.

My pal Union Hill suggests my inborn morose Black Country nature paints a picture far darker than it actually is. He is very perceptive and I will admit that it is only being miserable that keeps me going. Living in West Bromwich and following the Albion for 40 years inevitably leads to a natural pessimism and a morbid melancholy. I am probably the architect of my own misfortune as even my own brother has pointed out. He has observed that whenever an English woman is in our company my eyes glaze over and my whole demeanour reveals my lack of interest. My body language screams “go away you ill informed opinionated bitch”. Whereas if an Asian, Oriental or Black woman appears I become charm personified. He finds it predictable and amusing but the ironic thing is he considers I am wasting my time. His contention is I have less chance with them than the English women I deplore.

Before I develop this theme I should explain my home town (where the wenches call you Bab) boasts almost every nationality but unfortunately there is no discernable Thai community. The Asians I see are mainly from the Indian sub continent. So other than a handful of Orientals (mostly Hong Kong Chinese and a few Vietnamese) all the Asian women I have contact with are of Indian descent. What has become apparent is that most of the Indian girls are third generation immigrants and totally westernised. They are so totally westernised they do not want Englishmen. Their obvious preference to stay within their own culture is understandable and as many young Indian guys now own significant businesses there is no economic imperative for them to go with Englishmen.

In exploring the economic imperative I remind you of human psychology 101 with Abraham Maslow’s Theory of Human Motivation and his concept of the hierarchy of needs. It is depicted as a Pyramid with primitive needs at the base. The basic concept is that the higher needs in this hierarchy only come into focus once all the needs that are lower down in the pyramid are satisfied.

At the base of this pyramid are the physiological needs (breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, excretion of bodily waste etc).

I am starving I need to eat NOW.

On the next level up is the need for safety and security (security of body, employment, resources, family, health, property, love, belonging, friendship, intimacy etc).

I will need to eat tomorrow.

At level 3 is the need for esteem (self esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others etc)

Is this restaurant fashionable to be seen in?

At the top of the pyramid is self actualisation (morality, creativity, spontaneity, quest for knowledge, aesthetic appreciation, err that’s it).

I only eat organic GM free food from fair trade purveyors.

Somewhat paraphrasing, if you are thirsty all you care about is a drink, if you are bursting for a dump you are not interested in the beauty of the Sistine chapel. The lower level needs must be fully satisfied before moving up the hierarchy.

In the context of the search for an inappropriate girlfriend we are all aware that many poor women in the third world exist with starvation and physical violence still a daily occurrence. Even in developing countries like Thailand there is grinding poverty particularly in rural areas. The opportunity presented by a western guy for them to escape is obvious. The misperception of western affluence can influence even intelligent girls in developing countries. The security, belonging and esteem needs of an educated Asian girl may see a western guy as an opportunity to improve her lot in life.

The economic imperative seems particularly relevant and pertinent with Thai girls.

In the west the prevailing social environment has freed women from the fear of financial security so the hierarchy of needs model now appears totally inapplicable. The perception of western women that they are entitled to have everything they desire negates normal rules and their demands even exceed esteem and self actualisation. Western culture and literature encourages women to expect the knight in shining armour and if they don’t get him and have to compromise with a less than perfect specimen they detest him for it. We mere mortals are accused by these self same harridans of using our economic muscle to attract poor girls in developing countries. My usual answer is, too bloody right; the economic imperative is the only thing I have left in my favour.

There is a Hierarchy of unavailability to a 50 year old English guy sitting in a midlands town in the UK. At the highest level of unavailability are English women aged 18-30 who are not fat. Their sexual organs are lined with gold and they are the sole province of premiership footballers and TV personalities. At the next level are English women aged 18-30 who are fat and 30-50 year olds who are not too fat. These still perceive they are in the province of premiership footballers and likely to be disappointed women if they have to settle for you. At the third level are English women aged 30-50 who are fat, these have already become disappointed women with opinions. They gratuitously use the word disgusting for any thing at variance with those opinions.

At the next echelon of availability are white immigrants from poorer Eastern European countries, but they are only attainable within 6 months of entering the UK. After that their orifices develop the ubiquitous gold lining. The process appears to take a little longer with darker skinned immigrants but within 12 months they can also emulate the full disdain of a native born female.

The final level is women aged 50-70 who are available once you have jumped through the hoops of their delusion and acquiesced to the power drill syndrome, but who really cares.

To guys who have caught the Siamese sickness, for which only Thai girls can assuage there is an obvious Hierarchy of accessibility that relates to convenience and distance. The most convenient are Thai women living within 20 miles of one's home (unfortunately for me they appear as rare as rocking horse droppings). Next are Thai girls living anywhere in the UK within driving distance. Once you have made the flight to Bangkok, Thai girls living in Bangkok are the most convenient, next are Thai girls living in Pattaya which is a short trip from Bangkok. The 8 hour road journey makes girls living in the north east of the kingdom the least accessible but possibly the sweetest prize. The unspoilt girls of the Isaan are probably the most wonderful, feminine and resourceful creatures on the planet

Being 5000 miles away from the objects of my desire the principle conduit for communicating with them is the Internet. It has been unkindly suggested that I only have two buttons on my computer, one is for porn (for which I have a left handed mouse) and the other is for Thai girls (via MSN and TLL).

Following two years of fruitless futile and frustrating experiences on English internet dating sites my initial encounters with Thai girls on the Internet were encouraging. Within a week of posting my profile on a leading Thai dating site I received 23 hits! I once subscribed to three UK dating sites and it took me 18 months to get 8 replies. This euphoria soon evaporated and I quickly become conscious that Bangkok based Thai girls below 30 have similar attitudes to western youngsters. They are equally as shallow, vacuous and bitchy as their western sisters, they know they are in demand and feel their djims are lined with gold.

It is one of the mysteries of life and a sad product of Globalisation (MacDonaldisation) that when females from a developing country come into contact with western “culture” it is always the more dubious values of instant gratification they adopt. They will wholeheartedly embrace the superficial trappings like fast food and the ubiquitous mobile phones but totally ignore the more admirable qualities of western culture such as morality, ethics, a thirst for knowledge, literature and the concepts of honesty and integrity.

A Siamese sojourn interrupted my internet research but upon my return to Blighty I switched strategy and focused on Thai girls living in the UK. Although I have made a couple of delightful (but unfortunately platonic) friends it has been largely unproductive. Of 15 UK based Thai girls contacted I received only 4 replies which is a poor success rate almost comparable with my disastrous experience with English women on the UK sites. Thai girls who have lived in England for more than 6 months very quickly know they are a very desirable commodity. They invariably have had an English partner previously and fully appreciate their geographic location puts them in great demand.

A subsequent change in tactics saw me again contacting Thailand based girls but this time focusing on girls above 30 years of age with a modicum of education. This has been marginally more successful. After six months I had developed contact with a regular group of respectable career girls which included nurses, hotel receptionists, office girls, teachers, bank clerks, social workers and owners of small businesses. I have retained friendships with six girls for over a year now and have met up with some of them on subsequent visits to the kingdom.

There have been some excellent submissions on the subject of the Internet and Thai girls. I have not had the disappointments reported by Aussie guy or experienced the unmitigated success experienced by Bop Mellow (although I can concur with him about how readily quite demure girls slip into naughty mode on this media). My exchanges with older respectable girls have been entertaining, enlightening and infuriating in equal measure.

The initial interactions all followed a pattern. After exchanging a couple of notes on TLL they would tender their MSN (or Yahoo) address and the communication would continue by email or Messenger. For about three or four weeks they would appear very interested almost to the point of stalking you every time you logged on. Then the contact would suddenly cease completely for no obvious reason. Having seen this pattern repeat itself with some 25 girls over the course of a year, I was curious.

The obvious answer on all your lips is that it took them three or four weeks to realise what a totally worthless old tosser I am. You will excuse my understandable reluctance to espouse this option. An alternate opinion is they simply get bored very easily. If they perceive there is no longer any sanuk (fun) in the routine they will just stop.

So I sought learned counsel from my first TGF Nat who has remained my oldest Thai friend. Her immediate response was that it was because I was keeneow and had not offered them money or delivered a promise of sponsorship within 2 weeks so they moved on to more promising pastures. As this remark was from a woman who had never asked me for a penny in almost four years of friendship I was reluctant to accept this explanation. Also all the girls had a reasonable education and decent careers. In my naivety I could not countenance they would expect to receive sponsorship like the bar girls they look upon with such disdain.

In conversations with my teacher friend from Ubon she never fails to inform me about her friend and the guy she met on the internet. I have met her friend and she is a pleasant but fairly nondescript 35 year old girl. She is reasonably well educated and has a good secretarial job in Bangkok. Her western boyfriend lives in an affluent European country. I have seen photos of this guy; he is in his early 30s and is an extremely handsome fellow. However he sends her 30,000 baht every month. The ironic thing is he has never met her in the flesh, has not even touched her never mind had any carnal relations with her!

I can appreciate men sending money with the misplaced intention of keeping their bar girl friend out the bars but why some guys send substantial amounts of money to girls with respectable occupations beggars belief. I have heard of several examples of this blurring of the distinction between bar girls and ordinary girls. That allegedly respectable career minded girls see no incongruity in this misappropriation of the economic imperative is what I find so bewildering.

Is the problem endemic with Thai women or caused by western men?

We Stickmanites are fortunate in that we have access to a wonderful body of wisdom. The readers' submissions are a vast repository of knowledge and shared experience. Although we do not (yet?) have a secret handshake, we feel we have cracked the code and we all know about the sick water buffalo.

We consider we are the illuminatii.

It is alleged that 10 million western male tourists visit the kingdom every year. I do not know what the readership of Stickman is but I doubt it exceeds 1% of the total visitors to the kingdom. That leaves an awful lot of uninformed and horny men running around paradise. Having witnessed its delights for the first time most will be under the misapprehension that there is some genetic disorder in Thai womanhood that finds balding ageing overweight western men irresistible to them. One of the major misconceptions is mistaking the availability they witness in the P4P areas of Suhkumvit and Pattaya with Thai girls in general.

The syllogism is,

All girls in Pattaya are available

The girls in Pattaya are Thai

Therefore all Thai girls are available

If you remember your Aristotelian logic and the construction of syllogisms this premise may have validity but clearly is not true, however it remains the cornerstone of many western guys’ mistaken belief. If 10 million men visit every year and only half of first timers return within five years there is potentially 25 million men who have caught the Siamese sickness. With this magnitude of men with Jasmine fever we are into serious issues of supply and demand. Throw in the guys who never been to the kingdom but think you can buy a Thai bride on the internet and you have several million delusional western men seeking a Thai girl via a very accessible media. It is no wonder that Thai females with internet access become conscious that they have become valuable and much sought after. They can afford to go “shopping” as they refer to it.

Unfortunately this veritable horde of ill informed sods is the competition in my quest for my inappropriate girlfriend.

Although I have never allowed the facts to spoil a good theory I felt some further research necessary and questioned some of the older Thai girls of my acquaintance.

Now if you ask a western woman if she has a boyfriend she will invariably answer yes even if she hasn’t. This is because she doesn’t want to be considered available or a failure. However if you ask a Thai girl if she has a boyfriend she will always say no, because she is always looking for a better option.

Without detailing my methodology I finally established that most of the girls in my sample group who were active on the internet had at least 4 western men corresponding with them at any one time and had gained and dismissed at least a further two every month. All the girls in the sample were aged 30 to 45 and had reasonable educations and vocations. They were seeking western men but wanted to remain in the kingdom and had no desire to live in the west.

If older ladies can attract the number of suitors that they can be selective and go “shopping”, one can only imagine the level of interest that the younger girls get.

In extending this research with younger girls you are immediately up against a problem in that they have an inability to tell the truth as we perceive it. They are too used to telling us what we want to hear. I acknowledge my findings are inconclusive however by simply observing the significant gaps in the exchanges when chatting with 18 to 30 year olds I can only surmise that they are engaged in multiple simultaneous conversations. I have also observed that it does not take them long to begin bemoaning their financial situation which is a short step to the inevitable sick buffalo/ mother in hospital conversation.

I am becoming somewhat ambivalent about the value of the internet to my quest. The cold statistics are not encouraging. In 18 months of activity I have exchanged notes with almost 150 girls. Of this only about 30 corresponded for more than a month. I have 4 UK based Thai girls who have continued to exchange notes with me for over a year and 6 Thailand based girls who still write regularly after six months.

And I still haven’t had a shag from TLL.

I have now curtailed my Internet activities as I found I was spending as much time in cyberspace as when I was addicted to “championship manager” a few years ago. It is becoming increasingly evident that it I am not going to find my inappropriate intended via this avenue. It is clear that she is to be found in the kingdom at some point and that for practical purposes I must either live in Thailand or spend a significant portion of the year there.

I am well aware of the difficulties living in the kingdom presents from advice from my pals Phillip and Union Hill. The demands and sacrifices necessary to live and work in Thailand are well documented in the Stickman annals. In a previous missive I bemoaned my unsuccessful attempts to find a job in Thailand. I am a professionally qualified engineer, and an educated manager with global experience. I have some fairly exclusive transferable skills I know should be in demand in a developing country but apparently not needed in Thailand. However members of the Stickman congregation once again stepped in with some wonderful advice.

I have reported previously on the excellent guidance I received from the community of Stickman writers particularly Hian Baw, Cassanudra and Nak Pa Jon Pai who helped to put my life back on track, but the superb and highly practical advice on career opportunities in South East Asia I have subsequently received from Pete C has proved priceless.

For the first time in many years I have the genesis of a plan.

After 10 years of somewhat mixed fortunes, the past 18 months have seen a significant revival in my prospects. I have been involved in a business turnaround project in the UK with an enterprising pal that is proving very successful. He has business acumen whilst I have the operational expertise.

The UK has about 8 years before it turns into a third world country that can not feed its ever expanding population. There is a small window of opportunity we feel we can exploit for 3 or 4 years whilst I pursue these Asian opportunities.

I doubt I will ever be rich or ever replace the thousands I lost when my pension scheme was pillaged by those worthy denizens of the City of London. But if things progress to plan, in 5 years I hope to be in a position to consider retiring to the kingdom.

Only when I can spend a significant part of the year in the kingdom will I actively seek a wife or at least an inappropriate girlfriend.

But that is for the future. In the meantime I will continue to make my biannual visits to Thailand, but I may give entertaining my respectable girls a miss or at least cut down on them. They can be quite expensive and exasperating so I will stick to mongering with the P4P Girls of Sukhumvit and Pattaya as usual.

I am coming over for my next sojourn in May. My preparations are complete. The “just for men” is applied to my hair, my scrotum is cleanly shaven and I have a fresh supply of replica West Bromwich Albion shirts (small youth size) already in my suitcase. I envisage by 7.00pm on Friday 25th May, my pals Union Hill and Phillip will already have dragged me into the Big Mango bar in NEP for my first cold beer of the evening. I may see you there.


Stickman's thoughts:

I just loved your comments on the women of the UK.

What I find interesting is that if women in most of the West are the same or similar to women in the UK, at least as you have described them, will one day Thailand be over-run by Western men fed up with women in their own country? Thailand might have 65 million people, but it would not take that many men coming here in the search of a wife to have a (negative) effect on the women, and to push up their value so to speak. Will Thailand and the Thai women become similar to the West? Is that already happening, albeit slowly? So many questions….!

And congrats on WBA's promotion.