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Slapnuts Helpful Guide To Thailand Newbies And Other Delightful Idiots

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 22nd, 2007
  • 5 min read


China Hotel Guide
• Zhenghang Business Hotel
• Zhongya Hotel
• Hilton Shanghai Hotel
• Holiday Inn Downtown Shanghai


I am going to Thailand tomorrow. Am I excited, anxious, nervous, confused? No and yes. I have been to Thailand a couple of times already. I am not a complete newbie. The first time I went was in 2005. I went by myself in a crazy spur of the moment way. Have any of you ever had a dream where you were flying and speaking to animals and everything seemed perfectly normal – until you woke up. That is how my first experience in Thailand was to me. It seemed like I was in a dreamlike state and experiencing things in a state between 1st and 3rd person. I could be the Poster-Farang on what not to do when in LOS (land of smiles for complete newcomers). Here are the things I did wrong:

1.) Wasted my money on Thailand when it could be accumulating interest in a bank account, the stock market, etc (OK, who am I kidding? I wouldn't do this even if I wasn't in Thailand).

2.) Falling in love with a bar-girl. (Well, at least it's better than accidentally falling in love with a Katoey "ladyboy, man who looks like a woman for newbies").

3.) Not staying at Nana Hotel. (It wasn't my fault, this nice taxi driver told me he had a better hotel for me. I later learned 'better' is defined by a Bangkok taxi driver as a dump which pays him a commission to take dumb new farangs there.)

4.) Ate at expensive restaurants. (I was content eating cockroaches and other cheap nasties from the food stands, but no… my GF 'girlfriend' had to have Vientiane, Lobster Pot, Bruno's…)

5.) Had two a gogo 'strip club' dancers for a threesome. (Now I know what a certain 5 armed sea creature and lazy strippers have in common. By the way, star fishes are a lot cheaper and more fun to be around.)

6.) Caught dancing with a katoey after serious inebriation. (Hope that's all that happened. I don't [email protected][email protected]!)

7.) Sent said beer bar girlfriend money after I came back home. (Hey, that buffalo must be healthy now and I hear Junior's motorcycle is back on the road.)

8.) Told girlfriend I couldn't marry her yet. (I have to get divorced from my 3rd wife. Should have told BG 'bar girl' I would marry her right away. I might have gotten better sex that way;)

9.) Got that blind massage thing and asked if they did 'extras'. (It was a women fellas, I swear. And hey, they said they had the best hands.)

10.) A Pattaya girl asked me, "You want smoke?". (I say, "No. The surgeon general said smoking contributes to lung cancer. I'll pay you 1000 baht if you blow me though.")


There you have it. I admit I was an idiot those first couple of times. However, now is different. I am 2 years older and $10,000 poorer. I must learn to do things better and acquire better mongering techniques. Here are some things to help newbies and any other first time suckers to the LOS:

1.) Go to Stickmanbangkok.com and read all the stories. (Stick, I hope the check is in the mail, I badly need some gogo lady drink money;)

2.) Purchase, borrow, OK STEAL 'if you must' a copy of "The Hedonist" by Brett Tate. (A sort of Bible for mongering DOS and Donts. "No 1 rule: Do not fall in love! If this one rule were better followed, there wouldn't need to be any other rules"

3.) Peruse and read the free and fabulous whorists.com. (This web site has no commercials that I can see, and seems to gives you good advice on the whoring lifestyle for Thailand, Philippines, Mongolia, Patagonia, etc…)

4.) Buy the Lonely Planet Guide to Thailand. (Not very useful for mongers, but if you read it your fellow airplane passengers might think you actually came to Thailand for the culture, museums, food, history;)

5.) Want another non-biased travel guide. Don't pay any money! Go to wikitravel.org/en/Pattaya (If you want a Bangkok travel guide, look for it yourself. Real mongers go to Pattaya!)

6.) Ways to spot lady-boys and katoeys (Tall, big hands / feet, flat butt, Adam's apple, funny voice, exaggerated women's gait 'walk', aggressiveness, and last but not least a penis).

7.) Different prostitution options. (1. freelancers-cheap, no bar-fines, can be dangerous 'disease', thievery, but hey if you like to play the lottery…2. bargirls-more expensive usually because you have to pay a bar-fee, but less dangerous 'less disease' 'less thievery'. However, if you marry one, the risks are reversed. 3. gogo girls-most expensive but usually most beautiful 'remember-there is not a direct correlation to physical beauty and being good in bed;) 4.massage parlors-expensive and good looking. Like being in a candy store for an adult male – I'll take that one, and that one,…5.marriage-may not be directly money for sex, but let's face it when you get divorced you are going to get screwed as much as any Thailand pro.

8.) Need a good hotel? Go to www.pattayapages.com/reviewpost/index.php where actual hotel visitors rate their experiences at many Thailand hotels. (Word of note to newbies: 'guest friendly' is what mongers want. A guest unfriendly hotel is usually a high priced hotel catering to families, missionaries, and other snob-like types. Relax, simply stay at most any hotel under 1000 baht (except the Atlanta in Bangkok).

9.) Here's a toilet tip. Bring those clean-ex tissue small packs with you. (They literally saves my ass when I went to a
Pattaya toilet with no flush and no toilet paper!)

10.) Sanuk.. have fun, learn a little Thai, if everyone else if paying 10 baht for the songthaew 'truck taxi' you need to pay 20 baht..after all isn't 10 baht a cheap price to pay for not getting your ass beat by a mad driver? Offer the tout taxi driver a proposition-you take me to the hotel I want or I call the tourist police!

10a.) Save money by 1-staying in cheap charlie-like 150 baht a night room with no AC, a fan, a bathroom shared with 10 other people and thousands of cockroaches 2-refuse restaurants and instead eat from the bug stands 'oops sorry.. food stands'. A bevy of tasty critters like cockroaches, locusts, and ants are available here. If you tire of bugs, some cheap soi-dog/cat-on-the stick is available at other stands. all of this for less than 100 baht a day. 3-forget high price gogo dancers.)

10b.) Most of this is tongue-in-cheek, but seriously DON'T FALL IN LOVE.

-Slapnuts


Stickman's thoughts:

Tongue in cheek, but humorous.