Against Knowledge And Better Judgment Part 3 (Upcountry & How Far Will You Go To Please)
I hope some of you may know the story so far. I have fell in love with a Thai Lady. Not just any Thai woman. A girl that used to work in a short time bar. This is just the next part for what is an on-going learning curve for both of us. Here is the latest
exploits of what is my story. Laugh I bet you nearly piss yourself. You have to read to the end to appreciate it.
I have been back to Thailand now for a week, I have three weeks left before heading back to work again but I'm pushed for time as my teeruk and I are preparing to go to Udon Thani to meet the parents. Read plenty enough about this stuff on Stick, I'm hopefully slightly better prepared than most on their first visit.! (That’s a thank you to Stick and his authors.)
Setting the story
Ok so I have been briefed on the situation and listened intently to my girlfriend on all stories of her life.! She has 4 brothers, 1 is away working in Taiwan. That’s it down to only 3 to meet. 1 of her brothers speaks English and her father also worked in Saudi Arabia for a number of years and can speak some English (My girlfriend told me more than her – but I put that down to respect and would find out for myself). So things cant be to bad. I have a couple of people to speak too and two of the most important figures her father and her eldest brother. I am still nervous though if I am honest. I have also already spoken to her mother on a couple of occasions on the telephone. Well the little Thai that I know anyway. She seemed happy enough and my girlfriend said she was happy to have spoken with me. Okay so the foundation of the story is set.
Whilst I was away working, my girlfriend asked me a cracking question. Honey what day were you born? I said you know this number 23 only 5 weeks before you..! No No No she said I know number 23. She starts again sweetheart what day were you born? I said I don’t get what you mean, you just told me what day I was born..! She said listen. What day were you born – Monday, Tuesday, Friday? So I asked her what day were you born? She proceeds to tell me in a cocky voice I was born on a Wednesday she says proudly..! I said well you figure it out. I was born 5 weeks before you on a Wednesday..! I asked her why do you need to know this? A clip of a story on stick got me nervous. I remember the story about a guy who got picked up at the airport by his future mother in law in a brand new jeep that was purchased in his name. She explained tomorrow my mum and brother go to the temple and speak to the Monk and make nice for our future. Phew that’s a relief.
So roll on a week. I am now home and lazing on the sofa with my girly. The phone rings and she cracks in to Thai conversation. I expect a long phone call and switch my brain off. She gives me a crack on the leg. Sweetheart do you have a mole on your ham (Ham is penis-right?) I looked at her in a state of shock and asked her who the hell she was on the phone to? I speak with mama, do you have a mole on your ham? What the fuck, I said sweetheart your not speaking with your mum about my dick? I hope you haven’t told her you have seen it. She say yes I tell her already but say I cant remember you have mole or not. I asked why the fuck does anybody need to know if I have a mole on my cock? She say not need for speak like this, wait two minute I speak with mama then explain. So two minutes later she is off the phone and pulling at my shorts. What the hell are you doing? What the hell does your mum need to know about my dick for and why the hell did you tell her you had seen it. She stopped pulling at my shorts now and started taking off her top. What a fucking strange two minutes but it is Thailand. She is trying her best to look at her lower back now and nearly falls of the sofa trying. I ask her what is going on. She explains the monk said to my mum and brother that if I have a mole on my lower left back and you have one on your ham we have to get them taken off and we will have a good future together, your money will always go up with your work and we stay together forever. If not take them off, we have a baby and you leave me.
Well I'm curious about all of this because we are speaking about a mans best friend here. There is no way I have a mole on my ham. I would have seen it before I am at one with my penis. So I try to squash this ridiculous farce straight of by taking of my shorts and letting her inspect. Forgot to add we just discovered one on her back exactly where it was supposed to be. I suspected her mum knew that it was there, she was her baby and would have know where a mole was. Low and fucking behold my girlfriend finds the tiniest mole ever on my penis. How the bloody hell did a monk know that or was it a lucky guess? So I ask the question – what do you mean get taken off? She say mai pen rai honey only we go monk and him give you some paste to rub on and it go away. Ok if it keeps the young lady and her parents happy I can do this.
Getting to Udon
I got the options handed to me, honey how we go to Udon. I ask her what the options are. Bus, Train or Plane. Ok what’s the difference? The train take ten to twelve hours, the bus take the same or to fly take only one hour. Straight off I said we are flying. But expensive honey she tells me. How much I ask? About 2,000 one way. I really do love this girl, she does her best to try and save me money all the time, or is this just a false sense of security creeping in and she has me hooked already. I think she likes saving money she almost had a fist fight with a Bangkok taxi driver that tried to rip me off 100baht.
So the day has arrived and we book a taxi to take us from Pattaya to Bangkok Airport. 3 hours before the last check in time. So we have time to play with. Low and behold the taxi ride takes 3 hours and 5 minutes and we miss the flight. I know – what was he driving in reverse? So I'm pretty pissed that we have missed the flight but no big deal. There must be another flight right? Wrong we just missed the last flight of today and its only 8pm. Ok I'm staying calm in the face of things. I told her I want to get there tonight as we are due to meet the parents in the morning and I don’t want to start with being late.
I suggested hiring a car and driving. She said she didn’t know I could drive and was worried I might crash. This frustrated the f*ck out of me. I gently explained to her that unlike most countries it is difficult to get a driving licence in my country and it had cost me a lot of money in actual lessons to get a driving licence. So I have her persuaded..! Next step lets hire a car. Ok we have the Avis counter and we go threw the motions what type of car for how long etc etc etc. Perfect got a good deal and everything sorted out it comes to time to pay and I want to pay cash. Big no no..! What I cant pay by cash? No sir it has to be credit card. I don’t have one can I use a debit card. Yes sir but it takes 12 months to re-instate the money. No bloody way I said. I cant believe it. Looks like we are stuck. I'm getting more and more frustrated but keeping my cool to save face (I'm getting in to this Thai stuff). Ok forget it I said lest just get a room here for tonight and we can catch the early flight in the morning. I go to the counter just next to Avis that arranges the hotels now just wanting a beer and to take out my frustrations on my girlfriend come bed time. They are very helpful and arrange a car to take us to the hotel and one to pick us up in the morning in time for the flight. But we will have to stay in single beds. Hold the bus. You are telling me that the only hotel you can find me in Bangkok has two single beds. Forget it..! Sorry sir ok ok we have found another room but it only have shower cubicle and no bath. Mai pen rai I say. At this point I see my little teeruk making eyes at me, I couldn’t figure out if she had wind or was in pain. I asked her what was wrong nothing in a gruff accent. I knew something was up so I badgered her for an answer. Nothing I speak in the taxi. So we get in the taxi and I can tell I'm in for some form of telling off. Had I looked at the ladies tits that was booking the hotel or something? Why you not look my eye when we book hotel she says? I said I did that’s why I asked you what was wrong? I thought you needed to fart or something ha ha. No she was serious. I tell you something with my eye’s. I tell you not book hotel we can get hotel name and call for ourselves and get cheaper. Ok I cant save my face any longer. Sweetheart if we are going to stay together and have future together if you have a problem you have to tell me – I cant fucking read eye’s I missed that day at school…! I got us a hotel for the night what more do you want. She is miffed at me, I know I can get cheaper for you but you not think I smart lady. I told you she was all for saving me pennies. Does it end there for the night no. Low and behold we pull up to a flash hotel looking good I give her a look as if to say huh I told you so. We get booked in and the guy takes our luggage out of the main door and down the steps? Where is he going I suppose we have to follow him. Oh es forgot to mention we were carrying 7 kilos of dried squid which had been requested in the village upon our arrival. So the guy walks across the car park and beside a bar restaurant type thing up the stairs at the side and comes to a room in an internal corridor. We go in to get some rest and then I discover that we are above a Thai Karaoke session going on downstairs directly below my room. My girlfriend looks at me and gives me the look of ha! I told you so. I couldn’t take it anymore her country was trying to f*ck me over so I decided to get a little of my own back, she was silent upon completion and I had a wry smile…!
I can say nothing but nice things about how I was treated by my girlfriends family and friends. Within a few hours I was being dragged around by the kids and being respected as pappa Darren. I had spent time straight away speaking with her father and eldest brother and when it was time to go late at night her eldest brother told me he loved me like a brother. My girlfriend told me that her elder uncle had came and spoke to her and said his heart was full when he seen her happy and me running around the farm playing with the kids. The problem being was evening meal. My girlfriends mum had made sure someone had bought bottled water for me so I didn’t get ill. Lee had explained I could eat Thai food but her mum was insistent on making something not to spicy for me as she knew I didn’t like beef (what everyone else was having) So all of a sudden one of the teenage boys catches a chicken that had been wandering around. Scrawny looking thing at best. One of the other teenage boys walked over and cracked it in the neck with a piece of wood and they dropped it on the ground. The poor thing was alive but just it was trying to move but not getting very far. So along comes my new best mate a five year old called Bom. He goes and kicks the chicken as hard as he could then proceeds to pick it up and swing it around. I was thinking back to my gran teaching me to cook and saying be careful not to bruise the chicken. I had to laugh. Then I find out that the poor little chicken is going to be my very first plate of home made chicken fried rice. I am just glad I was away washing the babies when it got slaughtered. I will say though it’s the nicest fried rice I ever had. I had went with my girlfriend and taken the babies for ab nam (if that’s how you spell it) and in turn we had went and showered together. Did I say shower? I meant I threw water over myself in the outdoor toilet. I didn’t mind I was going back to sleep in a guest house and would get a shower later. I will not degrade my in-laws by speaking of the conditions in which the live but my eyes were only open to how loving they were as a family. I enjoyed myself and ill be back again very shortly but something which stick himself has said is two days is enough..!
The whole point to this story is to ask everyone how far would you go for love? I had never really cared for anyone other than myself and couldn’t answer that question until now. This is 100% true..! Ok you all must be remembering the mother had asked about my ham. Well its getting toward the end of the last day before we go home and her mother and father are quite adamant that we go and get these moles removed, It was openly discussed amongst everyone and a few sniggers were heard when I listened and heard the word ham. I knew they were speaking about my penis, this agitated the hell out of me. There were at least the mother, the father, 3 brothers, 2 uncles, an aunt, an uncle, 2 sister in laws and all the babies. I was nervous. Its good for our future I kept being told. Off we set in the hired car. Me, my girlfriend, mum, dad and two of the youngest babies. We set off and had to drive to the next village, it was getting quite dark so I asked the question about what time the temples closed around here? She told me that we were no longer going to a temple we were going to a village elder. The monk doesn’t do this she explains. No this had changed from her original story of the monk giving me some past and everything being hunky doray. So I asked quietly if I could still do it myself with the past. No sweetheart I speak with my mum and she tell me the man have to do for you, What the fuck, the man have to do what sweetheart? Take off she said? How does he do it? I don’t know she tell me I never see before. What do you mean see? Your not telling me that the guy does this in front of everybody? Its ok sweetheart she says we give you towel. Holy shit I'm starting to freak out a little bit now. I'm not partial to showing my dick to village elders on a regular basis and what exactly did he need to do. I bet it shrivels up was one of my thoughts. So I'm dead silent now as we drive to the village elders house. My girlfriends father hops out the car and tells us to wait there until he sorts everything out. He takes this guy out to meet us and explains that everything is arranged. So we go in to what was an open room. The whole party that is, ma pa and kiddies. In we go and inside the house we have what had to have been a guy of nearly 150 years old, his wife, their daughter, her daughter and her daughters Another 6 people 5 of which were female. So we all sit down until everything is organised. My girlfriends mum gives this guy lots of flowers, shrubs pieces of grass, candles and other things that had been collected from around the village houses. I can only imagine that they are all currently laughing at the farang with a mole on his ham. Whilst everyone is patiently waiting for this guy to set up. They crack in to conversation. Low and behold what do I hear again ham this ham that are these Thais obsessed with penis? I was embarrassed as fuck but I couldn’t just stand up and walk out of there it would have been a massive loss of face to her parents and I had tried my best the whole trip to impress them. So I decided to grin and bare it (Pardon the pun). After saying some prayers in front of his pictures and Buddha's the guy lights some matches on top of a machete that was laid flat. When the candles went out he went outside then came back in with a 3 foot long tree branch ill call it. He took his machete and shortened this thing by a foot but had made it in to a point. He tied around eight needles to the end of this thing that I can only describe as a two foot spear. I wandered what the hell he wanted to do with it? My imagination was running wild.
My time was up I had been summoned to sit on the matt before the old guy. Cross your legs sweetheart I was told. Ok I'm ready so this guy now has a bowl with fluid in it and a concoction of items in with this bowl which had been brought to him by my girlfriends family. He also had by his side a two foot spear and a wrapped cloth. He said some prayers and picked the bowl up and placed it above my head as he done so. He spoke to me in Thai, then my girlfriend urged me to take it off. Take what off, I said? Only your shirt sweetheart only your shirt. Wow that was a relief. So now I have taken off my shirt and they can see I have a tattoo on my arm. He tells me in Thai Jeab same same. Ok I get that part its going to hurt like getting a tattoo. At this point with no warning and the speed of a snake he picks up his spear and strikes me above each nipple. Ouch Ouch (pretty fast for an old boy – eh) I'm thinking to myself what the hell is that all about as he sets about me again jab jab. Below each nipple this time. he puts the spear down as I'm ready to attach him at any minute if he does that again then I compose myself and remember what I'm doing and where I am. He is mumbling something in Thai that I just cant figure out. My girlfriend says slowly and I think petrified that he wants me to take my belt off..! What the fuck, I'm screwed now. I have all sorts of shit running threw my head. But I keep remembering that its on my ham and I just presume that he has to jab me at the source of the problem. I get pretty flustered at this idea and explain to my soon to be ex girlfriend after I beat her to death when this is over, that if this is going to happen can she please get her mother, the babies and all of the other women in the room to face the other way. They all get the idea and proceed to do so. I never mentioned her father as I presumed boys will be boys. I have played football I don’t mind taking a shower with the lads nothing to hide. Although I'm now thinking that letting my girlfriend shave off my pubic hair was not such a good idea. So here it goes, I take off my belt and whilst sitting down do my best to make my poor little soldier look his best. So I put him out on to the battlefield for all to see and close my eyes as I bet this will be pain. So what happens the old fella goes and jabs me twice again..! Where..! just below the belt line. This is one of them moments when you realise you have embarrassed yourself beyond comprehension. I didn’t need to get my little soldier out he only wanted to jab me in the pubic region. So for no reason what so ever, I just showed a 150 year old guy and my future father in law my PENIS..! Not only that they have now also seen that I shave my pubic region. (I am not at fault there-that was also her idea). They sniggered before at the farm and around her village when they heard I had a mole on my ham. What the fuck were they going to do now I bet they piss themselves. It wasn’t finished there though I was now urged to turn and face they other way with my legs stretched out. The old fellow said some prayers then proceeded to spit what he had in the bowl all over my back. I was just in shock. To hear the worst bit though I had to turn and face him again knowing what had just went on Wai him and place money in the blanket that was wrapped up for his services. So I paid a guy 200baht to look at my penis, jab me with a spear and spit all over my back. This was to be good for my future..? Maybe it will because one things for sure I don’t think I could ever feel embarrassment again after that.!
One good point to this though. My girlfriend had to get the same treatment. Yeah that’s right she lobbed her penis out to…ha ha ha..!
To sum up – anybody else ever come across what I'm presuming must be black magic in the villages. My girlfriend jokingly told me that she had this done to me so that if I ever went with another girl my ham would not wake up…! Yet to try it out, like I said I'm in love with her. Call me a fool