Readers' Submissions

The Broken Man Is Repaired (Part 5)

  • Written by Phet
  • July 17th, 2006
  • 42 min read


I was sitting in the departure lounge of Heathrow’s terminal 3 on my latest visit to the kingdom admiring the raven-haired Asian beauties of many nations. I reflect how my taste in women had radically changed in the past three years. For most of my adult life the epitome of beauty was a pneumatic blue-eyed blonde with big tits, but since contracting Jasmine fever the very embodiment of femininity to me is now a 5 foot-nothing skinny Thai girl with no discernable breasts or ass.

The company of a delightful Thai girl in the adjacent seat makes the 11-hour Thai air flight quite agreeable. Gin was a talkative, bright attractive girl of 37 with those particular Thai facial features that age exceptionally well. She had been happily married to an English guy of my age for a few years, which renewed my faith that a relationship with a Thai girl may not be a forlorn hope.

I arrive at Don Muang airport with the strong sensation of coming home. I switch my mobile phone on and immediately receive a call from my old friend Nat. By coincidence her internal flight from Isaan landed at the same time so we arranged to meet in the domestic terminal. Nat was my first Thai Girl Friend and we have remained close friends for almost three years. We have a coffee and confirm arrangements to meet the following week when I am in Pattaya. I suspect this will involve me in some delightful misadventure as usual. Last year she introduced me to her niece Kay, an exotic 25-year-old Bangkok office worker who ended up sharing my bed for half the vacation. I catch a taxi to the Nana Hotel from outside the domestic terminal for about half the price of those at Arrivals.

At the Nana Hotel despite several attempts I cannot contact my pal Union Hill and assume he has disappeared up the Suhkumvit time tunnel or down the Slippery slope, for which he has a penchant. With Phil in blighty and Dr John stuck in Chiang Mai I decide to give our usual meeting place The Dollhouse a miss and explore Nana Plaza. But first a detour to the Golden bar is required. I bump into Von my timeshare girlfriend from last year. She seemed genuinely pleased to see me but quickly informed me she had a guy in tow that would be arriving in a few minutes. Although we spent about 6 days together it had been almost a year since I saw her so I was very surprised she remembered my name and even mentioned the evening I took her to the Thai cabaret at the Coliseum. The entertainment could best be described as dire however I remember Von was absolutely enthralled. To see a world-weary 36 year old became a carefree 16 year old is one these experiences I come to Thailand for almost as much as the sex. When her bloke finally arrived she tipped me the wink and I departed to the Bus Stop for a spot of dinner. The Bus Stop is great, the food is good value and there are plenty of pretty young girls to admire but I preferred the old layout.

I negotiate the escalator to the second floor of Nana Plaza directly into the press gang of girls whose job is to direct you into their bars. But with no specific schedule I allow myself to be led into Fantasia by a cheerful little monkey. There is nothing particularly memorable in the bar so I buy this girl a drink and let her chatter away to me. She was no great beauty but she reminds me of an enthusiastic freelancer from the Nana car park I had on my first visit. I decided not to waste time touring the bars so although it was not much after 8.00 I barfined her and took her back to my room where she took receipt of 11-months of celibacy. Following the 20 minutes this took (ok it was only 3 minutes but let me retain some dignity) I took her to the Nana disco. The Nana disco is now a tradition for me, I love to watch the delightful girl dancers, I find their innocent routines enchanting and it always gets me in the right frame of mind for my holiday. By 10.30 we were back in my room for a more relaxed all night second round. Noy was an uncomplicated, happy soul with a Djim like a puckered pinprick. She was just the tonic for my first night in the Kingdom.

I am 50 now and I arrived in Thailand not fully match fit. I had missed my customary November visit so I was a little concerned that after 11 months of sexual abstinence I may not be able to perform. I always remember my father when he was in his 50s expounding to his pals that the problems they had with their libidos was that they were “stuffing old women”. His contention was if they threw a young bird under them they would have no problem. My experience confirms he was correct.

The next morning after breakfast I repair once more to the Golden bar. I see Mo another of my previous timeshare girlfriends. Once again I am amazed that she remembered me considering the turnover of men they have. It had been 18 months since she had seen me yet she recalled my name and the outfits I had bought her during the 5 days she spent with me. She told me how she had found a benefactor since she last saw me but his sponsorship only lasted 9 months so it was back to the bar.

Another phenomenon that astonishes is the protectiveness of some of the girls to their friends. I had only been chatting to Mo for a few minutes when a couple of Vons friends came to tell me she would be coming in soon. The amusing thing was it was academic because Mo had already been barfined and was only talking to me whilst her paramour was in the toilet, in addition they knew Von was already spoken for. But they could not have made the perception of ownership more obvious if they had actually pissed on me.

I spent the rest of the day in purposeless indolence around Suhkumvit exploring a few bars including Hillary, Big dogs and the Pool Hall on soi 7. I also made my customary visit to Bookazine to buy a couple of Thai related books; well you have to do something whilst you wait for them in the shower.

I receive a phone call from Union Hill explaining he was seriously in the canine residence and was serving a penance that clearly involved more than a metaphorical hair shirt. He apologised profusely but could not see me as he was effectively under house arrest. That evening, I once again braved the Nana plaza and the press gang at the top of the escalator. This time I allow myself to be commandeered into the Mandarin. I don’t mind the Mandarin; the staff are friendly and they make me feel comfortable.

I eventually find myself in the Big Mango, a new addition to NEP. I was impressed with this bar, the toilets are spotless, the food is good and the beer Laos a pleasant surprise. They employ some extremely pretty girls and the ugliest Katoey in the Plaza. It is worth a visit just to see the young cashier. She is stunning and her photo would not be out of place on a holiday brochure for Thailand. The oldest girl in the bar joins me, maybe because I am the oldest guy in the bar. I have a long chat with Nick one of the partners, a very personable young man. I genuinely hope they do well; it is an oasis of sanity in the NEP.

I take a “Bangkok helicopter” to Soi Cowboy. Now I know with these motorcycle taxis you are taking your life in your hands but to a boring old fart the danger is an inherent part of the excitement I only get when in the Kingdom. Soi Cowboy is fairly quiet so the touts on the street are more active in trying to get you into their bars. I consider this a fundamental part of the Bangkok experience and I tend to stop and chat with many of these girls rather than dismiss them. They are only doing a job and some of them are quite interesting characters. There were two older girls outside Jungle Jims. Now I am not enamoured with this bar but these girls were clearly blessed with a strong spirit of sanuk (fun). At the Long Gun the girls are wearing strange furry bikini bottoms below their belts or maybe I am missing something? I suspect I may have imbibed a few too many beers that evening to do justice to a woman so I take a taxi back to Nana alone. Now I know when I have had enough beer but like many guys I will always have another couple just to make sure. I don’t remember how I got back to my hotel room. I remember popping my head into Bully’s, which is an excellent English style bar just around the corner from the Nana. But I didn’t stay long as there were some western couples in. The last thing I wanted to do that night was to listen to a white woman’s opinion on anything and they will always have an opinion!

Those who know me or are acquainted with my previous missives will be aware of my difficulties with western women. I have not had a relationship with a white woman in the three years since my divorce. The divorce and my subsequent fruitless pursuit of English women all but destroyed my self-respect. My sense of worth was only salvaged by a series of visits to Thailand where my soul was restored and the broken man was repaired. It took me three years to realise that English women were not worth the effort I was expending on their pursuit. When I finally recognised it I cancelled all my subscriptions to Internet dating sites and gave up chasing English women completely. Freed from the tyranny of the chase I regained a social life. I began to revive my neglected professional career in order to fund my pilgrimages to the kingdom. In the last 9 months I have found a new contentment. The only downside to this contentment (other than the celibacy) is I gained a stone (14 lbs) in weight, which is maybe a lot for a bloke who is only 5’ 7” to carry.

From reading some of the submissions to Stickman one can discern there are two distinct categories of guys in my age group who visit Thailand. The first group don’t look their age, are stunningly handsome and have no difficulty attracting women in the west. By all accounts when in Thailand these Adonii rarely have to pay for sex because the Thai girls feel honoured to be with them.

I clearly belong to the other category. Although in my defence I am not quite the hideous creature my self-deprecating narratives would suggest. I accept I am facially challenged but I am well groomed and presentable, still have my own teeth a very good head of hair and until the last few months had kept myself in trim. I only mention this to put into context some of my ensuing observations.

A past submission by Dana (109) made a sterling attempt at classifying the different types of bar girl and suggested 7 distinct categories. This went a long way to explaining the wide spectrum of behaviour I have witnessed. Conversely I believe that the girls categorise us within the initial moments we enter a bar and classify us into distinct groupings. Now I appreciate many will say it is all about money they don’t care what you look like as long as you pay them. But given a choice it is clear the girls will select according to their preference. I do not claim to fully understand their grading system but feel it is a very subtle process and varies according to the prevailing conditions. The obvious initial grading is by our age, for example; if you are Young (below 35) you are put in-group A. Middle aged (40-60) in B or Mature (60 plus) in C. Generally the A group attract the attentions of girls younger than 25, the B group girls 25-35 and the C group girls 35 plus. The next criteria include looks, presentation, grooming, and how fat you are. Whether you are a 1 or a 5 determines the quality of the girls within your age banding that you can attract. A Brad Pitt look-alike would be categorised as A1plus. A tall handsome 45 year old would lose points if he was grossly overweight or been remiss in his personal grooming and have a B4 minus. However a 65 year old could have a face like a welder’s bench ravaged by the passage of time but had kept himself slim and well-groomed, would achieve a C1 classification which would ensure he retained the interest of quality girls ahead of an overweight ill groomed guy 15 years his junior. With their sense of sanuk, general demeanour counts for a lot to these girls. If you look a miserable git your rankings reduce. Being a cheerful happy man and a willingness to toss a few baht around can put your grading up quite a few notches. For some reason English teachers and backpackers fall into a category of their own. Of course all the subtlety of classification goes up the wall if a free spending Japanese or Korean walks into the bar.

All that was to explain that with the extra weight I was carrying this year I had a few experiences that suggested I had dropped in the rankings from a B2 to perhaps a B4 or even relegated to the C division. For the first time in my visits to Thailand on a couple of occasions I found myself being ignored by the prettier girls in certain bars.

Frank Visakay with his customary eloquence confirmed it is ok to play as long as you know the rules and stick to them. Sound advice, which I generally adhere to only going off piste on the odd occasion. As a self confessed monger I am positive about the scene, the girls are consummate actresses and can at times deliver the illusion of a girl friend experience with the professional aplomb of an Oscar winner. On occasion however you can get dismayed with the stupidity you encounter. The girls who claim ownership of you that prevents you choosing your own girl is particularly galling at times. The girls who come straight up to you and demand “you pay barfine me” before their ass is on the seat. The absence of any comprehension of customer service often beggar’s belief. I was in one of the better gogos in NEP and I try an experiment. I call the mamasan over and buy her a drink. I explain I want to watch the show, I will buy a couple of drinks for the dek serve girls and would likely chose a girl a little later, but for the next 15 minutes I don’t want a girl pestering me to barfine her. She acknowledges my request and as she walks away immediately calls a girl over to sit with me, naturally the most ugly girl in the bar who without preamble exhorts me to pay her barfine. Unbelievable but this is Thailand.

The next evening I am once again press-ganged into the Mandarin but upon my release I venture into the Big Mango. I receive a huge smile from the delectable cashier, which alone is worth the 5000-mile journey here. The younger girls are polite but avoid me until the oldest girl in the bar again joins me. It is clear she has taken tenure of me but it is no great hardship in this case because she is a pleasant girl and must confess she reminded me of a young woman in my hometown. Sonia is Chinese / Vietnamese and the wife of a golfing buddy of my brother, I see a lot of her at the club we frequent. I have a mild fixation with this lady and have dedicated many a solitary hour of onaninism in the canton of Wan-king to her. My Mango maiden’s resemblance to her was uncanny so I decide I am going to barfine her sometime, but not that night as I am Soi Cowboy bound.

At Soi Cowboy I visit a couple of bars but inevitably find myself chatting to the two girls outside Jungle Jim bar who had pestered me for a couple of days. I finally agree to go in but insist we have a serious drink. Once in the bar I seem to inherit another two girls but mai pen rai. I get them drinking tequila slammers and after 4 I deduced they were up for some mischief. I was standing with my back to the bar with the four girls in a circle around me. I told them I shaved my genitals which having confirmed for themselves it was a small step to them lifting their tops to reveal their breasts and forcing their nipples into my mouth. They were soon directing my hand into their panties and in next to no time my trousers were opened and a couple of hands administering attention to my manhood. With a Djim in each hand and the other two being rubbed against my knees the atmosphere was quite stimulating. As events began to draw to its inevitable conclusion (verified by the sudden appearance of a hand towel) for some inexplicable reason one of the girls lit up a cigarette. This was maybe in anticipation of a post-climatic smoke (customer service at last?). Unfortunately in the melee the lighted end of the cigarette gets knocked off. I watched its trajectory with impotent horror as the incandescent ember fell upon my left testicle and rolled inevitably into the fold between my underpants and my right testicle. With indescribable dread I could see the hot cinder smouldering through the material of my underpants and could smell the burning flesh. With a mixture of hysterical laughter (the girls) and blind panic (mine) I was dragged into the adjacent toilets. With a far from steady hand I carefully removed the glowing ember as a wet towel is applied to my searing scrotum. The crisis averted I relaxed and noted that during the whole episode one of the girls had never once removed her hand from my penis maintaining a grip like a Scotsman with a five pound note.

Union Hill once prepared an entertaining and informative guide for me on how to go about procuring girls for three in a bed romps, a practice he calls “the Siamese waltz”. Although this is on my list of things to do before meeting my maker I have been reluctant to actually do it in case it accelerated that assignation. A few years ago a fortuneteller told me I would meet my demise whilst in bed with two women. She was so alarmingly accurate in her other predictions I have been reluctant to dismiss her premonition lightly. But I wonder if it counts if I took 4 women?

On the Monday I check out of the Nana for my customary pilgrimage to the dysfunctional Disneyland of Pattaya. The trip down was uneventful only broken by a phone call from Nat arranging to meet me for dinner that evening. I check into the Opey de place, one of the best value for money lodgings in the city.

In previous submissions a central theme has been my love affair with Nat who I met in Pattaya on my first visit to LOS in 2003. She is the most fascinating and resourceful woman I have known in 20 years. We still keep in touch through frequent emails and weekly phone calls. Every time I come to the kingdom I spend time with her however our relationship has changed over the past two years and in my last 3 visits there has been no physical intimacy between us. In Jan 04 she acquired a Rich farang patron and manages his business interests in the Kingdom. Although Tom is married in the UK she refers to him as her husband. I believe she genuinely loves him deeply and is completely faithful to him. Having passed the Rubicon in our relationship we have become true friends and are comfortable in each others company as only old friends can be. She has never asked me for money or made any demands of me. In her early 30’s, she is now quite matronly but she is affectionate, perceptive, and highly intelligent with a well-developed sense of humour. She is enchanting and infuriating in equal measure.

At 8.00pm Ms Infuriating phones me to cancel our dinner date and rearranges it for a breakfast tomorrow. I am somewhat at a loose end made more acute as my young fellow baggie supporters had sold their bar in Soi Yamota. It was my usual haunt in a loose end situation. I have a beer in a bar near my hotel.

Every time you hear an altercation or argument in Pattaya it invariably involves Englishmen. George Bernard Shaw once said an Englishman only has to open his mouth for another Englishman to hate him. I must admit to being quite ashamed of some of my countrymen at times. At the other end of the bar was a product of President Blair’s politically correct Britain, the ubiquitous tattooed yob loudly berating his tearful TGF. This had put the dampers on the atmosphere and the girls working the bar were not interested in making conversation. I am quietly nursing my beer when a western woman comes into the bar and takes the seat next to me. This woman was a stunner, mid 40s slim and with an eye-catching face framed by an alluring Paddington bear hat. I engage her in conversation; she was Australian, a doctor and was currently employed in A and E at the local hospital. She regaled me with tales of English guys causing most of her problems at the hospital. She also told me her fascinating life story. I accept you may find this far-fetched but after an hour or so I got the impression she was interested in me. She stated to me that I was clearly a gentleman (what are you all laughing at?) different from most Englishmen she came into contact with and suggested we move on together to another bar. I imagine it is difficult for western women in Thailand and I deduced this lovely lady was quite lonely but I know if we were back in the west a woman like her would not have given me the time of day. I also had suspicions that I would be jettisoned if she received a better offer during the evening. So I politely declined and we go our separate ways. I appreciate turning down this opportunity was a futile gesture akin to pissing yourself in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.

Nat is surprisingly on time for our breakfast assignation, which we take in the Opey. Nat charms the young waitresses who are fascinated by her fluency in English. We go shopping in the Golden plaza. Shopping with Nat is always an unalloyed pleasure despite my frugal inclination and I buy her an expensive outfit. Most Thai girls are like road accidents when it comes to dress sense but Nat knows how to shop and has impeccable taste. We have lunch and as usual chat constantly. Later when I experience problems with getting money out of an ATM she gives me £100 without batting an eyelid.

That evening I eat at Palmers bar, which is the only farang food I ate all holiday. I cross the road to Classroom and try to persuade a delicious half Japanese girl to come with me but she is only interested in short time so I repair to Walking Street. I go to Super baby a Go Go, which in my opinion is the best in Pattaya. The girls are incredibly beautiful, every second girl you would sell your children into slavery for and for every fourth girl you would sell your soul in true Faustian fashion. Number 77 is exceptional and number 22 bears a resemblance to Iman the model who is married to David Bowie. But if you want to see them you have to get there early before the coach parties of Japs and Koreans arrive. The manager claimed to remember me from last year, unlikely but he bought me a drink anyway. The dek serve girls in this bar I find exceptionally cheerful and pleasant. I buy a few drinks for some of them, which is reciprocated by lots of quality attention. I spend a rather enjoyable evening there.

Just as you feel you are getting the measure of Thailand it throws up an experience that completely disturbs your equilibrium and you appreciate there are some things you will never comprehend. That morning Nat comes to my hotel, we have breakfast and she takes me out to her second house that doubles up as an office for her. Her principal employment is managing the property development but her private empire now extends to 3 houses, a minimart and she is trying to build a short time hotel for the local factory workers. Waiting at the office is her cousin Ay, a charming and extremely shaggable (but unfortunately happily married) 35 year old that runs the mini mart for Nat, she greets me like a long lost pal. Also there is Nat’s younger sister Su. Over the past couple of years I have met all of Nat’s family, her mother, brothers cousins and I had seen Su grow up. I am greeted with an enthusiasm that was as pleasant as it was unexpected. Su is the type of girl men’s fantasies are made of. 20 years old, 5 foot short, intelligent, cute and very pretty. She is very light skinned for an Isaan girl and with the endearing innocence of a naïve country lass, she is the very epitome of the "nice" Thai girl that most Stickmanites dream of meeting. Very much the baby of the family, she is their pride and joy and the one they have always protected and wrapped in cotton wool. She had dropped out of university much to Nat’s disappointment. When Nat took one of her interminable phone calls from Tom, which always pains me to listen to, I take Su for a walk around the estate and she happily chats with me for an hour or so. I also ask her about quitting university and she was disarmingly honest with me explaining she found the work hard but also admitted she had been lazy.

An hour or so later Nat is driving me back to my hotel, she appeared unusually quiet and distracted and when I enquired what was the problem she informed me that Su wanted to come and stay with me in Pattaya. Bloody hell I thought I have shirts older than Su (and probably some items of underwear I am ashamed to admit) I thought this was causing her some conflict so I made no comment. I assumed it was just a bit of youthful rebellion by Su and reluctance to spending her time working all her vacation in her sister’s shop. But Nat surprised me by declaring that she thought it would be good for Su to spend time with me and was all for it. She explained further that it was only because Su was tired from a 12-hour bus journey from Isaan and needed a sleep that she hadn’t come back with me then. By the time she dropped me off at the Opey arrangements were made for us all to have dinner that evening.

I obviously had reservations about the idea, it would certainly curtail my mongering activities for a few days but then again how often would I get the chance to spend time in the company of a delightful girl like Su. As I have done on so many occasions in Thailand I suspend a natural scepticism and go with the flow.

That evening Nat drives Ay, Su and me to the Ruen Thai restaurant. They have traditional Thai dancing which was quite charming and a veritable feast for four cost only 1200 baht. Nat takes Ay home and Su came away with me. She explains that although she has spent her vacations at Nat’s house, which is only 45 minutes away, she had never been to Pattaya before. I took her for a leisurely amble down Walking Street. Su was absolutely mesmerised and for most of our stroll walked in open-mouthed amazement. Eventually we end up in the ZAB bar. They had a 10 piece band playing I thought were excellent with the meanest brass section east of Norwich. The tiny Thai girl singer had a voice like a young Aretha Franklin. Listening to an entertaining show band and a pretty 20-year-old girl sitting by my side with her arm around me, it never gets better than this. Whilst the band takes a break, a rock combo comes on. They play “Have you ever seen the rain” and “Hotel California”; numbers not heard outside of Thailand for 20 years. This completes my pleasure.

The next few days were quite idyllic. Su was enchanting company and a joy to be with. She was very like her sister, and I have to confess to some strange emotions, which are difficult to articulate. It was like going back 12 years in a time machine and meeting Nat when she was sweet and innocent and untainted by life’s tribulations. Extremely pleasant but weird and would necessitate a few visits to a therapist if I wasn’t a well-balanced drinking man.

I was reminded of a tale (I think it was by Dean Barret) were the guy in a bar looks across at an extremely old geezer with a very young girl. He considers that the old man is so much older than the girl it is almost obscene. He decides to admonish the man but as he gets up he realises he has been looking in a mirror!

I never fail to be amused when I see western couples that are proper tourists in Pattaya. Imagine what a shock Pattaya must be if you are expecting Ko Samui. You can just picture the complaints to their travel agent on their return. They are instantly recognisable by the man having a “please kill me” expression on his face when he realises the blunder he has made having a western woman in Thailand. The woman will be disgusted by what she sees and have a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. She will be determined to never let him out of her sight in case he even thinks of sneaking off with one of the dark beauties that abound and equally resolute not to give him any sex that holiday as penance because she knows it is the Isaan beauties that have increased his libido.

In a restaurant near the Marriott frequented by bona fide tourists the archetypal middle class, middle-aged English couple enter and take a table near to us. The man looked dejected and resigned to his fate. The woman however was giving me those looks beloved of western harridans, scrutinising me as if I intended to build a nuclear waste site at the bottom of her garden. I actually heard the remark ”The tart is young enough to be his daughter”. Now as a seasoned monger I generally find this amusing but Su does not look like a bargirl and her skin is as light as mine. That day I had bought her a classy outfit and she looked rather elegant. That the woman had chosen to ignore the two French men with teenage Thai boys on the other side compounded my irritation. Su had picked up this interchange and whilst I was settling the bill I spotted an impish grin on her face as she retrieved her mobile from her bag. I went for a leisurely pee and was still shaking it when the man entered the toilet and spoke to me. “Excuse Me,” he said ” but I have been asked to tell you that you have a phone call from your wife”. Somewhat bemused I stuttered a thank you and returned to the table whereupon Su passed me her mobile. To my surprise it was Nat “I hope you are taking care of our daughter “ she said before continuing “be sure you have her in bed early tonight” she then broke in to hysterical laughter and disconnected. The English lady saw my bemused expression and enquired if everything was ok? I explain it was her mother reminding me that tomorrow is a school day. I made a face at Sue. The English woman actually gave me a warm smile and remarked how lovely it was to see a man take an interest in his daughter’s welfare. We hurriedly left the restaurant and just got out of the couples earshot before Su began laughing uncontrollably. We had entered the Golden Plaza before she had calmed down enough to explain. Apparently she saw that the farang woman’s remark had disturbed me so she phoned her sister who told her to ask the man to fetch her “Father” out of the toilet to take a phone call.

Like many Thai girls Su was initially a little reticent about public displays of affection and holding hands was the limit when in public view. However as we walked through the Golden Plaza that evening she hung on to my arm with her head against my chest. She asked me if I had ever been to a go go bar. I informed her I may have visited one in the distant past and enquired why she was asking. She enlightened me “I would like to see one so I can tell my friends about it when I go back home to Isaan”. As we mounted a baht bus to take us to Walking Street I decided that I would show her Super baby a go go as it had the prettiest girls. As we entered the aforementioned establishment three of the dek serve girls recognising me, excitedly greeted me by name and ushered us into my “usual booth”. Su remarked, “I thought you did not go to Go Go bars” but her smile indicated amusement rather than annoyance. After an hour or so she wanted to see another bar so I took her to Club Boesche, which has shows that are slightly more raunchy. I could not determine what she thought as she was inscrutable as most Thai girls can be. I had the Angelwitch in mind for the third but after an hour she seemed to have seen enough for her purposes.

Although Su understandably was not as confident in her use of English as her
Sister she did strive to be grammatically correct which I find rare in Thai girls. In a playful mood one evening I asked her about Tom her sister’s man. I enquired if he was better looking than me which elicited a huge smile and a “No comment!” She recognised my anguish and thought very carefully before expanding “Yes, he is more handsome than you but he is 10 years younger”. “But to tell you truth” she continued “I do not like him, he is too serious he never smiles and has never said a good word to me in two years”. She paused for a moment deciding to suspend grammar and slip back into Thaiglish to express her thoughts “Him not same you, you happy man, smile all time, make me feel warm, happy” then unexpectedly, she leaned across to me and gave me a kiss in the Thai manner with her cheek against mine and gave a sniff “not handsome man, lovely man”. As Union Hill says, it doesn’t come in jars.

Saturday I check out of the Opey, Nat comes to collect Su and take me to the bus station. On route we all go shopping at the LK retail outlet. Shopping with the two sisters is like being in the slipstream of a whirlwind and I love every minute of it! They each buy me a shirt and after an emotional farewell I catch the bus back to Bangkok.

The journey gives me time to reflect on the past few days. Nat had confided in me that Su was extremely fond of me. I can accept that Su perceived me as a father figure but I could not fully reconcile why Nat would entrust her treasured and intact younger sister to me. Cynics may suggest numerous motives. My naïve optimism suggests it is not inconceivable that it is simply about friendship and trust. My pragmatic instincts tell me to just savour the experience and file it under “only in Thailand”. I doubt this is the final episode in the story.

The traffic is heavy and it almost 7.30 when I arrive at the Nana Hotel to be informed they had almost given my room away. I am also informed that this was the first week in 18 months that there hasn’t been a murder in Pattaya.

Phil has returned from England so I meet him in Soi Cowboy. In the Dollhouse I see my Miss Mouse’s ear. On my last visit I was led to believe I was her first farang customer, but who knows. She is now a confident young lady and easily the most beautiful girl in the bar if not the Soi. She is polite to me but I discern no real interest. Phil takes me to the Rawhide were there is a luscious young lovely he is itching to show me. When Phil retires for his beauty sleep I return to NEP and I have my obligatory hour in the Mandarin. I walk the second floor and espy Noy my cheerful little monkey from the first night. She is now touting for the Angelwitch. I have an idea and ask her to sit in the Angelwitch with me so I can watch the show without the attentions of the barfine me now brigade. I sit chatting with her until throwing out time.

The next morning Phil meets me at the Nana to take me to MKB to try and get my mobile phone repaired. I leave it at a stall Phil recommends. There are so many small repair shops and retail stalls I doubt I will find it when I return to collect it the following day but that is a problem for another day. I have not seen my old pal Phil for nearly a year and we have an enjoyable day catching up on things. We have lunch for 50 baht in the Mall and a few beers in a bar in Soi7 / 1 near the Eden club in the afternoon.

That evening I go direct to the Big Mango and barfine my Sonia look-alike. I take her direct to my room. I intend to take her for dinner later and maybe to the Nana disco but I once in my room I get engrossed and we stay there all night.

The next morning I get a call from Nat informing me she is coming to Bangkok to see her doctor for a routine check up. She suggests we have lunch and that I call her around 11.00 to confirm the venue. When I do so at the time agreed she tearfully informs me that her doctor had admitted her into hospital for an immediate operation. She was understandably anxious if not terrified so I took a taxi to the Yanhee Hospital across the city. I had my first experience of a top class Thai hospital. The place was impressive and I approach the reception desk, which was manned by five breathtakingly beautiful creatures dressed in exquisite pale blue suits. I wrote Nat’s name down for them and a five-minute search of their system proved fruitless until I explained she was Thai not farang and her location was revealed. A very helpful young man directed me to her ward. I was mesmerised by the number of delicious nurses looking absolutely charming in their pristine uniforms and little starched hats reminiscent of the 1950’s Carry On Doctor films. Everything was spotlessly clean and there were armies of nurses, technicians and cleaners busily employed in the care of patients. The British National Health Service could learn from this instead of employing obscene numbers of unproductive administrators and business consultants that are draining the system of funds. Nat’s private room was big enough to house another three beds. She had already been prepped and sedated but I stayed an hour with her to keep her spirits up until the sedation took full effect.

I return to Suhkumvit by taxi and take the sky train to the MKB to retrieve my mobile phone. One of the sheer unadulterated pleasures of Bangkok is ogling the girls who travel on the sky train and frequent the shopping Malls around Siam square and National stadium. There is no sight more divine than the raven-haired office girls and university students in their uniforms of white blouses and navy blue skirts. They are undeniably the most beautiful and captivating women in the world. I have worked in North America and most of civilised Europe and have spent countless hours alone in shopping malls ogling women, I consider myself a connoisseur. My youngest son has inherited my passion for shopping mall ogling and has helped me compile statistics. Now I acknowledge a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman irrespective of nationality but in a UK shopping mall you will see one passably attractive girl in 60 that go by and one stunner in 250. In the areas around Siam centre you see an attractive girl in 5 that go by, and a stunner in every 10. Every so often you see a veritable goddess of such indescribable loveliness you feel your heart is going to stop. I take comfort that the fortuneteller foresaw my demise indulging in the Siamese waltz rather the Siam square ogle.

Retrieving my mobile represented an adventure to me, which will come as no surprise as most of you have already established what a sad old tosser I am. I also considered it a chance to practice my Thai language skills. Last year I acquired a Linguaphone course, which I practiced religiously at every available opportunity. I was itching to try my “Yin de te day rucar Khrap” (I am pleased to meet you) on the girls in Suhkumvit. But unfortunately when I do I am always met with looks of total incomprehension. Even my pal Nat bursts into uncontrollable laughter at my attempts at the Thai language, which is most disconcerting. (Maybe it is my Black Country accent; try to imagine Noddy Holder of Slade speaking Thai and you get the idea). However showing the repair booth’s business card and my “Yoo te nai khrap?” yielded results and I found it. Unfortunately it was to no avail, they could not repair it anyway.

I arrive at the top of the NEP escalator that evening and jokingly plead with the pressgang just for one night to let me pass. Their reply is for four of them to physically pick me up and I am carried bodily up the stairs into the Mandarin. A cheer from all the girls, greets

my entrance. Once seated the manager joins me and informs me that all week the girls have been taking bets on what time the smiling farang would come through the door. I later explore the Carousel and Carnival on the top floor, which meant I had finally visited every non-katoey bar in the NEP.

It is my last full day but following breakfast I take a taxi to the Yanhee Hospital. Nat’s operation was successful but she is still a little drowsy. I examine her wounds that are in intimate areas and generally make a nuisance of myself to keep her entertained. Her room has a balcony that overlooked the Chao Phraya River and I watched an armada of vessels rehearsing for the impending celebrations of the anniversary of the Kings accession to the throne. After an hour or so her brother arrived allowing me to take my farewell.

I have lunch with my pal Phil in the Old Dutch and reflect on this campaign. I had not had as many girls as on previous visits and was in danger of losing my sex tourists certification. I list the many things we usually do but missed this time such as the Safari and Queens Castle II in Patpong mainly because of Union Hill’s absence, but I had still enjoyed every “Bangkok minute”. I feel every minute spent in Thailand seems more intense than an hour spent elsewhere. Whilst discussing a delightful office girl I picked up at the Thermae a couple of years ago I ruminated that the Girl friend experience was getting difficult in Bangkok with many girls preferring the short time option. Phil suggested next time I should explore the Biergarten on Soi 7. Sod next time, when we made our farewells I rushed there with indecent haste.

It was my first visit to this amazing place. There are women of sufficient variety to suit every conceivable taste. I settled myself in a prime position near the ladies toilets, had a few beers and a leisurely peruse. After half an hour of quiet contemplation, out of the corner of my eye I spot a most alluring creature. She had been sitting within 5 yards of me for 30 minutes and I never noticed her. I remedied this omission gave her my most disarming smile and went to chat with her. She was even more lovely close up with delicate features and a smile that would illuminate a small stadium. The onset of a storm prevented me immediately whisking her away to my hotel but when the rain did stop I did so with all good speed. Tanya was very light skinned which she attributed to a Chinese grandmother. She was absolutely wonderful and one of the best girls I have ever been with. She certainly knew how to "take care for a man". Whether she was a seasoned professional or an enthusiastic amateur I had the best erection I have had for years (I used to be able to bend iron bars around it when I was younger. I cannot do it now, because my wrists have gone!). I took her for dinner and found her a delightful companion, bright attentive with just the right amount of spark to make it interesting. Her story about just coming out of a divorce with an Australian guy who boxed her, was just plausible enough and well presented to be true. I know what accomplished actresses these girls are but she was exceptionally good and I was deliriously happy for the 18 hours I was with her. Her face lit up when she saw the vibrator I bought with me. She showed me how she used it to pleasure herself and gentlemen it is nothing like what you may see in porn films. It was just my luck to meet her on my last day instead of my first, but I was so captivated by her I would probably have been building a house in a suburb of Surin by now if I had, so mai pen rai.

I arrived back in the UK to a heat wave and the prospects of a World Cup tournament to keep me distracted. I also found that I had lost the 14 lb I had gained in the 6 months prior to my visit. I think I should market the broken man diet as “lose 14 lb in 14 days by eating Thai food, drinking Thai beer and sleeping with Thai women” although I think I may encounter problems with the advertising standards authority. My middle class friends frequently admonish me for my fixation with Thailand and for my jaundiced views on Englishwomen that they cannot begin to comprehend. On the occasions I feel their censure necessitates a response I acknowledge that I have not had sex with a white woman for 3 years but have made love with numerous delightful Asian girls and not one of them has been older than 36. I then invite them to honestly say they would not do the same in my circumstances.

I have established that although the wonderful women of Thailand remain the principle motivation, sex is no longer the single imperative for my visits to LOS. It is the spirit of sanuk and the best attention and affection that money can buy anywhere in the world. I know my love affair with the kingdom is far from over. In some ways it is a curse having

ruined me forever for western women. How can one return to cold-hearted western harridans having experienced the delightful daughters of Isaan. Despite having a hard-nosed cynicism acquired by 30 years of front line management in the hairy arsed world of the Foundry industry I willingly suspend it when in the company of the ladies of Siam.

The next 10 years will most likely see me eventually marry a Thai girl. I can see me cheerfully paying sin sot to her worthless parents. I envisage building a small house in Nakhon-Somewhere and writing the definitive Expat novel that Dana so bemoans the absence of. Who knows?

Stickman's thoughts:

Another very interesting trip report.