Readers' Submissions

Foreigners And Land Ownership In Thailand – Bad Idea

  • Written by Anonymous
  • June 17th, 2006
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By Jayson

Mr. Stickman, I always make it a point to read your prestigious “star submissions.” Your latest, however, leaves a little to be desired. I would like to discuss this whole falang wanting to own land in Thailand business. But first, I must address Mr. Camaschula’s little psycho-babble. History is for historians. Far be it for me to debate every point Mr. Camaschula makes. I think we’ll agree that certain individuals who try to interpret history will sometimes twist the truth around like a pretzel. Especially if said individual is trying to make a point and in doing so, manipulates the past to somehow make it fit his little agenda. Mr. Camaschula could have made up half that stuff and none here would be the wiser. I’m certainly not going to go verify each and every one of his points.

Well my doubts about the veracity of Mr. Camaschula’s claims were reinforced after reading the “anonymous” writer’s “How Farangs Screwed Thailand in 1998,” which essentially ripped Mr. Camschula’s whole theory to shreds. There’s more credibility when one doesn’t have an agenda, and Mr. Camschula certainly has one. And truthfully, anyone can write a scathing review of any country’s history. Of course, to somehow use that to explain the behaviors of modern day folks, well that’s a bit of a stretch. Let’s take falangs in America. For the benefit of those who don’t know much about how America came to being, here’s how it started. Falangs basically came to North America and stole the land from the Native Americans who were there first. They broke every treaty they ever made with the Indians, brought over diseases, lied, cheated, and nearly exterminated an entire race of people. All that’s left of the “original Americans” are quietly tucked away in the shittiest pieces of land the falangs were willing to give away, i.e., reservations. Falang history.

What about the way the blacks were treated? Falangs brought over the Africans to serve as their slaves. They profited on the backs of these slaves, raped their women, tortured their men, and treated fellow human beings as half men (3/5’s, to be exact). But nevermind America. How about Hitler slaughtering Jews in Nazi Germany? Stalin? Heck, falangs killed Jesus Christ! A bunch of humanitarians you guys are. Falang history.

Now according to Mr. Camaschula, these historical dastardly deeds can somehow be used to explain the behaviors of modern day falangs. Hmmm, I wonder.

But what I really want to talk about is this foreigners wanting to own land in Thailand thing. Firstly, the whole idea somewhat perplexes me. I mean, Thailand is a sovereign nation. Sovereign nations can make laws that it deems to be in the best interest of its citizens. In the US, to be president, you must have been born there. Fair? Who cares, that’s the law. This whole foreigner whining thing reminds me of out-of-state college tuition in the US. Bear with me here. If a college age kid from New York wanted to attend a state university in California, he’d certainly be allowed to but he’d have to pay out-of-state tuition. This is considerably more than what a California resident would pay. Three, four times more. This is for the same education the California kid would get. Same classrooms. Same lecturers. So on and so forth. Now if this New York kid, knowing all this, decides to come to California anyway, starts paying this outrageous tuition, and then starts whining about it, what do you think the average Californian would say? You dumbass! You knew the deal before you got here! If you didn’t want any part of that, why in God’s name did you come!!??

It’s sort of like that in Thailand. Falangs knew the score before they got here. The law has always been this way. It was like this yesterday and it’s like this today. And it will continue to be this way probably forever. So if you’re a falang, and owning your own land is sort of important to you, why in God’s name would you come to Thailand? Are you that stupid? Do you think now that you showed up, all of Thailand is going to get on her collective knees, kiss your hairy, fat ass, and change everything to accommodate you?? What is your freakin malfunction?

Mr. Camaschula really started to lose it there when he started talking about how other countries should change their laws in retaliation. Somehow make it so Thai’s can’t own land in other countries, or some nonsense like that. Good luck. Firstly, it’s not going to happen. And secondly, even if it happened in America, it wouldn’t mean squat to me. Most Thai’s in America that own real estate are probably like me. We’re freakin Americans! Yes I own real estate in the US. I also own land in Thailand. So what? Your little pathetic whining is going to do nothing to affect those like me.

But let’s say for argument’s sake that the unthinkable happens. I hope it doesn’t, simply because it just wouldn’t be good for the country. More on that later. But let’s say we get an unscrupulous bunch of politicians who could give a shit about the common Thai and is out to make a bit of profit for him and his buddies. And that’s what it would take, corruption on a grand scale. Because the ruling elite would make a killing at the expense of the average Thai. But let’s say they decide to allow foreigners to own land in Thailand, no restrictions. What do you think would happen?

Well there’re all kinds of “what if” scenarios out there, but the following could be a distinct possibility, so deal with it. First of all, if even a little whiff of this got out, I’d know about it. And me and my closest associates would pool our considerable wealth together and freakin buy everything in sight before the law took effect. Of course, we’d be way behind the power curve because those few Thai’s in-the-know would have already started the carnage. But we’d get a sizable piece of the action. By the time the law kicked in, we’d be out there selling everything for two, three times what we paid for it. Oh I’m sure the in-country expats would scoff at the idea, but who gives a shit. They wouldn’t be my target market. It’d be the well-heeled falangs. The Japanese. The Koreans. The Hong Kong Chinese and Singaporeans. Heck, mainland China too. I wouldn’t discriminate. Prime real estate in Pattaya, Phuket, Hua Hin, Bangkok, etc., would skyrocket overnight. The average Thai wouldn’t be able to touch it. But then, probably about 75% of the falangs living here would be priced right out of the market as well. The other 25% might be able to afford it, but wouldn’t have much left for anything else. I guess about the only positive thing is that we’d get a better class of falangs coming here. Vacation homes, probably. Rich falangs don’t live in Thailand. Well, not unless they’re gay.

But it wouldn’t stop there. The price of everything would go up. Rent sure as heck would. Not only would owning property be more difficult for the average Thai, even finding affordable rental. The gap between rich and poor would widen. The middle class would shrink. Civil unrest and all that. It’d probably suck to be here, to be perfectly honest. When all’s said and done, I’d probably take my profits, go to America, settle down and buy a shopping mall or something. Curious though, what would happen to all those bimbettes who married their falangs to get their paws on some real estate? Do you think they’d all willingly sign over the deed to their falang mate? Well darn, they’re probably thinking “I married this disgusting piece of lardass, put up with his crap for all these years, just so I could get myself this piece of land. And now I’m going to lose that too??” I guess the smart thing to do would be to unload the thing in short order and disappear. Get out while the gettings good. Would be interesting to see how things played out.

Personally, I like the way things are. I’m not greedy. I’d just prefer not to see Thailand overran by foreigners. And it’s not an anti-falang bias—I believe it’ll be mostly developers from land-starved countries like Singapore, Japan, South Korea, and Hong Kong carving up Thailand like a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Oh and by the way, this Thai Chinese thing is a little overblown (why do falangs obsess over the silliest things). A Thai-Chinese doesn’t consider himself a Chinese any more than an American of Irish descent considers himself an Irishman. I should know. I’ve got some Chinese in my family tree but it matters not. I’m still Thai.

Falangs in Thailand who keep harping about this land ownership thing need to understand the reason why they’d want to own land in Thailand in the first place. Because it’s cheap. But if they change the laws, it will no longer be cheap. Get it? The moral of the story is be careful what you ask for.

Jayson