Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 71
Thai Thoughts & Anecdotes 71
Well, it's all over but the shouting and the cashing of big giant royalty checks! After years of research (barcrawling) and writing (making stuff up) my book is going to be published. I'm going to miss wanking at the keyboard but no good thing lasts forever. In another triumph of hope over experience a publishing company has agreed to take a chance on a new writer. These crazy ass nuts obviously belong in a 10 step program for gambling but who am I to argue with madness. The whole publishing gig was on the knife edge for a while but I seduced the publisher's wife. So we are ready to go. Hey, there can't be any problems there! I've already spent my advance check on botox injections, penis reduction surgery (I didn't want to–I had to), and hair implants (on my balls). I have signed off on the galley proofs (I was drunk) and a publishing date (ongoing lies) has been set. For various stupid-ass New York literary agent pansy reasons I can't give you a preview of any of the book here; but I can print out some of the testimonials that will appear on the back cover of the book, and in various print ads, and on the sandwich board I plan to wear at the up and coming publisher's convention for new authors to be held in a burned out building in Afghanistan. I'm excited. So, just to whet your appetite; here below are some of the testimonials.
In the event that there is not enough room in the final draft for all of these testimonials on the front and back covers of the book plus the media and print advertising; I may be faced with the knife-in-the-heart task of doing some winnowing. In that case, reader input would be appreciated (ha-ha-ha). So if some of these testimonials are your favorites just email me and I will enter them in the giant impressive author testimonial mainframe computer (shoebox). And also, if there are any testimonials that you are not 100% in support of just let me know (like I give a rat's ass). However, any missives that reek of negative or critical thoughts will be assiduously ignored. Remember, this is all about me! Records will be kept. Downbeats will not receive autographed copies (new author bribes accepted). Speaking of which, for you obsessive record keepers and calendar buffs and celebrity hounds and social failures; my first author reading and signing party is scheduled sometime in July at the Nana Plaza. Stay tuned. Boss Hogg says the second floor overpass will be finished (yeah sure) and we can use it for the festivities. Anyway, stay tuned. And remember, in the words of the great 20th century philosopher Frank Zappa–"Brown shoes don't make it–Quit school, don't fake it". In other words, if you are not a hip-hop happening guy don't bother coming to the book signing. Because it is going to be a party! Dicks will be examined at the door by gap toothed mamasans. Anybody with a limp dick will not be allowed in. Word to your mother baby!
"I luf book too much. You my big, big author!"–Noi
"This book rocks. I can't wait for my first erection!"–an eight year old reader
"Stories, anecdotes, and thoughts that perfectly embody the sick person's 'cry for help'. I suggest we don't give him any!"–Sigmund Freud
"We do not condone, support, or endorse anything in this tome of obviously fictional stories. You can buy it through our website."–Bangkok Post
"Bestest buk I ever dun reded. What's a BJ?"–Dana's mom
"I give it four stars. You pay me taxi money?"–Nap
"Inspirational literature that burns with a phosphorus hot flame of wit and intelligence."–someone who looks a lot like Dana
"It's a pageturner. I've been reading and re-reading. I've reserved a place for him in Hell."–God
"It was buy this book or get an operation. I think I made the right choice."–Pat the tranny
"Beats the Elizabethan crap out of anything I ever wrote!"–Shakespeare
"Poetry, lyricism, new ideas, gentle thoughts, literate gifts of love. Nope, none of that. A great read."–Confucius
"I read it under the covers with my special friend."–Michael Jackson
"It's crap and he's crap!"–Dana's father
"A good book. A great read. Very entertaining. But not quite balanced. We have just as many dysfunctional citizens and stupid whores as Bangkok."–Pattaya Municipal Government
"I liked it because it wasn't too heavy. I could read it and pleasure myself at the same time."–Anonymous
"I read this wonderful book in a state of happy rapture. The author's ability to capture the Thai scene was absolutely spot on. And his love of the Thais and the Thai way of life shines through. I have new girl for you. You want talk her?"–mamasan
"This book is full of sex stories and degradation. We are ordering 4 million copies and giving them to our parishioners as proof of Satan."–World Council of Churches
"Sa Wa Dee Ka Dana: We loved your book and we think you are a wonderful writer. If you ever want to say hello just walk into any bar and ask for us."– Na, Ba, Gai, Pea, Noi, Nat, Poom, Yaow, Pim, Lon, Wan, Pob, Pa, Pie, Songkla, and Nid.
"Well, it's all over now! We can just burn all the remaining pens and paper. There is no point in any more writing. After 6000 years of authors messing about with the lesser literary peaks, Dana has taken us to the Mount Everest of writing. Close the creative writing classes and shut down the publishing houses. There is no need for additional writing or more books."–Homer
"A riveting read and everything obviously true. I'd like to meet this guy. So that I can punch him in the face."– farang woman
"An engagingly written narrow niche publication targeted towards the frustrated males of the West. We can not really recommend it. But you can purchase it through our website."–NewYorkTimesBookReview.com
"Better than I could have done. But, what the hell; I'm drunk all of the time. We have nothing to fear but Dana himself."–Winston Churchill
"I read every book of it. You pay me 600baht?"–Wan
"Reading this book was my last request before being taken to the gas chamber. I never could make good choices!"–Federal Prisoner #69P4PSOY4NANA
"I loved this little bookie! Didn't we once own Thailand?"–Queen Elizabeth
"An amusing read but does not shine the spotlight enough on other important and rewarding cultural parts of the nightlife scene."–Obsession Bar Tranny Worker's Union
"A fuckin' pissar sprat shitdorg mut poofendick clotcunt spendoof book man!"–rugby fan
So that's it guys (and gals). This book will be my life's greatest achievement (OK, I'm a loser). All of you who have been loving and supportive during this long personal literary travail (writer word) receive my heartfelt (white people talkin') thanks–the rest of you can burn and twist in the fires of hell for eternity. See you at the NEP.
How much more energy does Dana have? Will this be his last piece?