Stickman Readers' Submissions January 17th, 2004

Where A Body On Body Massage Is Truly Recommended

My first experience of Thailand for 1 night, and then three days during November 2001 (Aged 34) left me completely un-educated about the Thai experience, and with little other emotion other than the urgent need to return, that Stickman’s submissions so frequently talk about.

My father, a twice a year (or more!) regular to LOS for over 20 years (He prefers the Philippines for his entertainment now!) asked me to drop in on one of his suppliers in Thailand during my usual twice a year round trip to China. I had been traveling with a client, and the client told me it was his (54th) birthday, and that he’d prefer to have this in Thailand. After 12 hours flying, we landed in LOS.

He Clinic Bangkok

Not having a chance to read up or investigate further, (nor was my father willing to part with any helpful advise – I know why now!) we pottered down from our Bangkok hotel late on Sunday evening onto Sukumvit road to a small bar, where due entirely to tiredness we ventured no further. After an hour or two, we found ourselves talking with two young maidens, “Long” and “Dong” (No I couldn’t believe it either!) who were showing us some peculiar food they had chosen to indulge in. Not wishing to be too forward, my client and I briefly returned to our conversation. With which our young friends disappeared. A little dismayed, my client said he thought he had “pulled”, and was disappointed they had shot off. A short while later they reappeared on the other side of the room. I caught one of the girl’s eyes and smiled. Needless to say they returned, and told us they thought we were “not interested”. We continued our communication, (They spoke excellent English) bought them drinks, and with the onset of hunger we found ourselves eating the peculiar concoction they had been eating earlier.

OK, its now around 12 midnight, so I suggested to the girls that they might like to continue their discussions in our hotel bar, at which point my client said “What’s this going to cost us girls?”

I was truly shocked! (I can be fairly naive at times), and was about to reprimand my client when the girls briefly looked at each other and said 2500 baht each. My client said, “I want you to stay for breakfast” “No problem” was the reply. I was speechless. (He even knocked them down to 2000) I pondered this for no more than a few seconds, and accepted the situation for what it was.

CBD bangkok

Well without further detail, it was a wonderful evening, and though breakfast was a little embarrassing, as my client spent this giggling with his girl, this was the indulgence my client needed and was very grateful to me for. (He even wanted to escort her to her digs, which I said would not be necessary) He is a rather wealthy man and he divulged that he had virtually emptied his wallet to this young lady in gratitude. (Which might explain why she was so animated at the breakfast table). We exchanged mobile numbers (not sure why) and left for the airport for 13 days in China.

Now China is in itself an experience, one I do not wish to share at this time, but can also be quite “exciting” if you know where to go – and was, for the previous 8 years, my only experience of Asia.

Anyway I digress, after 13 days of work, we finally arrived back in LOS. We came back armed with gifts for our friends, who had stayed in touch by text and a couple of calls, so we called them upon arrival, and asked them to book a restaurant anywhere in Bangkok – any cost, any place, and they chose the Shangri-La Hotel whose restaurant overlooked the river. They arrived at our hotel suitably dressed (dresses!); we of course had a “quick one” with them after sharing our gifts, and headed off by taxi to the restaurant.

The girls were brilliant, and were having a great time, laughing and giggling, they ordered a whole host of things, Green Curry, Red Curry, Coconut Soup stuff, and Pork/Chicken – you name it, and proceeded to hand/spoon feed it to us at the table. Now this was fantastic, and made more so by the poor on lookers – Brides & Grooms, Mum’s and Dads with their children – and not another Farang/Thai couple in site – excellent – we were the center of attention from all parties, and we loved it. (Sorry if you were there. It could not have been a pretty sight, and I’m not proud of myself, but if you’d been on the receiving end of this attention, well…)

wonderland clinic

After at least 2 hours, perhaps 3 we ventured back to the hotel. Our girls had been
drinking, and were now seriously over excited. Once in the hotel, we decided we’d give them both 2000 baht, and let them play poker with us. WHAT A LAUGH – my Girl “Long” lost her money to “Dong” in no time at all, and was seriously angered, so I gave her some more money, and my client won all this, so I gave her some more, and finally we won some back.

We then decided Strip Jack Naked would be fun (Where else in the world can you do this with your prostitute?) and this became hysterically funny as the girls got down to their underwear. Long was willing to lose hers, but Dong wouldn’t uncover herself in front of her, so back to the cards/money game again. After several hours, lots of drinks, it all rested on one hand – “Long” vs. “Dong” and Long lost – Hell broke loose, a bottle was smashed, tears, a glass smashed, screaming – I realized that Dong had accumulated near 9,000 baht playing cards, and was standing there in her undies, teasing Long – so I had to take Long away, and calm her down – the only way I could think of which was to offer her the same money – but it wouldn’t work, it must have been one of those face things, and a mere Farang would not understand. So after an hour or two (My client had escaped to the bedroom with his rejoicing girl) my girl finally took my offer of money and preceded to the sack – she was crap in bed, and wanted nothing more than to sulk. I left her like that until waking up for breakfast, when she continued to sulk, and complain until finally she left. We didn’t hear from them again!

That following evening, after our business was concluded, my suppliers took us to a massage parlor.

As we enter, to our right there is a huge glass partition between us and a room, full of young beautiful woman – all watching a TV!, but we were not to select from these as we were to be treated to the “Models”. Well, beautiful was not the word for it, we had a choice of eight maidens, each of which were to Die for.

We selected our beauties by simply sitting beside the one we liked (Mine claimed to have been on the front cover of Penthouse or Playboy recently, and had some excellent pictures – and not the “booth” type) and were escorted to a private room to be served drinks and food by them whilst watching porn on TV (Not nice when eating!). We realized that neither spoke English particularly well, so we ate, and drank, to fill the empty voids. During the course of the meal, our ladies nipped out of the room barely noticed, and returned with bubble bath, soap and all sorts of nick knacks for the en-suite rooms.

Now I do not know about you, but I was faced with a dilemma.

I hate this sort of situation. I hate having to perform on demand. I’ve done this in China – girl phones, girl turns up, girl negotiates money, girl whips all her clothes off in a hurry, girl takes out your tool and proceeds to try to arouse you, whilst having not even introduced herself properly. And whilst looking at the TV, her watch, and herself in equal measures.
Do I try my best or make a scene?! (Truly, this is not my thing, no matter how beautiful the girl, I just cannot perform on demand – “Short time” is a complete waste of time for me) Do I point out my faults – No, best go with the flow.

Well I had the bath, (excellent body to body massage) had the super soapy massage (Excellent body to body massage), and well, nothing had stirred (Despite excellent body to body massage.) I’m not sure if the fact she told me she wanted a white baby, or that she loved me already, or she wanted to leave the country, and liked England particularly– or what it was, (It wasn’t the excellent body to body massage) but it wasn’t happening “down stairs.” Meanwhile, whilst I was doing my best, my suppliers were in the other room trying to out perform the “Three Tenors” on the O.K TV. (Karaoke TV) (Couldn’t have helped my cause)

Can I at this point recommend the excellent body to body massage – its quite wonderful, and would have under most circumstances done the trick, however, I digress!

(If you go to Thailand, ever, or you just pop in to take a look, for goodness sake find someone to perform the excellent body to body massage on you, anyone.)

(When I returned I asked the girlfriend to try to do it, but she just crushed me, and then I was in debt to her for 6 months, and had to take her shopping, and talk to her and stuff!)

So after what I thought was an appropriate amount of time, I told her that the little fellow was asleep, and tired, and would not wake up for the rest of the month. So doing what I thought was the gentlemanly thing I asked her if she would like me to do a turn on her. (I have always rather enjoyed muff diving!) She was not particularly pleased with the idea, but went for it nonetheless, and appeared to enjoy it. She was even quite grateful afterwards. She whispered something in my ear, Kop Kun something, which I didn’t understand “then” and off she went.

Returning to the room I was greeted with “Your father always takes longer” which answered a few questions I’d always had for him.

But where was my client? Yes, he was busy emptying his wallet of dollars, baht and anything else he had again.

He appeared some while after me (He enjoyed the Excellent body to body massage too, and recommends anyone to try), and when I discretely asked if he’d managed an orgasm, he told me twice – the first time before the super-soapy massage, before the bath, in fact he couldn’t remember if he’d removed any of his clothes at that time! And I was talking about the girl!

Well the evening ended as such, and he was overjoyed. (At this point he was already talking about returning, if only he could find some product worthwhile buying!)

So all's well. We proceeded to the next day’s venues with considerable excitement, both because it was our last day, a day off, and my clients birthday. We did the palace tour, a driven tour of the city, and then off to Pattaya to sleep on the beach and watch the Sunset go down (A beautiful experience spoilt by numerous interruptions from beach vendors, the smell, the noisy speed boats, the flies, the ants, the glass in the sand, the numerous interruptions from beach vendors!)– We were taken out on a speedboat, served coconuts on the beach by beautiful young maidens, the whole nine yards.

That evening we were warned that things might get a little seedy, but we were to enjoy it for what it was, and treat it as an eye opener. (I took our LADY supplier aside and told her that this was a bloody good client, who had thus far had a bloody good time, and it wasn’t to be spoilt. She smiled, and ignored me! – I was worried, but I needn’t have been.) We had a fantastic meal in the “Gay” part of town?? Which we were told was the best place to find good food in Bangkok?! (Somewhere around Patpong, but god knows where) My client was delighted to see lots of old men with young boys. “Just what I thought I’d see in Bangkok,” he said, whilst I tried my best not to look.

We then went to god knows where, but it was upstairs in some very seedy looking dive, that you had to have a membership for, and we were greeted to a lesbian show, then ping pong ball stuffing, which is a local custom in Patpong (See how many ping pong balls you can stuff up your pussy, and then discard in various ornaments on the stage), darts (Another local custom, to see how far you can shoot darts from your pussy – using a blowpipe, of course), egg smashing – Still the most disappointing, and horrendous of all the local customs in Patpong – worse than stuffing razor blades inside your pussy, being female of the species, rather than any of the other types you find out here, you insert eggs inside you, how many depends on whether your into the local customs of Patpong “Big time” or your merely an amateur trying to make it into the big time, then you smash your hips, and pussy, as hard as you can against the floor to crush the eggs inside you. I believe, if your very, very good at this, you have a career spanning at least 3 months, and if your lucky you’ll still be able to have children after this, and if your very very lucky, someone might even find the biggest “egg eating pussy” in town, attractive and marry you – (Opening beer bottles with your pussy has subsequently become higher on my list of horrendous experiences after seeing this go wrong! But, hell I digress again)

So, those that have been to Thailand will know that the following is one of the many grand finale’s on offer, some “Old Hag” then stuffed a Black marker pen in her Pussy, and drew “Happy Birthday #name#, have a nice day” along with a picture of a cake. Then a cake was brought to my customer, with the customary sparkler inserted (In the cake!), and everyone started singing happy birthday, which is quite funny in Thai, as you hear “habby bir day toooo yooooou habby bir day tooooo yooooou etc”

Well, he still has that smile etched on his face over two years later (And poised to visit again!). He loved it. If asked he can recite every word, every sight, every smell, and every name he came across those three days. He has vowed to buy anything I offer him from Thailand (Unfortunately very little to offer in his line) and promised to return for what ever reason he can think off. (He also emptied his wallet the third night, though neither of us actually participated in the Horizontal form of entertainment due to alcohol / tiredness / rarly flight home)

I have to tell you that, this was perfect. Neither of us fell in love, neither of us got ripped off, sure we over spent, but we were on expenses. The girls could have asked 2/3 times more and we would have paid. Neither of us wants to live there, because frankly, at the time we thought it was a smelly dirty city and the heat and traffic were stifling, so we couldn’t careless about increasing the local ex-pat costs (Not then anyway!)

So heart in tact, we departed Bangkok, and slept all the way home with an inane grin stretched across our faces for weeks afterwards.

I guess a brief trip to Disneyland Asia is as good as it gets.

Stickman says:

Disneyland Asia? Nice name.

nana plaza