Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 14

1. In a fit of pique over one of their policies, I have moved from the Chiang Inn in Chiang Mai to the Montri hotel. The only problem is that the Montri hotel doesn't have a tour director where I can book tours. I want to go to Doi Suthep temple, and I want to ride elephants, and I want to take a bamboo raft trip, and I want to visit a park, and I want to go to the silver factory. So out of the Montri hotel and out to the curb. The tuk-tuk driver wants 40 baht to the Chiang Inn. It is a 20 baht ride. I know that it is a 20 baht ride because I have already done this twice before for 20 baht. The two hotels are within walking distance of each other. He drops to 30 baht and then digs his heels in. He isn't going to let some rich farang bastard bargain him down to the going rate–no sir! It is the off season–my hotel is practically empty–every earned baht is precious–and this guy wants 30 baht for a 20 baht ride. That is a 50% increase over the market rate. That is the same as you walking into an automobile showroom during their slow season; showing an interest in a $20,000 car–and they quote you a non-negotiable $30,000! Now how do you feel about this issue? I know what you were thinking before. You were thinking I was a 'cheap charlie' and stupid. Well, would you pay $30,000 for a $20,000 car? Well, I ain't paying the 30 baht. If I had a wife and kids with me, or maybe just a wife; he'd have probably gotten me. I would have long ago lost my energy and my sense of self-worth. But I am single and my tail is still wagging. And I am a middle-aged man. I am starting to get cranky. The older you live the more you have been worked over. Fuck him. So I start walking. What the hell. I've got time. I'm on vacation. I've walked before from the Chiang Inn to the Montri hotel. Walking the other way can't be Rocket Science. . . . I GET LOST. Then I get more lost. Then I get so lost I realize it is time to start asking for help. In the past I found that the only really reliable people to get directions from in Thailand are front desk clerks at hotels. They sometimes speak English, they sometimes are knowledgable, and they sometimes remember their courtesy and diplomacy training that they recieved when they were hired. I know that I am probably within 100 yards of the Chiang Inn, so how hard can this be?

I go into a big, rich, fancy hotel. That's when it begins. The descent into linquistic and grammatical hell. Between the doorman, and then the porter, and then two clerks at the front reservations desk, and then finally the front desk supervisor; I eventually have five people involved in helping me with directions to the Chiang Inn of Chiang Mai. The hotel is only 100 yards away and it is one of the most centrally located, highest, and most well-known hotels in Chiang Mai. The problem is that no two of these five native speakers says 'Chiang Inn' in the same way. I swear to God, it comes out of five different mouths five different ways. The problem was with the word 'Chiang'. Apparently, how you decide to say that word can be pretty damn personal and creative. So personal and so creative that no one else knows what you are saying. This is nuts. No wait. This is Thailand. . . ! Can you imagine five hotel people in Paris not understanding the word Paris? Of course not. That is rediculous. How about Moscow, or New York, or Perth, or Tokyo? Of course not. These names are linguistic icons. All countries and regions and cities have linguistic icons. It would never happen. Welcome to Thailand. Where the improbable can be a daily occurance. If it was just ignorant me trying to converse in an unknown language with a native speaker; I would take all the blame here. But you should have been there. I wish I had video taped the performance. These five people could not even understand each other. It would be comical if it was comical, but it isn't. What if I was trying to deliver blood plasma? What if I had a sick person in the car? Etc. Let me repeat–these five people were challenged in talking to each other. Thailand simply has to get a grip on it's language problem. And the problem is that it does not have a lanquage. A LANGUAGE IS A COMMONLY UNDERSTOOD SPEECH PECULIAR TO A NATION. Thailand does not have this. If I had known about this linguistic nonsense years ago I might have been persuaded not to go to Thailand. I'm sure I would have had just as much fun going to Bali or Vietnam. I've got so much time and energy and emotion invested in Thailand now; I'll probably continue to keep visiting. But I wish someone would get to work on the language issue.

2. Wouldn't it be interesting if the bars had to post at the front door a 'truth in advertising statement' advising you of the true natures of the girls inside? A list of what is very probably and almost certainly waiting for you:

a. Women who hate men
b. Women who hate sex
c. Women who use knock-out drugs
d. Women who have gone to the Police before and fucked a man over.
e. Woman who have drugs in their purse that you will get blamed for
f. Women who are sexually incompetant
g. Married with children
h. Has a knife in her purse
i. Sexually neuter or disinterested
j. Her boyfriend is outside and will follow you
k. Will make and recieve cell phone calls during sex
l. Has Aids
m. Won't let you take off her towel and look at her
n. Won't let you kiss her
p. Won't let you play 'doggie'
q. Won't let you put your finger in fun places
r. Lesbians

That's right Binky–LESBIANS. A certain percentage of the bar girls are lesbians. If you ever go to visit your love interest at her home you will find a room with 3-5 women living in it. They are all on the same schedule. There is only one bed. You figure it out. They sleep together like minnows in the bottom of a basket. Are they all lesbians? No, of course not. But some are.

Recently, I have attracted some email attention of a negative sort because of some trivial time that I spent with a ladyboy. Big brave boys were falling all over their keyboards telling me what a questionable man I was and what great big manly men they were. But none of these idiots has ever given any thought to the percentage of Bargirls that are Lesbians. That's right; man-hating, sleeping with their female lover at night, lesbians. These big bragging men may very well be telling stories to their friends about themselves and a lesbian. If they were REALLY the experienced men that they say they are; they would have already known this. But I have to tell them. I can hear the reply now. I can predict the emails–"It would never happen to me because I can tell the difference." Really? How exactly can you tell? No, I'm really interested in your apparently special brand of knowledge. How can you tell? I can hear these guys with their mates now. Singing after they've had 10 beers, "She wasn't no tranny/she was a lesbian"

And, you tall David Beckham 'look-a-like' ; it is even possible that ALL the women that you slept with were lesbians. That's right. Go to your local college and take a course in the Math department called Statistics and Probability. There is nothing more merciless than the world's of statistics and probability. You better be sitting down when you get the news; otherwise you will fall down. It is POSSIBLE that all of your life experiences in Thailand were on the wrong end of the curve. It is your old, overweight, bald uncle who got the real women who love men. Ain't Life a Bitch!? What's that? You can't hear it? I can. I can hear it. Listen harder. Go ahead. Your hearing is better than mine. There, now you can hear. The laughing. All the lesbians you loved laughing at you. Welcome to Thailand.

Stickman says:

Any male who tells the world that he has bedded transsexuals who offer sex commercially, and did so without protection no less, is bold. In fact one could even go as far to say that such a person has balls the size of coconuts (much like his chosen bed companions?) If one expects NOT to receive feedback about such things, then one’s head is truly floating in the clouds…or perhaps daydreaming about life between the sheets with a katoey?

I therefore feel that your comments here about lesbians are something of a knee jerk reaction. Yes, there may be a few lesbians out there working in the bars. But to start calling them man haters is taking it way too far. The man hating lesbians that seem so prevalent in the West do not seem to exist here, or at least if they do, I have yet to meet any. The few Thai lesbians I have met have generally managed to retain that Thai femininity. The bottom line, Dana, is that what you have said here is a pile of shit, an unsuccessful defensive reaction to defer the flak that you are receiving for your questionable sexual preferences.