The Rules—#1: DON’T GO!
After my last trip to Angeles City, I made a list of 26 rules, mainly as a reminder to myself for my next trip, but also to help prospective visitors to that lesser City of Angels. I have since developed them into a much more detailed set of rules that cover both Thailand and the Philippines, the best of which will be published on this site over the next few weeks.
My inspiration was The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene. However, on reflection, I realised that the word “laws” was too strong. Only a few of my rules could be classified as such, for example: ALWAYS TREAT THE GIRLS WITH RESPECT. Most of them are just rules, and rules can be bent or broken—and I have broken almost every one of my rules from time to time (usually to regret it). There is a third, lesser category that could be classified as “hints and tips” and I have included them because even a minor rule like: DON’T BUY A LADY DRINK STRAIGHT AWAY, can save you a fair few baht.
Most rules are illustrated with an anecdote or two about something that happened to me, or sometimes to a friend. There is also the occasional poem (my pen name is not Bangkok Byron for nothing!). All names, of course, have been changed to protect the innocent (or guilty as charged!).
I am aware that what works for one guy doesn’t work for another. For example, there is the “wing it and see what happens type”, like my friend, Ron, who would laugh at the very idea of rules. There is the “Neanderthal” type, like my friend, Barry, who just blunders in there and grabs what he wants, and there is the “Old Asia Hand” type, like my friend, Dennis, a Vietnam vet. (that’s “veteran” not “veterinary surgeon”), who doesn’t need rules because it’s his way of life. That is why the final rule in this series is: MAKE YOUR OWN RULES; the ones that work for you from my list, and any others that are specific to you. An example might be: CHECK WHETHER THAT CUTE LADYBOY IS PRE OR POST-OP. There are no rules in my list about ladyboys because I’ve never been into them (no pun intended).
It is my belief that, if you follow the rules, you will be empowered to get the most out of your mongering—if you can stick to them! That is the hard part, especially when you are high on Singha or San Mig Light and a cute young thing is dry humping on your lap!
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#1: DON’T GO!
Do you really want to be an exploiter of third-world womanhood? Do you really want to be complicit in the trafficking of underage girls? Do you really want to risk HIV or AIDS? Do you really want to suffer the stigma of having to pay for it? (the stereotypical attitudes of the PC brigade towards sex tourists)—of course you don’t! So DON’T GO! However, since you are reading this site, you are probably planning to go or have been there already. If you are still at the planning stage, think again, because: TAKING THAT TRIP TO THAILAND WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE—for better or for worse. Which one is probably a 50/50 chance, though the odds of it being “for better” will be greatly increased if you follow THE RULES.
If you do decide to go, you will enjoy it so much that every other kind of holiday will seem tame, and you will find yourself travelling there several times a year. This won’t do much for any relationships you may have, because it only works if you go without a woman in tow (see Rule #14 DON’T BRING COALS TO NEWCASTLE) and will cost you an arm and a leg. As an example of the latter, I can remember a time, back in 2005, when I pondered whether I would spend my spare cash on a new car or a series of trips to Thailand. It was a no-brainer. I had a car already (if a bit of a jalopy), but I didn’t have a sex life (other than my subscription to Club Seventeen).
At worst, you will end up marrying a Thai girl and buying her a house in the back of beyond, after which, she will leave you for a Thai Tuk-Tuk driver, and, since the house has to be in her name, you will be destitute. This is, more or less, what happened to me, except that the Thai girl was a Filipina, whom I met through a website called Filipina Heart (now defunct). I broke all my rules, got involved, married her, bought her a house—and lost the lot! Luckily, I avoided the cardboard box on Mabini Street because I still had enough left to rent a one-bed flat in Doncaster. The whole sorry tale is told in my book, My Filipina Horror Story (now unpublished because it was too personal, but there are a few copies floating around out there).
Would I do it again? Yes. Because it led me to many countries I would not otherwise have visited: Thailand, Philippines, Cambodia, Vietnam, Hong Kong and Singapore, and gave me many wonderful experiences, of which the sex was only a part—but if I did do it again, I’d follow THE RULES and, instead of living alone in a one-bed flat in Donny, would now be living in a six bedroom mansion in Buriram with a devoted mia (wife) and a maebaan (maid) who would treat me like those maids in the Monger in Asia videos.
So, back to the point of this submission: DON’T GO! If you want to travel, book a world cruise, if you want to experience different cultures, try Alaska or Mogadishu, if you want fantastic sex, find a real girlfriend (by which I mean a woman who is your equivalent in social milieu, education and age, and who is with you, not for lucre, but because she actually likes you). This especially applies if you are under 30. If you are under 30, you are still “young”. How do I know?—because, until 2018, there was an organisation called Club 18-30 which offered (and I quote): “Package holidays targeted at young singles and couples to travel without families or children”. Note the word “young”. According to Wikipedia, the average age of guests was 19. So, if you were 30, you could still be part of the “young” crowd. I was 25 when I went on my first Club 18-30 holiday with my best friend, Jim. The advertisement stated that the organisers would make every attempt to ensure that equal numbers of unattached young people of both sexes stayed in each hotel. “Perfect!” we thought, and booked.
Six weeks later, we packed our suitcases—not forgetting essentials such as sunglasses, swimming costumes and condoms (we were optimistic), and set off for San Antonio in Ibiza. The Club 18-30 reps organised a welcome party with free food and drink, and, to our delight, we found that there was indeed an equal balance of the sexes. Both Jim and I cracked it in no time, the girls being as eager as we were to hook up. My girl was called Carol—a typical Essex girl—blonde hair, blue eyes, big tits and lots of fun—especially between the sheets. Her bootylicious body looked great in a bikini and even better out of one! Jim’s girl was a Mancunian, not fat, exactly, but chunky—but that was how Jim liked them. He got on so well with her that she became his regular girlfriend for a while. I was lucky, because, sucker as I was in those days, I could easily have got involved, but Carol warned me not to—“Because I’m taking a break from my boyfriend. He thinks I’m at a health farm!” (followed by a bout of Essex-girl giggling).
The Spanish Costas were notorious at that time for the “beach, booze and birds” thing, so much so that they became the subject of numerous TV documentaries and reality shows, Club Reps in Ibiza being just one example. That scene is still going strong, and is wilder than ever. You can have a girl for the week, or a one night stand every night—and not a penny to pay, because they’re up for it just as much as you are. So if you’re under 30, DON’T GO to Thailand, go there!
I even wrote a poem about that idea (shamelessly cloned from a poem by Yeats). In the unlikely event that you enjoy it, my entire Thailand oeuvre can be found in Jasmine Kisses.
That is no country for young men. The old
Wrapped in the hot embrace of young bargirls;
Those dying generations making bold
With Filipinas, Thai and Mayanmar girls.
The young should be in Spain all summer long,
In Magaluf where there are better far girls
For them, looking for the same thing:
Romance, perhaps, or just a crazy fling.
If you’re under 40 and single, try online dating. 30-40 is a good age for this because you’ve probably got a lot to offer: you are likely to be well established in a job, will already have acquired some assets (“the 5 C’s” as they call it in Singapore: car, condo, credit card, cash, country club), and you still have plenty of years left for a long-term relationship, even marriage.
If you are married with children and have a good job, you are in the danger zone, and this rule, DON’T GO! applies more to you than anyone else—because YOU HAVE THE MOST TO LOSE! And, let’s be clear about this! It is easy to lose it all. OK, you can fake a “business trip” for your first visit (as I did), but when those business trips become frequent, it arouses suspicion, and you could lose your wife (as I did). If you get carried away with your Thai teerak or Filipina honey ko, you could lose your savings (as I did). You could even lose your job. This is what happened to my friend, Ron, who had a good package as a Biology teacher in a Doncaster comprehensive school, but who gave it all up for his almond-eyed sweetheart. He left his job for a teaching job in Thailand teaching English for a fraction of the pay. He’s retired now, with no pension. The only saving grace is that his wife stayed faithful and has inherited a rice paddy which gives them a modest income.
Of course, if your life is at ground zero, for example, you have been made redundant, your wife has left you or you’re some kind of addict, you have nothing to lose, and taking that trip might be just be the pickup you need.
If you are over 60, things are different again. You only have a decade or so left (of active life) and probably have a long bucket list to get through before you kick that bucket. If sex is on that list, you need to get cracking before your testosterone levels drop. If you are retired, or soon to retire, you have no job to lose, your kids, if any, have their own lives and don’t care what their old man gets up to, your wife probably lost interest decades ago and is willing to turn a blind eye in return for a bit of peace to read Mills and Boon in bed. The only thing you have to lose is—your life savings! So if you follow THE RULES you should be OK.
In summary, if you are under 60 and your life is not a disaster zone, don’t turn it into one: DON’T GO!
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If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy some of my books about Thailand and the Philippines. Take a look here or here.
The author of this article can be contacted at : rumblejungle2019@gmail.com
