Greng Jai 3 (cont)
Bangkok, Sept/ Oct 2006
So, I took a bus to Pattaya from Ekkamai bus terminal. I was back recently and found that it had changed very little, if at all, in the 16 years since I was first there. Although on the recent visit there was a guy who would yell out “Pattaya, Pattaya, Pattaya!” every minute or so to no-one in particular .. so, no “greng jai” with that arsehole! Wanted to strangle him after .. ooh, one minute or so! Makes me pissed off just thinking about that prick again .. ok .. “ใจเย็นๆ” (jai yen yen! = calm down!) .. works like a charm!
So, 2006 and after 12 days of just out-right sexpatedness (a new made up word) I was heading for Pattaya, Sin City, for a rest. Smart man! My thousand yard stare of the old hand, been around the block, nearly two weeks in-country must’ve been plain for all to see as I sawat-dee-krapped my way around the bus terminal. The huge, over-sized red ruck-sack though neon-lit me as the naive tourist newbie I actually was.
So, cheap rickety bus to Pattaya. Can’t remember the price, but it was something like 4 hours travel time. Met an American guy called Karl on the bus, and obviously impressed with my linguistic abilities (could ask “how much?” could count to ten .. the usual essentials of a language) we agreed to hit Walking Street and the bars together. We booked into a hotel in Soi 8, I think. Was told by (another) Old Hand back in Bangkok (Grungthep to the เกงมากภาษาไทย set, like yours truly) that there was a quaint little Thai custom performed in that area called .. Blowjob Bars. They did .. well, exactly what they said on the tin, basically. So, as that seemed exactly like the cut of my jib, off we went. It may have been the Dolphin House Hotel/ guest-house .. or, I could be getting completely mixed up as that name just popped into my head after 16 years .. fuck knows & fuck cares! As a wise man (probably) once said.
Strangely, I never actually went to one of the blow-job bars and spent one whole week in Pattaya. The whole idea of it just didn’t appeal to me, really. Sat in a bar, with other guys around, just chatting away as normal .. whilst a girl is down there giving you a BJ? Nope, not for me. I felt I was a higher class of sex tourist than that, I think .. or, just didn’t really fancy having my dick out and erect with a whole load of strange dudes around .. call me old fashioned, but just not my thing in the end.
Anyhoo .. we get a taxi/ songthaew down to Walking Street that night and take in the sights. Two young-ish (thirty something), decent lookin (me, definitely .. he was ok!) guys out on the town with money in our pockets (me = £10K loan from Royal Bank of Scotland that I had no intention of paying back & borrowed under false pretences & should NEVER have been given to me in the first fuckin place as I had recently been fired from another job .. Fuck! That’s a big comma full .. Oohh Matron!).
Ok, where was I? Walking Street. Usual bars and neon signs and girls etc that an experienced hand like me had seen all before (for a whole two weeks in Bangkok), but it was all new to Karl, so I took him under my wing, explained the rules, the do’s, the don’ts etc etc. We came all the way down near the end and there was a massive pool bar called Hot Tuna on our right hand side .. and the girls went fuckin crazy for us .. seriously! High pitched screaming, yelling like we were The fuckin Beatles! The ego boost shouldn’t have affected a seasoned veteran like me, but, .. it did! Hadn’t heard that LEVEL in Soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza, so we walk in there like Brad Pitt & George fuckin Clooney feeling like the sex Gods we (thought we) were, until .. more screaming and yelling and I turn around .. and two REALLY fuckin old guys were just doddering their way into the bar also.
What a fuckin let down! Honestly! Took the wind right out our sails & the blood from our .. well, you get the drift! My two weeks Boot Camp in Bangkok should have prepared me for how the enemy can cut your legs off like that, but .. they got me! They did! .. & I STILL remember that feeling like it was yesterday .. it was hilarious! A well-timed kick in the balls/ arse and another timely wake-up call.
Anyway, being the grizzled platoon sergeant that I was, I was wise enough to pick out and pay a bar fine (200 baht) for one of the most beautiful girls in the bar called Pui. An absolute stunner who was a fuckin shark on the pool table, of course. One handed shots etc. I explained to her that me and Karl were going off drinking in other bars and that I would come back later to pick her up. Deal done!
Smart move, eh? Yep! I agree. Then, why the fuck did I never do that again? And never have since? It was probably told to me by one of the old guys you meet in bars, or explained to me that that was why at 2am there were none of the gorgeous girls still there that you’d seen earlier in the bar .. ‘cos all the old cunts had come in and snapped them up at 8pm, bar-fined them, took a Viagra or two and were now balls deep in some Isaan stunner (they were ALL from Isaan .. I had no idea where or what it was .. thought it was a town or a city at first .. and thought: ‘Fuck me! Some good looking girls in THAT town!’), whilst at 2am you’re left with the dregs of the bar and end up paying for a girl .. that was REALLY not worth paying the money for. Old (clever) bastards!
On a side note; Viagra. Fuck me! How THAT must’ve changed things up in Thailand when it became readily available, eh? All those girls who had been getting paid good money by sweet old Albert or Hans, who sadly couldn’t get it up, but he’d still pay good money for Nok or Lek to strip off naked (no towel even!) and cuddle him all night. Then Viagra hits! Aaannndd BAM!! Sweet old, nice old cuddly old, floppy old Albert and Hans are now walkin, talkin hard-ons and rattling poor Nok and Lek ’til their fillings shake. Jeesus fuck! What a seismic shift that must’ve been here .. for everyone! Not read or heard anything about it, but fuck me! That’s historic shit, right there, my friend.
(Meanwhile, back in Sin City)
Me and Karl wander around and drink in some other bars. Even go to the Farang gogo bar to see some white flesh again as it had been so long (2 fuckin weeks!). A (probably) Russian girl in there danced in front of us on a small round table thing .. then demanded 200 baht or some shit! Fuck off! Made a sharp exit with unhappy bouncers/ doormen shouting at us. Won’t be back there! Bloody Farangs! Too many of them anyway!
Back to Hot Tuna at around 2am and there was my betrothed, Pui, sat waiting for me. What a country! She had changed out of the bar girl dress and was now in jeans and t-shirt, still lovely though. We go back to my room, I show off my language skills on the way up the street: “Mai ow! Mai ow! Mai ow!” To all the hawkers who were trying to delay our love. Pui, obviously impressed, couldn’t believe I had only been in the country for two weeks and could speak “เก่งมาก” (geng maak = very well). Strangely, after 6 years or so of speaking, reading and writing Thai, I’m STILL only เก่งมาก 555
I did, however, make a VERY stupid mistake with Pui that night. She was beautiful though! Still one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever been with, but .. I shouldn’t have licked her out! THAT was a mistake!
So, to any newbies reading this, take a bit of life advice from Uncle Rabbie: Don’t lick a prostitute’s vagina! Surprisingly, not a great idea! I know, I know, you’re all thinking: ‘But, surely the first thing we ALL want to do with a strange girl who has sex with hundreds, if not thousands of other strange men for money is to put our mouths down where all those strange dicks have been?’ Yep, that is does seem like the natural urge, folks, but I’m here to say, it’s a bad idea.
Just trust me! Just say no!
I got tonsilitis from that .. or, something VERY similar that caused a swollen throat and required anti-biotics and bed-rest.
That was my first night in Pattaya.
For the rest .. I won’t bother you with that now.
Greng Jai & all that.
The End (for now).
Rabbie Burns.
