Greng Jai (Continued)

So, me and Steve (from Leeds .. think a dumber looking Karl Pilkington) played pool with a couple of hookers on my first night in Bangkok (Sept 2006) and I bought one and had a good night. I do remember it being the first sex I’d had for a while as back home a thirty something living in a rented bedsit with no car is not deemed a catch, surprisingly! And then, like the proverbial ‘kid in the candy store’ I was off and running! The floodgates were opened.

My big brother had warned me about staying too long in Bangkok as it was so expensive. He was now living in Ho Chi Minh city (Saigon) in Vietnam as he had been given the red stamp of doom by the LoS for being caught involved with credit card scams on Koh Samui; fake passports and credit cards and using them to withdraw cash at various exchange offices.

I completely disregarded his advice, of course, as I could now say about ten phrases in Thai (learned from a little pink phrase book The Bible/ Lonely Planet had on sale .. I STILL have it!). I was practically a local! Could ask “how much?” ..  & count to ten, everything! What could go wrong?

I stayed there twelve nights in total and took a different girl home on ten of those nights. I went with a girl twice, she wasn’t THE best looking of them .. she had a cleft palate and she likely broke one of my ribs when she did that crazy walking massage thing .. without anything to hold onto to take her full weight off of me! She told me how she used to work in a massage place and would fuck customers about four times a day, so the bar job she now had was much better. She had worked in the massage place for a few years, I’m sure, as I worked out she had literally been with thousands of other men before me .. and then we had sex again straight after she told me that!

At home, if a girl had told me THAT .. about the thousands of men fuckin her before me, I doubt I would be able to even raise a smile whilst I quickly ushered her out of the room, never mind just have sex with her straight away, so I knew this was new rules I was playing by here. A new me! Practically a native after only a week! I would sit in Soi Cowboy outside that nice corner bar that had the water spray (possibly for plants, but it felt good) and watch all the ‘newbies’ come into the Soi as I sat with the thousand yard stare of the week old sexpat veteran and could only smile at the memories of when I was a such a raw FNG a whole week earlier.

The night that I didn’t go with a girl I was forced to be room bound by sheer dehydration! I had drunk so much alcohol that week that my body just shut down and screamed for electrolytes. But, I was so far fuckin gone in a sex crazed haze that I STILL wanted to find a girl that night. The candy store was still open and there I was tucked up in bed .. what a waste!

So, after that first night me and old smart-boy Steve kept in contact. Must’ve exchanged numbers on our Nokias, I can’t really remember the specifics. On another night out we met the most Scottish looking guy in the world: Davie from Callander (near Stirling). Big ginger curls and red freckles had Davie. Ex-army, I’m sure. Being the veteran Soi Cowboy dogs that me and Steve were we took the novice Davie under our wing. We were sat in Suzie Wong’s (I think) and were eagerly awaiting the lesbian sex show to come on when some-fuckin-how daft Steve & daft Davie got onto the topic of Ladyboys and they both wanted to go to Nana Plaza to see them! As in, right fuckin now!

I do remember my shock! “Let me get this straight .. you want to leave a fuckin lesbian sex show to go and look at guys? Is that what yous are tellin me?” Mutual nodding of heads!

So, we get a taxi or a tuk-tuk to Nana fuckin Plaza and go up to the (whatever) floor and into the big ladyboy bar. Praying that no-one from home happens to be there to see me at this very inauspicious time .. or, even worse .. you see them inside the fuckin place! But, I know this is big daft Davie’s first time here and as an old hand I have to ‘show him the sights’ etc

In we go!

I remember there being rows of benches, like a lecture theatre at school. I end up sat in front of the two dafties. The ladyboys are much more aggressive than the go go bar girls. One has his/her hand in one of my pockets and is massaging my cock and balls, basically. Some are beautiful and you would never tell they were not actual 100% born females … but, some .. well, you all know the rest! I can’t remember what I was reciting in my mind to NOT get a fuckin hard-on, possibly the Celtic 1967 line up that won the European Cup (Simpson, Gemmell, Craig, McNeill, Clark, Auld, Murdoch, Johnstone, Lennox, Wallace and Chalmers .. since you asked!).

There was a show of some sort going on the stage, I think. I politely told the pocket billiards player that I wasn’t interested and pissed off about how much of the lesbian sex show we were missing I turned around to the Two Ronnies to tell them we’d seen enough .. but, big Davie was right in there .. kissing and groping and having the time of his (sheltered) life. Steve? He was happily getting his balls rubbed and shrugged his shoulders like ‘When in Rome!’

I left! Just not my thing, nothing against them, some are gorgeous and I have a few friends who are ladyboys, but not my thing .. a drunken blowjob with no-one finding out and no repercussions?

Of course, I would .. wouldn’t we all?

Fair play to big Davie from Callander though. He was completely unfazed by it all. He went home with the ladyboy and did the deed. I did say to him back in 2006 that if I ever went to Callander then I would have a bribeable story on him and he better buy me beers all night. Luckily the name here hasn’t been changed to protect him. Ginger hair, curls, looks like a farmer, ex-army in his youth .. hopefully someone can bribe the guy now .. unless of course he’s happily married to the said ladyboy with a couple of adopted kids and I was actually witness to the start of a beautiful life-long relationship .. more fool me for going back to Suzy Wong’s lesbian show!

A few days after that our merry little band of Soi dogs added another stray to the pack. Welsh, I think, can’t really remember him, but he was staying at the same hotel as me and I think we spoke in the lift. We all went for the happy ending massage as the ‘when in Rome’ spirit was still strong with us. I remember we went in and had to choose the girls we wanted to do the massage. Soapy bubble etc. I just remember it being a complete waste of money and taking over for the girl half way through as she was piss poor at her job. They just don’t know the equipment like we do and she was just battering away at the base like her life depended on it and I remember being erect, but completely indifferent at the same time .. very strange! I didn’t finish, so I basically paid for an ‘unhappy ending’ and then there was some confusion over the Welsh guy’s bill and he was refusing to pay and I was all for just paying whatever they wanted as any mad Thai mafia guy with a gun or machete could’ve just sprang out at us from anywhere at any minute, but we made off together in search of our hotel and were going through underground car parks etc to find our way home .. thank fuck the sois are numbered. I seen him making a quick getaway for the islands a day or so later whilst I was taking another girl back to my room and I remember drunkenly thinking; ‘You’re leaving all of this?’

I did see one of the girls from the massage place a few days later and she asked me to pay for the other guy’s bill .. I didn’t, of course, an old hand now and all that!

Fuck knows just how much money I pissed up against the wall (and spunked into condoms) in that twelve days, but I do remember feeling jaded by it all pretty soon (well, twelve fuckin days to be exact!), so I did what all jaded thousand yard stare sexpats do when they’ve seen it all and done it all in Bangkok (well, naively think they have) .. I set out for Pattaya.

I’ll not bother you with the details of that, just yet.

Greng Jai etc.

The End (for now),

Rabbie Burns

The author cannot be contacted.