Back to Jakarta Part 6
The situation has not changed but my mind has kind of adapted to my situation, a kind of safety mechanism I guess because otherwise I would be stark raving mad by now. It has become more and more impossible to meet a girl in Jakarta as the weeks and months have gone by. Nowadays I go weeks without even talking to a single woman.
It is as if I am an outcast and that is also how I feel, no matter what place I go (and I don't leave my room a lot anymore, truth be told) the women will do their utmost to avoid looking at me, many even move as far away as possible when I pass them. People I talk to about my issue with local girls tell me it is just my imagination, that it is just in my mind. Well then, I must have a telekinetic mind I guess because I really am not blind.
I still don't know why all the local girls don't want to be near me. It might be my negative aura or my depressed mind. But it could also be a much simpler reason (I'm just too ugly for them), I really don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm totally shunned by all girls.
I tried some things (hypnotherapy among others) but it did not work because it had to be conducted by Skype and I felt I needed a real connection to make it work. My mental problem is too deeply ingrained in me, it is just too big. My self esteem and self confidence issue has become so huge that it is with me 24/7 and it is apparent in my whole body language, thought process and everything. It now rules my life so to speak. With it comes a total feeling of despair, unhappiness, a feeling of there is no future and nothing to look forward to. I don't have any expectation I will ever be able to meet a single girl ever again in Jakarta, even if I stayed here for the rest of my life. In the meantime all the other western guys here are having a ball 24/7. It's as if they have already died and gone to heaven, while I feel like I have already died also but have gone to Hell or purgatory. I think Purgatory can not be much worse than the life I am leading now, so when the time comes that I have to die I might actually not be scared at all for what is awaiting me on the other side and that is maybe the only advantage I can find from my current situation in life.
I will go back to Thailand again on the 13th of February, until the 21st to get a new visa for Indonesia. I actually really don't care if my visa application is rejected which might happen. If that happens I might be very relieved, because then I have a valid reason to return to my country. If my application does not get rejected I will go back to Indonesia with my tail firmly between my legs.
People I talk to cannot understand how I cannot attract one single local female. The Indonesians and the Bule people all cannot understand it. Even the ugliest, poorest Indonesian bloke can still pull more than enough girls to keep him satisfied, let alone ANY bule guy no matter how old, fat, ugly, destitute or penniless, he is still perceived as a rock star here and he still has to decline many offers from hot local girls because he simply can't put them all in to his schedule.
This is really the truth and I know it, and it makes me more depressed and desperate. Because no matter what I do, no matter how many malls, bars, clubs, restaurants I visit, no matter how many dating sites I visit and have a membership on, no matter how much swiping I do on Tinder, no matter how many messages I send from Skout, I just don't find anybody who is willing to meet me.
Sometimes I think that all the ok-looking females in Jakarta are in telepathic contact with each other, that they all communicate with each other about me and all have agreed together that ALL OF THEM will avoid, reject, ignore me wherever they see me, whether it be in a public place or online, for instance when I send them a message. I cannot explain it any other way because otherwise there would have to be at least one nice-looking girl (I am not even that choosy, fussy as long as the girl is not overweight) who would take the bait and start talking to / replying to / smiling at me. But that never happens, never, not once.
I am 100% sure this has never happened to any Western guy before in Indonesia. No Western guy has ever been completely and totally ignored by local girls during his whole stay in Jakarta or the rest of Indonesia since the first day the Dutch set foot on Indonesian soil up until now. I am really the first ever white guy that has ever experienced this. And I am equally sure after me there will also never be any bule guy who will experience this (unless I come back but that does not count because that will be me again). So I am really unique, but not in a good way.
It does not matter like I said how ugly, old and / or fat the guy is. He could look like Quasimodo with hypertrichosis (extensive hair growth all over body also known as werewolf complex) yet he would still pull many more girls than he could handle in Jakarta.
I will go back as I said to Bangkok on the 13th . In Thailand the girls react exactly same to me as in Jakarta. They will just not come near me so it is not only with the Indonesian girls but with all Asian girls.
If somebody still wants to meet me in Bangkok for a drink then he can mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org if possible we can meet then and have a drink.
Women like a guy who is fun to be around. Money helps, as do style and looks, but it is the fun guy they want to be with. I don't know how you can break out of your depression, but when you do and you become a fun guy again then I am sure the ladies will resume showing interest.