Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 390

  • Written by Dana
  • July 27th, 2013
  • 6 min read




Greetings Stickmanbangkok.com fans and Dana fans. Today a three part submission consisting of a social science idea, a biology science idea, and a party note. Other contributors to this website give you a hard hitting interview with a Rangoon rustic working in a tire recapping plant followed by a photo of the author's cellphone on a restaurant table. We scatter diamonds before you. Nuff said. Oh, and one more thing: I am, for a limited time, making Fa available to interested farang. Read on for details.

LIST CONNECTIVENESS

A politically correct idea espoused by those that want to pose as smart and insightful is that everything is connected. If we are just interested and open and watchful we will spot the connectiveness of all: an idea too easy to parody. Still, sometimes you have to wonder.

Example: the following are the names of some British destroyers.
Daring, Ferret, Lynx, Banshee, Dragon, Rocket, Shark, Ardent (a velly British name), Boxer, Bruiser, Spitfire, Swordfish, Charger, Dasher (velly British again), Fervent (oh those British), Conflict, Hasty, Desperate (a little odd to American ears), Thrasher, Hunter, Vulture (again, odd to American ears for a military vessel), and Sparrowhawk — paraquoted from Compass by Gurney.

Do you see the connectiveness here to the Thai experience for foreign males? Of course you do. Me also. At one time or at another time, or more likely times, I have met girls working at the Mickey Mouse Underpants bar in Pattaya (past Third Road–look for broken cinder blocks and rusty chained link fence) with the exact same names and personalities. I have pleasant memories of Spitfire and Lynx (you can call me Rynx). Memories of Banshee and Desperate and Shark still creep me out. Real destroyers.

Pattaya Gary, monger alpha male, can tell you stories about Thrasher (aka #68) and Vulture (aka #12) that he engaged in action at the Superbabies bar off of Walking Street. Personally I would not have the guts to chat up a Thai woman named Vulture but that is how Gary and I are different. Anyway, you can contact him for details if you want. Hint: do not ask about Oy. Her name was never on a British destroyer. There was no HMS OY, but there should have been. Actually, Oy's name should have been on a cruiser or a battleship. Again, contact Pattaya Gary for details.

So anyway, what of this social-science-spooky theory that somehow everything is connected? Maybe. In Thailand.

SCIENCE NOTE: SEA SLUG PENIS

This just in Dana fans and relevant-to-Thailand science fans: Susan Milius in an article on p. 9 of the March 23, 2013 issue of ScienceNews (magazine of the society for science & the public) titled Sea SEA SLUG CARRIES DISPOSABLE PENIS (all capitals mine) announces that hermaphrodite sea slugs have disposable and replaceable penises. According to Ayami Sekizawa, evolutionary biologist of Osaka City University; some twenty minutes after copulation, the penis just falls off. Later, like lead being extruded from the end of a mechanical pencil, a new penis appears.

So, losing a penis (imagine an angry Thai lady cutting off her man's penis) for a sea slug isn't a tragedy, it's an opportunity. An opportunity for a new penis. Apparently, the new penis appears when needed and this writer's mind boggles. When I think of all the time in my life that I wasted worrying about my penis and all I had to do was be a hermaphrodite sea slug.

Several convenient applications of this idea immediately come to mind regarding foreign male-Thai female couplings and relationships in Thailand. I am too busy with my monthly allotment of self-pity and unfocused anger to follow up on this very interesting subject so I ask Stickmanbangkok.com readers to do the requisite pondering and writing. Maybe the website Stickmanbangkok.com could have a section called Sea Slug Penis Dynamics and the Future of Thai-Farang Relationships?

At any rate, Mr. Stickman is too busy with Stickmanbangkok.com franchising issues, pharmaceuticals manufacturing, screenplay negotiations, and custom monogrammed condoms to be the front man on this. Send your articles or essays or stories or research regarding this science news to Chiang Mai Kelly or 500 Baht Walt. They will handle the initial reading of manuscripts, proofing, and editing. Note: can they be bribed? Hey, I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin' is all.

Dana Enterprises Note:

February the sixteenth will be the eighth anniversary of Dana Enterprises new location here on South Pattaya Road in Pattaya. In keeping with now mythic anniversary party fun I am going to be dressed up as a bar girl and ensconced in one of Pattaya's bars. I will be wearing the standard Bangkok schoolgirl outfit of white shirt, pleated short skirt, white socks, and black shoes. My black wig will be of the bangs variety and my hair will poke through the hole in the back of a Hello Kitty baseball cap.

Underneath my skirt I will be wearing a brass temple bell with hanging brass leaf. If you can find me and ring my bell you will win a prize. However, if what you are trying to ring under my short pleated skirt is not my brass temple bell you will be beaten senseless by an angry mamasan who remembers when she was pretty.

The bar will be somewhere between Soi 15 and the alley to the Right Spot Hotel before Soi 16 and Second Road. Chiang Mai Kelly will choose the bar, Pattaya Gary will serve as personal security for me, and office girl Bong will take pictures. The grand prize will be awarded at the office of Dana Enterprises the next day and you must show to win. And no the prize is not transferable. Remember folks, it's a party to commemorate the eighth anniversary of the move of Dana Enterprises from Soi 4 in Bangkok to Pattaya. Drunken Kiwis and drunken Aussies who can't stop grabbin' for my bell and ringing my bell will become police incidents.

There's a party coming,
And I want you to know:
There won't be tofu,
And there won't be blow.

Just me in a skirt
Hiding a brass bell.
Your personal flirt
If you can tell.

So hit the bars
And take your chances.
I'm somewhere out there
Not wearing pantces.

February the sixteenth Dana Fans: the eighth anniversary of the new Dana Enterprises office in Pattaya. In the words of Frank Zappa: be there or be square. The Lido Beach Hotel will be party central, the dead end soi will be a block party, and all food and drink will be free. 500 Baht Walt will come down from the Mothership in Bangkok and handle the pig roast Hawaiian style, Pattaya Emma will serve drinks in a dress that is 1" too short, music will be by a twelve piece band of nothing but horns, and Fa will be available. Yes, Fa will be available. Every 100 baht you give her is 100 baht I do not have to give to her. There is always time for good money management. The dictum Stay Away From Fa will be temporarily lifted for the eighth annual Dana Enterprises Pattaya commemorative party. And yes; that's right: food and drink will be free. Who loves you? Dana does..