Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 365

  • Written by Dana
  • February 2nd, 2013
  • 7 min read



"That is the trifecta gentlemen. Broke, low self esteem, and cranked on drugs. Now we are in fxxx bunny land where you can feel the rising aorta from your heart clamping shut as you bonk your way to a second heart attack." (TT&A)

Hello Stickmanites and Dana fans and all the monger ships at sea: today we have some various and sundry. Enjoy. And do you know that woman that you still remember from the boardwalk from six months ago? The one you did not speak to at the time and now you have spent the last six months thinking of her? She was gone ten minutes later. You let pride get in the way. You did not want to look needy. Do what I do. Pounce like a dog on a meat wagon and look like a clown. You won't lose anything because she does not care about you in the first place. The next day she will not remember you. It is a different reality. Just do it. Just sayin'. And now a personal look at my life in the following essay. And no, you do not need to take notes. Stickman at Stickmanbangkok.com will send transcripts for free if you make the request. Send your requests Attn: Noi Pants Zipper. She handles everything.

TING LOVES ME

I'm not as smart as I look. I look like a guy who has more degrees than a thermometer factory. I look like a guy who, in spite of numerous other guy possibilities, should get beat up first. I'm the guy who is always getting stopped on the street by black guys with prison tattoos that say: First Kill All The White People. What do they want? They want me to help them fill out a form for some social welfare benefit, or write a letter to their girlfriend. Like I said, I look smart.

But I'm not as smart as I look. Example: I once read that 'the two principal minerals of Missouri are lead and zinc'. Oh brother. Well, first of all; I'm not really sure what principal means. Not even really sure about the spelling. I don't think a lot of other people know what principal means either, but I'm not going to drag them into this. Ok, now minerals. Don't test me on what minerals are. I'm pretty sure they are not fruits or vegetables but even there I wouldn't want to have to sound smart on the difference between tomatoes and potatoes. And potatoes is another potential spelling nightmare. Missouri? Ok, easy: Missouri is a state in the middle of the United States of America. Don't ask me where exactly. Actually, in my opinion; the states need to be redrawn. Maine and Florida on the east coast, California on the west coast; and everything else is 'in the middle'. That's where Missouri is. In the middle. I think having this idea shows how smart I am, but again; I'm not as smart as I look.

Now the main event in:

'the two principal minerals of Missouri are lead and zinc.'

Lead and zinc. I don't think most people know what lead and zinc are. If they say they do I think they are bluffing. There, I've said it. Bluffing. So anyway, in a sentence that includes the phrase:

'the two principal minerals of Missouri are lead and zinc.'

there are five things I am not sure about. Imagine what a challenge a book of puns, or a children's illustrated book of astronomy represents to me.

But here's the kicker. I'm not as stupid as I look either. I know an exception when I see one. Example: there is a wisdom statement handed out to new men in the Kingdom of Thailand to Never Fall In Love With A Bargirl. As a social law of physics it is pointed out that whatever she is saying or doing to make you happy, she does not really mean it. She is playing you like a violin and her heart of stone only cares about your money. She opens her legs so that you will open your wallet.

All good advice, but what of the exceptions? Where do they fit in? How does the smart man like myself handle them? Simple. I handle the exceptions, the Thai women who really do love me; by just going with the flow. We are all just leaves on the wind in this life and a man like myself knows it is pointless to resist when a beautiful young Thai woman loves you.

Ting loves me. She loves me completely, primally, seamlessly, unintellectually, innocently, and without hesitation or qualification. She is as mysterious as Missouri and as irreducible as lead and zinc. How do I know this? I know this because I am not as smart as I look, but I'm not as stupid as I look either. I'm like Einstein when I'm strolling on the boardwalk in Pattaya. Alert to exceptions. I may not be really sure about the difference between a tomato and a potato, but I know that Ting loves me. You can't fool me. She loves me.

and now . . .

DANA ENTERPRISES NOTE:

Office girl Foomy notified me today that November 29th was the occasion of my 29th email to Stickman going unanswered. 29 and 29. Meaningful? Foomy thought so and immediately put a small plastic children's' toy car up on the Buddha shelf in the office. I almost said something, but then I noticed a 29 in the license plate number of the toy car. Foomy knows what she is doing. Once again, Thai culture trumps farang ignorance.

At any rate, 29 unanswered emails from the all powerful Stickmeister. I give and I give and I give and what do I get? Bupkus, zero, nuttin'. I wash and wax his car every Saturday, I carry his packages through endless mall treks every Sunday, I send him thoughtful gifts, and I have never ever mentioned his . . . well, you know. I guess it's all about tough love at Stickmanbangkok.com. If you have had similar experiences please contact me. Maybe we have the makings of a class action suit here. We can use one of those crack Thai lawyers whose specialty is framing foreigners for crimes they have not committed. Anyway, ever seen village boys with pointed sticks chase around a chicken? That chicken is Stickman. We're mad as hell and we aren't taking it anymore. Just sayin'.

and finally . . .

BUY HER ANOTHER GIFT

The sun loses 4 million tons of mass as energy every second. Think about it. No, that won't do it. Too much too soon. So I will do in text what you will have to do in your mind a hundred times to even come close to the meaning of this. I will repeat it. The sun loses 4 million tons of mass as energy every second. And you think you have a big idea for how you and your Thai girlfriend are going to bond? You do not know what a big idea is. In the time it takes to read and reread these sentences, the sun has lost 60 million tons of mass. Do you even know how to write that on a blackboard and explain it to grade school students? You don't have a big idea for how you and your Thai girlfriend are going to be able to reach across the starry spaces of cultural miscommunications and become one. Grab the reins. Retool your dreams. Give up. Just become a leaf on the cosmic wind of foreigner-Thai relationships. Follow the Thais. They gave up trying to puzzle out the mysteries of Thai-farang relationships a long time ago? No, they never tried in the first or in the second place to crack the code on Thai-farang relationships.

Maybe their individual and cultural indifference to intellectual curiosity is their strength. Less stress, more smiles. Maybe yes, maybe no; but the result is the same and they know it. You and your Thai lady are never going to bond like the hydrogen and the helium of the sun. You are never going to have a starry fusion experience. Just go with it. Be happy. And buy her another gift.