Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 313

  • Written by Dana
  • February 4th, 2012
  • 4 min read


Introduction

"237 Million Years Ago — COMING TOGETHER

About 300 million years ago Gondwana and northern continents collided, creating Pangaea, a landmass that stretched from Pole to Pole. Within opened Tethys, ancestor of the Mediterranean. Around the supercontinent lay the Panthalassic Ocean, ancestor of the Pacific. The enlarged ocean basin caused sea level to fall, while the land barrier blocked ocean currents that circulated oxygen. Scientists speculate that those events and a vast outpouring of lava in Siberia may have caused Earth's largest extinction, 250 million years ago. Surviving reptiles spread across Pangaea, evolving into diverse forms that gave rise to the dinosaurs." — National Geographic magazine

Ok, that's fine; but I think what we would all like to know is when and how was Pattaya created. And where can we buy bargirl fossils? Bargirl fossils. How cool would that be? Dating of the fossils could be done by the makes and models of the cellphones. But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is:

PUBLISHED WRITER'S HOTLINE

For those of you not involved in Danaism, or not members of the Dana Fan Club, or not participants in the fee based subscription program; you may not be aware of this, but I run a non-profit humanitarian program called the Published Writer's Hotline (PWH). Qualified published writers have my Published Writer's Hotline private phone number and call me for help. Example:

Published Writer: Dana, I am having trouble with tenses (past, present, future) and plot resolution. I need a way to weasel out of this problem. Which weasel technique do you think would be best: time tunnel or ghost story?

Me: Neither. Have the main character take too much yaa baa just before going under anaesthesia for tranny surgery and hallucinate. No problem with tenses and no problem with a penis when he wakes up.

Ok, the above is an example of a legitimate Published Writer's Hotline question. Good question and helpful answer. Then you get the boneheads. Examples follow:

Got another middle-of-the-night call from Dean Barrett last night. Some kind of personal problem. I had to remind him that the Published Writer's Hotline (PWH) is only for questions about writing. Your dog ate a ten pound bag of dry dog food and then drained the toilet bowl? Can't help you.

Look, I don't want to sound like Joe Complainer here, and I know as a non-published author I barely have the right to live; but would it kill some of these published writers to take a little more responsibility for their lives?

Got a call from Steven Leather. He wanted to know what an OED is. Oh, come on. Use the dictionary. And speaking of a dictionary, Steve Rosse wanted to know what to do if the glue has failed and one of the letter tabs has fallen off of your dictionary. He wanted to look up a word that began with the letter H and there was no letter H tab. Chuckwoww left a frenzied breathless message. He wanted to know what ophiophagous rhymed with, and could I maybe come up with a clever stanza in iambic pentameter that could be used in a story about a cyclopsian Hi-So lady who runs a carwash in Hat Yai. I emailed him an answer. No thanks. Not one word of thanks. What am I, every published writer's doormat here? Union Hill wanted to know if an adnoun can precede a preposition if the third unnecessary word reference in the sentence is Latin and the ninth unnecessary reference word in the sentence is French. I just hung up. That can not possibly be Union Hill.

Anyway, another example of doormatism: coming up in the A.A. Hotel elevator I can hear my phone ringing in my 6th floor ocean facing suite. I bolt out of the elevator, leap across the hall, blow through the door, grab the phone, and hear this:

Published Writer: Hi Dana, what's happening?
Me: How can I help you?
PW: Yeah, I was wondering if you had heard of any cures for writer's block?
Me: Yeah, I sometimes get that affliction also.
PW: You? How could you get writer's block? You're not even a real writer–you just write on the Internet?
Me: Well . . .
PW: The most you could ever get would be 'wannabe writer's block' — ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha . . .
Me: Click.

Oops, another call . . .

Me: Yes?
Dean Barrett: Hi, Dana–the Deanster here.
Me: Yes Dean, how can I help you?
Dean: Would you like to buy any of my books?
Me: I'm a big fan Dean and I have already read your wonderful books.
Dean: Yeah, yeah–look, I'm running a sale. Do you want to buy any of my books?
Me: Click.

Sigh . . .

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
Me: Hello?
Dean Barrett: Hey, Dana–it's me again.
Me: Dean, let me be candid. You are my personal hero. If God gave me a second chance at life I would want to come back as you. You are more excellent than me in every way and I worship you; but I already have all of your books so I do not want to buy any more of your books.
Dean: Yeah yeah–look Commander Jerkwad: I'm a published author and you are not, so how many of my books do you want to buy?
Me: Click

Sigh . . .

So, in conclusion I would like to say that . . . oops, the phone is ringing on my Published Writer Hotline (PWH) again — gotta go.