Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and And Anecdotes Part 296

  • Written by Dana
  • July 2nd, 2011
  • 6 min read



Greetings Stickmanites and Dana Fans–a short Introductory piece today followed by the main event called A Shack In Suckburi. Enjoy.

ENORMOUS BATS

"Filth & rubbish everywhere, graves built into defences & scattered about promiscuously, feet & clothing breaking through the soil, water & muck on all sides; & about this scene in the dazzling moonlight troops of enormous bats creep & glide, to the unceasing accompaniment of rifles & machine guns & the venomous whining & whirring of the bullets which pass overhead."

Opinions differ on the speaker of these words. Some Churchillophiles believe it is the great man himself describing the trenches of the Western Front during WWI. Others, followers of Danaism, believe it is Dana describing the South Pattaya boardwalk in the glorious 90's.

Research to identify the historical speaker of record is being done by Sir Reginald Dew-Dew Piffpaddle at Bullcrap-on-Tyne College in England. Research is also being done by followers of Danaism at Dana Central Enterprises (DCE), Rajah building, Soi 4, Bangkok.

Stay tuned. Any opinions, facts, suppositions, crazyass ideas, parchment records, tape recordings, photos, eye witness accounts, or issues of bribery should be sent to the administrator of this website for initial filtering, literary DNA testing, hyena-like laughing, and super duper academic examination.

Once the correct expositor of these words (Dana no doubt) in this above quote has been detected a pink polished granite slab with the quote chisel inscribed will be set in concrete on the boardwalk across from Soi 13/0. You knew that . . . anyway, like I said: stay tuned.

But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is an essay titled:

A SHACK IN SUCKBURI

Attention Dana Fans and Stickmanites on this beautiful Christmas Day in LOS and a Lord of God season musing to you from me. To wit:

"The Guggenheim Museum invites you to honor, with all your affective presence, the lucid and positive advent of a certain reign of the sensitive. This manifestation of perceptive synthesis confirms Tino Sehgal's pictorial quest for an ecstatic and immediately communicable emotion."

Yeah baby, all that and a bag of chips–or something. Right back at you Guggenheim Museum–or something. Ok, I'll come clean: I got nothin'. Just no idea what this means–time to hit the boardwalk in Pattaya. I am persuaded that this announcement by the Guggenheim Museum regarding Tino Sehgal's art is content accurate and skillfully wordsmithed, but my instincts are that my affective presence and quest for an ecstatic communicable emotion would be most successfully applied visiting the boardwalk in Pattaya. I guess whores trumps art. Kill me.

But wait a minute, this idea has critics. Examples:

'Ah Dana, again with cruising the boardwalk in Pattaya for smilers? Give it a rest.'

'Sweet Jesus on a cracker Dana: can't you do better than that lot of addicts, eyebrow pluckers, and thieves?'

'Dana, that's it: I'm not readiang any more of your crap. The boardwalk to meet nice Thai ladies? It's a big country jerkwad and you don't know nothin' 'bout nothing'.

Points taken guys and thank-you for taking a personal interest. I'll bet you've got some great alternative ideas for meeting someone special to share your life with. Like:

1. Get a friend of yours to smuggle you into an all Japanese club in Bangkok where the cream of the crop of Thai ladies are to be found. Yeah, that'll work. Not.

2. Pound the keyboard as a member of Thai computer dating sites. All of those Thai ladies have pussys with cobwebs. They are waiting to meet the right man. They are sleeping on a shelf in a shack in Suckburi waiting to meet you. Sure they are. Boy you really are making me look foolish now.

3. Only barfine girls in Go-Go bars recommended by the mamasan. You had a candid detailed adult conversation with the mamasan regarding your very special qualities and she respects you. You are not just a newbie tourist off the plane: you know stuff. This is going to work. Of course it is. Send me a postcard of you and your Thai wife on your five year wedding anniversary.

4. Simple young ladies unpolluted by life experience are the best so rather than demean yourself by sitting in the shade of a palm tree with a Thai lady on the boardwalk in Pattaya you chat up retail clerks at Robinson's Department store on Sukumvit in Bangkok at the end of the month. That'll work. Great idea. Their bedroom walls are covered with posters of male Thai singers and male Thai TV stars but you are going to make them forget all of that. Girls who believe in ghosts and you. Hey, that's got future written all over it. I feel so foolish. You're the man.

5. Fly to Singapore and chat up the Thai whores in the high end clubs there. Now you are thinking. Winner women qualified to mate with you for life. I'm barely qualified to stand in your shadow.

6. Hang out at the Suvarnabhumi airport coffee shop (if you can find it) and meet the Thai ladies who work for the airlines. Women of such clean and innocent aspect that a cotton swab sample of any part of their bodies would not pick up a single germ or piece of dirt. Angels. Goddesses. This will work. Sure it will. After a twelve hour day being exposed to thousands of foreign men they are waiting for you. Put me down as embarrassed. Embarrassed I did not think of this brilliant idea.

7. Spend your days in Pattaya slogging from one hairdresser to another hairdresser for just a 'trim'. That way you meet real women with real lives and real morals. Once again, I'm embarrassed I did not think of that. Boy you are really smart. Let me know how this works out.

8. Stand at the foot of the DOWN escalator in the Royal Palm department store in Pattaya and hold up a sign written in Thai that all of the girls can see:

"My name is Gerd. I am from Germany. I want to get married. The steel mill in my village has shut down so there is less pollution."

Let me know how this works. I really want to know. You're a thinker. Oh, and one thing Gerd. Even though the sign will be written in perfect Thai a lot of the girls will have a hard time reading it because it is being held by a farang. Welcome to Thailand.

9. Pass out pictures of the inside of your rectum taken by your proctologist during polyp removal surgery. Thai ladies who take an interest in this will be medically alert and intellectual. Hey, you might meet a Thai lady doctor. Could happen. Sure it could. Whatever you do: don't go looking for companionship on that disgusting boardwalk. This rectum photo idea is a winner.

Attention Kurt Flodnoggle from Austria: I probably would not have thought of this idea on my own. Thank-you very much for the email. And I agree with you that if you married a Thai lady nurse or a Thai lady doctor you could have fascinating debates about whether Thai blood and farang blood is different. I personally think farang blood and Thai blood is identical but can 20,000,000 Thais be wrong?

10. Go to the same massage place (real massage–not that low class sex stuff) everyday and form relationships. I know of someone in Washington Square who recommends this. While the girls are massaging your feet they will listen to everything you say. Not. Of course they will not understand anything you say because you are not speaking Thai or Khmer but they will pick up your superior human vibes and fall in love with you. NOT.

Ok, well; I guess I've learned a lot. Ten ideas on how to meet that special Thai lady in Thailand. In the meantime:

I'll see you on the boardwalk.




Stickman's thoughts:

On the boardwalk, but for not much longer…