Readers' Submissions

A Fly On The Wall

  • Written by Anonymous
  • June 28th, 2011
  • 6 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


Hey Lurchai, how is it going?

Hi Somchai, good…good…good. Looking forward to the elections.

Is that so? I didn't know you were an activist.

Sure I was, don't you remember I was with the yellow shirts first then on the ramparts with you and the reds.

Ah yeah, but that was only for fun and games, nothing serious like democracy. So who you gonna vote for?

Dunno, it's a toss up between the boy and the girl, you know Chai and Ying. I'm actually partial to Ying as she looks good even at 44. Chai is a hansum man too but I'm not into katoeys.

What are you talking about? Chai is as straight as a lace. Like you and me. He is a bit crooked though when it comes to the truth but aren't they all?

Yep, I know what you mean so it'll come down to the money again as always. Will it be 200 baht this time?

Don't tell me you gonna sell your soul for a couple of red ones? Haven't we shed enough blood to change the course of history?

I dunno about history but I'm more concerned about my next meal and a drop of yaa dong, so I'll just put me hands out again and see who'll oblige.

Shame on you Lurchai, no wonder our country is going to the dogs. If it wasn't for the Farangs, Jackabotts, Kaeks and Japs we'd all be starving. I hope the next government puts out the welcome mat to all and sundry. Our sisters in arms are suffering too. Very slim picking these days, you know.

I even had to sell the buffalo the other day. My wife's Pua Noi, the Yerman, is thinking of divorcing her too. Man, have I got problems! I told her to put out at least twice a day and she says it's too hard. The guy weighs a ton. She says it's like wrestling with a buffalo. That's why I sold the beast; one buffalo is enough for her to look after!

You poor bastard! My daughter doesn't send enough money from Switzerland either. She says her husband is broke. Have you ever seen a Swiss broke? I think they're lying. I really hope Ying wins so Thaksin can come back and help the rural folk again. I need a new motorcycle, I crashed the other one while on an errand.

On an errand?

Yep, I just finished a bottle of Sang Tip and needed a refill so I jumped on the bike to go to the 7 Eleven and lo and behold a stray elephant ran me over. The bike was a write off but not a scratch on me. Go figure. Can't even claim compo from a farang, there wasn't one within cooey. Talking about farangs; I heard of a website called Stick something which seems to be spying on us.

What do you mean?

Well, maybe you could check this out since you can read but apparently someone is reporting all our conversation and posting them on Stick.

Ah yeah, you mean this guy under the name ”Airmail” who is relating our secrets?

What kinda bloody name is that?

Ah, it's not his real name, most of the Farangs who post their stories do so under a false name to safeguard their privacy. This way they can be indiscreet like this Airmail bastard and we can't touch him. Not that he is the only one. They have a guy calling himself Korski who documents his mongering and lectures everyone about the folly of falling in love with our sisters, then they have these military types like Bangkok Steve who insist he can plunder our best without paying for it, another called Chiang Mai Kelly who fought the Vietnam war all by himself and now teaches porn on You Tube and so on and so forth. All these guys by the truckload sending in their stories for no monetary gain. Can you imagine! The only guy who benefits is Stick, the more stories the more advertising he sells. I reckon we deserve some money for our inner most thoughts.

Yeah, so why don't you talk to Airmail about it?

I would if I knew where to find him. The bastard doesn't leave his email address. I bet he's got something to hide!

Yeah, don't they all? After all, why would they want to live here? They're probably hiding from the law in their countries. Anyways, why don't you write a story and send it into Stick? At least you can write while I need a scribe when I have to fill in a form.

You know what, I've actually written a story once, entitled “Somchai's night out” but Stick rejected it. He accused me trying to pose as a farang. He said he doesn't allow stories by wannabes. Since then I never wrote another word, he stifled my Muse.

What the hell is a “Muse”?

It's the woman who kisses you to get inspired to write.

Fuck me dead! When a woman kisses me I crack a fat and she's in for it.

Yeah, well I'm an artist and you're just a country bumpkin. You're apathetic too. No flair.

What the hell is apathetic?

It's kinda opposite of sympathetic. Like you're either for it or against it.

You sure you didn't mean emphatic?

What's the difference, you wouldn't understand that too. Your brain is suffering from atrophy.

Fuck you Somchai with your high falutin' words. I'm itching to punch your lights out!

You see Lurchai how dangerous it is to discuss politics with friends? We started to talk about the election and ow we're almost having fisticuffs.

I thought we were talking about erections. The two words always confuse me.

Yeah they confuse the farangs too. The other day I mentioned elections to this farang and he said he wants to buy some Viagra; do I have any? Blimey, he was fat, ugly and over 60 and still wanted to screw our gals. I told him I can supply Viagra and a virgin as a package deal and he believed me. How stupid are they?

Yep Somchai, they all came down in the last shower. Even me as an uneducated village idiot know that there are no virgins in Thailand any more.

Ok, so to get back on topic: who's going to win the Election?

I don't care Somchai, we'll still be in the same boat as before, paddling against the flow. So how about a few drinks before shut eye, hey?

Why not Lurchai, it's your shout !


Stickman's thoughts:

Lurchai and Somchai, always a good laugh!