Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts an Anecdotes Part 283

  • Written by Dana
  • April 2nd, 2011
  • 5 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

Greetings Stickmanbangkok. com aficionadoes and Dana Fan Club wannabes:

Question: Are you like me? Do you regret the final cultural conquest in America made by the dryer in the late 60's? The dryer? Yeah, the dryer dude–as in washer and dryer. Before every suburban house got a washer and a dryer clothes were hung outside to dry. And that included bras. Bras everywhere.

I used to work the neighborhood on a Saturday and a Sunday like a bra stealing ninja. Come Sunday night I'd have a bag of fresh bras under the bed. Step two: get out the Playboy magazines. Step three: pull out the bras and spread them all over the bed. Step four: roll around on the bras like a dog rolling around in filth while holding up the Playboy magazine with only one hand. Step five: ok, I think we all know what step five was.

So, are you like me? Of course you are. Everyone is. But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about today is another absolutely true story from my Pattaya personal life called Sheep Dip Tanks for Boardwalk Skanks followed by a historical look back at Thailand with a personal note. Enjoy.

SHEEP DIP TANKS FOR BOARDWALK SKANKS

I've got an Aussie acquaintance who is the South-East Asian Regional V. P. for an international exporter in Perth who is penetrating the 'sheep-dip-tanks-for-boardwalk-skanks' business in the Kingdom. Go figure–I attract guys like this. Anyway, my friend Fa is his on-site contact person in Pattaya and they are currently working on a demonstration to be held opposite the A. A. Hotel on August 14th. If you plan on attending this demonstration you need to know that . . . oops, that's not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is:

DANA, BLACK CANDY, AND PHOTOGRAPHY– PART TWO

Ok, wait a minute–I've got a little more time so I'll just wet your appetite a little more regarding the corporate and community festivities to be held on August 14, 2011 by the sheep dip tank company. Mr. Clueless Sangsong, the mayor of Pattaya will be there; Kuhn Corndog Thumbuphisass, the chief of police will be there; and Dag Galah, C. E. O. of Sheep Dip Tanks For Boardwalk Skanks Ltd. will be there. The ceremony will start with a fifty helicopter fly-over featuring drugged up high heeled trannies screaming and jackin' door mounted 50 caliber machine guns, colored smoke bombs, and fireworks followed by a 500 tranny parachute show. You knew that. Then ten forty foot tractor trailer trucks will arrive and start unloading the boardwalk honeys who have volunteered for the demonstration. Each girl will have a numbered placard hanging around her neck that will allow you to look up her name and medical issues in the four color hi-resolution brochures made available by various Aussie corporate simps. For example:

#26: Lon Gofukyu–head lice, crabs, condom stuck up inside her, nose boogers, chilies stuck in teeth.

#214: Boom Boom Benz– facial and genital herpes, green mold under floppy breasts, generalized cheese smell, and flies buzzing around her rear.

#72: Lim Fim (nicknamed 'Infection') — foot and ankle rash from Vietnamese tire tread sandals, bleeding eyebrows from obsessive plucking, festering needle puncture sites, and infected motorbike scars.

Note: Lim was an early volunteer for the program and she brought her mother, two children, and pet chicken for sheep tank dipping. What price a mother's love?

Note Number Two: this is maybe the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Thailand. Go figure.

Anyway, there will be a twenty foot Jumbotron screen so that you can see each girl enter and leave the dip tank. Remember, this is not a competition, it is only an exhibition–please, no wagering (Letterman). After leaving the tanks they will be allowed to run around in a special paddock set up on the beach before being inspected by a Thai physician who will attest to their new more healthy medical profile. Naturally, the medical exams will be Jumbotron events. It's all about science and hygiene and girls you could take home to mother. Feel the love.

So be there on August 14, 2011 because . . . oops, out of time. Now back to today's story:

DANA, BLACK CANDY, AND PHOTOGRAPHY–PART TWO

. . . oops, out of time again. Sorry. And now an essay and a bit of Thai historica titled?

TALKING TESTICLES

They say (no idea who 'they' is) that a good reason to travel is that it broadens the mind, and makes you a better person, and a better world citizen. Who does not hunger for that? But still, I find that one of the fantastically pleasurable things about travel is that it makes me feel so much smarter than 95% of the world. For example:

"The complex was abandoned after the tragic death of the king's wife. Queen Sunandakumariratra and her children drowned in the Menam River in 1880 in full view of her royal entourage. None of the entourage attempted to rescue them because, at the time, royal law demanded death to any commoner who dared touch royalty." (Carl Parkes)

Question: was this a tragedy or was this karma and stupidity finally crossing on the graph of life? I hate to get all superior and intelligent and politcally insensitive and colonialist and educated and paternalistic but this kind of jackass behavior and these kinds of boring cultures are why the word stupid is in the dictionary.

Go ahead, try to dissuade me from this point-of-view that I have. Oops, wait a minute–we'll have to engage in that lively interesting conversation later. My taxi just pulled up out front. I'm going to travel to the nation of Stupidland where the citizens believe that ghosts operate candy manufacturing facilities, and that a man's testicles can talk to one another. Boy, this is going to be great; another broadening experience, and another personal step towards being a good world citizen.

I love to travel.


Stickman's thoughts:

Never heard of the dryer dude before.