Dana’s Twilight Zone

Part 1 – Katoeys and other nightmares

It was a no star and no moon night as dark as my teeruk’s soul and the inside of the room at the Nana was obsidian black – but not so black that I could not see the gleam of the stainless steel Glock as she crept towards the bed. Just then three things happened: a gecko dropped from the ceiling, there was a thunderous boom from the Glock, and the bathroom door vaporised revealing a circle of brilliant white light. The circle of light is centred on the toilet. Dana sits majestically upon his throne. He is dressed in a long flowing gown, with a crown of thorns upon his head and a Sheppard’s crook in his right hand. A young beautiful and feminine Katoey snuggles into his lap. Despite being naked, she appears to be completely at ease. I am drawn to her large, round and perfectly sculpted breasts – a walking advertisement to the skill of her cosmetic surgeon! I briefly wonder at how her petite frame can support such a load. I doubt she stands more than five feet tall, nor weighs in excess of ninety pounds. Critically appraising the rest of her body, I am both fascinated and horrified in equal measure by the size of her endowment – ten inches absolute minimum!

Dana smiles whimsically, beckoning me to approach. I ease myself off the bed and into the darkness. A part of me cautions to stay where I am, but a stronger indeed irresistible force draws me on towards the light. Dana gently places the Sheppard’s crook on the floor and reaches out with both hands to greet me – or perhaps to claim my soul. I slowly advance towards the light and my destiny. As I enter the light our finger tips touch briefly. Then nothing – I am engulfed in all pervading blackness!

Part 2 – Starfish, octopuses, soi dogs and aquatic bargirls

The bamboo rose and fell. The bargirl screamed. The bamboo rises and falls again. Apparently a brutal punishment, albeit necessary – an integrate component of our overall plan. Dana nods, satisfied. He knows that the Whipping and Spanking Platoon, Company D, 262nd Regiment, 66th Monger Division of the Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tours will not fail in their duty.

Dana allows his mind to rewind by three months. This is when it all began. He had been taking a constitutional on that fateful day. Dana smiles to himself as he reminisces about his leisurely stroll around the Nana Hotel parking lot; infusing the sights, sounds and smells that are Bangkok. His smile fades as he recalls the sudden arrival of the police car, lights blazing and sirens wailing. Dana is bundled into the back of the police car and driven away at speed. There is no response to any of his questions. Either the policemen don’t know why they have been instructed to pick him up, or else they don’t care to enlighten him. Dana’s conscious is no more guilty than usual, so he relaxes and tries to enjoy the ride. Dana is confident that whatever local sensitivities he may have offended can be smoothed over through an appropriate donation to police funds. He is slightly concerned that he was not “taxed” at the kerbside. Dana knows that the further he progresses into the system the greater the required donation will be!

Dana estimates the police car has travelled about five miles before pulling off the road and into an underground car park serving an anonymous office block. The building is clearly not a police station. Dana is now a worried man! An image flashes across his mind. A single paragraph imbedded deep within the Bangkok Post.

“Man’s body found floating in the Chao Phraya River. Police are currently attempting to identify the body in order to notify next of kin. The cause of death has not been officially released. Eye witness accounts suggest the deceased was shot through the back of the head.”

As Dana ponders his fate, he is pushed through a side entrance into the office building and then led to an elevator. Dana and the three policemen ride the elevator to the 8th floor, exiting onto a carpeted corridor. Dana is then escorted down the corridor. The small procession halts outside a large set of double doors. The senior of the three policemen knocks respectfully on the left of the two doors, waiting for an acknowledgement before gesturing to Dana to enter. Once Dana steps into the room the door is quietly closed behind him.

Dana has entered a large conference room. There are three men seated behind the table facing him, two Thais’ and an American. The American stands and introduces himself as Ulysses S Arbuckle the Third – from the Embassy. The two Thais’ offer no introductions.

Arbuckle apologises to Dana for the way in which he was brought to the meeting. “This meeting is deniable and officially never took place, Bud. Wikileaks and all that – I’m sure you understand. Don’t worry, one of the Agency guys, sorry Cultural Attaches’, will drive you back to your hotel once we’ve had our little chat. Now, I expect you’re wondering what all this is about? Well, fact of the matter is it’s about Starfish!” Dana gapes at Arbuckle, struggling to comprehend what he has just been told!

“Yep, you heard me right” Arbuckle confirms, raising his hand to stem the anticipated question. “This is a delicate matter of some concern to my friends here from the TAT and the Tourist Police.” Arbuckle gestures towards the two Thais’ who nod somewhat sheepishly. “Over the past few years, Thailand has been getting fewer sex tourists from the civilised, sorry western countries, and more from places like India and Russia – expect you’ve noticed?” Dana concurs, dumbfounded. “Personally I’ve got nothing against these types, but it’s been bothering our Thai friends here, because frankly some of them are a bit tight-fisted.” The two Thais’ look at each other, questioningly. “kee-neeow”, Dana adds helpfully. The two Thai’s nod vigorously. “Now we at the Agency, sorry Embassy, realise there are number of reasons for the lack of western whoremongers’”, continues Arbuckle. “Some issues, such as adverse currency exchange rates, we can do little about. Well, except for starting a war off course. We might be working on that, but for the time being that’s highly classified! The Thais’ have told the Embassy that their main concern is that seasoned western sex tourists are progressively abandoning the Kingdom for alternative regional locations such as Cambodia and the Philippines. Seems that more and more of the girls bussed in from their Isaan farms are Starfish and the punters just don’t like it! So, that’s where you come in. We have it on good authority that you are a bit of an expert on the industry. The guys here are prepared to provide you with whatever you need to bring these girls up to speed. Whatever you need; money, facilities, immunity from prosecution? You name it, you got it!” Arbuckle raises his eyebrows at the two Thais’, who again nod vigorously. “Now what do you say? Are you prepared to serve the US national interest by helping out one of her allies in need? Good that’s settled then, never doubted your patriotism for a second!” Arbuckle stands up and shakes the astonished Dana by the hand, deliberately not allowing him an opportunity to respond. “Look forward to receiving your written proposal at the Embassy. Let’s say by close of business Friday next week shall we?” Dana senses movement behind him. His CIA driver has arrived to chauffeur him back to the Nana Hotel. The meeting is closed!

The next day I arrive in Bangkok with my teeruk, Nom. We share a fish supper with Dana. Dana tells us about his curious meeting with Arbuckle. He asks me whether I have any suggestions as to how he might resolve the Starfish problem. After a few moments thought, I suggest dog collars. “Dog collars”, Dana repeats, in a manner that implies I have taken leave of my senses. “Yes, dog collars”, I confirm. Realising that perhaps some further explanation is required, I tell him that I have in mind a special type of dog collar known as a shock collar. A shock collar (also known as an e-collar or electronic collar) is a generic term used to describe a family of electronic dog training collars designed to receive a radio signal. On activation, a shock collar will administer either a warning or a punishment to the wearer. A warning may be delivered in the form of a tone or vibration. A punishment is administered as an electric current, the intensity of which is preset by the owner. These devices are quite flexible and may be triggered automatically through the wearer’s proximity to a boundary wire. Alternatively, a shock collar may be configured to respond when the dog barks; delivering at first a warning, to be immediately reinforced by a punishment should the animal continue to misbehave. In its simplest form, a shock collar can be activated through a hand held device similar to a TV remote control.

Dana’s eyes light up as he realises the potential of such a device. Dana asks me if I have ever served in the military. I tell him that I have not. Dana then questions me on whether I understand why basic military training is designed to be harsh and degrading. I have a feeling he probably knows, so ask him to tell me. Dana explains that it is to break down a new recruit’s indiscipline, laziness, selfishness, resistance to authority, free thought and individualism. It is only by doing this that a soldier can be relied upon to always act in the best interests of the group (as defined by his commanding officer), follow instruction to the letter and obey orders without question. This type of training works by breaking the individual (a bit like an unschooled horse) and then rebuilding them to the military model. Dana then shares with me some of his own ideas on how to re-educate Starfish. We agree to work together. By the end of the evening, Dana and I have sketched out an outline strategy. Nom tells us we are both completely mad. Three days later we submit a detailed proposal to Arbuckle at the American Embassy. Arbuckle also thinks we are completely mad. Our proposal is accepted!

Dana has secured access to the Little Red Wagon (LRW), now renamed “The Starfish Express” – a play on words from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s rock musical “Starlight Express” and Alan Parker’s 1978 film “Midnight Express”. The appearance of the LRW has been transformed. A set of manacles has been affixed to the right hand side. On the left had side are a matching set of leg restraints. Secured behind the LRW are two chains, each approximately twenty five yards long. Running the length of both chains, a number of pairs of ankle shackles are attached at three foot intervals. In this way the LRW has been converted to support a brace of Starfish Express chain gangs.

Dana has drilled D Company thoroughly. They operate with military precision and efficiency. Four infantry soldiers pull on ropes, carefully guiding the LRW through the Soi’s in the Bangkok’s Patpong District. Dana rides on a white stallion a few paces to one side, shouting instructions and encouragement. The empty chains rattle along behind the LRW, throwing up an occasional spark. I am dressed as a 17th Century town crier and walk in front of the LRW ringing a large hand held bell. During the plague years In London I would have invited the householders to “bring out your dead”. In 21st Century Bangkok, I invite the bar owners to “bring out your Starfish”. A group of tourists gather, eager to see what will happen next. A large red-faced Farang bar manager exists from one of the many Go-Go’s, a protesting bargirl tucked under each arm. Two foot soldiers seize the first girl, pinning her arms by her side and marching her towards the LRW. As they reach the left hand side of the LRW, two more soldiers on the far side of the wagon grab her arms, pulling her face down across the wagon and securing her wrists in the manacles provided for this purpose. The original two soldiers then secure her ankles in the leg restraints on the left hand side of the LRW and withdraw. Two soldiers from Dana’s Whipping and Spanking Platoon, one left handed and the other right handed, then step forward. They stand behind and to either side of the shackled girl, each holding a light bamboo cane.

Dana holds out a large white handkerchief. The two whipping and spanking soldiers look towards him expectantly. On a downward sweep of Dana’s arm, the punishment commences. Each of the soldiers takes it in turn to whack the girl repeatedly. She screeches indignantly. The other bargirl still held by her Farang bar manager wails in sympathy. The crowd of tourists grows, all keen to see the show. They jostle for position, fighting for the best camera angle.

Unlike the severe punishments administered with a heavy rattan cane inside Lard Yao women’s prison, the spectacle Dana and I have arranged is actually a mild chastisement. We have chosen the bamboos’ carefully to ensure they leave no lasting mark on the girls. Like any good Sergeant Major, we wish to instil discipline and show our charges’ who is boss whilst inflicting the least possible pain and suffering. This has everything to do with loss of face, but not so much as to make the girls go crazy and thus become un-trainable.

After approximately twelve strokes of the bamboo, the first bargirl is released from her shackles and is dragged to the back of the LRW where she becomes the first captive of the Starfish Express chain gang. Shortly afterwards, and freshly chastised the second bargirl joins her. As the Starfish Express rattles from bar to bar, the chain gang quickly fills up. There are soon thirty or so girls following the Starfish Express, all doing the “convict shuffle” to avoid tripping up over their leg irons.

I have managed to secure a block of rooms within an aged and rather odious hotel in the Sukhumvit Road area. The rooms are perfect for our needs, insofar as they have no balconies or functioning air conditioning. At my request, the hotel manager has removed the televisions and fans from every room. It is here that we bring the girls on their first night of captivity, and where we plan to accommodate them for the duration of their training.

Initially, every girl is put in a room by herself. Where she is found to possess a mobile phone, then this is confiscated. We do not provide any information as how her training will be structured, nor indeed what will happen to her next. Although meals will be brought to their rooms for solitary consumption; the timing, quantity and quality of these meals will be irregular. Dana and I well understand that Thais’ are by nature social individuals who share a group mentality. As such they will find these living conditions extremely challenging, even for the short period of time we plan to incarcerate them. Once these hostile living conditions are relaxed, we believe the girls will embrace their training so as to avoid a further period of solitary confinement being imposed.

After two days and three nights of solitary confinement, it is time to progress to the next stage of their training. The televisions and electric fans are returned to the rooms, although the mobile phones remain confiscated. Additionally, regular meals are reinstated and the girls are allowed to dine together, albeit under the watchful eye of Company D who are ever present to prevent jail breaks. Each girl is also assigned a room buddy – a Katoey who will act as her friend, confidante and personal trainer. The Katoeys’ are pivotal to the success of this project, insofar as they understand both male and female sensuality. Their brief is simple, to transform our static and passive Starfish into free moving and active Octopuses! To assist our Katoeys’ with their task, each girl is fitted with a shock collar. Whilst able to communicate with their charges like a big sister, the bitchiness of the average Katoey is such that they prove much more willing to zap their students than would a male instructor.

After three days of intensive instruction from their big sisters, our Starfish are deemed ready to take their final examination. Unsurprisingly the examiners are drawn from the eager ranks of D Company. Every girl is assessed separately by three examiners, all of whom must be satisfied by her performance. Dana and I are extremely proud when all pass with flying colours.

We hold a passing out banquet during which the girls’ mobile phones are returned to them. Dana has thoughtfully had a special medallion struck in honour of the occasion. On one side is Dana’s portrait in boom-boom reverie and on the other is an Octopus with a dead Starfish inside its gut. The girls are called up individually to be presented with their medallions. There are congratulatory speeches and much ribaldry. The Katoeys’ put on a concert party and the evening ends with karaoke.

The Starfish programme, as it becomes known, is a roaring success. Dana and I develop and refine the programme before handing over operational responsibility to D Company’s platoon leaders. On return to their respective bars, our graduates wear their medallions with pride. Word soon gets around and our girls are able to charge a premium rate for their services. Some of the girls even develop an affinity for their shock collars – begging their customers to zap them during moments of heightened passion. Similar to the ladies who stand to the left of the yellow line in the Eden Club, girls prepared to wear the collar are much in demand. Indeed they are often sold as such, with their Mama-Sans’ able to charge a higher bar fine from which the girls are paid a commission Dana, ever the entrepreneur, commissions an ultra chic Channel style shock collar for sale to the bar owners.

Seeking out new markets for the shock collar, Dana persuades the TAT to lobby for a new law requiring the compulsory fitting of collars to all Soi Dogs within the tourist areas. Dana then secures a monopoly for renting out zappers compatible with all Soi Dog shock collars. These zappers prove to be a must have accessory for many Farangs’, both resident and tourist alike. It becomes a common sight to witness a pack of Soi Dogs snapping around the ankles of an early morning runner to suddenly scatter in all directions, howling and whining in distress.

It was to be a while before I see or hear from Dana again. Intent on exploiting worldwide demand, Dana returns to his homeland to market his chic shock collars to the fetish market. Meanwhile, I am preoccupied with pursing my own business opportunities here in Thailand.

As a birthday treat, I arrange for my teeruk Nom to spend a day swimming with dolphins. Whilst she is away, I indulge my passion for scuba diving. My Dive Master has obtained an electric motorised propulsion system for swimmers and divers. He invites me to try it out. The equipment comprises of a pair of leg-mounted units each containing a sealed electric motor and propellers providing thrust, manoeuvrability and hands-free operation. A control box containing a motor variable speed control is attached to the swimmer's body. A battery unit simulating a diver's weight belt is secured on the back of the swimmer. Electrical power and signal cables connect the control box to the battery unit and to the propulsion motor housings. The unit works well and I enjoy an excellent day’s diving.

Nom returns from her treat full of the joys and delights of her adventure. I realise there is potential to combine our respective experiences into a lucrative business opportunity. Hence, “Swimming with Bargirls” is conceived! Within a month I have a team of twelve fully trained aquatic bargirls. I have also secured an evening rental for the huge swimming pool located at the Hard Rock Cafe hotel in Pattaya. My girls are able to do everything that a dolphin can, but additionally offer treats and services that even the most perverse would never wish to engage in with a dolphin. My business is a roaring success and I am soon training more girls and seeking out new venues. Despite my best efforts, I am completely unable to cope with the pent-up demand, so I decide to franchise my business model through a number of approved agents. Very soon there are “Swimming with Bargirls” outlets operating throughout the Kingdom. I sit back and watch the money pour in. I am rich and contented. My teeruk Nom is rich and greedy – she wants to steal my business. I have made a fatal mistake. Never be worth more to her dead than alive!

The headline in the Bangkok Post alerts me to the fact that my friend Dana is in big trouble. It would appear that a batch of his chic shock collars have a lethal manufacturing fault. Instead of delivering a modest electrical current for the titillation of the fetish market, they pack a deadly 20,000 volt charge. A number of people die, including a Texas Congressman’s wife who expires during a sex game with her young lover. Lurid reports describe how she dies with smoke pouring out of all orifices, sizzling like a spit roast pig. The Congressman is seeking re-election and the scandal threatens to cost him his seat. The Congressman has a lot of powerful and influential friends. Someone must pay! Dana is charged with a capital offence. Inexplicably, Dana makes no attempt to defend himself. Indeed he appears to accept, almost welcomes his fate. The Texan court sentences Dana to death. Dana fails to lodge an appeal against sentence or conviction.

Part 3 – Dana’s secret

Below is the last statement and testament made by Dana before his death sentence was carried out in a Texas penitentiary in the United States. Following the 'Do You Have Any Last Words' quote that appears below is the story of how he ended up in a Texas penitentiary and why he was given the death sentence and what matter of mind would have made such a last statement. It is interesting to note that on the day of his death protesters outside the prison were equally divided shouting either DANA IS SATAN or DANA IS GOD.

Prisoner's Last Words: 'To state the obvious: You and I are not equal. You are ordinary. I am a neutrino god. Sometimes I have mass and sometimes I do not have mass; but I always have more weight than you. I am a god. You are the issue of loins that thought voting was important. I am stardust without blood or hope or time. We will meet in opposition. It can not be any other way. The physics of evolution and Darwinism and Danaism. I am from the darkside of the Torndule galaxy in the fourth spiral of the Gorndorf nebula arm. My stay on Earth will be short but your names are on the list. The moments of our meeting in an altered state of immolation for you and time-space hiccup for me will be your moment of glory. You can not prepare for this, only accept. No need to wash my feet. Just follow the others. Don't worry that your public embarrassments and bleatings of the past will be held against you. Nothing will be held against you. Nothing you did in your tiresome mammalian sojourn on earth counted. You are now a part of me. And I am stardust. Just follow.'

There are those that feel that the likes of Dana should be put down or at the very least kept from breeding. But to beat your enemy you have to know your enemy. The secret to Dana is invention, innovation and having fun!

Part 4 – Never be worth more to her dead than alive

The reason the bar was called the Cyclops Bar was that all of the Go-Go dancers only had one eye. And it was in the middle of their foreheads. I guess that's where you would expect it to be. But that wasn't what got Chiang Mai Kelly's attention. What got his attention was hanging by a hook behind the bar counter. It was me, and I also have only one eye. My one eye is chiselled into my skull by the bullet fired from my teeruk’s Glock!

Dana sits alone at a small circular table in the middle of the Cyclops Bar. There is a large gecko perched on his left hand shoulder. A waitress brings over two bottles of beer which she leaves on Dana’s table. Dana waves to Chiang Mai Kelly, inviting him across for a drink. I don’t know why Chiang Mai Kelly is in the bar. He must have his own story to tell. This is my story! The moral of my story is; never be worth more to her dead than alive!

As I observe the two of them from my vantage point behind the bar counter the brilliant white light returns. It illuminates both Dana and the table. I call out to Chiang Mai Kelly repeatedly, warning him not to enter the light.

I can’t say whether Chiang Mai Kelly hears me, nor indeed how the story ends – if it ever ends! This is Dana’s secret. The secret to Dana is invention, innovation and having fun! “Always expect the unexpected”. This is my motto and maybe Dana’s too? Dana has provided ten routes into his Twilight Zone, but no escape!