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Hookers on Wheels Part 2

  • Written by Expat-Matt
  • February 19th, 2010
  • 4 min read


I never expected this story to have a second installment. I certainly never expected it to have an ending that will keep me laughing for a lifetime. This writing may wander a bit, but the ending is priceless. Literally.

Sitting here in my apartment after work can be entertaining enough as my neighbors wander home from wherever they've been. The hallways are all tile here, and the clicking of high heels is a very familiar sound outside the door. Tonight was a more interesting sound. A knock at the door always get's my interest, especially at 3:00am. I checked the door and sure enough there's the hooker that had given me a ride home on the motorbike a few nights before and provided the interesting conversation. She says she just wants to talk, and this time she has a friend. Now, keep in mind that I already know her game and she actually gets more money every month from her "sponsor/dumbass" than I get in my monthly paycheck. "Hmmmm", I'm thinking to myself. "This is getting interesting, and possibly a little dangerous."

I weighed the options for a few seconds, and decided to let them in. The night manager must have recognized her from the other night and let her up the stairs. I'll need to have a little chat with him about that. They came in and we talked for a few minutes about how her night had been. Her friend didn't really speak any English, and just sat there watching TV. Now, the motorbike girl starts coming on a little strong. She's getting up close and personal suggesting a three way and has a firm grip on my hardware. Same as before, I tell her that I have no money, and she tells me "no problem, I want to". Let's face it, as much as we'd all like to believe that these things happen, THEY DON'T. Something is amiss and I quickly realize that the two of them are playing a shell game with my wallet. The last thing I want is a couple pissed off hookers in my apartment, so I start playing the "stupid farang who misplaced his wallet" routine. As if by magic, it reappears again in my chair.

The girls start acting offended saying "we no steal" and "you check everything". After checking the contents of my wallet and a quick visual inventory of my apartment, I apologized (albeit with a sly grin). They picked up their purses and left saying they would not return. I was far from heartbroken, but I'm actually hoping they will and here's the reason why. The contents of my wallet were not complete when I examined them. I never keep anything of real value in my wallet, and use it more as a decoy than anything. Having lived the last couple of years in China and southeast Asia, I've learned my way around pickpockets. No matter how clever they are, thieves tend to be lazy and will always take the easiest target. I just try to make sure that the number one target has little or no value. This strategy has saved my a few headaches, and provided me with a few laughs on occasion.

Now, I will need to backtrack about 36 hours.. While walking home from a friend's house the other day, I spotted a 1000 baht note laying on the sidewalk. I picked it up and soon realized that it was not real. It was play money for a kid's card trading game. At first glance it looks like the real thing, but there is an anime cartoon character on it instead of the king. Last night I took it to show a friend of mine who owns a bar. He asked me to try and trick his bartender with it. I folded it in half to hide the cartoon face and went to pay my 200 baht tab. Within seconds, I had my 800 baht change in real money. I promptly took the change back to my friend (the owner) who went over to teach his bartender a lesson and get my fake money back.

Now, back to the hookers and my wallet. The only thing missing from my wallet was my fake 1000 baht note!! Yes, it seems that my rather hasty pickpocketing guests had not bothered to check the validity of the currency they were stealing from me. I'm going to get a good giggle for a long time about that one, and had a really hard time keeping a straight face during the ordeal. I only wish I could be a fly on the wall when they went to try and spend it. I really doubt this saga will have a part three, but I'm sure it will be interesting if it does. Thankfully I had the forethought to take a few pictures of the "funny money" to email a friend of mine the day I found it.


Once again another thing off my list "Get mugged by Thai hookers for Thai monopoly money…CHECK!!"

Stickman's thoughts:

No comments as I am busy like crazy.