Stickman Readers' Submissions February 18th, 2010

A Dangerous Situation

A couple of weeks ago I was in a rather odd if not dangerous situation. I have thoroughly searched through your website and haven't found any accounts of a similar incident, so thought I'd run it past you…

For background, I'm 31 and live in London. I have a good professional job, which allows me to work part time and I spend half the year travelling. I'm no Casanova but have been in plenty of relationships with attractive girls from home.

He Clinic Bangkok

I've been seeing a bar girl from Patpong on and off for over a year. I shall call her Kim for this submission. I didn't meet her in the bar but at a nightclub in Bangkok (The gogo bars have never really been my scene, nor has prostitution). We got talking and she was very frank with me – she worked in a gogo bar, she had a son, was married previously to a Thai man and came from Khon Kaen. I told her I was not interested in going out with her for those very reasons. I carried on my travels and was passing back through Bangkok a few weeks later. I went back to the same nightclub a few times and eventually bumped into her again, the drinks were flowing, we got talking and well you know the rest… I enjoyed her company and her brutal honesty lured me in, from the obvious lies that I'd heard from so many of the Thai girls. Some odd sort of a relationship formed. I liked her a lot and felt sorry for her situation. But common since began to kick in so after a few days I told her I didn't want to see her anymore as she worked in a gogo bar – so she offered to quit immediately. I was stunned – and agreed to give the relationship a chance if that was the case. We then spent the next month together everyday – I have to admit I was very happy, I went to visit her family and I suppose we or at least I fell in love. Eventually I had to return to London to work for 6 weeks but promised I'd be back. So with a sorry heart off I went.

As the days passed, again common sense began to surface from the happiness I remembered back in Thailand so I started doing a little research. I may have been naive to the Patpong nightlife, but I'm not naive to women and I simply couldn't believe that a beautiful girl could become so infatuated with me so quickly. Thus I found your website (A great source of info btw so thanks!) So reading account after account of the same scenario that I went through I figured I'd been duped, although I hadn't given her money I guess she was on a long term strategy. I thought I'd test anyway to see for myself, I set up a fake email account and sent her a message, impersonating a previous client that she told me about. Sure enough she fell hook line and sinker and was happy to meet up and come away on holiday with my created punter- I was gutted but certainly wasn't surprised! I ended it there and then and thanked my lucky stars that I hadn't been financially ripped off. <Bright ladStick> She was very upset and I didn't hear from her for a while.

After 6 weeks I did return and went on a rampage with the local girls, I still wasn't going to the gogo bars but did attend many of the nightclubs where the girls are generally working, or come to have fun if they haven't had there barfine paid for the night. I was virtually always able to go with a girl and I would always make it very clear that I was not willing to pay a baht. Sometimes the less attractive girls would actually offer cash for me to stay with them (May well have been a scam – I never took them up on the offer). I never lied to these ladies and admitted several times that I still had some feelings for Kim. We would often talk about their lifestyle and I learnt a lot in those days about the psyche of these girls, and how much of a collision course my western values and their culture was on. It always seemed to boil down to the fact that as I never took care of Kim financially, she would not be able to stop prostituting herself, and as I later found out, returning to the bar to work again.

CBD Bangkok

Time passed, I continued to travel, and return to work in London and would always find myself drawn back to BKK. I saw Kim a few times and after her initial tendencies to get hideously drunk at the sight of me eventually we began talking again. I didn't lie to her about what I'd been up to and any questions she asked I answered. She opened up and began telling me that she had returned to work and of course again we began down the slippery road of seeing each other again. Whilst I have never felt the same as I once did, I cannot deny that I still had feelings for her. I asked if I could take care of her if she believed she could leave the prostitution behind. Of course she jumped at the idea. I knew she would, I think it would be safe to say I have more money than sense, but I was intrigued to find out what could become of the situation, and I decided on a safe figure that would be acceptable money to write off. However I explained I could not trust her 100% yet and would require her to change SIM cards and allow me to access her email (which a scribe wrote and received mail for her). She was reluctant but eventually gave way to my wishes. She also created a new email account, but was unaware of my knowledge of it, I assume she has another phone number too but I have no proof.

So we carried on. When I was regularly in Thailand she'd stay with me wherever I wanted to go. When I went to London she'd return to Khon Kaen – I could contact her on her mobile or the landline at her home that she had volunteered to me. However after a longish period in London, I felt it was never going to work and she could never be the person I at first thought she was. So I called her and ended it again.

When I returned to Bangkok I met her with the intentions of collecting a few of my possessions that evening. She asked me to spend some time with her. Initially I refused but after a few days I changed my mind. I'm not entirely sure why but I couldn't deny that for all the girls I had been with from different parts of the world and home, I just wanted Kim more. Also you remember I mentioned that Kim had a second email address. Well, eventually I got access to it and discovered that when we were together and I was 'taking care' of her financially she had dropped all correspondence with any clients she may have had before. It seemed, on the surface at least, that she was trying to change her ways. We spent some time together and she asked If I would come and see her family again. I agreed but a friend of mine was travelling and I asked if she'd mind him coming too – she agreed and was very excited about two Farang going to her home.

So this is where my story finally gets to the point. I understand what you've read so far is a common story and I know what your thoughts are on relationships with bar girls, it's what happened next that I 'd like some help with…

After the 3 of us arrived at her home on the overnight bus we had a quick breakfast beer with the family and went to sleep. Me and her in one room and my friend in another.

wonderland clinic

I woke up to some shouting outside the typical farmer's house. She had left the room.

I put my clothes on, but remained in the bed. The next thing I remember is a big Thai man charging into the room and punching me in the face. It was Kim's (ex?) husband. I scrambled to my feet and then half of Kim's family poured into the room along with Kim herself. He started shouting at me "My wife!" and " Muay Thai!!" The message was clear. Now I'm never one for a fight, and I had the good sense to know I was in an extremely vulnerable situation. I'm a strong believer, especially in a country that I don't understand well, to back down. So I kept my eyes down towards the ground and defensively retreated out of the room. I looked up as Kim's family were arguing with him and I caught a glimpse of his rage as Kim punched him squarely in the face. Now I know how painful that can be as once before I remember her landing one on me after I had left her in a nightclub after an argument. I was shepherded out of the house where my friend was and away from the building and could hear the shouting of the whole family inside.

Half an hour later a family friend with a car came to take us away from the home and we stayed away until he'd left. Then we returned to the house a few hours later gathered our belongings and left with Kim for refuge in the city.

A few points

– I am told he came to house to see his son during the celebration of children, and apparently he wanted to see his and Kim's son.

– Kim had always told me they were married before, never officially registered but had a 'country wedding'. They split up some years previously, after he slept with her friend during Kim's pregnancy, and finally she could no longer tolerate his frequent cheating.

– When we returned he had taken Kim's phone. It was lying by the bed and during the commotion we figured maybe it had just been kicked somewhere, so I rang it several times but with no answer. Later I received a text message from him in bad English from her phone, I think the points he was trying to make was that she is a liar and greedy, and that when I'm in England she sleeps with him. Then the number didn't work again.

My questions

1) I understand that many bargirls have Thai husbands and/or boyfriends who are fully aware of the girl's actions. If that is the case why on earth would he want to attack me if I was funding his and her lifestyle?

2) Could it all have been an act with all the family involved to make it look like they were not together!? (I'd never questioned her at the possibility that they were still together) Surely not after his text message – maybe a double bluff?

3) Can I ever safely return to her family home or is he likely to try and kill me in the future?

4) Have you heard a similar story before? If so could you point me to it?

5) Would it be worth informing others of these events?

If you would like any more details please feel free to email me and thanks in advance for any info.



Stickman's thoughts:

Kim, wittingly or unwittingly – we will never know, put you in a very dangerous situation. Kim's propensity for violence and her history of lying to you and making errors of judgment reinforce to me that she is not suitable for a long-term relationship. I really do think you should cut your losses. I would not return to the village and frankly, as there seems to be little chance of this going anywhere, I would cut your losses and move on. Yes, this was a dangerous situation and if you pursue her, what could happen next time?

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