Readers' Submissions

Hello Pilgrim



Not all opinions are created equal. When I have a medical problem I go the a doctor. If it is a big problem I go to a specialist.

These people have gone to school and passed tests and are certified.

Why should bar girl advice be any different?

It’s like the Margaret Mead hoax which is still being taught in some American colleges.
Mead got to Samoa 1925 without any knowledge of the language. She did not live with the Samoans and left after nine months. What she took away was later revealed to be little more than an adolescent prank. Later, after six years of field work on Samoa, scholars concluded Coming of Age in Samoa stands as the worst example of “self-deception in the history of the behavioral sciences, almost everything Mead said about Samoan behavior was dead wrong.

Mead’s distortion has been traced to girls who made up the sorts of stories that they sensed Mead wanted to hear. So the girls tried to please Mead. In the end, Mead is unmasked as a dupe and a fraud. The debate still rages goes on.

In an ideal world truth would replace falsehood, but that rarely happens.
Most of the pontificators about sex in Thailand know nothing about sex in Thailand, much like Margaret Mead knew nothing about Samoa.

To try to prevent a reoccurrence of the Mead hoax I have tried to put together an evaluation form to measure the knowledge of persons who seek to evaluate bar girls and the bar girl industry.

Bar Girl Expert Test
1. Do you speak Thai? Give yourself 20 points.
2. Do you read and write Thai? 10 points
3. Do you speak Lao or at least all the words that a love relationship may require? This includes body parts and banking terms. 10 points.
4. 24 hour periods spent with a whore while she was working (with other customers besides yourself) if you don’t speak Thai. 0.0136986 per day.
5. 24 hour periods spent with a whore while she was working (with other customers besides yourself) if you do speak Thai. 0.027397 per day.
6. 24 hour periods living in a brothel if you don’t speak Thai. 0.0136986 per day.
7. 24 hour periods living in a brothel if you do speak Thai. 0.027397.
8. Consecutive 24 hour periods spent in Pattaya. 0.0027397.
9. If you were married to a hooker while she was working (with other customers besides yourself). 1 point per year.
10. If you owned and/or managed a bar or go go or brothel without a mama san. 1 point per year.
11. If you ran a bar girl detective agency give yourself 1 point per year.

This should give one a basis for comparing advice.

You may wonder how I wrote the list and is there a person with 100%? Yes, I know 10 people with 100%. They know everything about bar girls. I am not kidding. I am not trying to fool you. One is from the UK and owns a couple places in Pattaya and a couple in London. One is a Canadian who owns two places in Pattaya and works off shore. Another is a Swiss fellow who owns one place in Pattaya that I know of. The others live close to Pattaya but not in Pattaya.

I usually agree with most of the assertions that Stick makes in his weekly column. Sometimes, however I wonder how he has arrived at his opinions, especially recently.
Stick has been here a long time, speaks Thai and certainly knows a lot about bar girls. So how could he say some of the things he does. I wondered.

I considered the things I knew about women, whores, mothers and daughters. Sure women use deviousness and men use strength. It works – keeps things in balance. But Thai bar girls are different than whores in other countries. Good different and bad different. Nevertheless different. Bars are different, strip joints are different and short time places are different. All of these things go into the mix.

How do you get a handle on it? How would you learn about anything? It is no different than anything else.

Unless you watch a number of bar girls work daily for an extended period of time you simply don’t know much about it. You have to watch them from the inside. When they come home at night. When they don’t. What they do after work. Who they call. Who they see. What are they like in the morning? You have to live with them. When the ladies are not working they are different.

Working bar girls have boyfriends and husbands. Some are Thai and some are Farang. These are the guys who know the girls.

You want to know how a brothel works? Live in one. You learn less managing one. Living there you become a fixture after a while and no one notices you.

Who do you think Thai momma sans go to when they want to find new employees fast? Me.

Stick knows a lot. But he doesn’t know which girls change their undies after short time. Stick is a straight arrow, not into the sleazy, kinky world of Pattaya and Thai brothels. After all he is from NZ.

So who should you listen to if you have a question?

If you can’t score 50 points on my test, best not to talk about bar girls in any way except to tell a story.

Don’t draw any conclusions, they’ll be wrong. Don’t try to form any opinions they’ll be wrong.

So, pilgrim do you want to be a BGG (Bar Girl Guru)? It’s like a cattle drive way back when. When you start you will be a greenhorn but by the time you are finished you will be a driver.

Dana and I do escorted tours but they are not cheap. Actually, Dana is cheap because he lives in a box on beach road but I am not cheap. Dana also does cheap women and persons who look like women. So do I but I don’t do one at a time. The expenses break down like this. Dana’s expenses 700 baht a day. That includes 3 beach road bimbos, curbside breakfast lunch and dinner, lodging and a putty knife. You can ask Dana what the putty knife is for. My expenses are 17,500 baht a day. So, for a total of 18,200 baht a day you get the complete Pattaya experience. Minimum stay is 30 days. Guaranteed after 30 days you will no longer be a pilgrim.

The daily routine, at first a bit bizarre eventually will become habit. You are going to get up early. “The early bird gets the worm” (that is a Dana quote) ha ha ha. You kick Dana’s box to wake him up and then go to breakfast. You and Dana do the Beach the road boogie till 5:00 PM. No civilized person gets up before 5:00 PM in Pattaya. Dana isn’t civilized. If Dana was civilized he would like Boston. He is supposed to escort you to Soi Six but he can never find it so you will be on your own to meet me there. Assuming you get there I will check you into your very own whore house. That’s right pilgrim you are going to live in a Soi Six whore house. Knowing who changes they’re undies after short time is important. You will sharing in a room with Boom, Ying, Ping and Pong. Don’t worry you will get used to sleeping with four hookers in no time.

Then we will start your Thai lessons. That girl sitting between your legs with the braces is the facilitator. When you get a word right she will kiss it. When you get a word wrong she will bite it. Her name is Ouch. You will be surprised at your growing proficiency in Thai.

From Soi Six we will head to Soi LK Metro where we will rent you a crash pad. You always have to have an ace in the hole in case you can’t get it up nightly for Boom, Ying, Ping and Pong. They get angry if you don’t do them nightly. Sometimes it is better to run than to try to explain. After Soi LK Metro you will find out about 3rd road and Soi Cheap Charlie and the Joys of late night Pattaya.

Week three you will even become acquainted with the dark side of Pattaya. After a month no one will call you pilgrim. You will know what to wear, how much to spend, where and who to eat, and the answers to all of the eternal questions like, “Do girls who work BJ bars really make good wives?”

Stickman's thoughts:

In all seriousness, if you Dana and Chiang Mai Kelly teamed up, I cannot imagine how kinky things would get.