Of Angels and Ogres
Where I now reside in Wiltshire, UK, ten minutes away there is a huge Asda superstore and in the other direction a big car boot sale every Sunday. On the weekend, a surprisingly large number of Thai and Filipina women come out to play, attracted by the
bargain basement prices. Most of these ladies are already married and hardly recognizable as the svelte babes you might find in Bangkok, Manila, Pattaya or Angeles City. I know, there are plenty of tubby Asians in the Far East but these women
actually look thuggish with it, as if all the bullshit they have come out with over their lives has somehow bloomed throughout their bodies. In their ruination, it has to be said, they do perfectly match their aged husbands, who tend to look
out of place unless they are loitering on some desperate council estate surrounded by empty beer bottles.
There are exceptions to this, but even the most newly arrived and formerly sexy Oriental goddess seems somehow diminished by the cold, wet British climate, the bloom taken out of her skin – or perhaps they are suffering severe culture shock or just missing their local husband. I don't know what it is but I am somehow not turned on by even the most attractive of these Asian women when they are in the UK. Perhaps it is just that their very presence in the UK indicates they already know too much.
And yet, when I took the last Thai girlfriend (aka the Happy Hooker) to the UK she always seemed to look even sexier and happier, freed from the highly destructive vectors of family and local Thai boyfriend's greed and ever sillier machinations. The coolness of the climate tended to excite rather than destroy her, and occupation of my three bed semi-detached house got her mind zooming along with future possibilities. I sold that property near the top of the market, so god knows how she would react to my newish four bed detached abode hopefully purchased near the bottom of the market.
Of course, I did not marry her and then experience a sudden change in character, temperament and sexual availability – I kid you not, I know two English guys who married Thai b-gals and were told immediately that they were not going to get any more sex! Frightening. I suspect that a lot of Asian women married to men they have no love for, pile on the weight as a kind of psychic revenge – and which elderly, obese farang is going to complain when the nearest and dearest has that crucial marriage certificate?
Although I am in my fifties, I have the same 29 inch waistline I had when I was eighteen, and have no tolerance for tubbiness in women, other than as a temporary passing state in tribute to pregnancy. I have been in three long-term relationships with Thai girls and they all left the relationship in a better physical state than they entered it, one after more than a decade and dropping two kids. I suppose it might have something to do with making love most days, though I have to say, these days, that I look forward to those restful five to seven days when the gal has her period, not to mention the medicinal aid of taking a quarter tab of Vitamin V.
I found the first three months of my enforced exile to the UK quite exciting and amusing (having spent most of the last twenty years lounging around in Thailand) – the freedom of not having to worry what about what the Happy Hooker and her Thai boyfriend were planning next for my, er, entertainment and just having loads of time and money to indulge myself. I would not recommend a return to the UK unless you have plenty of dosh and somewhere to live, as job prospects for fifty-something reprobates who have not been properly employed since they were thirty are not good.
The fourth month was hard going, though. It coincided with the Happy Hooker's birthday and in a moment of insanity or loneliness or just plain stupidity I sent her a short poem via SMS. I half expected to be ignored or receive a F…k You in response but a minute or so later the mobile trilled away and she told me to ring her back. In the UK, Three Mobile allow you to use Skype on your phone free of charge (except for Skype's own charges, of course) so I had no excuse for not phoning her back.
You have to laugh, right? I have no doubt that her tale or woe was more or less true, as she knew I could, if I wanted, check things out. Turns out she had been knocked off her motorcycle, whacked her head and ended up in a coma for a few days. Of course, my first concern was for the bike, as I had ridden it about 30,000 kilometres without incident and it was something of an old friend – certainly more trustworthy than most Thai gals, anyway. It was a write-off, sad to say. The Happy Hooker had spent a month in hospital, ending up with a mind-bending bill that made her sell her house at a grave discount. Basically, she lost half her net worth.
In the last days of our relationship, I had warned her that her local man would take her down quickly if we finished – it wasn't just a case of buying him some new outfits to replace his tramp's clothes, he had been waiting for so long at the minimum he would expect a nice new pick-up truck to revive his face. What is really frightening about the accident, a previous Thai girlfriend had ended up in exactly the same state – only that time her new American boyfriend beat the shit out of her and ended up paying the hospital bills as well as enjoying a long stay at the Bangkok Hilton for attempted murder.
This kind of thing tends to reaffirm my belief in karma… anyway a number of phone calls followed with the Happy Hooker, who demanded my return to Thailand ASAP. Being eternally optimistic or just plain stupid, my mind mulled over the possibilities of a whack on the head knocking some much needed sense into her or perhaps extended exposure to her Thai boyfriend would reveal that he was not the man she once knew and loved? Physically and mentally wrecked by a diet of whisky lao and desperate to make face for himself, he would surely reveal his true colours (not to mention that he had a relationship with another, younger Thai girl).
Apparently not, as every time I asked what happened to her Thai man her response was that she could not remember him, resultant from the whack on the head and surgery. Readers may recall that this was the guy who'd arranged for his Mafia mate to try to shoot me whilst I was lounging in a Patpong bar! I do like to think that eventually I learn from experience – it is surprising the number of farang who just keep doing the same stupid things over and over again.
The last conversation I had with her revealed no change in attitude. First, she suggested that I might like to come to Thailand just to short-time her. I replied that for me it was either hundred percent or nothing. Towards the end of the conversation, she revealed that some other guy she had met was due to arrive and if I came at the same time she would not be able to see me (unless presumably I was willing to settle for short-time sex) and I said up to you, and then a quick good bye. Wonderful things phones, that little red button. Fifteen minutes later she phoned up to tell me not to be angry and that she had not meant what she said, that she really did not like the other guy (Brit as it happens) and wanted to finish with him.
It was with a sense of relief that I binned the SIM, obviously no helping some people. If she had said sorry and admitted her various offences I might've got my head around reinventing the relationship! The end of that merry interlude perked me up again rather than depressing me further and I kept busy finishing off decorating the house and changing a large utility room into an office. The plan, rent out the house and use the income to lounge around in the Far East – a trick I'd performed with my previous property.
I have already purchased a cheap Air Asia flight to Kuala Lumpur for the end of November, that leaves me with a large choice of Asiatic destinations – I am still not totally convinced that I should head for the Philippines, having some bad experiences there in the past and the current economic malaise will have made things even more desperate, but the month before I go I will do some intensive matchmaking on one of the dating sites to see if any possibilities turn up who will overcome my reservations.
Meanwhile, it is a cold, wet and rather dismal day here in the UK and I am looking forward to playing the next stage of the Great Game!
When she is up to no good, giving her the chance to come clean and apologise almost never works with Thais. It's not something they're comfortable doing and rather just try to defer it and proceed as if it never happened. Some saps seem to accept this…