Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 214

DANA'S BEDS

Ever consider the difference between the real world and the world that counts: aka Pattaya?

Consider beds. Beds can be twin size, full size, queen size, king size, or California King size; and they can have or not have different kinds of headboards, and footboards, and rails. There are issues of foam density, and number of coils, and wire size. Oh, but there is more. Much more. Coils can be pocketed, sides can be shot full of liquid foam, mattresses can be without coils entirely and have space age memory foam from Sweden, and box springs can be low or standard or high or split or . . . it is endless. Mattress tops can be firm or soft or pillow soft.

And then there are the accessories: the commission salesman's friend. Allergy covers, and mattress pads, and pillows and . . . endless. Did you know every bed should have six pillows? And these pillows should be replaced every six months for health reasons? That's what the bed people say anyway. Must be true. Pillows can be latex, or foam, or cotton, or two sided with internal springs: endless again. Loading up the bed purchase with high commission extras is called Stuffing the Bag. Anyway, beds can be adjustable, and motorized, and they can vibrate. Custom sizes? Sure, if you have the money we will make any goddamned bed you can think of.

Want to spend $19,000 for a queen size bed? No problem dude. Different designer legs, replaceable modular mattress inserts, your choice of color swatches, or leather in any color. I'll send you to the store in Boston that can help you with this. Oh, by the way; no returns.

How about custom beds? Sure, here are some ideas . . .

1. Mattress with air bladders that fart and moan when you move for party fun. No problem.

2. Shrunken gerbil heads sewn on the sheets on a one foot grid for the perverted.

3. Headboards and footboards with video equipment to preserve fond memories. Hey, it's a modern world. Get with the program.

4. Little bits of barbed wire in the sheets for the masochistic.

5. Fully accessorized models with dildoes, Wa Wa beads, lube ejection ports, vibrators, etc. Try all of this in one of our twin size beds for that Dickens In An Attic experience, then jump to one of our King size pillowtops for that More Money Than God experience. That's right. Buy two beds.

6. Canopy beds with overhead mirrors? Of course.

7. Sheets with thousands of little mirrors for the narcississtic? Of course.

8. Sand particles on the sheets for that At the Beach experience? No problem.

9. Canopy beds with overhead gantries and cranes and ropes and tackles for that moving experience. Useful with fat white divorcee porkers. No ploblum dude.

Note: all canopy beds can come with four chrome poles for that private Go Go experience. Watch your Essan minx do the bored Bangkok shuffle. Relive those glory moments when you first came to the Kingdom and got disrespected by women of a whole new race and culture.

Guido Scarducci: Mattress Industry Spokesperson–

"Well, we have not had a lot of demand for those nine bed and bedding accessory ideas that are listed above, but if we do get sufficient interest we will do a test production run and send the samples to the New York–New Jersey mattress mafia and see if they can unload them on the brain stem challenged fools who live in the Tri State area and think a no interest finance plan is a good idea."

A modern bedding and mattress shop looks like a bordello for sleep and fxxx junkies. Silk and cashmere? No problem. Dual vibrating mattress sides? No problem. Different softnesses for each side? Easy. Just sign this financing agreement. Beds so low they make platform beds look adult. Futons, air beds, water beds too. Beds so high with their modern rails, and boxsprings, and mattress, and pillowtops, and mattress pad, plus sheets and covers and quilts and down feather comforters you need a ladder to get up on the thing. In the large spaces and high ceilings of the retail store the beds look reasonable. I'd like to see the faces on the customers when these monsters are assembled in their tiny bedrooms by the friendly (smirking) delivery guys. Oops, somebody made a mistake, but the bed is not returnable. Happy sleeping sucker.

These modern bedroom store bordellos are a world scarcely dreamed of until the last twenty years when science and greed and marketing decided to get together. But is this the ideal? Is this what you really want?

Let me ask you a question. When is the last time you noticed anything technical about your bed in Pattaya? Answer: Never. The only thing that you ever noticed about your bed in Pattaya was whether or not there was a woman in it.

Not one reader of this scholarly essay on a very important subject has ever examined the bed in their hotel room regarding foam densities, or number of springs, or type of boxsprings, etc. Not one reader of this very scholarly essay on an important subject has ever posed bed and mattress feature and benefit questions to the front desk staff when checking into the hotel in Pattaya. Never. Not once.

The only thought you have regarding your bed in Pattaya is how soon there will be a woman in it. A naked woman. In my case: a naked smiling giggling Essan woman.

That is the most important thing about any bed: whether there is a woman in it. A young naked Thai woman. So, in the future when the modern retail bedding industry finally staggers into Pattaya I expect it to have all of the same feature and benefit offerings of the West with one important difference: you will be able to pick a woman to go with the bed and be delivered and installed in your apartment or condo or home or hotel by the bed delivery guys.

In fact, I may break the trail on this visionary retail idea myself and open Pattaya's first truely 21st century bed emporium: DANA'S BEDS.

That's right: DANA'S BEDS. Ask about our Women Included package. At DANA'S BEDS you will get what you really want: a woman with the bed. Pale faced Hi So women, Essan farmer's daughters, University students, fat desperate divorcees, boardwalk smilers, teddy bear backpack gigglers, Soi 6 trash, the Mickey Mouse underpants brigade, Tony's cruisers, or Marine disco freelancers: all available as a part of the bed and bedding accessory retail experience at Dana's Beds.

And trannies? Sweet Jesus on a cracker are we going to have trannies available at DANA'S BEDS. Trannies will come in three sizes: tall, taller, and holy fxxx she's tall. All will be certified to have been on hormones at least ten years, all will have police records (DANA'S BEDS will not waste your time with amateurs), and all will scare the living crap out of your friends and your family. And you get to sleep with them every night. They come with the bed. In fact, they cum so much we recommend a plastic cover for the mattress.

If you want, and for a nominal additional charge, I will personally test all trannies (pre op only) for femininity, class, style, and skankability. Believe me when I tell you: if I say a tranny is a skank she's a skank. Doggie games no problem, Hitler Poland costumes no problem, golden showers no problem, handcuffs no problem. I'm a modern retailer. This is what we do. At DANA'S BEDS we guarantee ladyboy skankness.

But I almost digress. Don't forget, we have catalogues with every kind of Thai woman. And you can mix and match for custom needs and wants. Hi So woman with Mickey Mouse underpants? No problem. Essan minxes with feet shaped like bear paw showshoes wearing strapless backless stiletto heels (or trying to)? No problem. University students majoring in International Relations wearing T shirts that say EAT ME? No problem. Big package Obsessions bar high liners who can talk about nuclear physics? Ok, that's just silly; but tell us what you want at DANA'S BEDS and we will work on it. Drug addled tattooed ex mamasans wearing designer gowns? No problem. Fat lard bucket divorcees wearing thongs? Well, that's a problem; but you get the idea.

Note: I know I am going to get this question–

"Dana, can we test drive the woman who we have chosen to accompany the bed before taking delivery?"

Answer: Of course not. That procedure would be open to abuse. Come on guys; get serious. This is a professional business. Maybe it would be helpful to remember the Latin saying:

"Whatus I lookiem like–stupidio?"

Anyway, just tell us what you want as a living mix and match bed accessory and let one of our friendly sleep counselors help you look through the catalogue. You get the idea.

So boogie on down to DANA'S BEDS on the corner of Soi 13 and Beach Road (we are located in the first floor of the A.A.Hotel) and take advantage of our free financing, current sale on heat gel mattress pads, and what you always wanted: a woman to go with your new bed.

Buy a bed, get a woman: only at DANA'S BEDS.

Who Loves You Baby?

Dana