PHIT 19 – Chrome Domes And Horrible Hookers
Pity poor Bart dear Stickies. He have been incapacitated so badly after our trip to Pattaya last week. He was so bad affected he couldn’t even get the will to write for you. It was lucky me I wrote my column before we went down there to the ugliest city in Thailand.
Oh yes it is. Pattaya is ugly, nasty, full of whores and chrome domed old men with fat beer bellies covered in tattoos wheezing through life from one day to the next. What a horrible collection of misfits infest that place. Me and Bart we don’t go there oftens but this last trip was so bad we could not waiting to return to the sanity that is Bangkok.
The worst part was breakfast at the hotel. We stayed downtown in a reasonable priced hotel. Bart and me might be rich but we like to stay at the medium priced hotels because we get to see the life going on around us better. Anyways we come downstairs after a pleasant evening at The Blues Factory the night before listening to some cool blues and what do we see? These ugly old mens and maybe some not so young. But they is all damn ugly. The worstest ones was them that had just shaved their heads down to the skin. They look like UK football hooligans without the muscles. They all have big bellies hanging over there belts, some has shirts with no sleeves or they wearing torn old shirts. They must have been the lowest dregs of Western society because me I never seen such depressing specimens unless they was street people in Montreal.
Most of them was dragging in their whore from the night before for breakfast and let me tell you Stickies these womens were so awful it beggars belief anyone would touch they. Most was pure fat squeezed into skimpy clothes that made they look like gorgons gone wrong. Man! Me I ain’t never seen anything so depressing.
Yet there they were these guys eating mostly in silence totally unaware of how repulsive them and they womens look together. Me I would be too ashamed to be seen with a whore at breakfast, but to eat with one of those specimens me I would have to have a lobotomy first!!! It was that sight that left poor old Bart unable to function or even write anything for you last week my friends. The poor mans he is so sensitive. HaHaHaHaHaAha!
So there we were Bart and me in Pattaya and we go to The Blues Factory and what do you think we sees there? Oh yeah! Some real beautiful Russian womens are there in a group. Now these girls was not hookers. No sireee! These was classy womens corporate secretaries over in Thailand on a holiday we found out later. They is sitting up near the band so we took a table next to they. Before long you guessed it. They start looking over at Bart and me. Now remember this was before that devastating breakfast so we was in a real good mood. Bart and me we had been to Tony’s Gym that afternoon were we did a good workout. Our 8-pack Abs was taught and toned, our arm muscles was bulging our shirts without being too ostentatious and of course our tightly set bum muscles was straining our trousers to perfection just faintly highlighting the front bulge. Yesiree! Them Russian babes they was checking out Bart and me before we had been sitting there not three minutes.
Being the sophisticated gentlemans that Aha is, me I offered them a round of drinks and before you know it the girls was scrunching up so Bart and me could squeeze in around there table. Me I chose a beautiful girl with smooth white skin, sexy blond curls hanging down just over her shoulders dressed in a tight pair of jeans and a yellow top that revealed just enough to tempt any red blooded he-man eh? Me I was up to the challenge let me tell you yesireeee!!
Now Bart he is a bit more refined than me so he don’t make the first move. But your good old buddy Aha he has never been backwards in coming forwards so before you know it my little blonde gal she has her tongue halfway down my throat before you can say Samoa! Samoa! Whooooooeeee! Them gals must have been storing there heat up in them cold arctic winters for years because when they let go they really steamed the room. The drummer he was complaining because we made so much steam his drum skins went soft. But that was the only thing that was soft at that table let me tell you. Oh yeah! Bart’s trousers was doubly stiched by our favorite Bangkok tailor or he woulda been able to hang a couple of wet towels out to dry for sure. Me I was just settling into the leather with my gal Sofia when Aha he feels a tongue exploring my ear on the other side a my head. What a delicious feeling that is. A hot woman sticks her tongue in there and starts whispering sexy suggestions no man is going to resist that let me tell you!
Me I notice that by this time Bart has the other two more girls latched onto him too vying for his favors. We are not mean guys so we pick up the tab for the table and we tip the band 5,000 Baht for their troubles and we takes the girls back to our hotel for a night of debauchery and fun. Oh yeah!!! We was having fun all night let me tells you. Bart he is in his room with his girls and you can hear the screams of joy through the thick walls. The room she is shaking as both Bart and me Aha are on our beds rockin’ and a-rollin’ with our babes. Then there was an almighty CRASH next door!
Poor Bart he bust the bed but he don’t care. He figures that the mattress is already on the floor it ain’t going nowhere else in a hurry so he carrys on. The next thing Aha knows the wardrobe in my room which is up against the wall next to Bart’s room starts wobbling and then she comes crashing down on top of me and my girls. Lucky me I am on top and take the brunt of the fall. Bits of splintered wood fly all over the room. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately one of the girls she has her bum up in the air and a plank of wood whacks her on her ass just at the king stroke. Let me tell you Stickies that Aha’s stick nearly came to a sticky wicket that night! But she was a real trooper and she just swallowed deeper and then slid back up and kept on going. Me I forgot to check later if she had false teeth and if she took them out. Maybe she did because she did Aha’s pole no harm and she took me deeper than any other womens before! Whooeee!! Show me a Thai girl who can do that eh?
Alas and alack as the great Shakespeare said all good things must come to an end and we saw our girls off early in the morning so they could get back to they hotel before sunup. Bart and me we repaired the damages to our beds the best we could and caught some sleep. Then around 10 am we staggered down to the breakfast buffet.
Me I have a theory about these mens that come over here and shave off all they hair so they look like a newly ordained bonze. Me I reckon it be because they think they going to be bonking so much they are not gonna have time to even run a combe through they hair. Well me I got news for you old mens. That is the worst thing you can do. When you shave that hair offa your head she is white as a virgin’s panties and everyone knows you be a newbee. No one is fooled. You with your white head, your glistening fresh tattoos plastered all over you in the wrong places, and your deadly ugly whore sitting with you at breakfast all scream “Here’s a newbeee, look at meeee, I’m another mongering fool with a whore that is so ugleeeeee!”
Look Aha me I don’t have a problem if you old ugly guys want to come to Thailand to get some pussy. We are all here for that aren’t we? But why do you have to choose such ugly womens, and why cannot you try to look halfway decent yourselfs? It is not hard. Take a bath, put on some fresh clean clothes, have a shave, and stop looking like you have the granddaddy of all hangovers (you probably do but that is not the point). Get yourself down to a gym and start exercising too. With your belly hanging 2 feet over your belt, saggy man boobs, and ass hanging out the back you look disgusting. Do something about it. You are in Thailand and if there is one thing Thais do well it is to look after themselves and always try to look neat and tidy.
Guess what? If you take this advises you will find you can pick up a better class of women instead of those ugly dragons you dragging around. Fer chrissake have some pride! You making the rest of us look bad. The Thais think all us mens like black ugly womens and they happy about that because it leaves all the good ones for they. That’s why they don’t complain you taking their womens because you are not! Except me and Bart of course. But we got more taste than most of you eh?
Have a good week Stickies and think about this column. No reason you cannot be just as successful with the womens as Bart and me.
Wander around Pattaya sober and I have to admit that a beauty pageant is not what I see…