The Choices You Make Not The Chance You Take Determined Your Own Destiny
Looking back what have I become today. My earliest recall was back in Feb 2001. I was at the age of 18 years old. It was very late but I was still walking around Khao Sarn Road in Bangkok. There are so many thing going on in my life and for the first time I felt like I really would like to disappear and get away from everything that bother me. I met this young man from Austria name Nicola he was 18 years old. He was sitting down on the street next to a man who is playing sitar. I never seen sitar or heard of before. I was very much interested so I sit down and watch he play. I can’t remember now how we get to chat and spent time chatting with each other on the street ‘till morning come. Just before I decide to go back home he telling me he is going to Southern of Thailand. I have been to some places for holiday and also school trips but never went on my own or with friends before. I wish him luck. I went home and I went back to my earlier feeling and wish I could run away. I pack my bags and head to Hualampong train station. I found him sit on the floor next to his bag along with his 2 others friends same age. I asked him is it ok for me to joy them. I went to buy myself ticket and then we all ready on board. I really like Nicola he is a very good looking and very young. I never have any man who showed interested in me before. Never have bf or even been in love. I am not a popular girl or I often think no one will notice me. I never really like my dark tan skin much. And I never like my curry hair my big lips. I am not attractive to Thai men. But funny that all the Farang’s mans seem to like me so much they keep telling me how beautiful I am. And yes I like it very much it nice to feel that the opposite sex have show they interested in me. Nicola and I went to place call Kabi I didn’t see much because is was already dark when we get there. The next day Nicola took me to place call Koa jam there no tourist there and we didn’t stay in GH, Hotel but on our way while we looking at where to stay we met this little girl she must be about 10 years old. Invite us to stay with her family they have got a hut. We decide to check it out and Nicola is very please and would like to stay there is just a basic hat roof made from coconut leave and wall make from bamboo and wood there a mat and mosquito net. I lost my virginity at the hut after 10 days I met the guy. He didn’t know I was a virgin until he saw me bleeding. He was surprised very surprised. I didn’t like it much but I can’t blame him because I am the one who ask for it. We never have sex again. It was hurt and I did not enjoy it. We spent 1 weeks there. And when we left we gave her family some money. I have learn a lot from this trip I was in Bangkok and use to a very comfortable life sty. I just don’t get on with my step monster and my father never home. And bully from school. We went back to Bangkok and then I went home for a night. Next day we meet again at the Moh Chit bus station we went north I never been outside Thailand before. We plan to go to Burma before Nicola visa run out. We get to the border but I could go inside the country with out passport and visa. I have no idea what the language they spoke here and that made us took the wrong bus and end up in the middle no where. We walk and hitching the lift from car that drove by. It was an unforgettable journey of 8 hours walk and 6 hours ride by 3 different cars. From Mea-sod to Chiang-mai. The last car drop us of near Chiang-mai airport then we walk to Ta-pae Gate. Nicola and I went to Sax music pup the people there are very friendly and make me feel very welcome and excepted. My first tourist bar and pool table and drinks. After 3 days since we arrive in Chiang mai. I don’t know where is Nicola he just disappear. I now run out of money and no place to live. I spent my last money on the room we stay in the last 3 days. I start look for work and I found one at Cheers pup and they also giving me place to stay. I share room with P’Nid she is 4 years older than me. Lovely girl. I start with serving customers, taking order and making drinks, cleaning table, washing up glasses and tidy up the bar. There are also Cozy corner which is a Go-Go bar they have women dance and shower show. And also next door call John’s place. I don’t really spent much time on this two bar even so is run by the same owner only now and again I have been ask to cover some girls who off or short stuff. After year of being in this kind of business my mind have open so much I have to admit it that I really like my job. I have learn to speak so many language like hello, how are you? Thank you and good bye. And teach Thai to tourist that interested to learn. I also like to work at Cheers pup because is out door bar and you can see what going on outside. Here they are so many live and many story. I really like to be friends with many girls who work here but never really get to know them well apart from working with them. My other income is translate letter mainly letter. Some time I felt sorry for the guy who work hard and save money to come back to visit someone he call his girlfriend. While she was with other men, while he away. Some girl have 10 deferent man from many different country. I have seen many girls who come with they money problem and same old story family. I also start drinking and start smoking and dress up and make up. I sleep with man I like but head man that willing to paid me for sex. I met this guy his name is Paul he have been come to the bar and paid barfine for me many time just to take me out I go for nodle soup and that was it. It like I can skip work and have time to myself but then after 10 time that he just paid the bar find with out me decide to got to bed with him he told me he will not bar find me again. It didn't bother me. Nicola turn up from no where after 2 years of no news. He told me he find out from the Sax music pup I worked here and now he have trouble with money and lost his passport. I have no money I told him to wait and then I left with Paul. I came back and gave him the money he ask me where did I get it. I looked at him and said '' What do you think? '' Nicola was mad at me and himself. Since then I often see him but I never feel like there is something between us. And then off he go. I cary on with my life and that was the last time I went with men for money. One girl ask me to write email said how much she missed him and can’t wait to see him and then my mum is very ills please send me money she ask for 10000 baht and then she ask me to write another 4 email all have to change is Dear. David Dear Joe Dear Peter and Dear ECT… I get paid for 20 baht per email. Apart from they personal life that is something I never understand. I don’t have to send money home and I don’t have to worry about anyone. I guess I am lucky but I don’t know my dad never seem to bother where I am. My step monsters very please I am not there anymore. I don’t know how to were make up and I never like make up anyway. I don’t have that look that man will turn around and look at me twice. But I have made so many friendship both man and women from many country who interested in Thailand. My plan was to make some money enough to get me to Bangkok but then it have been 2 years now and I am still here. I never at the bar before and I never feel like working some where else. The only place I like to go for drinks is Sax music pup and Rasta bar. Some time I went out with some guy who ask me out on a date like visit water fall or the lake. The only person that fascinated me more than anybody I had ever known. His name is Chris I was 20 years old and he is 26 years old. From NY he was studying Thai boxing and Thai language. Very nice guy I ask him if he would like to go to see rain star and we end up spent the night together ,Since then we are like a couple. I don’t know what am I to him we never address each other as boyfriend-girlfriend but while I with him it felt perfect. We move in together after see each other for 2 months. And then he have to return home. Chris not very good at keep in touch. Once a while he will email me more likely just to reply my long email. My heart was broken and I have lost my interested in tourist since. I still work at Cheers and still go out with guy that asked me out it nice to have company sometime while you lonely and have nothing else to do in day time. I have met David from UK he is 13 years older than me but he did not look his age I was surprise when I found out but after spent some time with him I seem to forget about his age. He seem to be the only one who called and email me. I often end up on internet café chatting with him on MSN for hours. He came to see me 3 times a years from the past 4 years. He ask me to come over to live with him in the UK. While I am waiting to hear from the embassy. Chris walk to me with a very surprise. He told me he hear I am getting married. I did not reply. He told me to get a job. I did not know what he mean by that and saw he walk away. The biggest mistake in my life. I left Chiang mai and went back to Bangkok I was working at the travel agency for a while and then decide to marry David and come over to UK. My first 3 years was difficult and is getting easier after I know how to live here. My married didn’t went well. I have always dream of being a bride. David parent would like to visit Thailand and meet my family. They arrange the wedding and happy to paid for everything. David met my father once and I told them I am living I am going to airport in 3 hours. That when I told them. There is nothing for them to said my father was already drunk when I see him. Nobody seem to excited about my news and no one seem to care. I went back with my husband and his family. We spent 5,0000 baht for everything. It was the fist time I have been treat as member of family every body was there at my wedding and there are many that I didn’t know or remember that I have ever know them. Even the one that I didn’t get on with or the one that always bully me when I was a kid. It funny how people can change they think I am now well off married farang. Especially my step monsters. I didn’t give my family and dowry or gold. It all fake just a part of the wedding ceremony. But still my in law think my family was after they money I feel like such a fool that let them paid for the wedding. And look down on my family I know his family never wanted they son to married a Thai girl. But I keep it inside me. I have met many Thai girl all kind of background mostly from E-san. After 4 years of happy married I have been suffer from depression cause by still not sure what happen I heard voice and become very paranoid. I was on anti depression for a while. My married was end and I am very sad. Instead of focus on what is the most important thing I was spent time in bed crying and not willing to do anything else. His family now start saying thing that like ’’ see I told you not to married Thai girl ’’ and there are so many thing that hurt my feeling so much. I don’t know if they will be able to understand what is like to be me. And I really wanted to tell them that married me I have give a lot and I have try my best to be his wife. After wedding in Thailand I often get the phone call ask for money from my family but not once that they call because of miss me or wonder how have I been. And when I visit home they treat me nice because I give them money. I now lost my 7 years and home. I have been away from Thailand long time and it seem like. My life have changed so much. I met Nicola again early this year at sax music pup I was there for 4 weeks and one day he just show up. We sit down and talk for long time. Nicola now speak very good Thai I told him what I been up to and he told me he now married to a Thai lady who 11 years older than him and have 3 kids from her Thai ex and he also have 4 years boys with her. They all now living in Chiang Mai. Chris is still traveling the world and every time I receive an email from him he seem to be some where Asia, Europe NY latest email was he told me he is in Brazil. I also met Del a man from US he is seeking for Thai wife at the bar from many years. He know how to spoiled girl. He buy me mobile phone, gold and many thing just for me to go out and spent time with him. But he is older and not very attractive I never like him. I met him again with this bar girl from Pataya. she now have a big house back in her village some where in E-san and lot of money in bank. And poor Del he didn’t even know she still call him ’’ mun ’’ Some time I wonder if I go for the money or for love. Which one I will be better off?