Readers' Submissions

A Letter Never to be Sent

  • Written by BKKSteve
  • January 19th, 2008
  • 7 min read



Tonight as we walked along the beaches of Ko Samet I held your hand, our fingers intertwined and bodies close, we walked in silence secure each others thoughts were positive. Earlier when we danced I thought I’d never seen a more beautiful woman, wide almond shaped eyes and straight nose set amidst high cheekbones covered with perfectly smooth honey colored skin framed by long dark brown hair with natural waves. Your chin tucks in, your eyes looked up, and your full lips parted to reveal perfectly straight white teeth set in a smile that says more than words are able. With your low heels we were nearly the same height, the white sleeveless linen dress hung across your straight shoulders and tied at the waist revealed a perfect hourglass figure and long toned legs. My eyes moved from your eyes and down your body taking in the smile and deep cleavage revealing unusually full breasts and hips moving in time to the live music, time stood still and not even my deepest insecurities violated the perfection of that moment. You took my hand and led me back to our bungalow and the watchers wished they were me.

Yet, insecurities we all have and I found myself taken back to another lifetime. In this past life 20 years distant I danced with an equally beautiful woman of the same type and age. 20 years ago I was a young man secure in my career, fit beyond belief, and just ready to start the fairy tale romance that took us through the next 12 years, marriage and a son, and sadly a parting of ways. Back then when she looked at me I could clearly see desire and attraction unequalled in my experience. We were matched in our youth and fitness, equally attractive and desirable. Tonight the look in your eyes held deep affection and respect, perhaps even love, and while you eagerly responded to my touch and kisses with desire, the intensity was less than then, perhaps I’m expecting too much..

Did you notice the looks of envy from the other men? Your perfection commanded the attention of men and woman alike, other couples came to us to talk and ask how long we’d been a couple, did we live in Thailand, would we have children together. The elderly Swiss lady was so certain she’d seen you on magazine covers and asked if I was “your photographer.” Yes dear, I am your photographer and I specialize in capturing the inner beauty others often miss as their eyes linger too long on your outer shell. The handsome young man your own age nearly tripped over his own feet in his haste to offer you a drink, only to register surprise and disappointment to learn you were with me. You had nothing but perfect manners and class, yet you couldn’t quite hide your appreciation of this fit young man.

I watched you from a distance as you swam in the surf this morning. When you stood up in waist high water and walked onto the beach several young men stared and several came up to you to chat and ask your name. You didn’t know I was watching, but just the same you politely declined their offers and settled into your folding chair pretending to not notice the watchers. Knowing you so well I couldn’t miss the slight change in your expression and lightness in step in response to the attention, nor did you fail to notice even the local men taking you in as they walked by heads turning without shame.

In your prime you deserve this attention, not only are you at your physical peak but you also just earned that promotion at work and your career is really taking off. You’re doing so well in your first career, and I’m happy in my third. We talked about kids you’ve yet to bear, but couldn’t help wondering how they’d be different from my nearly grown children. When you described what your first real home should be like I couldn’t help but think back through the different homes in which I’d already lived. When you speak of your future I see my past. You’re walking into the beginning of your adult life and I’m sure your dreams will come true. I know because I’ve been there.. twenty years before..

You have so much energy, you seem to never tire and are always eager to fit so much into a day, while I’m often content to take things at a slower pace. Today you ran 10km’s on the beach, and I sat on the porch of the bungalow watching as I responded to email and surfed the net. Later we made love several times and as I drifted off for a nap I felt you leave the bed and could hear you keeping busy in the background. You’re always on the run, and I’m just walking.

Everything about you intoxicates and rejuvenates me, especially your youth and beauty. Dancing in your glow is akin to a divine gift, a treasured experience not unlike the fabled fountain of youth. I’m proud to be seen with you and look forward to each day together as a child looks forward to Christmas morning and rare trips to amusement parks. I found myself holding my breath as I watched you dress in the mirror this morning. Your body is smooth and your breasts firm, you slipped the camisole over your head with the grace of youth and as the satin settled over your chest and down your flat stomach you stepped into your panties while demonstrating the balance and strength of an athlete.

Later in the day as you undressed in front of me my years slip away and I feel young. Your skin so soft, hair so fresh, legs so strong.. If heaven exists it must be similar to the way a younger woman makes you feel as she looks into your eyes, wraps her legs around your waist, and lifting up takes you inside giving you pleasures long forgotten since decades past.. I thought I had nothing more to give, but when you knelt before me and raised your eyes to mine I felt new once more. After, you asked me to hold you tight and ran your hand over my chest as you wrapped your leg behind mine and drew closer still. Softly you told me I was special, and more special I’ve never felt and then my eyes close..

In my dream we’re both 20 years older. I’m now grey and walk much slower, and you.. you’ve hardly changed at all. A few lines around your eyes, a bit of luster missing from your hair, and a few more kilos giving you a woman’s shape. Classically beautiful and still young in appearance and spirit. In this dream we’re back on Ko Samet, dancing to the music once again, and this time when you take my hand to lead me back to our bungalow I still feel excitement, but I also feel pains in my body and more weary than a man in your company should. This time the watchers are probably thinking something else.

May December, January June. Is love ever enough to ensure success? I want the world for you and the world is fortunate to be yours. 20 years ago I was perfect for you, but today like most things in our lives I’m less than a perfect fit in your life. I feel selfish, lost in you I’m willing to grasp at any reasoning that would make this right, any excuse to continue my happiness. But I’m also in love with you, and love isn’t supposed to be selfish or unkind nor boastful and proud. Love is patience and truth, and the truth is that I’m not sure if my desires mask my ability to discern the reality of this specialness we share.

20 years ago I would have been perfect for you. Today I’m less than perfect and unsure if what I offer is enough.. and fair. Perhaps I can make up this difference in other ways? Should I share these thoughts with you, make you uncertain? One more dance please, slow and sensual, your cheek resting on my shoulder and my hands on your hips, moving in time to the music, forgetting the difference of years. The feeling is divine, evidence I’ve been blessed, someone watching us dance. 20 years ago I would have been perfect for you, but tonight you’re perfect for me, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making up the difference.

I know it’s coming, I can almost feel it now.. There’s that look in your eyes, the smile on your lips, you take my hand and lead me back to our bungalow as the watchers wish they were me..

Until next time..

Stickman's thoughts:

BKKSW's in love!