Readers' Submissions

Mumbo Jumbo

  • Written by Anonymous
  • October 11th, 2007
  • 7 min read




An evening before Xmas, (December 16th is my best guess) in 2002 I, a friend I met at my hotel, (I'll call T), were in Soi Cowboy when a power cut / fire, drove every one on to the to the street. By chance I got talking to a girl named Kwan, who claimed she was a waitress, not a bar girl (how could I tell? But couldn't care less either way). She decided she liked me and wanted to come back to my room. No money was paid or discussed. Having convinced me (for now), she was not a pro, and also didn't want a baby, she said tomorrow she would go to the doc for a monthly injection, so we could party without a hat. (Yes I'm an idiot but let's move on, the penalty for this comes later in the story).

My friend T wanted to go to Pattaya, but I decided I wanted to see other parts of Thailand and suggested Hua Hin. Not knowing anything about the bar scene there, T was reluctant but Kwan rang a friend, Ann, who appeared to get on well with T, so off we go as a group.

All was well, apart from difficulty finding rooms near Xmas. Ironically Kwan said she had to go to Bangkok for one day, and so on Xmas eve, I, T & Ann went around the bars in Hua Hin. I get talking to two girls and so T and Ann left me there. After an hour or so, the girls I met there suggested going to one of the two discos (No bar fine needed, the owner of the bar was too drunk to care).

"OK" I said and we did.

As we were about to go our separate ways, my favourite of the two said "I want to make love to you" and I, as the mug of the century said, "no I already have a girlfriend" and we parted company. Kwan was due back the next day. Little did I know, T's girl Ann was a bit of a [email protected]?$ stirrer and told Kwan I did go with this other girl. (You can't win).

After a couple of days. I suggested seeing the rest of the coast line, and we all went to Cha-am. Between the main road and the beach, we stopped for coffee. The waitress was hot, and giving me the eye, but knew no English. I said as a joke to Kwan (not realizing not all jokes don't go down well with Thai women) "She's hot, could you ask her for her cell number?" I assumed she would laugh & tell me to "[email protected]?$ off" and that would be that. As we walk around the beach and stop for a meal, we suddenly noticed Kwan had gone. When we had finished we went back, and boy was Kwan pissed. She had given the girl her own number, and the waitress had called 5 times. Oops!

Next day I suggested Petchaburi (The next town north of Cha-am). Kwan, still sulking, decided to stay in the room. I tried to explain that yesterday was a joke, but nothing would please her.

So, T, Ann and I go to Petchaburi. At the end of a great day, I see this total beauty in the park, called Lek. I offer to take her pic, she shyly lets me and, using Ann as a translator, suggested we go for a coffee and then a meal afterwards. Lek had apparently never met farangs before. By now I have a dilemma. Do I put up with the sulker from hell or the babe from heaven? Not knowing how this would work out, decided, the latter, but with the former still in my room, this was going to be tricky.

When we got back to Hua Hin, my friends had to stall Lek, so they showed her around the market. Meanwhile, I had to run back to the hotel, and say to Kwan it's over, please leave. As I was staying for another month, and was hoping she would stay with me for the duration, I had already given her the full "permanent exit" bar fine. She had given me the usual sob story about wanting to return home to her family. The daily fine would have been the same, so she wasn't exactly out of pocket, had we stayed together. Nor would I. Armed with a bonus for a speedy check out, the coast was clear and we all returned to the hotel.

My new friend was happy to "put out" on the first night, which surprised me as "nice girls" don't normally, (I have been told, but it seems I've never met one).

This is where I couldn't work out the deal. Either a girl is a bar girl, a freelancer or a "nice girl" in which case how come she came back with me having never ever met a farang before? Lack of model looks and physique on my part, not enabling me to buck the trend as a rule. My new friend was a joy at first but her continual and increasing interest in shopping was starting to annoy me. Especially as she was more and more reluctant to reciprocate in any way, if you get the drift. While contemplating this mystery, I finally got to the bottom of it. T's friend Ann had told this girl, the minute we had all met, (In Thai obviously), "Go with this guy, your bank balance won't be sorry". So finally proving there is no exception to the cardinal rules, there's no such thing as a free [email protected]?$. The other one "don't party without a hat" will be discussed later.

T and Ann went back to Bangkok for the final few days of his trip. I explored the south, initially with Lek. The other irony of Lek's logic was, I should immediately cut out beer. She actually said my face was like David Beckham (in my dreams) but I must lose weight. I could not explain, that stopping now would not cause any weight loss in 2 to 3 weeks, and I was on holiday. Meanwhile, I would order a sensible meal of rice, veg and main, but Lek despite her miniscule appetite, ordered everything on the menu, in Thai, so I didn't realise until the banquet arrived. Go figure! Finally, I had to send her home, enough is enough. I continued south to enjoy Krabi, Trang, Ko Phi Phi & Ko Lanta, thinking who needs a ball and chain when on holiday?

Finally with 2 days to go, I fly back to Bangkok, determined to find the hottest bar girl at any price, to end the trip on a high note. Well who do I meet after 3 weeks and many miles later? Kwan, (so much for returning to the family). Ever the consummate liar, she claimed she was at a bar to celebrate a friend's birthday. She has something to tell me. We go back to my hotel where I hear the inevitable, she is pregnant. What about the contraception I protested. "I lie, I love you too much and want your baby" she replied. The next day we go to the clinic near Cabbages and Condoms, (ironically owned by the same company at the time apparently) "Yes, she is pregnant" says the nurse, but with her lifestyle (too much drinking and smoking) and the size of the foetus, it has virtually no chance of survival.

However, I still want an abortion to be carried out. Kwan tearfully agrees, only because of the doc's warning about its potential ill health. Unfortunately (for me) they say its better to wait two more weeks, as it's too small to work on. I am at my wits' end, as I am flying home the next day. So I offer the clinic the money and a time is booked. However for reasons I don't understand, they won't take my money, and insist Kwan brings it on the day of the op. So worst of all scenarios, I have to pay her the money, what else could do? So I call the clinic from home 2 weeks later, and received not exactly headline news, Kwan didn't turn up. She also refused to speak to me when I called her. The final outcome, I will never know, other than emailing one of her friends who says "No baby, no worry". I email T to ask Ann, as they were together till the end of his trip, and she also said there was no baby. My only hope is they are right. Between my looks and Kwan's brains, the odds of the child being a model or rocket scientist are slim to say the least.

The moral of the story, need I spell the obvious?

Yours Mumbo Jumbo

Stickman's thoughts:

Yep, don't party without a party hat.

That facility you went to in Sukhumvit Soi 12 is very popular with the bargirl crowd.