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Sell The House, Sell The Wife, Sell The Kids, I Ain’t Ever Goin’ Back




I'm just starting to feel the warmth, you know, it’s the feeling you get about 15 minutes after the first drink. It's the best part of alcohol, and it makes me feel like I can tell this story. The thing is, a lot of what I've done I'm more than a little embarrassed about. I used to be a pretty good husband. Of course I would bang a hooker now and again but for the most part I went home every night and just used alcohol or drugs to get me through this sterile American life.

It's different now. I went to Thailand… Let me say that again. I went to Thailand and life as I know it has been changed forever. There is of course both good and bad with any major changes and I thank the Lord (that I don’t believe in) that I didn’t come here earlier in life as it could have ruined me financially.

I still play with my kids everyday, still love the wife for what a marriage really is and for the most part I'm a pretty good husband and provider and will stay that way.

I don’t even go to bars here in America. Those of us who have been to LOS know how stultifying bar life is at home in comparison, so I avoid them like I avoid most trouble without yield. I’ll will go out with friends for a beer now and again and certainly enjoy their company but have little interest in chasing women there. Even if there were some hot ones to be found, and there certainly is, I would never mess where I live.

When I first came here it was in 2005 and ironically, it was my wife's idea. She's from Laos and we met in a men's clothing store in Salem, Oregon. Her family hadn’t seen her in years and I thought what the hell, I had business in Bangkok and had promised in 5 years we would go. So we had free tickets, a 5 star hotel paid for and only one problem; She wanted to spend the whole 2 weeks with her family leaving me in Bangkok by myself.

I had an old childhood friend of mine who, being an army brat always spoke of his love of Asia. I called and called and kept getting the same answer; NO. He was just to busy at work. Well, I started to think perhaps he was suffering from that western cultural delusion that we somehow are important in this world so I pestered him enough and he finally relented.

It is now late August 2007 and I've been back to Thailand 9 times and that’s only because I can’t take off more time from work than that. My buddy? Well he just up and quit his 250,000 per year job and has come here nearly full time. I'm in my mid forties and just loving chasing girls half my age. Most of the ones I've chased here I've caught. As I'm writing this I've got a 21 year old that I picked up in a pool hall last night who is just beautiful. In fact she is probably the best looking girl I've ever had in my life. We just finished round one and I'm mulling over a second go round. I put some stupid Thai soap opera with a monster in it on the TV that all you Thai veterans know will keep her transfixed for as long as I need to recoup.

On Tuesday I hooked up with my dentist. She's not the ugliest girl I've ever banged but she'll not impress many of you with her looks either. I guess I would say she is one of those beautiful on the inside girls to justify the situation to my friends. Why did I bang her you ask, when the beautiful ones are so easy to be had? It’s quite simple really, she’s my dentist. I've never had sex with my dentist before, you probably haven’t either and it intrigued me enough to close my eyes and have sex with someone at about the same level of attractiveness as I can get back home.

Incidentally, the dental hygienist in the same office is a different story and is actually quite attractive in that dark skinned Isaan sort of way and yes I slept with her as well. In fact she has informed me that she was a virgin and I believe she actually was, at one time, but not when I was with her.

I just smile and believe everything the people tell me here just like they do to me. We all seem to get along great that way and I always smile no matter how aggravated I am. I could go on and on about the women and there have been many other girls but after awhile even I get bored listening to myself.

Is Thailand all about sex? Not for me, although it plays a big part. I can get sex everywhere in the world, and have when the price was right. For me it’s those WTF moments I get several times everyday I'm here.

It’s wondering why people sleep on the tables and eat on the floors.

It’s going 90 miles an hour on a mountain road in Laos with an old man driving and in no reason to be in a hurry to get anywhere. Of course being Laos there were no seat belts available. We did stop at a Buddhist shrine for about 20 minutes on the way to pray for safe passage which as a westerner, of course, got me wondering if we're so worried about safe passage why in the hell don’t we just slow down to 40 miles an hour and skip the shrine?

You see, in my country the old people drive slowly and the young people go fast but not here, nope, in fact even in my boldest years as a youngster I don’t think I could've shaved any time off what he accomplished and he had to be 70 years old. But maybe he's right, after all he’s old, which means he’s got less time left right? He’s probably got less time in his life left than a young person so he better get there quick.

Actually the younger ones drive faster than hell too. On the way back I got to listen to my 21 year old driver point out his Buddhist amulet that he had inherited from his father. It had protected his father to the ripe old age of 52 and was the reason he knew he could drive as fast as he wanted and never wear a seat belt or ever worry about dying as everything is preordained. Why wear a seatbelt when it’s predetermined when you'll die anyway. After all, they’re uncomfortable to a certain degree, right?

In Laos it is forbidden to ever pass a friend or relatives’ house on the way to anywhere without stopping to eat and drink a bit. This is the reason I found myself drunk at 8:30 AM. I remember some spring breaks in college where we would start drinking at 10 – 11 AM but even then I never got drunk at 8:30. Of course, in my nonsensical western brain this made sense because as soon as we got there the uncle brought out 5 large bottles of Beer Lao.

So, I'm sitting there with my driver, the uncle and myself. My driver knows we'll be getting on to Vientiane just fine because it’s fate. I'm somehow not convinced but since I am convinced we’re not leaving until all this beer is gone and we need to be in Vientiane in 2 hours I start to drink and do it quickly. After all, if I don’t drink this beer the other two will and although I don’t care if the uncle drinks I do care if my driver does. I manage to drink 3 of the beers and they split the other two so the kid is merely buzzed and not drunk.

I, on the other hand, am well on my way to being plastered. That turned out to be wonderful because I didn’t feel afraid at all the whole rest of the trip and in fact we shaved 20 minutes off the other driver’s time because as a youngster, he doesn’t pay the same kind of respect at the shrine the old guy did. I felt a little silly later that I would ever doubt fate in the first place.

In the end we arrived in Vientiane as it was meant to be and were in store for a grand house warming party for my wife’s sister. I, being the only farang who paid for most of the house and the only guy with the money to pay for the party and the Johnnie Black, was the guest of honor.

Boy, was it a celebration. I got in big trouble with my wife of course, because all the people wanted to talk and dance with me. There was one woman there that was a real beauty and I really liked her but alas, being with my wife's family and all their rented friends I didn’t dare make any wrong moves.

There were 3 of them that actually made pretty obvious moves towards me as the night wore on. One was an elderly woman in her 50's that kept calling me the beautiful farang and finally got so drunk she was coming up behind me all the time and pushing my hips in a pumping sexual type movement with anyone I danced with. This obviously endeared her to my wife and got me in trouble for some reason.

The second woman was attractive but not the beautiful one. She was pretty discreet but let it be known she would like to get together at a later time. I declined of course but appreciated the ego boost. The beautiful one was friendly but I doubt would have been up for anything and I'm not sure if she was married or even interested in me in the least as she was very coy.

The 3rd one was rather tall and looked great from a distance. For all you Thai veterans out there I don’t need to say anymore, do I? Which of course brings me to Nana…

How can you ever describe Nana to anyone that hasn’t seen it with their own eyes? It has to be the most outrageous spectacle that I've ever witnessed in my life. I've travelled more than anyone else I know in my limited circle and I've never seen anything close. For one thing it’s the only place I've been to where you look very closely at a girl’s face for beauty but then you pay particular attention to her neck, hands and the cut of her shoulder. In fact you get so you start doing that before you even look at her breasts and her ass.

It’s rather disconcerting to realize that you’re thinking sexual thoughts about someone, only to realize, too late, that it’s a man, not a woman like you thought, and you've never felt gay in your life. The realization sweeps over you quickly and is uncomfortable. Or maybe it’s not. I've never met anyone that wanted anything to do with katoeys but there sure are a lot of them.

Strangely enough my buddy brought a friend of his that was gay on a trip to Thailand and he wanted nothing to do with katoeys. He found what he wanted but it was young men he was after and was adamantly against being with a ladyboy. I was not able to be on that trip but my buddy said it was kind of interesting to bring his girlfriends into some of the gay establishments so "Kent" could find what he was after.

Funnily enough they did go to a "traditional" massage place because my friend knew a girl working there that I see from time to time. I have the dignity now of knowing my girlfriend is the only woman who ever jerked off Kent, the homosexual, and maybe even the only woman who has ever been in that vicinity. I am quite proud of her of course.

Well as it turns out the monster on TV had stronger magic than the bad guy and the soap opera is over. My sweet Bua is asking why I work all the time. She is telling me she loves me and I know that she does no matter what that "Union Hill" keeps telling me. He just can’t stand the fact that Bua and I love each other, can he?

Actually I just smile and say I love you too, sweetie. I also smile cause I know Union Hill and I are going out later and if I'm lucky enough and the price is right I'll find someone that loves me almost as much as Bua, maybe even more. Union Hill won't approve of our love of course but he’s just jealous.

Yes you can contact me, although I’m not sure why you'd want to, and by the way UH, Bua and Lek and Daeng and Mai and I all love each other and there’s nothing you can do about it!

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

A fun read…not sure what else to say, except that I enjoyed reading it.