Full Tailspin with Despair
Dear Stickman and Stickmanites,
This submission is not a plea; this submission is one of sheer sadness and a hope for some sound advice.
If it helps, I am also a writer of Simply Thailand and Simply Thailand II submissions – dated 10/11/05 and 04/04/06 respectively. But those submissions really don't have anything to do with this submission except that they are about Thailand.
The storyline begins as your typical bar girl scenario. In December 2006, I was just spending time with my Italian friends in Pattaya and not necessarily "looking" for action when I stumbled upon a girl at Tony's Disco. As I was walking past her – I held out my hand and she took it – both of us silent in the beginning. She was only eighteen and pretty much a simple girl from Udon Thani. She was not your typical bar girl – we both slept together that night, but she was not very good in bed – a testimony to her innocence and her purity.
Over the next 20 days or so, we got to know each other better. I will call her "Nok" here to protect her identity. We hardly had sex after the first night together, but we really enjoyed good times and good food. I made sure she ate well and made sure she was happy to have me as company. I started giving her a 1000 baht a day so she could help her family for the first few days and then I told her that I really could not afford to give her that much every day. So every other day, I would give her 500 baht and I took care of her food, lodging, transportation, and clothes she may need to buy. She hardly asked for anything – save for a few items of clothing because her clothes were pretty worn out.
By the time I was about to leave for California in mid January 2007, we had become boyfriend and girlfriend. I told her that I would return in June 2007 and that if it worked out, we would get married and start a new life together either in America or in Thailand – the latter being preferable.
Telephone conversations ensued long distance for the interlude between January and June 2007. We talked every week and felt stronger and stronger for each other.
In February 2007, my friend Morris (fictitious name) who was living in Bangkok went to Pattaya to see his girlfriend and also checked up on my girlfriend to see if she was okay. With my permission, he gave Nok, my girlfriend $500. Before my girlfriend had even received the money, she had made a determination that she was going to go back to Udon Thani. She only asked for 3000 baht, but I gave her more for three months to cover her there. She had always said that she never had fun dee (good dreams) ever since she came to Pattaya and always wanted to go back home to family in Udon Thani.
Next day I call her and sure enough I could hear roosters in the background and it was confirmed that she was back in her village. I felt so happy that her dream of leaving Pattaya was fulfilled. Now she had some money to take care of herself and her family for three months.
In May I sent her another $200 and told her that I would be there by the end of June. At that time she was working at Nongkhai – a town bordering Laos in a restaurant with her friend. She said she got bored sitting in the village and decided to work in Nongkhai with her friend who was also waiting for her English boyfriend and to keep herself busy. Every time I would call her – she would answer the telephone and there would never be the loud noise of the bars and disco.
After arriving in Bangkok and resting for a couple of days, I kept my promise and took a bus to Udon Thani with my friend Morris and Teddy. Teddy had arrived a week before me from California and Morris was still living in Bangkok. This was late June 2007.
Arriving in Udon Thani (what a nice place!), we stayed in Top Mansion (a great place). Across the street was Nobi's German Deli, another great place! From Nobi's Deli, I called my girlfriend and told her I had arrived in Udon Thani. She came to see me in about two hours – coming with her dad on a motorbike (her dad was only four years older than me – I being 37 and her dad 41).
I treated her father with utmost respect and bought him a couple of beers while we were chatting.
The father left shortly thereafter because he had to work on a farm the next morning and Nok and I had some time alone. Teddy and Morris hung out at Nobi's Deli while Nok and I went to my hotel room. We had pretty good sex that night, but nothing compared to what I have experienced with other girls in my life. But sex was never the highest priority for her and I.
After four days, I felt a little claustrophobic being in a little room with her. So I told her that I needed to go to Chiang Mai with Morris and Teddy and that I would be back in a four days. I told her that I would be looking at some properties there and that she would get bored on that trip. <This raises my eyebrows to say the least. You were involved in a long distance relationship with her, longing for her from afar, making promises to her and then after 4 days were bored of her?! A very bad sign I would think and this would be interpreted by her badly too – Stick>
After four days she called. But I told her that I was staying in Chiang Mai and did not know when I would be back. Another day passed – she called again all day and I never answered.
I had never gone to Chiang Mai. All this time, I was in Udon Thani with Morris and Teddy. I did sleep with one girl I met in a bar there near Nobi's Deli. But aside from that I just hung around Udon Thani trying to read my thoughts, I just needed time for myself.
Another week passed and Nok and I talked, but we never met because I still claimed that I was in Chiang Mai.
The next day, she text messages me many times and I never return the calls. Then later that day, she sent text messages me saying that she is at the bus station leaving from Udon. I never call her because I just don't know what to do.
Six hours later, I telephone her and she says that she is in Khon Kaen and that she will be leaving shortly from there, but she does not tell me her destination. She is crying a flood of tears because of my betrayal. I assured her that everything would be okay and she would be fine, but I knew that things would never be the same again.
A week passed and I had to go back to Bangkok with Morris and Teddy. Teddy heads to Cambodia while Morris and I stay in Bangkok. I stay in Bangkok with Morris waiting for Korny's arrival from Tokyo.
Korny arrives and we have a great time together hanging out in Bangkok. We go to Long Gun at Soi Cowboy and Morris and Teddy get their girls for the night while I watch in amusement. I never cared for gogo girls – they were too hard for my taste. Suddenly, inside my chest, I feel this huge mental and physical pain for Nok. I walk out of Long Gun alone and went outside the red light district area and call Nok. By this time I already knew that she was in Pattaya because we had kept in touch and she said she needed a "holiday for her heart" after I betrayed her. As I am talking to her, I cry a flood of tears – letting her know that I was very sorry for what I did to her and that I was in Bangkok and that I would see her in Pattaya soon. But I never did because emotional turmoil took over me.
I had four days left and I was very sad and tired over the whole issue and my betrayal of her.
I had promised her that I would be back from the USA and I would take care of her. But I never did and I betrayed her. And now I was heading back.
With only four days left, I visited some temples and with Morris and Korny gone to Udon Thani, I was alone by myself again. I met this one hot girl at New Wave Bar on Soi 7 Sukhumvit. The sex was incredible with this girl and she had a back that was made of steel – solid and unbelievably strong.
On the day of my departure, my Thai friend (Morris's landlord) took me to the airport. I bid my friend Yop goodbye and checked in. As I was waiting for the plane to board, I made a call to Morris to say goodbye until December when I would see him again. We had a good conversation and I boarded the plane. When I sat in my seat, I felt this great punch in my chest – like a sledge hammer. All my thoughts raced to Nok. I relentlessly text messaged her repeatedly and then called her. Her last words before my plane took off was "I hate you!"
I slipped into despair! I was yelled at by the flight attendants before I turned my telephone off prior to departure.
The plane trip to Los Angeles was pure hell. We stopped in Taipei and I wanted to get another ticket back to Bangkok and talk to Nok and plead her for forgiveness. But I never did.
Ever since arriving in California, I have slept for days on end and have not eaten much. I feel this great remorse of what a horrible thing I did to her. I still telephone her and we still talk. Every time we talk, she is in her room with her friend and I never hear disco or bar music. All I hear is another girl talking – which is her friend and confidant. She stays in the room of this girl and lives there until she can have enough money to go back to Udon.
It has been two weeks since I have been back and I have been in utter despair over what I have done. Like Morris said, "Nok does not have one mean bone in her body – "why did you not spend more time with her? Were you clueless when you were here in Thailand?"
I was clueless.
Now let me tell you a little about me. I am half Italian and half Indian. I have lived in America for over 22 years now and I am 37 years old. Before I lived in India for most of my life with 2 years spent in Napoli, Italy. I was in the US Marine Corps and I am a veteran of four wars. I became a Buddhist four years ago and now I am shunned both by my mother and her family and my father and his family. My parents are separated. I have not seen my relatives for over four years now. My brother is mentally ill and my mother is paralyzed from the waist down. I live with a guy who is gay and we have lived together for over ten years, but I am not gay. We stayed together because he was in law school and I was getting my teaching credentials and it was a good set-up because we both needed a place to stay. But aside from my family situation, my gay friend has also paralyzed me because he has controlled me all these years and never let me out of his sight or let me talk to any girls. My two times a year trips to Thailand were for spiritual reasons as well as being with women because I don't like men sexually. I have been accused of many horrible things when I would come back from my trips to Thailand – things I would never even think about doing let alone actually do them! My gay friend has made me lose little confidence that I had in myself to believe in me and make things happen for myself. I have completely lost confidence. I was scared because if he was not there, I would have no one because I am already shunned from my family. I am afraid to leave because I have absolutely no one to turn to. All I think about is Thailand and Nok every day and every night. Her innocence and her kindness pulls me through days and nights of blur. And I treated her this badly not without a reason. I did it because I believed that I would not be able to take care of her. Because I had lost confidence, I believed that if I had moved out of our house (my gay friend and I), I would not be able to take care of myself. If Nok and I stayed together and then her family requested more money – she might have to leave and then I would have no one to turn to save for turning to suicide – which I have contemplated often. Nok never asked for more than 6000 baht a month for her family. She was fine with very little. She was always a simple girl with simple needs. She only said if we marry, if and when I could afford it – maybe I could by her a small gold bracelet and necklace. Another thing that shattered me was the family asking for 700,000 baht for sin sot. It was not Nok, but her family asking for that. But they said they would accept any offer. Nok never said a bad thing to me and never uttered a bad word out of her mouth. She never talked bad behind my back and she always was cheerful and kind to me. She was always happy eating on the street and never complained about any of the food I bought her. She would give me massages and she would make my bed in the hotel room. We went to her village when I had come to Udon Thani and the family was very nice. They tied strings to her wrist and mine and we took pictures. Her mother's my age – 37 – crazy, isn't it? Nok never cared if I saw other ladies as long as she did not see me with other ladies and as long as I came home every night. For me, Nok is an angel. But since I am shattered, I cannot muster the confidence in myself to stand up and walk away from my gay friend and go to Thailand to live with Nok. Fear of the future scares me because if I lost Nok – I would have no one except my faith in Buddhism and I don't want to be a monk when I am weak and vulnerable – I want to be a monk only if I am strong and confident – I have too much respect for my faith.
I am a lost man and the only thoughts I have is to live with Nok. I have a great new job in California as a teacher that pays over $50,000 for nine months of work and yet I don't care for anything anymore except Nok. Suicide is my next option and I am not afraid to do it. If things did not work out with Nok, I would exercise my next option – suicide. I have no-one to live for anymore except Nok and she has taught me so many beautiful things at such a tender age for her. She turned 19 in June.
Thailand has a way to turn a man's dreams into a nightmare. I am well aware of it and considering my past family and war experiences and my emotional make-up, I am a suitable candidate for Thailand’s claws. But despite that, I am willing to stay with Nok until that moment arrives and then I have no choice but to die. I not longer fear the future – I know that my future does not look very happy. Nok is the only happiness in my life. Without her, I would have no hope. I fear also teaching English in Thailand and then being an old man and not being able to have a retirement or any income. And not having any family or country to turn to – I would be lost. I am already world weary having seen 48 countries.
Should I give Nok more money now so she can go back to Udon? Should I run back to Thailand? There is no place else for me. I don't have a country despite being an American citizen – I feel like I belong nowhere except Thailand because I am Buddhist. Nok is my highlight day and night. She gives me hope day and night and she gives me reason to live on.
When I bothered by hunger and homelessness in the world, Nok stands as a shining example of a person that gives hope to people because even though she is poor, she never despairs or gives up hope. She is my beacon in this cruel world. I cannot just stand there and let her be used sexually by men when I know I could give her a better life and when I know I could love her if I tried. My relationship was never sexual with her; it had to deal with her heart that was very beautiful and sincere. I never would care if I had sex with her or not, I just want to beside her and take care of her.
It is funny – my gay friend loves me very much, but he likes to control people. But I know he loves me a lot. I love Nok the same way, but I do not control her at all. I always told her that if she found a better man, she could go with him. But I love Nok for being Nok. I want her happy and I want her safe. I want her to eat well and I want her to take care of her family. Because I don't have a family, I know the value of family. Nok always said to me – don't worry – if we don't have a home together – we could always stay in our home in Udon Thani and live by the farm. She always made me strong. But not strong enough because otherwise I would not be writing this e-mail.
I don't want to start my contract teaching in America. I want to return to Thailand and live my dream. But I shudder at my failure with Nok and I shudder that my last resort – suicide – might be my only way out.
I only have Nok and my faith in Buddhism. Suicide is the only other option for me.
All I think about is Nok and the promises I did not fulfill with her and that I need to go back and be a man and fulfill those commitments. She has forgiven me and she has said time and again that "I gave you my heart honey, I cannot take back."
Nok is my angel in this cruel and depressing world. Please give me some advice Stickman and Stickmanites, but please do not include my email. Let them forward it to you first and then please send me the e-mails.
What can I say? This is a seriously messed up situation.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I truly believe you need professional help. Print this out and take it to a medical professional. You’ll get much better help from them than us lot here at Stickman. We might be able to offer you perspective on the Thailand associated aspects of the submission, but the problems appear to be much deeper – and much more serious than a typical submission.
You mentioned that you were in the US military. It is my understanding then that you may qualify for help from a military hospital. That would be worth pursuing.
I hate to state the obvious, but the way you treated Nok was pretty bloody awful. She is a young lady who no doubt has problems of her own – and you’re in no position to help her. Set her free. Your influence on her, in your current state, won’t be good for her.
Nok is 19 for goodness sake. She is far too young to think about settling down. She needs to enjoy her life!
It sounds to me like you’re borderline obsessed with her and that, along with your frank admission of having absolutely no qualms about contemplating suicide, is a scary mix.
Your family situation is sad and I sympathise with that. It must be really difficult.
And this gay guy who you claim is controlling you is bad news. Control is the WORST thing in relationships. Get away from him now. As soon as you read this, go and search for new accommodation and get away from him. Move out and get away from him. Sever all ties. No good can come of being in a relationship where control is present. Victims who suffer from being controlled become damaged over time. You need to get away fast. Don’t wait until tomorrow! Move TODAY!
Blaming your problems on Thailand is simply avoiding the truth. There is nothing about Thailand that has caused these problems for you. If anything, it sounds like you have been extremely well treated in Thailand and for that you should be grateful.
I cannot re-iterate enough that you need to see a medical professional. I am sure you’ll get some good advice from readers, but a medical professional is what you need.
I wish you all the best and hope that at some time in the future we receive a submission from you outlining how you got over this difficult period in your life. I wish you the best.
* I will forward all submissions to the author if readers care to email them to me.