Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 182

  • Written by Dana
  • June 23rd, 2007
  • 4 min read



Attn: Stickmanites and Lessor Earthlings–

It is Dana Time and time to clutch your chest in wonder and in joy as two missives from Dana Central are about to impact you. One is a living obituary (you can't start too early), and the other is a true story with a valuable lesson (Dana Central notepads can be ordered for taking notes). Enjoy.

Living Obituary of Dana: Pattaya Mail newspaper–May 14th, 2007

"Enjoying great success in writing, mongering, ogling, and the Nana Hotel carpark; Dana was less a world famous writer than an icon, the eternal essence of cool. A member of the legendary Nana Hotel Lounge Lizards Pack, he lived and died the high life of booze, broads, and bright lights; always projecting a sense of utter detachment and serenity; along with 500 baht Walt, and Pattaya Gary, and Four Bathrooms JJ, and the Holtmeister, and the other chosen few who breathed the same rarefied air, Dana: chicken-on-a-stick and cola always in hand–embodied the glorious excess of a world long gone, a world without rules or consequences. Throughout it all, he remained just outside the radar of understanding, the most distant star in the monger firmament;… " **

** apologies to: Dean Martin Biography–AOL Music


NEVER SAY NEVER

My first night in Bangkok I rush over to the NEP and run up to the third floor to the Hollywood Strip bar to see if Wan is still working there. Known her for years. Absolutely some of the best nights and the most memorable sex I ever had with a woman was with this woman. And she has every other blank filled in to get my attention. What men find appealing about women is personal. No explaining it. I am blotto about her. If I was an expat she could make a living off of me picking her up and banging her senseless three times a week. But I would probably have to wait in line. She is my nominee for probably the most popular girl in all of Bangkok with tourists and expats. Everyone knows her, and it seems everyone has banged her, and I am sure I am not the only guy reduced to blubbering idiocy when her hand is in mine and we are headed across the street to the hotel. And don't even get me started on what happens to me when I see her naked again. Anyway…

She is not there. Or her sister. Or two other favorites from the past. It is all gone. So I start the bar by bar hunt. And at every single bar from the third floor, to the second floor, to the first floor I am striking out. Finally I walk into the last bar on the first floor–Lollipops. And I hit the Dana lottery. There are four girls hot as coals. One is called Song, and one I will call the Rubber, and one we will call Pi-Pi, and one is a midget waitress. Song is sitting on my right and I have decided to barfine her and made this known to all. This does not stop the Rubber. I call her that because in spite of the fact that I have chosen Song she is sitting on my left and grinding her ass into me and moaning like a cat in heat. Perfect body. Hard to ignore. I make a note to return for her. Anyway, I give the barfine to the mamasan and off goes Song to powder her pussy and get dressed. Instantly her best friend–"I am Song's pi-pi." sits next to me and starts campaigning for me to come back and bonk her. She is cute and sexy. I make a note to return for her. And all of this time the midget waitress in the schoolgirl pleated skirt and the white schoolgirl shirt has been up on the corner of the stage dancing and making eyes at me. She is a riot. She is standing in place on the corner of the stage and doing a kind of Michael Jackson moondance shuffle. Sexy and fun and funny. Very very appealing.

So off Song and I go to the Rajah Hotel. She is terrific and for 500 baht I get a fashion show with her trying on my clothes and posing in front of the mirror, and I get great sweaty sex, and I get a wet T-Shirt contest in the shower, and I get half a smile.

Two hours later I am dressed and headed back to the bar. Am I going back for the Rubber? No. Am I going back for Song's best friend who I have nicknamed Pi-Pi? No. I am going back to pick up that cute funny dancing fool midget waitress. Walked up to her and slammed 600 baht into her little hand and told her to hurry up. She grabbed her purse off a shelf and said, "It's boom-boom time."

So, how was she? She was great and fun and funny. Made me laugh. As we exited and walked hand in hand past Big Dog's people cheered and clapped. She smiled and I laughed. No smile beats the bonking smile or (even better); the on-the-way-to-bonking smile. Sweet Jesus on a cracker I love this town. Proud to be seen with her, and lucky to have met her, and no silly talk about a condom. And god damn was that little pleated skirt sexy. I found I could suck her whole foot into my mouth and lurch around the room with her skirt around my head and… ok, that's not really the point. The point is–

NEVER SAY NEVER.


Stickman's thoughts:

Unique. If nothing else, unique. And the writing is crisp too.