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Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 165

  • Written by Dana
  • February 24th, 2007
  • 6 min read



MUKLUK FREELANCERS–NOTE FROM THE FUTURE

Dateline: Year 2027

With the debates over major climate change worldwide, and political and scientific fights over the legitimacy of Global Warming a thing of the past it is possible to just observe and note in one generation changes in parts of the Earth and its climates. Global Warming as an all inclusive result moniker was a misnomer because not everything got warmer. As major and minor wind systems and ocean temperatures and currents changed, and as continental masses warmed; so did major and minor climates and climate influence landscapes. Overall temperatures got warmer but not everywhere. Some places got colder. Much colder. In the miasma of the earth's systems and influences there were whirlpools and vortexes and islands of climatic oddity. Some places got bitch cold.

For example: Pattaya became a place of ice and snow. Ten baht Beach Road songtaos were replaced by polar-bear-proof ice buggys, boardwalk freelancers wore mukluks and fur mittens, and motorbikes with girls sitting side saddle were replaced with snowmobiles and girls in snowmobile outfits with heated helmet visors and heated boots and heated crotches. 2nd Road became a snowmobile alley of Thais and farangs doing fifty miles per hour light to light and driving the windchill factor index underway down to 70 degrees below zero. Sometimes when mongers got a girl back to their hotel room she had to point a hair dryer at their dicks to get the thing to warm up. Or show up. In the new freezer cold Pattaya dicks and balls had a tendency to just withdraw and the dark skinned Essanite entertainment providers had to learn new skills.

Bar drinks were changed to hot coffee, and hot cocoa, and hot tea, and hot bouillon, and hot broths, and hot soups, and hot gin. All the bars on Walking Street advertised the stove they used to heat their premises and criminal enterprises took over the trafficking in coal and wood and peat. Barfining two girls at once became more about heat than sex. Barfining more than two girls at once was not considered kinky or adventuresome–just the mark of a man who could afford heat.

Inside bars like the Peppermint and Superbabies and the Polo Lounge the shows and ambience remained unchanged. But outside adjustments had to be made. The steep entry stairs of the Polo and the Peppermint had chair lifts installed and sidewalk honeys handed out blankets to mongers going up. At the top of the stairs more balaclava faced fur booted father's daughters helped the mongers out of the chair lifts and escorted them inside. The temperature often went from 30-50 degrees below zero outside to 85-95 degrees inside. Once inside the men were overdressed and the world's most beautiful women were underdressed and everyone had beards. Shaved pubes were a thing of the past. When making her late night or frosty moon lit early morning trip back to her rented room in Chonburi or Jomtien or the Frozen Ass Guesthouse a bargirl needed all the extra warmth she could get. So hairy crotches became the norm and you had to poke at the bush with chopsticks to find the love canal. Lesbianism also rose steeply as tens of thousands of women slept together for warmth. Try and find that fact in your scientific journals on Global Warming.

Polar bears and wolves and wolverines wandering around town were a constant problem and boardwalk freelancers were equipped with stun guns, and AK-47s, and pepper spray handguns, and beanbag shotguns. Every industry develops its own tools. My own Fa had her guns taken to an auto body paint booth where they sprayed different guns different colors to match her outfits. There is always time for fashion. You would think these well equipped honeys would effect business in a negative way but nothing changed. Mongers and sex tourists and newbies and guys in heated seat wheelchairs and me were still there patrolling the boardwalk for love on a daily basis. Personally I found hairy pubed shotgun wielding raven haired beauties with Mickey Mouse quilted long underwear a turn on. If you have never piled into a woman with a hot body and a cold nose who is still wearing snowshoes you have not done everything yet.

The interior landscapes of the bars didn't change much but of course all of the outside open air bars disappeared. There were other outside changes also. Basically, everything was covered with ice, and ice ream due to the ocean, and snow, and snow pack, and snow drifts. Icicles hung from every bar front roofline, and ice sheeted every window, and bar doors were often at the ends of snow tunnels. The Beach Road palms were encased in ice, hotel pools became giant ice cubes, aggressive giant Emperor penguins were a traffic menace, and ice pack killer whales patrolled off the beach. But the party rolled on. There was not even a 1% drop in the number of visiting foreigners. The genetic evolutionary anomaly known as the Thai woman remained the self same draw that it always had and men flew into LOS (Land of Snow) and FFA (Frozen Farang Ass) just as before. Snowcats replaced taxis at the airport, 747's and Airbus 380's landed at Don Muang and Bumi and Beach Road on skis, and battery operated mitten warmers replaced cool towels in the bars; but basically everything remained the same. Other happy recipients of the Global Warming like Paraguay and Baffin Land that were hot hot hot tried to take the sex tourist business away from Thailand. But it was an idea doomed to failure. Paraguay women? Baffin Land women? Come on; get serious.

So no matter where you are in this world and no matter how hot it may be due to Global Warming don't forget about Thailand. It's plenty hot here too. Hot where it counts: hot in the heart and hot in the pants. The beach is gone because of the rise in the sea level but no matter; it's all icebergs at the seawall so we are protected. So come to Thailand and get a look at how Global Warming can effect former tropical countries. Climate and climate change is a little like a bargirl's heart; hard to predict, and hard to influence, and hard to forget. At the North Pole and the South Pole tourists are now wandering around in flip-flops and thongs. The Greenland ice dome is gone, wandering ice floes are few and far between, and winters for most humans are now the subjects of nature and history documentaries. But there are pockets of climate change that act as worldwide compensating climatic influences and sacrificial node responders and are nut freezing, dick shrinking cold. Pattaya, Thailand–south of the Amari Orchid Resort & Tower on Soi Srina Kom and north of the Chinese Temple and Naval Broadcasting Station overlooking the new pier–is one of them.

So come to Thailand. The viagra still works, and the women are still beautiful, and the bars are still fun. And it is so fxxxing cold all the French left. And the snakes. Hey, there is always a warm lining to a cold cloud. Anyway, ask for me on the boardwalk when you get here. I'll be hanging around Soi 13 waiting for Fa and handing out insulated cups of hot chocolate to the trannies. God I love this town. God I love Thailand.

Oops . . . I see Fa . . . gotta ski in her direction. I bought her a heart shaped pink snow shovel as a gift. I hope she likes it.

Stickman's thoughts:

I wonder how the cold will effect the huge number of Russians who are currently flocking to Pattaya and who collectively probably register the largest single nationality visiting Fun City?