Readers' Submissions

Thai Faults and Misanthropes Part 111

  • Written by Dane
  • February 23rd, 2007
  • 8 min read


Ok, dudes and dudettes, the moment you’ve all been waiting for is finally at hand. I come before you today to unveil the most revolutionary invention in the field of human sexuality. Behold, the patented Dane-O-Matic Tranny Track-Her®. Each Tranny Track-Her, a precise replica of my Man-Hood™, is lovingly hand-crafted from the finest materials. Not a single detail has been overlooked. By using one-off molds, I have ensured that a little bit ‘o Dane is imparted on each and every replica. I would like to acknowledge the assistance of pre-eminent scholar Frank N. Beans and the world-renowned Assachusetts Institute of Technology. It is only through the assistance and collaboration of the departments of AsstroPhysics and Asstronomy that this endeavor was able to come to fruition at this time. Further thanks are necessary for the assistance of the infamous munitions and demolitions expert I-Lyqee Baqdori. So as not to offend certain sensibilities, I am not at liberty to disclose any of his particular works. Suffice it to say he knows how to blow shit up.

This modern marvel works on telepathic brain waves and has an effective range of 500 yards. It will work any time of day or night but, for greatest effect, I highly recommend that you use it at night or after the lights are down at a Tata Young concert. It has an internal oscillator and reads your thoughts every tenth of a second. This, you may have noticed, is the same frequency at which a tranny will shake her ass when seeing a farang. There are no coincidences in life, after all. At the same time, it is scanning for random tranny thought patterns. Because their thoughts are generally scattered, this requires a great deal of processing power. This of course generates heat. So, please, follow my instructions and you are almost guaranteed not to suffer any burns or discomfort while using this device. When it has located a tranny that is compatible with your current wishes, it will begin to vibrate. At this time, and this time only, you should gently cup the giant orbs and hold the device in a horizontal orientation. Depending on which direction you should turn, one of the orbs will begin to glow. When the alignment is correct, both orbs will glow and, through the use of alternating magnetic fields, they will gently clack together. As this is detectable merely by touch, you never have to divert your eyes from your search. Next, it will begin to pulsate. You should now use your free hand to firmly grasp the shaft of the Tranny Track-Her. You will feel the pulsing rhythms traveling the length of the shaft. As you get nearer to your target, the pulses quicken so as to heighten your anticipation. Finally, when your target is within five yards, a chemical reaction leads to an eruption of white, hot light which will bathe her in a beautiful glow, thereby blinding you to any deficiencies that she may have. It is truly orgasmic. Of course it pales in comparison to the real thing but that cannot be helped. When I blow, it puts Krakatoa to shame.

Great craftsmanship and technological advancements don’t come cheap. For those of you without a pot to piss in, just piss off. As we wait for the losers to shove off, let me just add that, today only, we are including a special inducement. With the purchase of each Tranny Track-Her, you will be given an automatic place on the waiting list for The DODO (Disciples Of Dane-O). Now, let’s talk about cost. How many of you would be willing to pay US$200,000 for this remarkable device? Well, today, you will not pay $200,000. You will not pay $150,000. You will not pay $100,000. That’s right. The revolutionary Tranny Track-Her can be yours for the remarkably low price of $84,890. I am only able to bring it to you at this price due to the tremendous amounts of hands-on work on my part but I am doing this as a service for all of you like-minded souls and kindred spirits. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I have made for you.

The basis for this work was a study on the behavioral patterns of tranny chasers. Brain patterns were studied while they thought about 11-1 or 1-11 trannies. The x-y notation specifies the length (in inches) of the log (x) and the time (in minutes) until the cork pops (y). The numbers 1 and 11 were chosen because they are the only known Perfect Primes and they occur in pairs throughout nature. During this study, an amazing discovery was made and it is this that made the Tranny Track-Her possible. A new element, trannyllium, was discovered in the brains of the test subjects. One isotope’s atomic structure alternates between 1-11 and 11-1 and this isotope has, therefore, been named trannyllium 111, where 111 is pronounced as one one one. This isotope generates an electrical field, during oscillation, and has not been observed to decay. By harnessing this small electrical charge, the Tranny Track-Her is guaranteed to run indefinitely. Right about now, you’re probably starting to realize that your $84,890 is money well spent.

Now that we have expensed, ahem, dispensed with the pleasantries, I must inform you of some conditions on the use of the Tranny Track-Her. I do this only on the advice of some scum-sucking, ambulance-chasing piece of shit calling itself a lawyer. Normally, this would not be necessary for a business based in the Kingdom. I, however, have numerous global concerns and need to take minimal steps to safeguard those other endeavors. It was anticipated that quite a few of you would contemplate using the Tranny Track-Her to pleasure your nether regions. Some of you, no doubt, are more orally disposed. This is all perfectly understandable but I have taken measures to dissuade you from doing this. If you are so inclined, you may contact me to negotiate terms for my personal services. Send an email to [email protected] and be sure to include either nude photographs or video. Know, however, that I do not come cheap. My good friend, Mr. Baqdori, has taken great pleasure in crafting a little surprise for you should you fail to heed my warnings. The orbs are constructed of the most delightful pyrophoric metals. At the base of the orbs are precisely shaped, albeit miniscule, charges of trintynitrate explosive that, should it become necessary, will lead to an ejaculation of finely-divided pieces of these metals. This, my friends, is something that you do not want to experience. If you thought things were bad after your last plate of som tam boo pla, this will give you a case of The Burning Shits™ that you will never forget. It may also result in brief periods of unconsciousness and short-term memory loss. In order to minimize the possibility of accidental discharge, state of the art methods in artificial intelligence have been employed in the design of the Tranny Track-Her. This is an off-shoot of the work done in the search for WMDs in Iraq. We all know that they found shit and, for their purpose, the operation was a resounding failure. This, for obvious reasons, works to our advantage. So, with some modification, I have developed the perfect instrument in the search for WADs (Weapons of Ass Destruction). It learns by itself and by using input from other Tranny Track-Hers. When they detect another within working range, they share the knowledge that has been developed by their neural networks. In this way, they become smarter and less fallible.

In order to document the effects of their misuse, I gave a number of Tranny Track-Hers to a select group of guinea pigs, errr, test subjects. Knowing that certain urges would be irresistible, they were not informed of the restrictions. Now, I needed to find a photographer. When I started, I wasn’t exactly sure what I should look for. The only thing I was certain of was that I did not need someone sitting around, pontificating from on high about what an expert professional photographer extraordinaire they were. It was at that point that I realized Stickman would be the perfect choice. He gets out among the locals and he is comfortable moving in the circles where the subjects were likely to be found. His work is out there and it speaks for itself. It didn’t hurt that he lives in the Kingdom and works as a teacher, either. That meant his expectations would not be so high and I could low-ball him on the fee. He did an excellent job and the results are available to all prospective buyers on my Doochers Wall-of-Fame. At first, I had not intended to say anything further about this. But one of the test subjects has been a little less than forthright in talking about his misadventures. The good Dr. J. A. Earnshawe, while not being the first test subject, was certainly one of the most colorful. He also holds the most prominent spot on the Wall-of-Fame. He would have you believe that something may or may not have happened with a bunch of bar girls, umm, nurses. The truth of the matter is that the good Dr. could not resist the appeal of trying the Tranny Track-Her on himself. He is being disingenuous, however, when he claims not to know what happened. Yes, he did employ bar girls and, yes, it was used as a strap-on. The details may be a bit fuzzy due to the potential for short-term memory loss but he knows what he set out to do. Besides, I’m sure that the doctors at Bumrungrad had a candid discussion with him while treating the burns, secondary infections and perforated colon. And now… you know… the rest of the story.

Look up, look up.
So dark, the skies.
Slowly, slowly.
The world, she dies.

From other worlds,
Explorers come.
To look around.
To have some fun.

In the barren landscape,
Tranny Track-Hers abound.
When the explorers leave,
Not a one can be found.

On other worlds,
Both near and far,
Monuments erected,
I could be a star.

Along comes a scientist.
A test tube, a pipette.
Reconstitutes my DNA.
Clone me? You bet.

Time marches on.
Dane here, Dane there.
Before you know it,
Danes everywhere.

Stickman's thoughts:

Quite hilarious!