Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 164

  • Written by Dana
  • February 17th, 2007
  • 8 min read


SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Well, things are winding down here at Dana Central. If you listen carefully in the quiet part of the night when you can hear the transformers clicking on the telephone poles; you can also hear the sound of the air escaping from this balloon. Not even a gargantuan binary radio star entertains with cosmic rotational displays forever and this puppy is starting to stagger (honk if you love metaphor madness). Another ten weeks of submissions to the fabulously handsome webmaster at Stickmanbangkok.com and then I am going to take a few weeks off (read: catch up on web porno and eat peanut butter out of jars with my fingers). Following that will be a big adrenaline push of seven day weeks for three or four weeks to put together an Index of my work for Stickmanbangkok.com. Probably take a month. It's like a lot of sex I end up having with women. I don't look on this labor with unbridled joy but I am being forced to do this by external influences larger and more powerful than myself. I am just a leaf on the wind of social imperatives. Or something.

Anyway, part of me is anxious to get started and part of me is anxious to just get the damned thing done. I feel like Churchill looking ahead to penning another volume of The History of the English-Speaking Peoples. The readers are clamoring for it, but flaming Christ on a cracker (or–hot Crikey on a biscuit) what a lot of work. Then it will be time to return to the Kingdom in June. Returning to the Kingdom during the rainy season is idiotic but hey, it's me we are talking about. Besides I will have been away since December by then. Anyway, people in the know, and FOD's (Friends of Dana), and the favored ones, and insiders, and members of the Church of Dana, and members of the Dana Fan Club who are privy to advanced Dana information are of course asking "What Next?". Life without mainlining Dana is like a nicotine addict after the cigarette factory has burned down. Now what? Or something.

Anyway, this historical net missive is just a quick Bostonian Bangkokian note to notify everyone in the hipster monger community that I am going to be starting my own website.

Holy Asswipe. Does the United Nations, and the Council of Churches, and the European Union, and the Australian Sheep Dippers Association know this? Well, actually: no. This is the first announcement. So jam those heels into the stirrups boys, and sit up straight in the saddle because the moseying is over. One lightening strike or untimely cow fart and the herd will be runnin'. I've been tryin' to hold this mother back but finally it has just developed a life of it's own. You don't tell a black hole not to suck and you don't . . . ok, gettin' a little distracted here; anyway–I am starting a web site.

It will be called ALL DANA ALL THE TIME (ADATT) and will break new ground in the category of farang-Thailand websites. Will there be a gallery of pretty Thai girls? Nope. Will there be a section of submissions from site readers? No there will not. Will there be timely and important advice and information regarding visas and stuff like that? No there will not. Other sites already do a good job handling that boring stuff. Will there be a temperature and time window, and currency exchange rate section, and current events update column? Christ no–BORING. Will there be a bunch of pictures I have taken of Thailand? No–hell: I couldn't take a picture of my feet if I hung the camera off my dick. So are there going to be any interviews with famous mongers, or video tours of Walking Street, or reviews of Thai books, or opinions offered on Thailand's future or nightlife updates or . . . no, no, no, no, and no. None of that stuff. Already been done and done to death on other sites. You simply can not beat that puppy with a stick anymore. What's needed to breath some life into the comatose body of farang-Thai websites is something radical–something groundbreaking–something beyond the imaginings of most humans–something that will satisfy all needs–something that will offer succor and hope. That's right–feel that tremor under your feet–feel those little hairs standing up on the back of your neck–feel your big boy balls tightening up? Of course you do and you know why. Don't look now but the future is coming and it is coming for you.

Let me give you a true life scientific example of what I am talking about. You know that giant asteroid that crashed into the Earth near the Yucatan and completely wiped out all of the dinosaurs? These big animal kats and kittens had been dominant on Earth for seven hundred million years and then something came into their lives that changed everything. Well think about it. They weren't always humping and tearing at each others' throats. Some of them must have been layin' in a hammock or swimmin' on their backs when that flaming rock burst into the atmosphere–and they saw it coming–and they said,

"Ualhdoiuf sweet Jesus uyeppj grunt oeh shitwad ope ass goodbye."

In other words, they saw the future and the future was change. Well, that's my website coming.

The ADATT (ALL DANA ALL THE TIME) website will be that radical something new. Something new in the wind. Something in the world of Thai web sites that has never been done before. ADATT will be all about me all the time. That's right–it will be a Thai-farang website with only one point-of-view, and only one subject, and only one reason for being, and only one critic, and only one writer. Me. My name is Dana and ADATT will be all about me. You've thought of it, your friends have dreamed it, emails have discussed it; well now you are going to get to eat it.

So get ready for ADATT: a dip into the pool known as Dana. I'm steppin' out and taking charge of my life. No more Mr. Modest and no more Mr. Shy Guy and no more Mr. Up To You and no more Mr. You Must Be Right and no more Mr. Nice Guy and no more Mr. Get Along and no more Mr. I Agree With Everybody and no more Mr. I'm Sure You're Right and no more . . . I'm leaving that poor guy with no ego and no opinions behind. I'm tired of being modest and retiring and shy and passive and without the ability to call attention to myself or make my ideas known. I'm steppin' out Stickmanbangkok kats and kittens and starting my own website. And if you are excited about this new future that you are going to get to vicariously participate in and you would like to make some suggestions, or volunteer your time, or work with me or . . . wait a minute; are you on crack? This isn't about you. It's about me. Dana.

ALL DANA ALL THE TIME is coming soon. Kind of like me every time I am with Fa. Ok, silly joke. Oh, and is it going to be a free website or a subscription site? Again:

"What, are you on crack baby?"

It is going to be a subscription site. The last legal bastion of forward thinking social discrimination is something called 'market forces'. In other words, the website ALL DANA ALL THE TIME will not discriminate in any way against humans who want to join. But if you can not afford the subscription to the site that ain't no pimples sliced off my back if you get my meaning. Annual subscriptions will be $10,000 paid in one installment with no fancy-shmancy gay talk about pro-rating regarding getting any of your money back. In other words, if you send in $10,000 and the day after it clears my bank in Suckburi I find you have been messing around with Fa and I kill you: your estate is not getting anything. Sending money to me is like semen entering a woman. The money checks in, but it doesn't check out. And do not email me or contact me asking for a discount because you are a member in good standing with the DANA FAN CLUB or the Church Of Dana. This is a separate entity and a new deal. Find the money nimrod.

And while we are on the subject of money: all the subscription money has to come in United States $100 bills. I can't be bothered jerking around with West Greenland blubber notes, or Aleutian Islands clamshell necklace beads, or old East German coins made out of potatoes, or petrified turd money from the Kalahari desert in Africa, or feminist coins made from burnt bra cinders, or captured WWII Japanese war bonds, or Israeli kibbutz copies of Torah pages. Everyone knows that the only real money in the world is United States $100 bills; crisp and in different series. So don't waste my time acting as if this is some kind of jackass suburban currency club for wankers still living in their parent's basement. Don't send me any colored money, or coins with holes in them, or giant folding money (fxxx the French), or holographic shit, or . . . look, it you send any of this nonsense I am just going to keep it and your membership in the ADATT (ALL DANA ALL THE TIME) website will double to $20,000 because you have irritated me. So, in the inimitable words of Frank Zappa-

"Brown shoes don't make it . . .
Quit school, why fake it."

No idea what that means but I think it sets the tone. Find the money and mail it in. You'll be glad you did.

ALL DANA ALL THE TIME. Coming soon

Stickman's thoughts:

I think DanaDoesPattaya.com has more of a ring to it.