Readers' Submissions

If You Want Love, Think With The Head, Not The Heart

  • Written by Mick
  • July 4th, 2006
  • 18 min read


I have read many Stick articles and I have learned a great deal, however the best way to learn is by experience. I remember one Stickman comment “decide with your head and not your heart”. After my experiences I fully agree.

My story starts with an ex Philippine girl friend. We met in Australia and lived together. She came into my home with her 2 boys. It soon became apparent that life was not very romantic when sharing a house with 2 spoiled rebellious kids who don’t like being told that they should do a few chores around the house. By meeting her friends I learned about Philippine culture and we traveled a few times to Philippines to see her family. I was pleasantly surprised that her family never asked me for money and I was also surprised how poor Philippine people are. I remember one day leaving the hotel and seeing a small stand with cigarettes and other small items. The stand was similar to an enclosed table less than 2 metres in length. At night I saw the empty stand and a woman by the side of the stand cooking a meal. I thought this was strange until I looked at the back of the stand and I saw the husband and child crammed into the small stand sleeping. I visited the houses of brothers and sisters of my ex- girl friend and I was amazed to see the size of the small houses, they were not much bigger than western tool sheds. I have seen houses in China and Thailand and the Philippine houses were not as good. I don’t know if this is representative of all houses in the Philippines but general living conditions seem to be very poor. Despite this, many Philippine people welcomed me into their house and we will sing on the karaoke machine.

I found my Philippine girl friend was a very strong person and very controlling. Between this and her children I decided to leave her. She tried many things to prevent me from leaving, even speaking with my friends and workmates but I could not see a future for us. When we met she did not have a cent to her name and she always agreed that if we split she would not be entitled to my money. Of course this agreement was forgotten and my solicitor negotiated a settlement with her solicitor. When we split she was studying nursing and she often had trouble with assignments. She often rang me to help her, so I helped her selecting reference books, finding relevant information, sorting and collating the information. One night the phone rang at about midnight with her distressed voice “I cant finish my assignment and it is due tomorrow”, she could not ask for a postponement so she sent an email with all the information she had gathered. I sorted through this with a few articles I found on the internet. A few hours later I sent the final result. She passed with flying colours. Maybe I am a softie but I felt proud of her when she eventually graduated, she made a special trip to my work after the graduation to show me her certificate.

Shortly after we split I traveled to Thailand on business and the motel was conveniently next door to a bar. The girls at the front were attractive and it was not difficult for them to convince me to join them. I met a very attractive 23 year old Thai woman. Her English was limited and she said she worked there because she previously worked in a sweat shop sewing garments, they gave her little pay for ridiculously long hours. I decided to bar fine her and learn that she had a very attractive figure and the sex was magnificent. I left Thailand the next day but kept contact with her by text and email. Of course I visited her again on the return trip home. She was very nice but when we were driving in a taxi I pointed-out a car that I liked and she joked about me buying her a car. I thought she was chasing money and after reading many Stickman articles my suspicions were probably correct. After many emails and text messages I grew closer to her but after about 2 months she asked for money. She said that if she did not get money she must go to Singapore. I suspected this was a device to extract money from the farang so I didn’t give her any money. To this day I still don’t understand why she could not survive in Thailand on her bar money. I did not reply and when she moved to Singapore she cancelled her Thailand phone and I never heard from her again.

I decided to search the internet for a future partner. After my visit to Thailand I admired the kind and friendly people from the LOS so I tried the site Thailovelinks but there were not many women on this site. Then I found the asianeuro site, there were hundreds of women logged on every night from all over Asia. Over the next 18 months I contacted at least 100 women, some returned my emails and others didn’t. I tried to write regularly to about 6 women. It was great to come home from work each night and have between 2 and 6 emails waiting for me. If you are genuinely searching for love on the internet, I learned many lessons, a few of them were:

* 1/ Write personal details of each woman in a book because it was easy to confuse who had 2 brothers, who was divorced, when is her birthday etc.

* 2/ “Don’t write to women that don’t satisfy the criteria”. If you want a pretty woman, don’t write to average looking women, even if you are lonely, because many women approach the internet with a good heart and if you don’t want a genuine relationship with her you shouldn’t court her.

* 3/ Chat with her on the web cam before you decide to travel and meet her. Some women put a picture of a beautiful friend to lure the wealthy western men. Many women go to a photo studio, make up is applied and the photos are tinted and touched-up. The woman you meet at the airport may look very different to the picture on the internet.

* 4/ Women that ask for money in the first few weeks should be forgotten.

* 5/ Give her a chance. Sometimes when you are writing to many women it becomes arduous and it is tempting to drop-off the first person that causes you a minor upset. If she satisfies all the critera that you want in woman, don’t drop her for a mild indiscretion.

* 6/ Searching for Ms. Right takes time and patience

* 7/ Don’t forget to make decisions with your head not your heart. More about that later.

A Chinese woman named L impressed me. She was beautiful with an hour glass figure and her words were so sweet and frank and honest. She answered all the questions such as “why do you want to marry a western man?” her answer was that Chinese men are often poor and this causes conflict and sometimes abuse in the family. I wanted to know if she was serious so I asked her if I would meet her parents, “yes of course” was the answer. After a few months I decided to visit her. I was met by L and her friend. Her friend spoke reasonable English and L spoke basic English.

I later learned that her friend was from a dating agency. The friend translates the letters and helps L find somebody suitable. The agency charged L for translating the letters plus a monthly fee plus a very large sum if I visited China plus a very very large sum of money if we are married. I have since learned this is not uncommon in both China and Thailand.

We ate together at a Chinese restaurant and after the meal the friend decided to leave. L and I went back to the motel and I asked Lr if she wanted some money for a taxi. Her response was “you come very far, you don’t want me to stay with you?” Naturally I back-tracked very quickly and said “yes I have come very far and I would be happy if you stay with me”. I was expecting a passionate night as there was only a double bed in the room. She got into bed but she was almost fully clothed. After a few advances it became clear that there will be no sex tonight. After about 3 nights and a few more advances that changed and we had a passionate love making session. I noticed that she did not know a great deal about love making and when I asked her why, she said “Chinese women only know how to make babies”. But she was willing to try new things and I was happy to teach her.

Everything was going smoothly until she phoned her mother from the motel. I do not speak Chinese but I know when people are abusing each other. For about 5 minutes she verbally abused her mother. I later suggested she should treat her mother with respect and love. Her reply was that her mother does bad things to her father. I asked for more details but I got the “no understand” response. I later questioned her in an email and she said her mother does not treat her father well and this is family business. If this is how she treats her mother, I wondered how would she treat me? Some time later she said her father was doing bad things and everything is fixed and her family are all very happy. All very strange.

I said I would pay for a meal with her family. Meals in all restaurants are very cheap in China so this isn’t a problem. On the morning of the family meal my girl friend told me that I should give her family a red envelope with money. When I asked how much she suggested about $70 US for her father and the same for her mother. I was disappointed to be told to give money on the day of the meal, I should have been told in the earlier email before I traveled to China. When I asked her why she told me now she said “If I tell you before maybe you not come to see me”.

During the day we shopped, ate and went on small tours. Night was the time I looked forward to, she had a shower and went to bed, then I very quickly showered and almost ran to bed to hold that beautiful body close. As I was about to get into bed she said “have you brushed your teeth?” when I said no, she looked at me, so I quickly brushed my teeth and ran back to bed again, then she said “have you washed your face?” no, so I washed my face. Her breath was always very fresh and her kisses were the best I ever had.

We were together for one week and when we drove to the airport she said she had no wages for the week so I gave her $90, she was happy and I had a trip with the woman I hoped to be my future wife.

When I returned to Australia I asked her “how much dowry do your family expect?” Her response was 70,000 US dollars plus she wants a baby. We had previously agreed “no babies” but now she changed her mind. The answer was simple “find somebody else”. Her response was “why you give up relationship with only small problem?” She said it will take some time to change her family’s mind but she will try very hard. After 3 months her family had not changed their mind so I started writing to other women.

I met a very nice Thai woman. She was pretty and her pictures showed she had a nice slim figure. I booked a flight to see her but one week before the flight she said “my friends tell me I am now fat”. It was too late to change my mind so I decided to see her. In her emails she said she wanted to kiss me every hour at night. She said she wanted to meet me in Bangkok, so I asked “do you want some money for the airfare”, her response was “no, you have many expenses I will pay for my airfare to Bangkok”. This impressed me and then I asked her if she wanted a separate room, her answer was no. When I arrived at the airport she recognized me and I noticed she was about 10 kilogram heavier than the photos. Her breasts were small and her figure was almost pear shaped. I don’t like fat women and she was almost fat but she was very nice so I decided to give the relationship a chance. She was a very hot woman, as soon as we went into the motel room a kiss soon lead to passionate love making. At night I soon learned she wanted more than a kiss every hour, she had such stamina. Unlike Chinese L, I could teach her very little about sex.

We had a great time at a beach resort, walking on the beach, riding jet skis and sex at least 3 times each day. She was a very honest and direct woman, she said people called her “frankness woman”. This caused a few issues at first but when I told her she offended me she apologized and she was never offensive again. We rode around on her motor bike and had a great time. She never asked for money and when I offered to pay for petrol she refused, I only paid for our meals and motel etc.

I visited her again a few months later and we enjoyed each others company but every time I saw her she grew fatter. When she was in a bikini I realised she was fat. After returning to Australia I suggested that she is becoming too fat for me, she cried for a while then joined a gymnasium. I thought she would lose weight but after one week she returned to the fried chicken and the gymnasium was forgotten. The Chinese woman L, was still writing to me and she told me that her family had changed their mind and they do not want a child or $70,000, they only want $15,000 and $300 per month. Her birthday was approaching so I sent her some money, she was happy to hear my phone call and learn she had some money. However I was disappointed a few months later when my birthday passed with a card or phone call. Her excuse was “I don’t know when is your birthday” so she sent me a beautiful Chinese New Year card. I wasn’t too sure about the relationship with this Chinese woman as she was too focused on money, she said her parents need a new house and she said “if we live in Australia i will work and pay for my family”. I spoke to some Chinese friends. Some said this is okay and others said she is greedy. One close Chinese Malaysian friend said I should be aware of all Chinese and he pointed me to a book called “thick face, black heart”. This is an excellent book that helped me understand many things about Chinese culture. The author often referred to soldier’s attitudes and the title made me think that the Chinese approach to negotiation is one similar to a soldier, just do the job and don’t worry about the morals or consequences.

I decided to finish my relationship with the Thai woman. It was very sad as we spoke on the phone every night and she always sent emails. We had become a focal part of each others day and she relied on me for company and support. Her parents were dead and she was not close to her brothers and sister so when we split it caused her much grief. She could not work for days and slept at her friends house for weeks. I still feel guilty of the pain I caused her because she is a nice woman.

I still had doubts about the Chinese woman so I told her the reason I have doubts, she promised never to say strong words to me and she said money is no longer important. She has been working in a small hairdressing shop working 14 hours per day 7 days per week and she needs a change of life.

In the meantime I was also writing to a second Chinese woman, C2, she was very attractive with gorgeous breasts but her English was very basic. She relied totally on an interpreter and when I phoned her all I could say was “how are you?” and “I miss you”. Her emails were very nice and I was convinced she was a very nice woman. I decided to visit her. We had a great time together, I met her family and they were very nice, fortunately the interpreter was with us some nights. I bought her an electronic dictionary and that helped our communication. She did not ask for any money to meet her parents, maybe because I told her the story about L. C2 did not stay with me in the motel for the first 3 nights, she said “I am traditional Chinese woman, I do not have sex before marriage”. That’s okay, I can wait. On the fourth night she said she would sleep in the second bed in the motel room and on the fifth night a kiss goodnight resulted in sex. We both enjoyed the sex but she said one “only one time have sex” and that’s all I got (despite by best efforts). C2 was a very nice woman but I was frustrated because I could not have a conversation with her. But she did not expect a big dowry, she was always honest and loving and I knew I could have a happy life with her.

When I returned to Australia I did not know who I would marry, would it be L or C2, C2 or L? So I made a list of the personal qualities I want in a wife, honesty, dedication, attractive, good sex, etc etc. I then gave L & C2 points out of 10 for each category and C2 won. Then I did the same exercise with a few different questions, C2 won again. My head said I should marry C2 but my heart wanted L. I remember Stick’s words, decide with your head not your heart.

While this was happening C2 sent an email advising me that she had mailed a hand-made sweater as a token of our love. I told C2 that we cannot be together, C2 accepted this and wrote a very nice small email wishing me good luck. Despite Stick’s advice and the sweater from C2, I proposed to L. Then I sent her some money to celebrate our engagement. I appointed a Chinese immigration lawyer and visited him. He listed the massive volume of documentation for Australian visa that I must prepare and L must do the same. I wrote these details to L and all she did was complain, “you don’t need to do all this” “come to China and we can be married here”. Then came the clanger “will you give my family $15,000 dowry?. It was time for my last goodbye to L.

I apologized to C2 and fortunately she forgave me, she said “when we split I was sent to hell”, that made me feel guilty. After a few weeks of repairing bridges I proposed to C2

and she accepted. I sent her the details of the visa requirements and she said she was very happy but the documentation made her brain melt. She asked the help of the interpreter and they printed all the details and started working on the list. Since then I realized that C2 is the woman for my future. After we gather all documentation it will take 4-6 months to get a visa but I am looking forward to Christmas with C2. When the visa is granted I will travel to China to celebrate our engagement with her and her family, then we will return together to Australia. Maybe I should have listened to Stickman’s advice, “decide with your head not your heart”. Thanks Stick for a great site.


Stickman's thoughts:

No comments today….unless someone can give me a couple of extra hours!