Sukhumvit – Adult Theme Park

Even though I live in Bangkok I do my best to stay away from the major tourist areas including the Sukhumvit area around Soi 3 & 4.. but today I had a real reason to be there and that was to visit my tailor of many years. This tailor takes care of much of the embassy staff and does great work, his suits are comparable if not superior in some respects to the Armanis and some others I’ve had over the years so whenever the opportunity arises which might make for a good excuse to buy a new suit I’ll head over there and see if my measurements have changed and pick out a new fabric and style and let them do their magic. My excuse this time is that at the end of the month I’ll be flying to Chicago (I’m dreading the long flight) to attend my son's wedding and even though I’ll be wearing a tux I thought a nice suit perhaps for the rehearsal dinner might be nice.. and I’ve been wanting a two button Italian cut lightweight summer suit in charcoal grey..

Anyway.. since parking around this area is problematic at best and I was in the middle of reading an adventure novel in e-book format (I find that it’s so much easier and usually cheaper to buy e-books on-line than it is to hunt down an Asia Books store and hope they have what I want in stock) on my PC, so I flashed it over to my Palm T/X and grabbed a taxi instead of driving my SUV.

As soon as you tell a taxi driver “Sukhumvit Soi 4” they assume you’re looking for some of the naughty nightlife and you’re a FNG and try to take advantage of it by recommending places, offering to find you this “service” or that. I quickly dashed his hopes by telling him in Thai that I live here and was going there for business (which took about all of my Thai language skills..:) and quickly got lost in my e-book and let him drive while keeping an eye on the route he was using. 15 minutes and 85 baht later we pull up to the place and there’s a big sign saying “CLOSED LABOUR DAY!!!” Cripes, I usually call ahead, especially in Thailand, but did I mention I was involved in my e-book? Well.. what now? I stowed the Palm T/X and asked the taxi driver to just cruise around the area and lets see what the place looks like with the lights on..;o) We cruised Soi 3 and then 4, one lap around the Cowboy, down around the Plaza and I’d seen just about enough.. The recurring theme was either the normal Thai men and women in business clothes who had day jobs, or the Thai women in supposedly “sexy” western style jeans, short skirts, spaghetti strap tops, etc, etc, often surgically attached hand in hand with a bald or greying farang 2-3 times her age and weight.. This made me think.. again.. about this dead horse of a subject.. so I thought I’d beat it a bit more and see where it leads.

I’m not going to talk again about why these old men come here to be with women 2-3 times younger then they are, after all it’s rather obvious. The women are more attractive than their usual fare back home and for the right price probably a lot more willing. No doubt, when I’m a 70 year old fat and grey punter, a well used worn looking 30 year old bargirl will probably look the same way as a 20 year old Britney Spears looks to me now. Would I pay 500 baht short time with Britney Spears? Hell yes and so would you <bugger off, she's a horse – Stick> so even if you had to fly half way around the world to do it, and I think even my wife would understand that one. So I’m not knocking the motivation or even the action. What I will knock is who the hell do you think you’re fooling walking around hand in hand like teenage lovers forcing all kinds of PDA on the poor girl who’s already dressed the part? Can’t you tell that all the “regular” people using the same streets and sidewalks going about their daily business are looking at you in pity and some even shaking their head in disgust? You’re not 17 years old on the beach in California with your 16 year old sweetheart holding her hand while walking down the boardwalk eating snow cones! You’re an old man who’s probably on 3-4 different heart medications who flew halfway around the world to pay a middle aged whore to pretend to be your girlfriend for a day or two! Just because you can’t read or speak the language doesn’t mean they can’t see what’s going on. This is when it struck me, like a bolt of lightening (probably not from heaven) the idea came to me..

What if there was a place where only you and like-minded people like you could go and enjoy the hell out of yourself all you wanted? Anyone who’s spent a day in Bangkok knows one of the major differences between paying a whore back home and paying a whore in Thailand is that the whores in Thailand are very good actresses/actors (depending on your preference) and turn the affair into a “girlfriend experience” which makes it easy to forget that you’re actually paying a hooker and I suppose that much more enjoyable. Word has it that they’re pretty good at it too. So I started imagining that if I was very rich and very bored, that maybe I’d build an Adult Theme Park and call it “Sukhumvit, Adult Theme Park!” A magical place where all your dreams can come true and would be just as exciting and wonderful to you at 70 years old as Disneyland was to you at 7 years old.. The Magic Kingdom.. within a kingdom..

First we’d need a rather large area of land with beaches and ocean and pretty landscapes so I think I’d buy up all of Pattaya. I’d bulldoze it to the ground and rebuild it with cheap short time hotels, bars, strip clubs, run down sidewalks with food venders all along the streets, tuk tuks, taxi drivers, and well.. make it like it is now.. but with a major underground operations centre connected by secret tunnels with hidden entrances for all the Magic Kingdoms employees. The place would have it’s own police force, town council, and even it’s own airport so you could fly directly into it without any hassles at all. Of course, we’d have to separate the “Magic Kingdom” from the “regular Kingdom” with a huge fence and outside the fence big parking lots labeled “Soi Cowboy” “Nana Plaza” “Washington Square” with little pictures of hookers on the signs in different colour jeans so you wouldn’t forget where you parked. There would be large tram trains whizzing around the parking lot picking up all the “temporary immigrants” and taking them to “immigration” where they could buy their “magic passports” into the Magic Kingdom! With passport in hand the old guys would be herded through the magical gates which would be flanked by two giant chrome dancing poles and perhaps a set of legs stretching out a few hundred meters in the way “Patch Adams” welcomes the OBGYN’s in the movie.. You’d walk in through the wide open legs towards the.. well.. entrance.. and walk between the chrome poles and as you walked through you’d hear the music start playing, smell the som tom cooking, and there would be no doubt that you’ve arrived and the town is open for business!

The staff would be easy to find and maybe even easier to train, but for sure we’d do it right. Background checks for criminal activity, dress codes, medical checks every week, and a complete training staff that would teach the employees everything from the art of a fine blow job to how to work one of those electric heart starting machines with the paddles. Completely equipped hospitals would be part of the major attractions so we’d have to hire doctors and nurses and make sure we had well stocked pharmacies. We could import actual real live strippers from the states and Europe who know how to really work the chrome pole and they could teach the Thai employees to dance and look like their heart is beating at the same time.. and the chefs trained in how to prepare and cook food so it wouldn’t grow bacteria as an extra ingredient. There would be “magic fountains” where the water would be safe to drink straight from the tap and real live bartending schools so the bar tender employees could learn how to make a proper drink. Katoeys would be required to wear a different colour employee I.D. card so there would be no mistakes, And we wouldn’t use real money, but instead “Sukhumvit Bucks!” We’d have the best trained employees in the world bar none!

As you walked through the parted legs into the park on onto “Main Soi” there would be an air conditioned theatre where you could watch a film all about me and my vision and how I turned the naughty nightlife into a multi-billion dollar industry and became the biggest single employer in Thailand and about all my other good deeds. The film would go on and explain the theme parks main attractions from “Short Time Land” to “Eden, the Promised Land” and everything in between. After the indoctrination period the men would have to get “inspected” by the medical staff and blood drawn so we’d know which attractions they could ride on without the help of latex or perhaps nitro pills. Once classified the royal visitors could buy ticket books or pay an all inclusive fee, their choice. “E” tickets would be the hottest ticket on the block and reserved for stunners of the highest caliber, but of course only after a proper medical check!

Later we’d open “Sukhumvit Adult Theme Parks” in Japan, Europe, Florida and even in the middle east where one of the attractions would be “47 Virgins For This Life Time!” We’d probably end up with our own movie studios cranking out love stories of 70 year old men finding their “true love” (who is only 18 years old), stores in most major malls where the ordinary housewife could buy all her “Naughty Nightlife” accessories like low rise jeans and short short skirts and little bags of Thai spices and even instructional videos on the finer topics like “how to apply a condom using only your mouth” and the such.. These stores and parks would be widely popular and become major marketing forces to be reckoned with by any industry. We’d force Bill Gates to include “Sukhumvit Adult Theme Park” utilities and advertising with Windows.. maybe by then Windows Vista will be ready for release if we timed it right..;o)

The benefits to society would be tremendous. Men would once again be able to tell real life from make believe and the younger generations wouldn’t feel the need to classify them with some sort of mental disorder. Life would have some order to it once again and I’d no longer be forced to watch grown mature men play make believe while everyone else looked on with amusement or disgust..

Oh damn.. I’m home already.. it’s amazing what you can do with a laptop in the back of a Thai taxi between here and there..:) 95 baht! The guy took the long way home, I should have kept an eye on the route…;o)

I thought I’d include at least one piece of useful information to say thank you for reading all that.. I sent this via my cell phone’s GPRS modem from the back of the taxi.. or will once I pay the man and get out. I bought 400 hours for 1,200 baht to be used over a 24 month period. So far I’ve used it from Pattani to Chiang Mai without a hitch, it’s about as fast as a fast dial-up connection and since it connects to my laptop via the phones mini-USB to the laptops USB it charges the phone at the same time and will accept incoming/outgoing calls while on-line.. kinda like the poor man's DSL…;0)

Stickman's thoughts:

Shades of Dana here…